April 21st, 2009 | 12:48 pm
During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night.

Stage 1: ' I Could Go For A Few Beers'

You've decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up ' this crazy episode of House' that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was ' really crazy.' You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.

Stage 2: 'This Beer Tastes Awesome'

By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You're feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you're drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you're pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It'll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won't mind you yelling your friend's name over and over. In fact, you don't even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn't understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn't get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don't just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!

Stage 3: 'We're All Doing Shots!'

The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say ' oh yeah!' afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like ' This guy right here' this fuggin guy' this is the guy, right here' ' but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it's half time of the Super Bowl and you're down 27 points. 'Come on you guys. Let's f&*king do this! I'm tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!'

Stage 4: 'A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla's Ass In A Fight.'

Drunk people are like Bill O'Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you're feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, ' Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?'

Stage 5: 'I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.'

Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON HE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.

Stage 6: 'Your Face Is A Stupid Face.'

At this point, you're 'totally fun night out with your friends' turns a corner to become a 'dark journey into the recesses of your mind.' You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal's tendency to always be late, to a friend's inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend's hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, ' Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that' ya know, maybe I shouldn't have. I was pretty bombed. We're cool, right?'

Stage 7: 'This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems'

For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, ' Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!' Then you usually fall down into someone's yard and offer a policeman a beer.

Stage 8: ' Your' Pudgerdugffffgjjjj' Tell You Some' Farderschmard?'

During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert's Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it's your own.)

Apr 7th 2009

By Laurie Ruettimann

I have a very good friend who once confessed to me that he only poops at
work. He told me that it is the American dream to get paid to take a
dump. Lots of people are losing their jobs, he said, and he intended on
taking advantage of one of the few remaining perks in life ' " sitting on
the toilet at his office.

He said, "Why poop at home if someone is paying you to work? Might as well poop on the clock."

I thought this was crazy, until I started to hate my job in Human Resources and took this concept on a test run.

My #2 Work Goal
I only pooped at work, which required mad skills on my part because I traveled more than 50 percent of the time. I am an advocate of pooping when nature calls -- and I take Benefiber to keep my plumbing in good shape -- but I started holding my urge to poop until I was officially on the company's time.

Click here to read how Laurie's experiment went -- and why you should try it.

When I was in my office, I coordinated my personal 'business' with my professional schedule. When I traveled, I waited until I arrived at the local office or off-site meeting to poop.

I will admit that my bowels weren't happy with this experiment; however, this small act of resistance made me feel like the playing field was slightly more level. I couldn't earn more money or make the CEO implement a more thoughtful
company strategy, but I could take a crap at work and get five minutes of peace in my day.

Poo Against the Machine
I am making this confession because your company is spending an amazing amount of money with large communications firms who claim that they can improve employee morale in this sagging economic climate.

Instead of pouring money into improved health-care coverage or better day-care benefits, your company is hiring communications gurus who will ask you questions like, "Do you have a best friend at work?"

It is condescending and insulting to be asked questions about how you 'feel' at work. If you are like most Americans, you feel grateful to have a job, but you struggle with economic uncertainty. You wake up in the morning; get your kids off to school; and if you're lucky, you have time to take a crap.

Furthermore, you hate having your day interrupted with stupid employee surveys that never result in any long-term change. Why don't they let you get back to work so you can help make some money for your company?

Fight Back
If you are mad as hell about corporate irresponsibility and want to make yourself feel better, I suggest that you try my poop-at-work process.

Let me know how it works. Do you exclusively poop at work, right now? Do you ever go at work? Leave a comment and let me know if your daily time-out session makes life a little easier.

By Elle Halliwell

The Sunday Telegraph

April 05, 2009 12:01am

Cup runneth over ... Hannah Milward and Sarah Todd get a helping hand from Myer's Victoria Jubb / Sam Ruttyn

• Breasts of Aussie women getting larger
• 40 per cent of women DD or bigger
• Obesity, contraceptive pill to blame

THE bra market is expanding, literally. Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraph reports.

Experts blame the cleavage boost on obesity, contraceptive pills and artificial hormones.

Myer lingerie buyer Kerryn Sawyer said sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

Many lingerie labels such as Berlei and Triumph are now offering G cups while Fayreform, Freya and Le Mystere are producing select styles up to a size J.

Berlei brand manager Jane Edser said the company's range of bra styles, available in DD-plus, had, increased
since 2005 from 75 per cent to 83 per cent, to cater for the growing market.


Bra company Eveden Australia launched a K cup into the market last year. The company's fitting specialist,
Victoria Jubb, said obesity contributed significantly to the expanding chest sizes but the number of small-figured women with large breasts was on the increase.

"We're noticing a lot more girls with small backs and bigger bust sizes being fitted," she said.

Eveden's top-selling size is a 10G.

As women's chests have grown, the number of breast reductions have doubled in the past decade, said cosmetic surgeon Mark Goyen.

"There's definitely been an increase," said Dr Goyen, who runs Sydney surgery the Alia Clinic. "I was doing about 10 to 15 female breast reductions a year, now I'm doing 20 to 30.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

Sydney cardiologist Ross Walker said artificial oestrogens found in foods, plastics and cosmetics had also contributed to the growth spurt. Oestrogen in contraceptive pills also spurred the growth of breast tissue, Family Planning NSW research director Edith Weisberg said. "I think the higher-dose pills could, because the oestrogen causes
development of the breast tissue," she said.

Larger, more cumbersome breasts often discouraged women from exercising, said body-image expert Jenny O'Dea, Associate Professor at the University of Sydney's Faculty of Education and Social Work.

Dr O'Dea said that makes it even harder to lose the weight and can lead to further increases in breast size.

"One thing I find in my body-image research is that girls and women with large breasts tend to avoid sport and physical activity because it becomes a bit bothersome," she said. "They stopped exercising when they developed large breasts, whereas we want big women to do the complete opposite and be as physically active as they can."