2.7 WORD

Behind The Cover: Joel Parkinson

In our August 2000 issue (Volume Two, Number Five), Joel Parkinson was featured on the cover. We’re dummies and we said Bosko took the photo, when in fact, it was none other than the greatest Australian writer/photographer in the whole wide world, Paul “Sarge” Sargeant. We’re very sorry for our mistake, Sarge¿we blew it.

When asked about his cover shot, Parko simply replied, “It farkin’ rips, mate!” Well, at least he was happy about it. Sorry again, Sarge.

The World Industries Giveaway
Get a legit skateboard and a life.Thanks to the wonderously fine folks at World Industries, we have a complete skateboard and some World gear to give to one lucky reader out there. All you have to do is send us a photo of yourself skateboarding (doing an ollie, kickflip, pop-shove it, or whatever). The best photo will be picked by us and the winner will be deemed next issue. Oh, one more thing, no longboard skateboards! Learn how to skate the right way, fools! Hurry up and send your entry by October 10, 2000 to:

“I Need A Legit Skateboard!”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

Webheads Of The World Unite
Here’s some more cool Web sites to check out.

www.ilovebacon.com¿This site is an endless resource for silly, disgusting, violent, and abnormal video clips. This Web site is amazing.

www.mcpaulbarman.com¿This is a Web site featuring the art, rhymes, mp3s, and everything having to do with the amazing life of MC Paul Barman. Check it out, and learn something new.

www.gotocrashes.com¿Spills, thrills, and spills again. This Web site shows so many crashes, it’ll make you sick to your stomach.

www.icebox.com¿New cartoons from the Simpsons, Futurama, King of the Hill, and all these other cool cartoons on the Fox network.

www.spumco.com¿From the creator of Ren and Stimpy, this site has all new cartoons and silly, silly stuff from John Kricfalusi.

www.aka.com¿Go to this site for all the newest hip-hop releases. Be up on the newest shit before your friends.

How To Be Cool On The First Day Of School

Okay, everyone. I’m here to explain a part of the inner- and outermost social, fashion-conscious, and teenage identity-crisis mechanics of your local junior high and high schools. Boys and girls, it’s hard to be “cool” or “rad,” because this is a fast-paced world where styles and trends change all the time. Take pegged pants, for instance¿who wears them now? Or the wave haircut, you know¿bangs all gelled up to look like a surf wave.

So I’m here to say that to be cool, you need to really be able to dive into the cream of the deepest human desires and fears. Everyone wants to be different, so don’t be. Dress like your grandpa, and act like an android¿say and think only things that are necessary. Have adequate doses of social behavior¿don’t go out too much, don’t stand out, be simple, and be plain. Listen to Devo, they’ll tell you how to do it.

When school starts, wear a blank T-shirt and logo-less pants. Your shoes should be modest, not those damned flashy shoes all the skateboarders wear. The hair should be flat on the head¿no gel, no waves, just flat. Girls¿no tight clothes or skimpy attire, they’ll just breed contempt in the hearts of your peers who aren’t attractive, and give the boys travelers throughout the school halls.

It’s a teenage trial and error to come out on top, and I’m not speaking of school wrestling, where it’s too easy to abandon fashion standards in those cool short-legged tank-top uniforms. So get without it, and stop trying so dang hard, kids! Just go with your gut, do the super thing, and be whatever it is your fellow students all least expect or totally hate.¿J.M.

Surf Slang Everyone Should Know

Poo-pouch: When a girl’s bathing suit is too loose in the butt area.
Example: “That girl is super hot, but she needs a new bathing suit. Check outhat poo-pouch.”

Sore snake: When you sit around in trunks all day, and your snake gets rubbed raw.
Example: “I think I should start wearing boxers under my trunks so I don’t get a sore snake.”

Beach pebble: When you spit in the sand, and then pick up the little sand ball that forms.
Example: “Blair just spit on the ground and threw a beach pebble at my face.

Beach blanket bimbo: A girl who sluts around the beach.
Example: “Check out that beach blanket bimbo, she’s so damn trashy.

Sand dab: When you dip a grommet’s face in the sand.
Example: “Grab that kid by the feet, and give him a sand dab.

Beauchenism: The art of being a big out-of-control teddy bear.
Example: “I could tell you mastered the art of Beauchenism by the way you dove head-first into that bush.”

Mad pop: When someone can just pop an air whenever.
Example: “Yo, that kid Schmitty’s got mad pop!”

Overtrunks: When a person wears trunks over their short-legged fullsuit.
Example: “Why the hell are you wearing overtrunks, you moron?”

Seldom: Someone who seldomly pulls anything.
Example: “Dude, that guy Josh is such a seldom.”

The flu: Someone who’s completely annoying.
Example: “Get out of here, Justin¿you’re the flu.”

The Osiris G-Bag
The mobile audio backpack.

When was the last time you went somewhere with your backpack and you’re all, “Damn, I forgot my headphones!” Well, worry no more, ’cause the brilliant heads at Osiris have answered all your problems. Now you can bump your favorite Biggie song with speakers built directly into your backpack! Unbelievable! There’re so many tech features¿a portable amplifier, a multi-CD holder, a secret stash pocket, and a remote-control shoulder strap, to name a few. You can use your own CD player, mini-disc player, tape player, MP3 player¿basically whatever you want to connect to the amp. All you have to do now is hook up some “twelves” to the backpack, and bump yourself off the ground.¿A.S.

Mellem’s Mom

If you were paying attention in the last issue, you probably saw a very unhappy Travis Mellem being pulled out of bed at three in the morning and tied to a pole in Puerto Escondido. As circumstance has it, I was the first to show the issue to Travis, and his mom happened to be standing there. From the look on Mrs. Mellem’s face, I was too scared to say anything. So I waited a couple days to call her and find out what she thought about the little charade that went on down in Puerto.¿A.C.

What’s the first thing you thought when you saw Travis getting abused down in Mexico?Garnet Mellem: He didn’t look like a happy camper, but he already told me all about it, and he was okay with it¿he had a good time. In fact, when he saw the pictures, he got the biggest grin on his face right off the bat, so I knew it was okay¿he had a good time.

I saw your face, and you looked really mad. I didn’t want to say anything to you about it. Were you shocked?

Probably a little bit. I don’t think I was mad, I was just surprised because the pictures looked a little brutal.

What about the photo of them drawing on him?

He’s laughing in that one. From my understanding, that’s what happens on any trip.

Are you gonna be letting Travis go on any more trips in the future?

Oh yeah, definitely. He’s been on trips¿actually, that isn’t totally new to him. He’s been on another trip with the same kind of thing¿they just seem to do that. It’s like a rite of passage.

If you went on a surf trip with Blair Marlin, would you do the same thing to him?

Laughing Probably, no.

Ear Bags
Keep your little buggers warm.

Whenever you get cold, you’ve probably learned to say to yourself, “I’m cold. I need something to make me warm.” Usually a part of your body is below normal temperature, so you say, “I need some pants,” “I need a sweater,” or “I need a hat.” But I bet when you’re cold you’ve never said, “I need some ear bags,” because you’re probably not a foreigner, specifically from Sweden, which is where these things are from. I’ve tried them, and believe me¿they’re nice. In fact, they’re great! (When you’re alone.) In a crowd, people might think you’re some type of burn victim where only your ears were exposed to the flames. Try them, and don’t be afraid of looking like an asshole.¿J.M.

Ten Ways To Improve Your Surfing Style

1. Tell people you’re super good at surfing, then hide on the beach. When you see a good surfer, yell out, “There I am!” Everyone should look.

2. Buy a waterbed, put a board on top of it, and practice when you’re not at the beach. This will build up your legs, as well as your confidence¿the simulation is pretty much like the real thing.

3. Like I’ve said before, make sure you have an array of multicolored tank tops, preferably ripped a little. Wear them in and out of the water.

4. Watch movies about surfing to see what surfers are really like. Try movies like North Shore, Point Break, In God’s Hands, The Big Kahuna, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, and Rumble Fish.

5. Ride a kayak¿all surfers do this when necessary.

6. Do laybacks and slashes on your skateboard just like you’re surfing. For practice, do this in front of people¿preferably on a sidewalk near the beach. Also, don’t forget to get barreled by the nearest bush on the side of the road as you head to the beach.

7. Talk like surfers do. To learn this, rent any surf movie. During parts where there’s a surfer talking, just listen. Or go to a local surf shop and record the customers and employees.

8. Eat seafood¿this will get you accustomed to the ocean. 9. Start listening to some hardcore rap or metal¿anything that makes you mad, so when you get out in the water you can really smash it up.

10. Tie your dog to a pole, tape some meat to your back, and run around in circles while the dog chases you.

Slim Jim’s For All

The beautiful people at Slim Jim recently hooked me up with a grip of the stuff, and because I’m a nice guy, I want to share it with you. Whoever can send me a short poem about the joys of eating beef jerky and beef jerky-related products will win a couple of boxes of Slim Jim’s and some other assorted jerky products. Send poetry by October 10, 2000 to:

“Slim Jim Love Fest”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

TransWorld SURF Book Reviews

Dear Diary, Dying Young
Cheryl Lanham/Berkley Books

This book touched me deeply. I felt like a little girl experiencing love for the first time. I mean, if you were placed in Katie’s shoes, how could you not? Brett and Jesse are two dudes who Katie really wants to bag up, and I don’t blame her. It’s too bad she’s a neurotic sex-crazed animal, which is a total turnoff to Brett, but Jesse kinda warms up to it:

Dear Diary,
Jesse just dropped me off, and he asked me out for a real live date! I felt awkward at first, but I told him I’d go. I really like Jesse and wish I knew how he felt about me.

KatieWell, Katie, I hope you read this, because Jesse does like you! He’s ready to turn up the volume and party like there’s no tomorrow! So get with it girl, and pack up some Seventeen magazines, a disposable camera, and hit the beach! It’ll be a blast¿full of boys (specifically Jesse). He’s the one with the power, turning all the girls’ heads, as he puts the man in manhood. Sometimes I wish I was Jesse. Katie, am I good enough? Watch your back, bro. If you read this, Jesse, I invite you to a match of fists, kicks, and wrestling. I’m serious. I’m gonna steal your girl, and you’re gonna be stranded eating sand crabs.¿J.M.

Warrior Queen
Scott Edelman/Ballantine Books

Women are evolving¿perhaps not in the way you think I’m getting at. See, they’re getting muscles and learning how to kick men’s asses. When we were all evolving from spineless jelly-ooze, who cared about the social and physical diff’re probably not a foreigner, specifically from Sweden, which is where these things are from. I’ve tried them, and believe me¿they’re nice. In fact, they’re great! (When you’re alone.) In a crowd, people might think you’re some type of burn victim where only your ears were exposed to the flames. Try them, and don’t be afraid of looking like an asshole.¿J.M.

Ten Ways To Improve Your Surfing Style

1. Tell people you’re super good at surfing, then hide on the beach. When you see a good surfer, yell out, “There I am!” Everyone should look.

2. Buy a waterbed, put a board on top of it, and practice when you’re not at the beach. This will build up your legs, as well as your confidence¿the simulation is pretty much like the real thing.

3. Like I’ve said before, make sure you have an array of multicolored tank tops, preferably ripped a little. Wear them in and out of the water.

4. Watch movies about surfing to see what surfers are really like. Try movies like North Shore, Point Break, In God’s Hands, The Big Kahuna, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, and Rumble Fish.

5. Ride a kayak¿all surfers do this when necessary.

6. Do laybacks and slashes on your skateboard just like you’re surfing. For practice, do this in front of people¿preferably on a sidewalk near the beach. Also, don’t forget to get barreled by the nearest bush on the side of the road as you head to the beach.

7. Talk like surfers do. To learn this, rent any surf movie. During parts where there’s a surfer talking, just listen. Or go to a local surf shop and record the customers and employees.

8. Eat seafood¿this will get you accustomed to the ocean. 9. Start listening to some hardcore rap or metal¿anything that makes you mad, so when you get out in the water you can really smash it up.

10. Tie your dog to a pole, tape some meat to your back, and run around in circles while the dog chases you.

Slim Jim’s For All

The beautiful people at Slim Jim recently hooked me up with a grip of the stuff, and because I’m a nice guy, I want to share it with you. Whoever can send me a short poem about the joys of eating beef jerky and beef jerky-related products will win a couple of boxes of Slim Jim’s and some other assorted jerky products. Send poetry by October 10, 2000 to:

“Slim Jim Love Fest”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

TransWorld SURF Book Reviews

Dear Diary, Dying Young
Cheryl Lanham/Berkley Books

This book touched me deeply. I felt like a little girl experiencing love for the first time. I mean, if you were placed in Katie’s shoes, how could you not? Brett and Jesse are two dudes who Katie really wants to bag up, and I don’t blame her. It’s too bad she’s a neurotic sex-crazed animal, which is a total turnoff to Brett, but Jesse kinda warms up to it:

Dear Diary,
Jesse just dropped me off, and he asked me out for a real live date! I felt awkward at first, but I told him I’d go. I really like Jesse and wish I knew how he felt about me.

KatieWell, Katie, I hope you read this, because Jesse does like you! He’s ready to turn up the volume and party like there’s no tomorrow! So get with it girl, and pack up some Seventeen magazines, a disposable camera, and hit the beach! It’ll be a blast¿full of boys (specifically Jesse). He’s the one with the power, turning all the girls’ heads, as he puts the man in manhood. Sometimes I wish I was Jesse. Katie, am I good enough? Watch your back, bro. If you read this, Jesse, I invite you to a match of fists, kicks, and wrestling. I’m serious. I’m gonna steal your girl, and you’re gonna be stranded eating sand crabs.¿J.M.

Warrior Queen
Scott Edelman/Ballantine Books

Women are evolving¿perhaps not in the way you think I’m getting at. See, they’re getting muscles and learning how to kick men’s asses. When we were all evolving from spineless jelly-ooze, who cared about the social and physical differences between the sexes? Do you think we as men cared if a woman’s job was better than ours? Or if she had a better car? Well, of course not!

This “Warrior Queen” lady, Joanie Laurer, is a real pushover. In fact, Joanie-baloney, I invite you to a pure physical duel. I’ll take you on¿you’re nothin’. I saw your boyfriend on the inside of the “Hot Color Photos” and he was tore up. I’ll take you both on in the ring and show you a good time.

Man, this lady is a product of some type of identity crisis caught between medieval times and an old Poison video. Read this book if forced to, otherwise, just forget about it. It has nothing to do with surfing.¿J.M.

Helping The Disabled Learn How To Surf

Special props go out to tandem surf legend Danny Cortazzo for his work with disabled kids in Santa Cruz, California. Every year Danny helps hundreds of severly burned, mentally disabled, and physically challenged kids enjoy life a little bit more by taking them out surfing at various locations around California. More people in this world should give back to society like Danny does. For more information, contact Molly at (510) 654- 7287.

Name The Vans Air Team Winner

The winner of the “Name The Vans Air Team” contest is the talented Eraina Moss of Los Angeles, California. She not only came up with some really good names, but she came up with 72 of them! She kicked this contest’s ass! Here are some of her cooler Air Team names:

Goblins Ride Again
Floating Gypsies
Blue Sky Blurs
Blazing Bombers
Team SLG: Stuck Like Glue
U.S. Aeronautical Team
Flying Apes On A Mission
The runner-up in the contest was Jeff Dumbrowski of Beaverton, Oregon with his name, Team Vanguard.

The Exploders Giveaway Winner

Robert Overkamp of Lincoln, Nebraska wrote:

“Why do I deserve The Exploders video from Colonel Klopf? Because, unless Steven Spielberg’s movie-magic comet strikes the Earth sending a billion-foot wave my way¿the only ‘airs’ I can look forward to are cow farts.”

Other winners are Jake Herndell from Plano, Texas, and Chay from Vancouver Island, B.C., Canada.

Three Tricks To Play On Teachers
Fool your school.

Teachers are easy to trick ’cause they’re so involoved in showing off how to do math and stuff. They think they know it all, but they don’t! So here’s what you can do, kiddies:

1. During class, ask questions like, “Why am I alive?” or “Why do koalas make those horrible noises when mating?” This will throw them off, and if they’re smart alecks, they’ll go off on a tangent trying to explain these things and completely forget about class.

2. If called on to speak in class, say you don’t believe in any political parties, are nonpartisan, and it’s against your religion to participate. This will ensure the teacher doesn’t mess with you, and if they actually try, just stall ’em ’til recess.

3. To be honest, most teachers are really nice and are only out there to help you, but if you come across one of the bad apples in the orchard, then imagine taking care of them with itching powder or chocolate-covered Ex-Lax. Either way, they’ll have to skip class and explain to the school board why their pants are stained or why their body is all red and puffy.

Yep, school’s gonna be here before you know it, and you should contemplate the possible circumstances you may have to face¿be prepared for war.

Garlic Candies
Eat some.

Garlic candies remind me of girls¿they’re deceiving. One time I took a trip to Mexico and met a girl who was real sweet looking. After putting in all the work necessary to get some smooching, I soon realized her breath was cold kickin’ it¿she must’ve been friends with Hal Atosis. Despite the malodorous smell and taste, I didn’t care¿I was down for the action. She’d probably just been eating garlic candy.¿A.C.

Draw A Spy T-Shirt, Win Some Free Product

My friend Brendan works at Spy Optics as a graphic artist, but he’s a lazy pile, so I thought we could have you readers do some of his work for him. Simply draw a cool Spy T-shirt design, and you could win a big Spy grab bag full of all the things you see here. It’s so easy a monkey could do it. Hell, I’ll bet even a blind monkey with one arm could do it.