Five Places We Dare You To Go
Not everywhere is fun and games, kids. Below are five of the most undesirable-yet surfable-places we could possibly come up with. However, before you book your ticket on Jihad Air, we’ve spoken with our New York-based attorneys, and you can’t sue us should you be so dumb as to actually go to one of these god-awful “surf spots” and die.
Icebergs, horny male penguins, weekly “perfect storms,” and an ozone-depleted atmosphere that allows the sun to burn the shit out of you in seconds are just a few of the dangers of this destination. Did we mention it’s kinda cold and the only women there are burly researchers who haven’t seen fresh meat in months? On the bright side, you’ll never have a lack of swell, and last time we checked, penguins don’t surf.
And the winner for “Most Likely Destination To Be Kidnapped In” is … Colombia! Whether it’s the coked-up drug cartels or the government-sponsored death squads, your chances of spending several years blindfolded and hungry in the jungle are higher here than anywhere in the Americas. Don’t forget about the arm-chomping saltwater crocodiles, either. However, if you do decide to go to Colombia, report back to us about the hundreds of miles of under-explored Pacific and Caribbean coastlines.
Due to an ongoing conflict between Morocco, Mauritania, and a group of refugees called the Polisario Front, nobody’s really sure who runs this place. Land mines are scattered haphazardly throughout the bone-dry, flat country, and food is not grown anywhere. To top it off, according to the CIA Web site, “animal husbandry” is a popular occupation for those unfortunate enough to live there. If you do go, after you’ve consummated your marriage to a jackass, scout the limitless coastline for deserted point breaks.
Besides rampant AIDS and street thugs who will kill you for five bucks, the U.S. State Department has some choice words for those who want to visit Haiti: “Visitors and residents must remain vigilant due to the absence of an effective police force in much of Haiti; the potential for looting; the presence of intermittent roadblocks set by armed gangs or by the police; and the possibility of random violent crime, including kidnapping, car-jacking, and assault.” Catch a sick Caribbean hurricane swell here and you won’t care if the cops beat the crap out of you and rob you blind.
Another favorite of the State Department-why can’t they lighten up on this wave-rich region of the world? Perhaps it’s the religiously fanatical and well-armed Taliban and Al-Qaida dudes who are still operating within the country and who just plain hate Westerners (especially Bush-led Americans). On the upside, if you capture Osama Bin Laden, the country’s most famous resident, you’ll be 100,000,000 dollars richer. That kind of loot will buy you a boatload of AK-47s and your own private army to protect you while you rip.-Justin Cotà‡