Chris Cote’s Weekly Rant

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I was wrong last week when I said it was cold. That was because I hadn’t even surfed. Now that I have—it’s really not that bad. Last week’s swell was insane. The overhead waves fanned by strong Santa Anas made for some of the most beautiful conditions I’ve seen in years. Forget the forest fires and the rock-hard crystallized mucus that Colonel Santa Ana forms, and think about the late drops and hollow waves the winds bring.

Unfortunately, winds from the east coupled with large groundswells bring every Tom, Dick, and Jack-off from the world into the water. Four-man waves and train-wreck collisions were commonplace last week. A few uncoordinated, ignorant bad-apples spoiled some amazing waves for a lot of people. The only upside to being snaked is finally having a good excuse to pitch a tongue-lashing at a deserving victim. The best revenge for getting snaked is not punching the guy, it’s making the guy feel stupid in front of the whole lineup. Here’s some things you can say to a snake. (Please refrain from violence. That would make you the asshole.)

“I thought sex offenders had to stay away from this beach.”

“Why do you sit in your car and watch people change through binoculars. I think that’s pretty f—ked up.”

“Aren’t you the guy who they caught jacking off in the bushes here yesterday?”

“Wow, I’ve never had the pleasure of being snaked by such an moron. We should try that again real soon.”

“That was very childish for a full-grown adult pile of shit like you.”

“Congratulations. You just made the list of the world’s biggest dipshits.”

“Thanks, I got a great view of your fat, bloated ass on that last one.”

“You didn’t have to do that. Everyone out here hates you enough already.”

“You’re dangerous. Where’d you learn to surf, in a bathtub?” (Say this in an Australian accent ala Alex from the movie North Shore.)

“Hey jerk-off. You surf like shit.”

“Hey shit-on-a-stick. Go somewhere else with your limp-dick surf style.”