Buck’s Tuesday Tickle
By Brendan Buckley
If you can recall a few weeks back (I know it’s hard; I was drunk for the entire 4th of July week, too.), a hard-bodied bald man emerged from a pristine Fijian sea hoisting a trophy. Robert Kelly Slater won his 529th world tour event. Since then, the top however-many-it-is-now have had a break from the gruesome man-on-man competition which was invented by Australian transvestite Peter Drouyn. This break extends until Tahiti starts on August 16, which leaves our anxious minds left wondering what our heroes are up to on their summer vacation. Let us now ponder the life of a world tour surfer. Are their lives really as boring as their Twitter accounts make it seem? They can’t be! Not even a dental assistant from South Dakota’s life could be that dull. This is how I think these gentlemen are keeping busy…
Michael Eugene Fanning is working with a Tibetan monk to figure out how to get past Slater’s mind games and retain his first place spot. His, as well as everyone’s, biggest challenge: being able to look into those piercing eyes and accept the fact that he had sex with Pamela Anderson in her prime. Namaste, Mick.
Jordy Smith is working with Bobby Martinez to stage a webcast meltdown in Tahiti. Afterwards, Sterling Spencer will convince everyone that it was all just a big joke he was playing on everyone. Still, nobody will be able to figure out whether his glasses are serious or not.
Bede Durbridge is trying airs. But not like a cat on acid. More like a leprechaun on Ketamine.
Kelly Slater is playing golf and throwing eggs at cars with tennis’ original bad-ass, Johnny McEnroe.
Julian Wilson is having sex.
Jadson Andre has hired Laird Hamilton as a mentor on how to become famous in America. He will think he’s been dating Kim Kardashian for months, later to find out that it’s been Snooki the whole time. Language barriers suck.
Owen Wright is working to increase his inconsistency. He is hoping that if he falls more, he will be scored higher for his completed maneuvers.
Brett Simpson is avoiding Huntington Beach.
The golden children, John John and Kolohe, are working on a reality TV show. Unfortunately for all those in favor of surfing going mainstream, it will only air on the TLC network and will feature The Cake Boss and the cast of Little People, Big World competing for a contract renewal with the network. John and Kolohe will only be judges.
I have no f—king idea what Matt Wilkinson, Raoni Montiero, and Michel Bourez are doing.
Jeremy Flores is friends with Sunny Garcia… I don’t wanna get beat up.
Taj Burrow will acquire the license PlayBoy Australia and will purchase a hairless cat, even though he’s not allergic.
Gabriel Medina will hire Dion Agius as his lifestyle coach. After a turbulent few weeks of miscommunication, the relationship will destruct at a Black Keys concert. Gabe, in a fury, will whip his beanie off of his sweaty summertime hair. This outburst will cost him a part in Kai Neville’s next movie.
Everyone else is in Bali…
TransWorld SURF does not always agree with Buck Nasty but we’re giving him a shot anyway. His idea for a column logo is above and came with the words, “I’m envisioning a tickle hand of sorts. You know, just a white gloved hand with nothing to do and no place to go. No direction home sort of shit, a la Bobby Dylan. Just a gloved hand that has nothing to do but to tickle. And maybe a ham, too. Nobody really tickles hams anymore and it’s honestly pretty sad.”
What do you think, should we keep him around for more of this lunacy?