Letters 4-2

Letters 4-2

We here at TransWorld SURF would like to thank you, the readers, for sending us letters. Some letters are very supportive, complimentary, and use words like “great” and “fantastic” to describe our magazine.

Other letters, however, use words like “satanic” and “smells like my crotch” to describe us. Either way, we’re thankful that our readers care enough about us to take a little time out of their days to write their thoughts down on paper or via e-mail.

This month, there’ll be no theme, character, or gimmick for answering the letters-just honest, straight-forward responses that tackle the real issues and questions written in the letters.-C.C.

LEARN ME TO SURF

Hey, guys! I finish school next spring, and I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf. Where’s the best place for a beginner to learn? I’m planning on moving to the best spot, and I’m open to anywhere in the world-excluding the Continental U.S. Everyone tells me that I should go to Honolulu, Hawai’i. Anyway, what do you think?

Amber Coontz
New York, New York

Amber,

Learning to surf is a very good idea. The best place to learn how would probably be the North Shore of O’ahu in midwinter. The waves are super mellow, and the crowds are very friendly. Now I feel like a dick because I’m being totally sarcastic and you may not realize it. You’ll read this and be like, “Okay, the North Shore it is!” You’ll save up and fly there just like Rick Kane did and get your ass handed to you during your first session. For real-summer in Southern California is a good place to learn, or Teahupoo in Tahiti. THE CAMPY ENGLISHMAN

I want to go camping in California. Please help a distressed Englishman! I’ve been looking on the Internet for campsites around California-by this I don’t mean RV grounds with swimming pools and shit. What I want are cheap, say ten dollars per night campsites for tent camping. Do such facilities exist in California? All the places I’ve seen are all like 30 dollars per night-for a tent! I’ll be going to the San Diego/ Huntington Beach/Santa Cruz area of California. Can anyone help? Will anybody read this letter and answer it?

Tom Pope Birmingham, England

Tom,

As far as camping goes in California, it’s perfectly legal to just throw your tent up on the side of the road. In America, we call this being a “transient.” Transients are jolly wanderers who frolic from place to place, putting smiles on the faces of residents and police alike. Everybody likes the influence of a transient in the local park, their backyards, or simply on the side of the road-these people make camping fun for everyone. When you come to California, hitchhike to a suburb and pitch your tent, build a fire, and cook some beans-or in your case, maybe just drink some Guiness Special Brew to get that feeling of being home. Good luck, have fun, and keep on camping.

KELLY’S BACK AND I LOVE IT!

I just recently read on a Web site that Kelly Slater is coming back to the ASP world tour. As a fan of surfing, this is the best news I’ve ever heard! Kelly is still by far the best surfer in the world, and to have him competing against Parko, the Hobgoods, Andy Irons, and all the new crew is going to be just plain awesome. I think that Kelly returning will do a great service to pro surfing by giving the fans (like myself) something new and exciting to look forward to. I’ll never forget watching Kelly at the U.S. Open. It was crazy to see him surf in real life-he’s faster and more stylish than I could’ve ever imagined. To Kelly: Thank you for coming back! Good luck, and show those kids how it’s really done!Rich ChildsSeal Beach, CaliforniaRich,

You’re so right! Kelly’s definitely gonna step up the competition on the world tour this year. It’s a lot like the return of one of the world’s best all-time professional volleyball players-Sinjin Smith. Yes, it’s true-Sinjin’s coming out of retireme to play the 2002 World Beach Volleyball Tour. He’s been retired for about ten years, but he’s been working out, playing loads of beach ball, and keeps gaining inches on that amazing vertical leap of his. Be on the look out for Sinjin on a beach near you in 2002. He’s the guy in the neon-orange Sideout drawstring shorts, the upside-down flipped-up sun visor, and the reflective wraparound shades. He’ll be the guy spiking the ball in your face! Go, Kelly!

STONEY SURF POETRY

I awoke to the sound of a pulsating swell slamming onto a dry reef.
My sleeping bag was wet with morning dew.
Our sandy campsite shook with each new set.
I hustled into my suit, still wet from the day before.
I shivered in the morning Mexican air-half cold, half stoke.
My board was icy, and the wax was hard.
As I stepped onto the freezing sand, my toes started to go numb.
The water washed up onto my feet-they seemed to come alive and repel the frosty feeling of numbness.
I splashed onto my belly, and paddled hard while the ocean sat still.
I made it outside with dry hair, and a chilled face.
On the horizon, a set loomed like a bomber.
I stroked out, and looked for my spot.
The left jacked into a corner, and I scampered onto the face.
I sprang to my feet-shaky, but solid.
The wave pitched, and I ducked like a dancer.
Swoosh! The sound of a crystal cavern sucked at my face.
Spit! I shot out like a rocket.
I glanced at the beach, and noticed my friends watching.
I raised my hands in celebration, and straightened out toward the beach-hair still dry.
One wave, and I was done.
I sat in a beach chair for the rest of the day laughing.
I love Mexico.
Dave Hoskins San Diego, CaliforniaDave,

Wow! Man, I’m speechless. Last time I was in Mexico, I got strip-searched by three federales. They pulled us over near the border and ordered us to strip down. I was scared for my life, but I was able to reflect and write a poem about the experience:

Pants down below the waist.
Rough search is taking place.
No drugs, no guns-just a bitter taste.
What did I do to deserve this treatment?
My pants are now on the cold cement.
“I have nothing to declare,” I say with a stutter.
Oh, no! Here come the gloves and clear butter.

RHODE TO NOWHERE

I’m writing to tell you guys that I loved the last cover of your mag-it rocked! Was that shot computer-enhanced or what? If your graphic designer didn’t do it, then how did the color get so tweaked? Anyway, I’m from the East Coast (Rhode Island), so I was stoked you included some of the dudes who rip from out here. Although, I was sorta bummed that you didn’t have any shots from around here-it gets really good in the winter when we have storm swells. Maybe you could include some Rhode Island shots next time around when you guys do another story on the East Coast.Jerry TylerNewport, Rhode IslandJerry,

We’ll make sure to get some photographers over there to shoot all your spots. Can we stay at your house with our crew of ten guys? We’ve got a bunch of amped-up West Coast spazz cadets ready to come rip all over your island. We only have two photographers and two video guys right now, so should we round up some more dudes to capture the action, or do you think ten people is enough? Also, can you show us your secret spots? We’ll only run one full-page map of the area, so you don’t have to worry about too many bros invading your spot. Thanks, man. See you in a few weeks!

NO REALLY, COME TO RHODE ISLAND!My friend Jerry Tyler just e-mailed me and told me I should write you guys about the East Coast issue. I thought it was definitely the coolest one, since you guys in Cali always seem to forget us Right Coasters. There’re tons of rippers around here-especially in the Northeast. There’re guys who are making an impact on the world scene, like Luke Ditella, Dean Randazzo, and Ryan Kimmel, just to name a few. But what really is pissing me off about you guys is the fact you make fun of Newps so much. You can make fun of all those glam-rock dudes on the West Coast, but out here in Newport, Rhode Island-we take that shit seriously. I know Newport Beach gets good south swells and has guys like Josh Hoyer and Dave Post, but here on Rhode Island, we get better south swells and have guys like Stevie Macker and Colin Cortado. So the next time you guys write anything about Newps, make sure to think about us. Maybe someday you’ll even do something about the real Newps.

Fausto Libenzo Newport, Rhode Island Yo, Fausto!

Right on! Having another place for us to stay in Rhode Island will be cool, because we’ve got about twelve more bros from Orange County who want to come, too. That’s a total of about 22 people-not including my friends’ six pit bulls. What size boards should we bring? Should we bring our chicks, or do you guys have some there for us? Are there any good tattoo places over there? My bro needs to get the barbed wire around his bicep filled in-it’s seriously one of the sickest tats I’ve ever seen.

TOO YOUNG TO FALL IN LOVE

Hey, my name is Krisha. I love your mag. Me and my friends read it all the time. Anyway, I will get to the point, my big cuz is the girlfriend of Timmy Reyes. I wish I would have a boyfriend, but I am only ten years old. My little cuz, who is nine, is a skateboarder, so is my twelve year old sis. I like skaters and surfers. I don’t know what I like more. KrishaChico, CA

Hi there, Krisha,

I’ll start by saying that ten years old is too young to start thinking about boys. I have a little sister who’s thirteen, and I told her she can’t date or even talk to boys until she’s 25. I will enforce this with an iron fist and smash any male who attempts to break this rule. (Hi, Cheyenne, I love you). Anyway, Krisha, I also have the problem with who I like more, skaters or surfers. I think right now I like skaters more, they are cool.

Slippery Sea Snakes

I’m writing to you on this sunny day to bitch and complain about something you hear about all the time I’m sure, longboarders. Yes, today I fell victim to those water snakes. I went on dawn patrol with my friend Mike just north of Cardiff. My friend and I paddled out to wait for our first set of the day. A couple of snakes were out there, but I wasn’t stressing it. After a minute or two, the checkered flag was dropped and the waves started rolling. As I was going for my first wave, I got bitten. One of those water snakes cut me off and took my wave. What a f-king wanker! This continued wave after wave, set after set. Before I knew it the four old fat water snakes had multiplied into about twenty. The saddest part was there were even baby snakes. This one kid couldn’t have been older than twelve and he was even snaking waves and cutting people off, including me, twice. AAAHHHHH! What a f-ked up session. Here is a bit of advice for you kooky snakes out there: 1. Only one person is allowed on a wave, not four. 2. If you’re one of those snakes who isn’t good at riding one of those big floating logs called longboards, wear a leash. I shouldn’t have to worry about you losing your log in the break, it shooting in the air and it almost hitting me or someone else. 3. If you’re not going to play by the ocean’s rules, don’t go out, because snaking isn’t cool. Oh yeah, these rules apply to body boarders also. Thank you for reading my letter. I’ve also written a poem about my experience today. Water Snakes
I paddle out to sea for my very first set
The water is very cold and wet
I wait around for a wave
before you know it the snakes have some to play.
I take a wave for a ride
Some things seen from the cornsing me off about you guys is the fact you make fun of Newps so much. You can make fun of all those glam-rock dudes on the West Coast, but out here in Newport, Rhode Island-we take that shit seriously. I know Newport Beach gets good south swells and has guys like Josh Hoyer and Dave Post, but here on Rhode Island, we get better south swells and have guys like Stevie Macker and Colin Cortado. So the next time you guys write anything about Newps, make sure to think about us. Maybe someday you’ll even do something about the real Newps.

Fausto Libenzo Newport, Rhode Island Yo, Fausto!

Right on! Having another place for us to stay in Rhode Island will be cool, because we’ve got about twelve more bros from Orange County who want to come, too. That’s a total of about 22 people-not including my friends’ six pit bulls. What size boards should we bring? Should we bring our chicks, or do you guys have some there for us? Are there any good tattoo places over there? My bro needs to get the barbed wire around his bicep filled in-it’s seriously one of the sickest tats I’ve ever seen.

TOO YOUNG TO FALL IN LOVE

Hey, my name is Krisha. I love your mag. Me and my friends read it all the time. Anyway, I will get to the point, my big cuz is the girlfriend of Timmy Reyes. I wish I would have a boyfriend, but I am only ten years old. My little cuz, who is nine, is a skateboarder, so is my twelve year old sis. I like skaters and surfers. I don’t know what I like more. KrishaChico, CA

Hi there, Krisha,

I’ll start by saying that ten years old is too young to start thinking about boys. I have a little sister who’s thirteen, and I told her she can’t date or even talk to boys until she’s 25. I will enforce this with an iron fist and smash any male who attempts to break this rule. (Hi, Cheyenne, I love you). Anyway, Krisha, I also have the problem with who I like more, skaters or surfers. I think right now I like skaters more, they are cool.

Slippery Sea Snakes

I’m writing to you on this sunny day to bitch and complain about something you hear about all the time I’m sure, longboarders. Yes, today I fell victim to those water snakes. I went on dawn patrol with my friend Mike just north of Cardiff. My friend and I paddled out to wait for our first set of the day. A couple of snakes were out there, but I wasn’t stressing it. After a minute or two, the checkered flag was dropped and the waves started rolling. As I was going for my first wave, I got bitten. One of those water snakes cut me off and took my wave. What a f-king wanker! This continued wave after wave, set after set. Before I knew it the four old fat water snakes had multiplied into about twenty. The saddest part was there were even baby snakes. This one kid couldn’t have been older than twelve and he was even snaking waves and cutting people off, including me, twice. AAAHHHHH! What a f-ked up session. Here is a bit of advice for you kooky snakes out there: 1. Only one person is allowed on a wave, not four. 2. If you’re one of those snakes who isn’t good at riding one of those big floating logs called longboards, wear a leash. I shouldn’t have to worry about you losing your log in the break, it shooting in the air and it almost hitting me or someone else. 3. If you’re not going to play by the ocean’s rules, don’t go out, because snaking isn’t cool. Oh yeah, these rules apply to body boarders also. Thank you for reading my letter. I’ve also written a poem about my experience today. Water Snakes
I paddle out to sea for my very first set
The water is very cold and wet
I wait around for a wave
before you know it the snakes have some to play.
I take a wave for a ride
Some things seen from the corner of my eye.
I must exit soon,
or get hit by a looney tune.
Inside the rage I must hide,
only because I’m too nice and kind.

Thanks, Ryan WingoDearest Ryan,

We must be kind to all of nature’s creatures. One way to be kind to these “water snakes,” as you call them, is to bite back. If one of those slippery water geese gooses you, goose them right back. As they drop in on you, take your pointer finger, not the middle one, and simply goose the bun regions of the snake. If they are facing you, a simple poke to the pee-pee will do just fine. As for the poetry, please file future installments in the small white bin filled with water found in the bathroom.

JOHN DIMOND, AGE SIXTEEN

Hi, my name is John Dimond. I have some surf slang that I’d like to present to you. It’s called-Credit-Carded.credit card: After bailing a wave, while getting tossed around, your board slides through or against your ass like a credit card being slid through a machine. Sample: “I can’t sit down after getting credit-carded on that last wave!”Thank you very much!John DimondAge 16Huntington Beach, CA

P.S. Is there anyway you can send me more issues. I don’t have any more order forms. Bodyboarders rule!!!

John,Getting credit-carded by a soft Boogie Board doesn’t hurt dipshit. Good slang although it was disregarded by that last comment. Here’s a list of body boarders that do rule: Paul Roach, Raffi Meyer, Manny Vargas, Nelz, Jordan Hetrick, and the 1980’s seaside pirates. John, you are banned.

Gay is Good

Bullriding in the U.S. is so much more sophisticated than in Mexico. They take a “flanking strap” with a nail, tack, barbed wire, or other sharp metal object, place it under the strap, wrap it around the areas of the bulls’ genitals and intestines, and cinch it tight. Then they apply what is known in the trade as the “hot shot” to the bulls’ rectum with an electric prod right before they open the chute. That might help all you rodeo fans out there answer that universal question: Why them bull’s are so damn ornery? I think we should have a man-riding contest, (not that kind, I already won one of those), for someone into S&M it could be quite enjoyable.Gay GavinCardiff, CA.

Dear Gay,

You are very right. If I had a tack strip strapped to my balls and my jimmy, I’d be onery, too. Bulls are majestic creatures who deserve the same respect from humans as we give to cows, horses, and chickens. They should only be reserved for eating and putting on display at carnivals. As far as the prod in the butt with electric rod, where can I sign up?corner of my eye.
I must exit soon,
or get hit by a looney tune.
Inside the rage I must hide,
only because I’m too nice and kind.

Thanks, Ryan WingoDearest Ryan,

We must be kind to all of nature’s creatures. One way to be kind to these “water snakes,” as you call them, is to bite back. If one of those slippery water geese gooses you, goose them right back. As they drop in on you, take your pointer finger, not the middle one, and simply goose the bun regions of the snake. If they are facing you, a simple poke to the pee-pee will do just fine. As for the poetry, please file future installments in the small white bin filled with water found in the bathroom.

JOHN DIMOND, AGE SIXTEEN

Hi, my name is John Dimond. I have some surf slang that I’d like to present to you. It’s called-Credit-Carded.credit card: After bailing a wave, while getting tossed around, your board slides through or against your ass like a credit card being slid through a machine. Sample: “I can’t sit down after getting credit-carded on that last wave!”Thank you very much!John DimondAge 16Huntington Beach, CA

P.S. Is there anyway you can send me more issues. I don’t have any more order forms. Bodyboarders rule!!!

John,Getting credit-carded by a soft Boogie Board doesn’t hurt dipshit. Good slanng although it was disregarded by that last comment. Here’s a list of body boarders that do rule: Paul Roach, Raffi Meyer, Manny Vargas, Nelz, Jordan Hetrick, and the 1980’s seaside pirates. John, you are banned.

Gay is Good

Bullriding in the U.S. is so much more sophisticated than in Mexico. They take a “flanking strap” with a nail, tack, barbed wire, or other sharp metal object, place it under the strap, wrap it around the areas of the bulls’ genitals and intestines, and cinch it tight. Then they apply what is known in the trade as the “hot shot” to the bulls’ rectum with an electric prod right before they open the chute. That might help all you rodeo fans out there answer that universal question: Why them bull’s are so damn ornery? I think we should have a man-riding contest, (not that kind, I already won one of those), for someone into S&M it could be quite enjoyable.Gay GavinCardiff, CA.

Dear Gay,

You are very right. If I had a tack strip strapped to my balls and my jimmy, I’d be onery, too. Bulls are majestic creatures who deserve the same respect from humans as we give to cows, horses, and chickens. They should only be reserved for eating and putting on display at carnivals. As far as the prod in the butt with electric rod, where can I sign up?