Letters 4.3

Big BusinessSurf magazines are big business. By answering this letter section, I, the editor, have made The TransWorld SURF corporation 352,987 dollars in untaxable, untraceable, offshore bonds spendable in various foreign markets. Each word has become worth over 400 dollars, and each paragraph is grossing roughly 50,000 dollars. This, my friends, is big business. Each letter on these pages has been contracted and negotiated from an actual TransWorld SURF reader. Forms have been filled out and handshakes have been shook. Welcome to the world of commerce.

I am always hearing about trade shows. I have been a huge fan of surfing and especially surfers for years now. Anyway, I heard that at these trade shows there are always tons of pros and they sign autographs, and there’re, like, models walking around and stuff. When are they, and how can I go? I live in North Carolina, but I’m willing to drive or whatever. Oh yeah! I also want to say that Eric Taylor is the hottest hottie ever! Eric, if you see this, I love you, baby!Courtney MannOuter Banks, North CarolinaThanks for the question, Courtney. Surf-industry trade shows are very interesting venues indeed. Trade shows are a place where companies come together in one large arena in order to make it easy for buyers to view products, meet teamriders, ogle models, and inevitably purchase product. The trade show in your area is called Surf Expo. It is a weekend-long episode of lifestyles of the young and virile. There’re models strutting, pro surfers following, and industry workers bridging the gap between buyer and seller. The long prosperous workdays usually spill over into long nights of handshakes, hugs, and toasts. Thank yous and you’re welcomes are thrown around like shakas at a luau. Contact the Surf Expo people up in Orlando, Florida for more information. Jamaica, Mon!Hey dudes, I’m a surfer from Kingston, Jamaica, and I just picked up a copy of your latest issue. I really like the photos and the stories were funny as well. I was wondering if you guys had any plans to ever come to Jamaica for a trip or just to check us out. There’re great waves here and the surfers are getting better and better each day. As you may know, we also have beautiful women, the best music in the world, and the greatest hemp products ever, if you know what I mean. Many people come to Jamaica for the beaches and in my opinion, you should. too. Anyway, thanks for making a great magazine, hope to see you in Jamaica soon.Peter MitchellKingston, JamaicaThis letter was written on 100-percent hemp paper. The paper weighed approximately two grams making the street value of the paper about 40 bucks. If you got the paper a little bit damp before selling it directly to a paper-seeking consumer, it would weigh approximately 3.5 grams making the selling price 75 U.S. dollars. This is shady business ethics, and in some corporate circles you’d be blackballed. In Jamaica, you may be dumped into Dreadlock Prison, a high-security tenement yard where you may be rolled up into a giant carpet and have your feet lit on fire.

Red, White, Blue, And Irritating.A champagne toast accompanied by a twelve-guage shotgun salute should be given to Chris “Gally” Gallagher of team O’Neill, in Santa Cruz, California for the firm stance he has personally taken to motivate our red, white, and blue-blooded surf riders of the U.S. of A. to take command! The throne must be reclaimed into the mighty arms of our dearly beloved home of the brave. The bull must be grabbed by the horns, or in this case, “Yank down the pants of a kangaroo.” How dare those funny-talking, meat-pie-eating blokes call us wankers in the first place? Blessed are we, the people, for General Kelly Slater has reenlisted on the frontlines of competitive combat. American DNA is surely carving its way to the top in 2002. Bring forth the glory.Jack GreenslyHawai’i, U.S.A. The international business market is a tricky onto corner. On one hand you want to please the domestic market, but on the other hand you’d like to appease the foreign market as well. Here’s some sound advice for you Jack, “It doesn’t pay to be a dick.” That is a direct quote from Gerald Ford. Australians are our friends, and they deserve the same respect you give to Americans. If it weren’t for Australian exports our zoos would be devoid of koalas and our stomachs would be empty without Vegemite. Patriotism is one thing, insults are another. Jack, please put your flag down, sing a song by Men At Work, watch a Mel Gibson movie, and relax.

Is This Guy For Real?Dear Mimi, I’m not sure if you’re still an intern at TransWorld, but if you are, here’s a problem I need help with. My name is Mario Morgan, and I live in Fullerton, near Huntington Beach. I really enjoy running and surfing every day. The beach is a great place to meet beautiful women like yourself. I’m writing because I have a huge question to ask you about women. I really enjoy hanging out with women, but every time I see a hot girl I fall in love with her. I don’t know what to do. I usually go up to the girl and talk to her, half the time she’ll give me her number, and we’ll end up hanging out, but I’ll just fall in love at first sight. I’m not trying to sound like a gimp, but what can I say, I love girls! Please help me with this problem. Your biggest fan,Mario MorganP.S. I think I’m in love with you! See what happens to me?

Sorry Mario, but a business-minded answer to this letter just wouldn’t work. You actually sent this letter into a surf magazine? It’s such an amazing letter for many reasons. I love the feeble attempt at flattery and then the angle at sounding like a player was great. I wish we got more letters like this because it’s so heinous on so many different levels, it stands alone as a great piece of literature. I hope this letter is a joke, it sounds like one, but at the same time it has a hint of seriousness that is just plain sketchy. Mario, I love you, see what you did to me by writing this letter? Please write another one soon.

Fan Of FreddyYour article about Fred Jr., or Freddy as you call him, is just wonderful. Of course, I am a little prejudiced since I am “Freddy”s” grandfather!Fred Jr. is a hard worker in his surfing activities, and I give him all the credit in the world for trying to be the best. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my thoughts. Bill Patacchia O’ahu, Hawai’iIn business it’s a great idea to get letters of recommendation from influential individuals. In this case the letter of praise is from Grandpa Bill. In all seriousness, it’s really cool he wrote this letter. Grandparents are the best because they never forget your birthday, they always have treats for you when they come over, and they can help you talk your parents into things that you otherwise wouldn’t be able to do on your own. Thanks, Bill, your letter is very appreciated.

Swollen So dudes, what do you think about swell.com trying to make money on a service that most Web sites will give you for free? To take advantage of those people who actually have to travel 30 minutes to one hour just to get to the beach. Phooey on them. To think I was actually gonna buy stuff from their catalog. I don’t think they should swell their egos just to swell their wallets.Tony (Waveslave) Bottero NYC

You’re very right, Waveslave. By charging for surf reports Swell has alienated many customers from using its surf-check system to it’s advantage. Business-wise it wasn’t a good idea because on any search engine you can find free, up-to-date weather and surf reports. They do offer great information, but there’re tons of local sites that can offer just as good if not better information. They did have the monopoly on the wave cams, but that has been solved by private sites that take the time to go to each spot and shoot photos or video, maybe not up-to-the-minute reports, but good enough.

Perky Pirates Versus The Butt Flinger PosseButt Flingers beware. Your hour has come, your time is up, and we will no longer take it. The downfall of the Huntington Beach Butt Flinger Posse is now! We, the new crew of the Perky Pirates, are here to conquer the cute guys and hot men of Orange County. Our crew of well-endowed pro hos is coming to a beach near you, so be on the lookout. You’ll know us by matching red miniskirt and pink tube-top ensemble rocked by every girl in the crew. Butt Flingers, you’re done.The Perky PiratesHuntington Beach California

Wow! An epic battle for female supremacy of the beach. The TransWorld SURF corporation does not condone butt-flinging nor do we disregard it as a valid part of the intricate business dynamic that makes Orange County the butt-flinging hub it is. The butt-fling industry has been very successful and has had no real competition until now. With the public announcement of The Perky Pirates’ business plan, the Butt Flingers better be ready to use cutthroat tactics in order to thrive, or maybe they should use butt-throat tactics.rky Pirates Versus The Butt Flinger PosseButt Flingers beware. Your hour has come, your time is up, and we will no longer take it. The downfall of the Huntington Beach Butt Flinger Posse is now! We, the new crew of the Perky Pirates, are here to conquer the cute guys and hot men of Orange County. Our crew of well-endowed pro hos is coming to a beach near you, so be on the lookout. You’ll know us by matching red miniskirt and pink tube-top ensemble rocked by every girl in the crew. Butt Flingers, you’re done.The Perky PiratesHuntington Beach California

Wow! An epic battle for female supremacy of the beach. The TransWorld SURF corporation does not condone butt-flinging nor do we disregard it as a valid part of the intricate business dynamic that makes Orange County the butt-flinging hub it is. The butt-fling industry has been very successful and has had no real competition until now. With the public announcement of The Perky Pirates’ business plan, the Butt Flingers better be ready to use cutthroat tactics in order to thrive, or maybe they should use butt-throat tactics.