Letters 4-4

My name is Baron Von Dildgedifner. I am zee world’s best photographer. In my hometown of Hamburg, Germany I am known to all as “zee only artist with zee balls to take zee pictures zat matter.” Zat’s what zee people think of my brilliance. I am brilliant, my work is brilliant, my life is brilliant, and you, my public, are idiots. You can’t see zee forest for zee trees, and zis makes you stupid. I, Baron Von Dilgedifner, will make you shit when you realize how good zeez photos are. Keep reading, you sorry shits. Zee Shit Has Hit Zee Fan

I spent a couple of months in Indonesia this last summer. I was there on September 11, which was very strange. We were sitting on a hill, waiting for the tide to change and watching beautiful head-high waves breaking while thousands of people were dying in New York. It was hard to believe.

The next few days were crazy. Some flights were diverted back to Bali, some to Guam or Thailand. The whole Australian airline system collapsed and a thousand Australians were stranded. The reason I am writing this is because a week later, we chartered a boat. When we anchored up, there were always Indonesians around, all Muslim. They came by in their little sampan boats and just stared at us. They checked out everything we had like Walkmans, cameras, and clothes. They watched us eat and must have thought that we were millionaires. We felt like sitting ducks, but maybe we were just paranoid. I don’t know, but I tell my friends that there are a lot of other places to surf in the world.
Randy Dale
Arroyo Grande, CaliforniaZis reminds me of zee time I was shooting zee naked tribal women and men of Drakmar. Zis vampire society had never been shown to zee public. Zee tribe’s men had elongated penises, about three feet long with dangling jewelry hanging from zee end. Zee women had breasts zat hung almost to zee floor, covered in tattoos. After shooting a few frames, zee tribe turned on me and tried to suck zee blood from my rectal area. I had to fight zem off with my flash bulbs.

What Is Zee Tour?

I heard Kelly Slater is going to be on the tour again. I only started surfing a year or so ago, and I don’t really understand what “the tour” means. My friend Brady says there’s more than one tour, but I told him I think there’s only one. Can you explain all that to me? Thanks, you guys rule.
Billy Thibault,
Hilton Head, South CarolinaI was once commissioned to shoot photographs of zee women’s German Olympic swim team. It was much scarier zan zee vampire tribe. Zey had large muscles and oddly placed patches of hair. Zer bathing suits were bulging to zee point of disaster. I only got through two rolls of film before zee fear overcame me and I had to run away screaming.

One Man’s Opinion

Why do you guys like Ozzie Wright so f-king much? That guy sucks! I bought that new Volcom movie 156 Tricks, and I felt like I got fully ripped off! The dude can barely surf. In a couple scenes it looked like he could hardly even do a cutback. I’ve liked your magazine in the past, but for god’s sake, stop running Ozzie photos! Please!
Michael Jamison,
San Clemente, California

Zer is a man in my home country called Ozzie Borgdesh. He lives in a cave up on Shitzlick Mountain. He eats only rats and zee occasional goat, yet he is over 400 pounds and over seven feet tall. I saw him strangle a man for trying to steal his cattle. He broke his head clean off his body. It was horrible, but at zee same time pleasing to my evil dark side.

Old Dog With Zee New Tricks

I entered my first surf contest last weekend, and it may not seem like much, other than the fact that I’m 32 years old. It was just a small shop contest here in Miami Beach, Florida, but for a guy like me, it was an amazing day. I was born with one leg longer than the other, so surfing has always been an incredible challenge. I used to kneeboard, but it never quite gave me the fulfillment of standing up and cruising down the line.

Anyway, bacck to the contest. I didn’t win, I got fifth in the masters’ division. The good news is that I made the final, got a trophy, and even won a T-shirt and some trunks. I really have no reason for writing this letter other than to say thanks for making a rad magazine that gets me amped. To all the people reading this, get out there and surf, it’s the best thing in the world!
Brett Sampson,
Miami Beach, FloridaZis is a very pleasing story. Forgive me as I weep. I have a photo of two horses having intercourse on zee roof of an old barn. I’d show it to you, but it’s locked away in the attic next to an eight-by-ten of Vladimir Tophstolsky holding a full-size lemur by its nuts.

What Are You Referencing?

I’ve been reading TransWorld SURF now for about two years. I love your magazine’s style, and I laugh my ass off every month when the new issue comes out. I had a question, though. It seems like there are a lot of pot references in the magazine. I don’t smoke weed, but I was wondering if you guys do. Not that there’s anything wrong with it-it just seems like you guys talk like stoners or something. I think it’s funny, especially if you’re fully joking like I think you are. Great mag, it’s so “irie.”Matt Reynolds, Seaside, OregonI have had zee pleasure of shooting portraits of such notable German reggae acts as Adolf Friesen And Zee Wailers, Jah-hieffen-toke, and High Times In Stuttgart. Zey have never mentioned anything to me about zee weed. I have no idea what you are talking about.

We Hate Jake

This is a letter about a guy named Jake who surfs the north side of Huntington Pier every f-king day. My complaint with this guy is that he is a big, selfish, wave-hog, piece of shit who ruins every session I’ve ever had out there. The guy is a nuisance, and there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s got brown hair, is about six feet tall and thick, and is a total asshole. The guy is always screaming at someone, snaking kids, and even slapping people. I saw him slap this older egg-boarder guy for no reason. So my question for TransWorld SURF is, what can we do together to ruin this guy? Can we run a photo of him and Photoshop his head having sex with a donkey? Or can we just wreck him somehow? All my friends and I hate Jake, and so does everyone else who surfs here. What should we do?
Mike B.
via e-mailOne zing you can do to destroy your enemy is spy on him and take pictures of him at his weakest moment. One time I was hired to ruin zee reputation of Boris Von Sphincter. I followed him for a week, until I caught him in mid ass-wipe screaming in pain as he ruptured a terrible hemorrhoid. It made zee morning paper zee next day.