2.7 MAILBOMB

This episode of Mail Bomb is hosted by two of the most influential surfers to ever grace the pages of TransWorld SURF. Rick Smith and Fred Garvin have been on the scene for a combined term of over 40 years. Rick’s a full-on surf bro who’s fully down with all the industry bros. He can be found hanging out at all the totally cool surf-company parties with all the totally cool surfers. Fred Garvin is an undercover cop who’s been arresting these same totally cool surf bros for about the same amount of time. We got both of these guys together one afternoon and let them loose on some reader mail. Here’s the outcome of this meeting of the minds.

CHANGE IS GOOD

First of all, I just want to say that your magazine rips! You guys have the funniest columns and they’re very original, too. Much props to the editing staff. I’m also writing in response to previous articles about the scoring system for the WCT and WQS. I’m glad surfers are speaking out. Surfing needs a change for the future; it’s 2000 right now! The judges must understand change is good, and it’s a risk they’re going to have to take.

I’m also glad that the WCT has included expression sessions. This gives surfers a chance to launch airs and show off their style. I hope judges will soon see the importance of this change. Guys like Shane Beschen, Bruce and Andy Irons, and Cory Lopez are getting tired of the old system¿let them do their thing! MORE AIRS, please!

Lea Arce
Pearl City, Hawai’i

Rick: I totally agree with you, Lea. I’ve been surfing contests for like twenty f¿king years, and I know the judges are against me. One time in Newps, I was fully blasting airs in my heat and they gave me last place. I didn’t care, though, because there was the raddest after-party sponsored by Volcom¿I was so wasted.

Fred: Surf contests are just a place for a bunch of derelicts to hang out. They sit down at the beach, smoke grass, and drink beer. Surfers are the scum of the Earth¿that includes you, Mr. Smith.

Rick: F¿k you, bro!

ONCE A TAGGER …

Hey! So I was reading your magazine as Sublime played on a stereo somewhere in the house, and I was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice if Cali fell into the ocean and Arizona had a beach so I wouldn’t have to drive so far to go surfing?” You wouldn’t know when that’s going to happen, would you? I watched this thing about it on public television that really confused me. Well, a lot of things confuse me. Like, if the sky’s blue and the sun’s yellow, why isn’t the air green? Another question is what happened to Lisa Anderson? How come I never hear anything about her anymore? So anyway, I used to be in this tagger gang called the Spitaz¿hush, that’s a secret! Did you know tagging is illegal? Okay, that’s enough bullshit for one letter. Thanks for listening, I’ll stop now.

Trixie Garrison
Glendale, Arizona

Rick: You’re tripping me out, Trixie.

Fred: You must be a moron, Ms. Garrison. The things you talk about in this letter say to me that you’re a drug addict.

Rick: Yeah, you must do tons of drugs. One time at this party at the Lost house, I was, like, so wasted.

Fred: That’s the story?

Rick: Yeah, I was so wasted.

WWW.WEIRDO.COM, PART TWO

I would like to assist you in constructing the mother of all Web sites. I call it GIG (Global Internet Government). GIG is the official world government. The unofficial world government already exists, UN (legislative), IMF (judicial), and the U.S. Navy (executive). GIG would coordinate the policies of the UN, IMF, and the U.S. Navy. GIG will provide Americans with a simple explanation of the world government. The official goal of the GIG is a permanent decline in the human population. Print media is on the wane, and it’d be in your best interests to take the offensive in the Internet. GIG is the beginning of history. GIG is the symbol of computers and plants standing up for their rights. Saving the planet is not easy; However, I really don’tave much else to do.

Charles Bear
Portland, Oregon

Fred: You’re a drug addict, it’s completely obvious.

Rick: The Internet sucks. One time at this lame Bluetorch party, I was, like, super wasted, and this guy, like, offered me a job. I was all, “Buy me a drink!” He bought me one, then I was like, “Thanks!” and I fully bailed.

CHEERIO

Hi, my name is Catherine Pritchard, I’m twelve years old, and I surf. I live on the Isle of Wight in Great Britain, which is shit for surfing. The waves are usually two to four feet, but sometimes we get six-footers.

Well anyway, why I’m writing is because I suck at surfing, and I was wondering if you could spare the time to write me back and give me a few basic tricks like how to turn, do cutbacks, and other basic things like that. I want to do more surfing and become the British women’s champ! I have a lot of time to practice. Once I’m better, I’d like to do a few comps, so please, please, please, read my letter, and write me back.

Catherine PritchardIsle of Wight, England

Fred: When I was taking a police course on self-defense, the instructor asked me what I’d do if someone attacked me from the back side. I said I’d lie on the ground and play dead. This was one of the causes of me failing the police exam.

Rick: You cuss a lot for a twelve year old¿that’s cool. Once I was partying with a bunch of bros from Billabong and we were wasted¿it was so rad.

CLAIM TO FAME

For a new magazine, you guys aren’t bad. I was reading the letters you got and they cracked me up. I don’t like buying subscriptions to anything, but I sure as hell will try to find some hidden change in my car to buy the latest issue. Someday I’ll be on the cover. You’ll see, you’ll see.

Eon Dinauer
Santa Rosa, California

Fred: I once arrested a guy for urinating in public. I gave him a cavity search and found what’s known on the streets as a “joint.” Put it this way, that guy will never urinate in public again.

Rick (responding to Fred): Dude, you’re a dick.

INBRED IN YUCAIPA

I’ve never surfed in my life¿I think it’s dumb. But when my friend handed me a copy of TransWorld SURF magazine, I decided to give it a chance. I opened the mag to page 94 and there was an article about a barbecue. Not only was there hardly anything having to do with a barbecue, but you guys bagged on Lynard Skynard. It was the worst article I’ve ever read, and I still think surfing sucks. I want something done about this. I want you all to quit your jobs and jump out of a window no less than 30 stories high.

Clayton Cole
Yucaipa, California

Fred: I agree.

Rick: One time at this rad Hurley party, me and some of the boys from Quiksilver were, like, fully wasted, and these dudes from, like, inland were fully vibing us. I was all, “Beat it, kooks!”
They were like, “F¿k you, dude!”
Then I was all, “You’re lucky we’re so wasted or we’d kick your asses, bro.”

Y’ALL COME BACK NOW, YA HEAR?

As a loyal subscriber from day one, I have to question your “American Surfboard Massacre” in your July issue. What the f¿k was that? I can’t even get a board from a local shaper for less than 350 bucks, yet you f¿k up completely good boards. It must be nice out there in rich-boy land. I can’t believe y’all busted that killer BYB board with the killer art on it. Send me the broken boards¿shit, I’ll pay shipping on them. Another thing, I entered your art contest for that BYB and didn’t get shit! I sent y’all some killer original art that I only had one copy of, bitch! Quit trying to show how rich y’all are off of my subscription money! I pay too much to have to look at that shit in the mag. Show photos, be humble, and don’t be so cocky, you Cali rich boys. We get barrels at Hatteras that’ll rival any Cali beachbreak. That leads to another thing¿don’t go blowing our beach up this hurricane season, we don’t need everyone and their mom coming to our beach.

Joe RobinsonVirginia Beach, Virginia

P.S. Don’t playa-hate on us because we were born on the East Coast, hook us up! Shit, spread the love¿we work for our loot.

Rick: If you’re not sponsored, don’t talk to me. I know so many people in this industry that I could get just about any board I want for free. You must suck, bro. Once I went to Vah Beach and partied with this fully cool rep from Reef. He knew the Reef girls, and I was fully hanging with them. Dude, he even hooked me up with some super sicky sandals!

Fred: Rick, you are an imbecile.

Rick: You’re such a barney, Fred.onVirginia Beach, Virginia

P.S. Don’t playa-hate on us because we were born on the East Coast, hook us up! Shit, spread the love¿we work for our loot.

Rick: If you’re not sponsored, don’t talk to me. I know so many people in this industry that I could get just about any board I want for free. You must suck, bro. Once I went to Vah Beach and partied with this fully cool rep from Reef. He knew the Reef girls, and I was fully hanging with them. Dude, he even hooked me up with some super sicky sandals!

Fred: Rick, you are an imbecile.

Rick: You’re such a barney, Fred.