Surfer Outruns MermanAncient tales have run amuck about the mermen of Indonesia and their friendliness toward traveling surfers from around the world. Known for luring in boatloads of Brazilian surfers, the merman’s existence had always been a mystery-until now. According to witnesses, Chip Spencer was mid-slash when out of the corner of his eye he saw what appeared to be an extraordinary fin slowly moving up the tail of his board. Shocked, he wasted no time grabbing his stick, doing what no man has done since Jesus-run on water. “Dude, I was like, totally freaked,” said Spencer.
Florida Vultures Take Over InletOverfed and lazy, the shark population of Central Florida has begun to ignore the crowded lineup of Sebastian Inlet as a result of having indulged in high numbers of tourists. The local beach stores have sold out of Boogie boards, the number of people floating in the lineup has tripled, and the local tigers, hammers, and bulls couldn’t care less. The problem has been escalating for years, revealing a whole new type of predator-surfing vultures. Tommy O’Brien, seen here going in for the kill, has noticeably become more bird-like over the years and can be seen clawing to the railing at the Inlet, waiting for his next victim. “I began noticing his peculiar behavior around age twelve,” says Tom O’Brien Sr. “He began pecking at his girlfriends, insisting on fresh roadkill for dinner, and paddling circles around Boogie boarders in the water.”
Surfer Praises God Before Seeing HimBefore visiting Shark Island, Mark Matthews wasn’t a religious man at all. His wicked life of getting filth tubes never made him realize the ramifications of such unholy deeds. That’s until that blessed day when Matthews was paddling at the top of this heaving monsta and said, “God, mate, it is at this moment when I ask for you to sanctify me and me board to make this unholy drop.” Mathews made the drop, raised his left hand to the sky, said, “Oh thank you, God,” and proceeded to get drilled by the lip.