Behind The Cover: Matt Archbold

Behind The Cover: Matt Archbold

How’d you find out about the cover?
Garth Tarlow, O’Neill team manager called and said, “Hey jackass, you got the new cover of TransWorld.”I said, “Bullshit.” He said, “Yeah.”Then I said, “Well, then. F-k, right on!”

[IMAGE 1]

Do you remember taking that shot?
Actually I might, but there’re so many waves that have been insane. I remember I got real close to this one guy toward the end of my trip in November, and I think he was one of the only guys out. I was like, “Whoa, that was pretty close.” I think that was it-I’m not too sure, though. There’re a lot of waves at Off The Wall where you pass by a lot of photographers.

Did it come at a good time with your new sponsors?
Yeah, it couldn’t have come at a better time. O’Neill’s super stoked on me, plus I’ve got a broken wrist right now. I can’t surf. I haven’t been able to surf for like a month, so it came at a real good time-right when I need it.

[IMAGE 2]

How’d you break the wrist?
Skating, f-kin’ around. I just jumped on a skateboard, slid out, fell back, and landed on my wrist. No great big story, but …

You got the cover.F-k yeah, I’m stoked.

O’Neill Sportswear GiveawayWin some clothes or something.Once again, we bring you another chance to win some gear at no cost to you (unless you bought this mag). It’s very simple, really. All you need to do is tell us who your favorite O’Neill rider is and send us a letter with an explanation why. The most creative response wins. Send it by May 22, 2001 to:

“I Wanna Win Some O’Neill Stuff Real Bad”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

The World’s Best Travel Speakers
The SI-5 by Sonic Impact.
Here’s a new way to rock out while on the road. This new super-compact sound system can make even a shit band like Creed sound great. The SI-5 system consists of two CD-case-sized speakers and an amp that’s half the speakers size. These little speakers put out some serious sound, and they even feature a surround-sound setting that’ll turn your hotel room or tent into a disco. While inexpensive and needing only four AAA batteries, this system is a must-have for any traveler or music lover.-C.C.To order, go to www.si-5.com or www.si-technologies.com.

More Web Sites That Are Still In Business

www.allmusic.com-The best music-directory Web site ever, period! All you do is type any band into its search engine, and hours and hours of info will be rocketed back to you, including related bands, discography, music type, reviews, mp3s, and more. Go to this site or die.

www.atthedrive-in.com-This ass-ripper of a Web site is the official site for the ass-kicking rock-band At The Drive In. It includes photos, clothes, discography, videos, and message boards for the band. Check it out to hear some real music.

www.morefuturama.com-The best Web site for the best show in the world. It has all the information you could ever want about The Simpsons creator’s new show, Futurama. There’re previews of future shows, whole shows, past shows, streaming video, merchandise, and screen savers-everything Futurama. Go to this site now, you Zoidbergs.

www.entertainmentearth.com-There’s a ton of cool stuff to buy on this Web site that features memorabilia, collectibles, action figures, and all other types of Hollywood stuff. Make sure to bring your credit card.

www.shockwave.com-This site has tons of shit, including arcade games made famous in the 80s like Spy Hunter, Deer Hunter, Tetris, Capcom Bowling, Tank Wars, and a new fun game called King Of The Hill Paintball that includes Hank Hill, Boomhauer, and the rest of the cast. This site has literally hundreds of topics to get lost in for a few hours.

Recent Contest WhinersOkay! Here we go with the most recent winners of last issue’s giveaways. Sound exciting?
You betcha. The winner of the Etnies giveaway was none other than Clayn Fiscalini from Cambria, California. He sent us the first response, so he wins the shoes. And The Arnette/Bruce Irons sunglasses giveaway was awarded to Kim Barbadillo from the North Shore of O’ahu, Hawai’i. Congratulations to the winners. Way to go, people!

Surf Slang

Duudge-The sound a person makes when they do a surf slash in their mind.

Example: “Yo, dawg. If I was on that wave, I’d be like all duudge, duudge.”

Cha-Another word for yeah.
Example: “Hey, Jimmy. Are you going to the party tonight?

Like cha, of course I am.”

Egg-What cool surfers say instead of eggy.

Example: “Dude, the waves are so egg. I’m not even gonna paddle.”

Dickriding-Kissing ass or sucking up to someone.

Example: “Jeez, man. You really want to be sponsored, huh?
You’re practically dickriding that guy.”

Tracky-What some jack-offs call traction pads.

Example: “I just got a new board, and it’s so sweet. Now all I need’s some tracky.”

Video-Game Ass-When you sit on your ass for too long playing video games and it goes numb.

Example: “Oh, man. My ass is numb. I’ve got full-on video-game ass.”

Gimp Dicksit-Another name for the crappy band called Limp Bizkit.

Example: “Dude, is that Fred Durst from Gimp Dicksit?
He’s so boss.”

Morning Stiffness-When you try to surf in the morning, but you’re totally stiff.

Example: “Man, I need to stretch. I’ve got full-on morning stiffness.”

Gelphling-Another word for a young surfer.

Example: “Check out that little gelphling. He’s ripping so hard.”

Penisopholous-A jerk.

Example: “Screw you! You can be such a penisopholous sometimes.”

Herbs-Rich, yuppie surfers who suck and only surf on weekends.

Example: “Damn, you can’t get away from all these herbs here in Del Mar, California.”

Try Too Hard Crew (TTHC)-Surfers who try way too hard at surfing.

Example: “Chris surfs all right, but when he does airs he’s an honorary chairman of the TTHC.”

Surfboard Giveaway
Win a brand-new custom Boysen shape.
We are all about giveaways here at TransWorld SURF. It’s because we want to reward our readers with token objects of desire. It’s also because we like getting stuff for free, too. It’s a win-win situation no matter how you look at it.To win the surfboard, all you have to do is give us ten things to do with your surfboard when you’re done with it. For example: Take your old board and reshape it into a small, fiberglass skateboard. The funniest ten responses will receive one custom surfboard shaped by Steve Boysen. Send your answers by May 22, 2001 to:

[IMAGE 3]

“I Wanna Be In A Boysen Band”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

A Surfer’s Pastime: Getting Attacked At Bowling Alleys
Your fellow surf bros may not be your bros, bro.

It’s a hostile world out there, but it can be understood. Ever been driving and some jerk tailgates you?
Or you’re dancing with your girl and some dude trys to out-dance your moves?
Or you go bowling and some cement-head gets out of hand and trys to punch you out?
Be careful, there’s no mystical bond or kinship with your fellow surfer. I mean, just when you think it’s safe to throw a shaka, you get put into a headlock or totally vibed out. When there’s no surf, what do surfers do?
Well, there’re surf vids, surf mags, surf chicks, surf skatin’, and bowling. Bowling’s a surfer’s pastime. It builds muscles and strenghthens nearsightedness.The alley is not safe, though. First off, there’re the bowlers. They’re there to drink beer and bang up the alley. Then there’re the women bowlers-they’re tore up from the floor up and usually looking for love. And finally, you have the assholes. They usually go bowling to start fights and pretend they’re good by showing off for their bowler girlfriends. Their aggressive natures are based on several things like “baby penis” complex, low IQ, and strong bitterness. I say bitter because the “asshole” usually sucks at the very things they identify with and socially take part in. This is frustrating for them, so they take out their anger on their poor girlfriends, or on the people who exceed their sad state of skill and ability. Watch out for these guys. Don’t even try to be friendly with them. Here’s what to look out for:

1. If their necks are cocked back and their arms are floating out from the sides to create the illusion of muscles, beware.

2. Any type of hat worn too low exemplifies toughness.

3. When they’re accompanied by a girl, they’ll get even angrier when not being able to perform correctly. They think it’s impressive to start a fight in front of their lady.

So look out, everyone. You wouldn’t want to get wonged in the back of the head on your way out from a peaceful bowling session.

The Limited Edition Ozzie Wright
Volcom Sticker/Poster Giveaway
Artist, aerialist, renaissance man, and hero to all, Ozzie Wright has recently been immortalized on a very limited-edition Volcom sticker. Only five of these 1.5 x 2-foot stickers were produced, and now you have a chance to win two of them! All you have to do is draw a picture of Ozzie (portrait or action). The best two win the most exclusive art piece to arrive on the scene in years. Send your entries by May 22, 2001 to:

“Ozzie Wright Is My Hero”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

Coke Is It!
Ten fun things to do with Coca-Cola (besides drink it).

Everyone’s addicted to Coke. No, not cocaine, silly. Coca-Cola. Jam-packed full of sugar, caffeine, and “natural flavors,” Coke’s the best. The following list of factual-sounding information about your favorite beverage was e-mailed to us by some paranoid health freaks who call themselves Tutopia Brazil Mail:

1. In many states, the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in their trunks to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car-battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It’ll also clean road haze from your windshield.

8. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH level is 2.8. It’ll dissolve a nail in about four days.

9. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate), commercial trucks must use the hazardous-material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

10. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for twenty years!

Disclaimer: We have no idea if any of this is true or if it’s just urban myth, but it’s funny, so who cares.

How To Throw A One-Person Party
Parties where there’re more than one person are so overrated. One-person parties are back in vogue. One-person parties were popular when the human race was just getting started-when we were transforming from amphibious jelly-like ooze into bipeds. Some of the first humans were really messed-up looking, so they had to throw one-person parties. Here’re six steps on how to throw a one-person party by today’s standards:

1. Get some cardboard and cut out lifesize figures of the people you’d want at your party.g bitterness. I say bitter because the “asshole” usually sucks at the very things they identify with and socially take part in. This is frustrating for them, so they take out their anger on their poor girlfriends, or on the people who exceed their sad state of skill and ability. Watch out for these guys. Don’t even try to be friendly with them. Here’s what to look out for:

1. If their necks are cocked back and their arms are floating out from the sides to create the illusion of muscles, beware.

2. Any type of hat worn too low exemplifies toughness.

3. When they’re accompanied by a girl, they’ll get even angrier when not being able to perform correctly. They think it’s impressive to start a fight in front of their lady.

So look out, everyone. You wouldn’t want to get wonged in the back of the head on your way out from a peaceful bowling session.

The Limited Edition Ozzie Wright
Volcom Sticker/Poster Giveaway
Artist, aerialist, renaissance man, and hero to all, Ozzie Wright has recently been immortalized on a very limited-edition Volcom sticker. Only five of these 1.5 x 2-foot stickers were produced, and now you have a chance to win two of them! All you have to do is draw a picture of Ozzie (portrait or action). The best two win the most exclusive art piece to arrive on the scene in years. Send your entries by May 22, 2001 to:

“Ozzie Wright Is My Hero”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

Coke Is It!
Ten fun things to do with Coca-Cola (besides drink it).

Everyone’s addicted to Coke. No, not cocaine, silly. Coca-Cola. Jam-packed full of sugar, caffeine, and “natural flavors,” Coke’s the best. The following list of factual-sounding information about your favorite beverage was e-mailed to us by some paranoid health freaks who call themselves Tutopia Brazil Mail:

1. In many states, the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in their trunks to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car-battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It’ll also clean road haze from your windshield.

8. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH level is 2.8. It’ll dissolve a nail in about four days.

9. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate), commercial trucks must use the hazardous-material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

10. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for twenty years!

Disclaimer: We have no idea if any of this is true or if it’s just urban myth, but it’s funny, so who cares.

How To Throw A One-Person Party
Parties where there’re more than one person are so overrated. One-person parties are back in vogue. One-person parties were popular when the human race was just getting started-when we were transforming from amphibious jelly-like ooze into bipeds. Some of the first humans were really messed-up looking, so they had to throw one-person parties. Here’re six steps on how to throw a one-person party by today’s standards:

1. Get some cardboard and cut out lifesize figures of the people you’d want at your party. Label them with name tags-invite whoever you want, there’re no limits. Be it Lionel Ritchie, or your next-door neighbor-they won’t even know they’re there.

2. Get a six-pack of soda pop, one bag of chips, one waste basket, and one plastic cup. Then proceed to lay them about your table.

3. Turn on some loud music and dance however you want-your cardboard friends can’t really tell if you’re good or bad at dancing.

4. Get your answering machine and tape it to the bottom of your left foot.

5. Make sure to cut out a bouncer to guard the front door-who knows who’s going to try and crash your party. If you can’t do that, then put a litttle sign on the door that reads, “Do not disturb, one-person party in progress.”

6. Most importantly, don’t tell anyone you put on a one-person party.

Book And Magazine Reviews

Fit To Surf
The Surfer’s Guide To Strength Training & Conditioning
By Rocky Snyder C.S.C.S.
Back in the day, surfers worked out by smoking weed and drinking beer. These days, however, surfers must do specific exercises to make themselves rip. In this book by Rocky Snyder, diagrams, lists, and pictures show surfers how to beef up their surf power and stamina. This book’s guaranteed to make you rip twice as hard or your money back. And that’s not all, my friends-with each copy, you’ll receive a free picture of Rocky taken by Boots McGhee.-C.C.

It’s All Your Fault:
How To Make It As A Hollywood Assistant.
By Bill Robinson & Ceridwen Morris
Fireside Books
Hollywood is a mess, and this book’s basically a commentary on the mess. It’s a very insightful book, with info coming from two reliable sources. Even though it’s enlightening, it’s also very cynical and generalized. Most “stars” are probably extremely vain and unkind, but some aren’t. This book will bust any fantasmic bubbles you’ve been blowing about how great “Big Willie” Smith and Matt Damon are because they were so good in that one movie, or whatever. This book’s going to break your heart a little. It’s a very truthful, funny, and ridiculous handbook guide to anyone planning on entering a career in the Hollywood arena. It’s a scary point of view-a place where visions and dreams are made material and sliced open to reveal an insidious acrid world illustrated by It’s All Your Fault. Forget pursuing acting or directing, be something honorable like a teacher or a construction worker-teach our kids or build our homes. Don’t pretend to be a star on the silver screen and then in real life be an asshole.-J.M.

SurfTime
Indo Publishing
The only way to truly enjoy your ice-cold Bintang beer at the end of the day is to kick back with the latest issue of SurfTime. Courageously launched back in late ’99 during scares of a Y2K bug world meltdown, SurfTime is Indonesia’s premier surf magazine, although it covers way more than the title reads.Behind the cover of this handsome, glossy, bimonthly deal, you’ll find the latest lowdown on the Indo scene, including local and visiting surfers, skateboarders, raging parties, tide charts, contests, travels to remote islands, plus a ton of other tasty tidbits. Each issue also covers one of the local “legends” who has played an integral role in Indonesia’s surfing history.If for some reason English is not what you speak, every word is also translated into Indonesian and Japanese. Currently distributed mostly in Indonesia, it won’t be long until SurfTime is available internationally.-Lorca Lueras

Cats magazine, February 2001 Issue
Primedia Publishing
I don’t know why I receive this magazine here at TransWorld SURF. A box of 50 of them come directly to the SURF department every month addressed to “Guy Saleme,” and my name’s written on a line on the box where it says “Attention.”I’m not bummed at all, because Cats magazine is a great publication with informative facts about felines. I have a cat at home, and I’ve always wondered why he gets sick alll the time.With Cats magazine, I’ve found all the answers to everything I wanted to know about feline projectile vomiting. If you’re a concerned cat owner like I am, you should go to your local newsstand (or Petco) and find this.-A.S.

Getting Fired
The ins and outs of your workplace
(or in this case, your ex-workplace).

There’re many things in life that are mandatory. One of them I’ve come to recognize is work. Whether you’re on the streets working for love, begging for money, or trapped in a fast-food joint, it’s all work. It can really be a drag most the time, too. That’s why you need to go to college so you can own your own buisness-then you’ll have hundreds of people under you to boss around. Anyway, to make a real long story short, people get hired and fired all the time-the only difference in those two words are the first letters, “H” and “F.” Also known as the “Hell and F-k” process-you get hired and say, “Hell, I just got this crappy job. Now I have to work all the time.” Then later on it’s, “F-k, dude. I just got fired.”Here’re some rules, ways of the game, and possible problems:

1. When you get hired, act like it’s no big deal. Tell your employer you had plenty of offers before this one, and you might not stay long.

2. If your new company isn’t willing to bend the rules for you or cut you a little slack-then quit. You know, rules like smoking while you’re waiting tables, or if you want to leave work three hours early. Big deal.

3. Don’t take shit from anyone. If you’re getting a complaint from a customer, like, “Where’s my salad?
” or, “I got the wrong order,” tell them there’s no more salad, and that they should take what they can get, for god’s sake.

4. If your new job has a instruction booklet on how to greet customers or on how to be the number-one McBurger Bob’s worker, don’t read it-just quit and beat up the manager who made you read it.

5. If you do actually get fired, then write a letter to your local congressman. Take action! Tell the police you were treated unfairly because of your disability or your ethnicity. If you’re white, tell them you’re actually a different color and you have a skin disease like Michael Jackson’s.

6. Finally, when you have to go back to your workplace to pick up your last paycheck, return the already-been-used work uniform you paid twenty bucks for. Yes, the workplace has strange dynamics. You may never totally understand it, so don’t ever feel like a loser, a shithead, or a nobody if you’re “let go,” “layed off,” or “fired.” There’re plenty of jobs out there willing to hire tons of incompetant people-just call up a fast-food joint and talk to one of their employees.-J.M.

bel them with name tags-invite whoever you want, there’re no limits. Be it Lionel Ritchie, or your next-door neighbor-they won’t even know they’re there.

2. Get a six-pack of soda pop, one bag of chips, one waste basket, and one plastic cup. Then proceed to lay them about your table.

3. Turn on some loud music and dance however you want-your cardboard friends can’t really tell if you’re good or bad at dancing.

4. Get your answering machine and tape it to the bottom of your left foot.

5. Make sure to cut out a bouncer to guard the front door-who knows who’s going to try and crash your party. If you can’t do that, then put a litttle sign on the door that reads, “Do not disturb, one-person party in progress.”

6. Most importantly, don’t tell anyone you put on a one-person party.

Book And Magazine Reviews

Fit To Surf
The Surfer’s Guide To Strength Training & Conditioning
By Rocky Snyder C.S.C.S.
Back in the day, surfers worked out by smoking weed and drinking beer. These days, however, surfers must do specific exercises to make themselves rip. In this book by Rocky Snyder, diagrams, lists, and pictures show surfers how to beef up their surf power and stamina. This book’s guaranteed to make you rip twice as hard or your money back. And that’s not all, my friends-with each copy, you’ll receive a free picture of Rocky taken by Boots McGhee.-C.C.

It’s All Your Fault:
How To Make It As A Hollywood Assistant.
By Bill Robinson & Ceridwen Morris
Fireside Books
Hollywood is a mess, and this book’s basically a commentary on the mess. It’s a very insightful book, with info coming from two reliable sources. Even though it’s enlightening, it’s also very cynical and generalized. Most “stars” are probably extremely vain and unkind, but some aren’t. This book will bust any fantasmic bubbles you’ve been blowing about how great “Big Willie” Smith and Matt Damon are because they were so good in that one movie, or whatever. This book’s going to break your heart a little. It’s a very truthful, funny, and ridiculous handbook guide to anyone planning on entering a career in the Hollywood arena. It’s a scary point of view-a place where visions and dreams are made material and sliced open to reveal an insidious acrid world illustrated by It’s All Your Fault. Forget pursuing acting or directing, be something honorable like a teacher or a construction worker-teach our kids or build our homes. Don’t pretend to be a star on the silver screen and then in real life be an asshole.-J.M.

SurfTime
Indo Publishing
The only way to truly enjoy your ice-cold Bintang beer at the end of the day is to kick back with the latest issue of SurfTime. Courageously launched back in late ’99 during scares of a Y2K bug world meltdown, SurfTime is Indonesia’s premier surf magazine, although it covers way more than the title reads.Behind the cover of this handsome, glossy, bimonthly deal, you’ll find the latest lowdown on the Indo scene, including local and visiting surfers, skateboarders, raging parties, tide charts, contests, travels to remote islands, plus a ton of other tasty tidbits. Each issue also covers one of the local “legends” who has played an integral role in Indonesia’s surfing history.If for some reason English is not what you speak, every word is also translated into Indonesian and Japanese. Currently distributed mostly in Indonesia, it won’t be long until SurfTime is available internationally.-Lorca Lueras

Cats magazine, February 2001 Issue
Primedia Publishing
I don’t know why I receive this magazine here at TransWorld SURF. A box of 50 of them come directly to the SURF department every month addressed to “Guy Saleme,” and my name’s written on a line on the box where it says “Attention.”I’m not bummed at all, because Cats magazine is a great publication with informative facts about felines. I have a cat at home, and I’ve always wondered why he gets sick all the time.With Cats magazine, I’ve found all the answers to everything I wanted to know about feline projectile vomiting. If you’re a concerned cat owner like I am, you should go to your local newsstand (or Petco) and find this.-A.S.

Getting Fired
The ins and outs of your workplace
(or in this case, your ex-workplace).

There’re many things in life that are mandatory. One of them I’ve come to recognize is work. Whether you’re on the streets working for love, begging for money, or trapped in a fast-food joint, it’s all work. It can really be a drag most the time, too. That’s why you need to go to college so you can own your own buisness-then you’ll have hundreds of people under you to boss around. Anyway, to make a real long story short, people get hired and fired all the time-the only difference in those two words are the first letters, “H” and “F.” Also known as the “Hell and F-k” process-you get hired and say, “Hell, I just got this crappy job. Now I have to work all the time.” Then later on it’s, “F-k, dude. I just got fired.”Here’re some rules, ways of the game, and possible problems:

1. When you get hired, act like it’s no big deal. Tell your employer you had plenty of offers before this one, and you might not stay long.

2. If your new company isn’t willing to bend the rules for you or cut you a little slack-then quit. You know, rules like smoking while you’re waiting tables, or if you want to leave work three hours early. Big deal.

3. Don’t take shit from anyone. If you’re getting a complaint from a customer, like, “Where’s my salad?
” or, “I got the wrong order,” tell them there’s no more salad, and that they should take what they can get, for god’s sake.

4. If your new job has a instruction booklet on how to greet customers or on how to be the number-one McBurger Bob’s worker, don’t read it-just quit and beat up the manager who made you read it.

5. If you do actually get fired, then write a letter to your local congressman. Take action! Tell the police you were treated unfairly because of your disability or your ethnicity. If you’re white, tell them you’re actually a different color and you have a skin disease like Michael Jackson’s.

6. Finally, when you have to go back to your workplace to pick up your last paycheck, return the already-been-used work uniform you paid twenty bucks for. Yes, the workplace has strange dynamics. You may never totally understand it, so don’t ever feel like a loser, a shithead, or a nobody if you’re “let go,” “layed off,” or “fired.” There’re plenty of jobs out there willing to hire tons of incompetant people-just call up a fast-food joint and talk to one of their employees.-J.M.

he gets sick all the time.With Cats magazine, I’ve found all the answers to everything I wanted to know about feline projectile vomiting. If you’re a concerned cat owner like I am, you should go to your local newsstand (or Petco) and find this.-A.S.

Getting Fired
The ins and outs of your workplace
(or in this case, your ex-workplace).

There’re many things in life that are mandatory. One of them I’ve come to recognize is work. Whether you’re on the streets working for love, begging for money, or trapped in a fast-food joint, it’s all work. It can really be a drag most the time, too. That’s why you need to go to college so you can own your own buisness-then you’ll have hundreds of people under you to boss around. Anyway, to make a real long story short, people get hired and fired all the time-the only difference in those two words are the first letters, “H” and “F.” Also known as the “Hell and F-k” process-you get hired and say, “Hell, I just got this crappy job. Now I have to work all the time.” Then later on it’s, “F-k, dude. I just got fired.”Here’re some rules, ways of the game, and possible problems:

1. When you get hired, act like it’s no big deal. Tell your employer you had plenty of offers before this one, and you might not stay long.

2. If your new company isn’t willing to bend the rules for you or cut you a little slack-then quit. You know, rules like smoking while you’re waiting tables, or if you want to leave work three hours early. Big deal.

3. Don’t take shit from anyone. If you’re getting a complaint from a customer, like, “Where’s my salad?
” or, “I got the wrong order,” tell them there’s no more salad, and that they should take what they can get, for god’s sake.

4. If your new job has a instruction booklet on how to greet customers or on how to be the number-one McBurger Bob’s worker, don’t read it-just quit and beat up the manager who made you read it.

5. If you do actually get fired, then write a letter to your local congressman. Take action! Tell the police you were treated unfairly because of your disability or your ethnicity. If you’re white, tell them you’re actually a different color and you have a skin disease like Michael Jackson’s.

6. Finally, when you have to go back to your workplace to pick up your last paycheck, return the already-been-used work uniform you paid twenty bucks for. Yes, the workplace has strange dynamics. You may never totally understand it, so don’t ever feel like a loser, a shithead, or a nobody if you’re “let go,” “layed off,” or “fired.” There’re plenty of jobs out there willing to hire tons of incompetant people-just call up a fast-food joint and talk to one of their employees.-J.M.