Letters – 4.7

Letters

What You Wanted To Say

Whether it’s an e-mail, an IM, a birthday card, a school paper, an advertisement, or a personal letter, we seldom say what we’re really thinking. Pressure to be politically and societally correct forces us to candy-coat our thoughts, especially when writing them down. This month we’ve decided to help all you repressed readers out by printing your original letters and e-mails and then translating them from what you actually wrote to what you really wanted to say.You’re welcome.-TW SURF Staff

What John Wrote:The other day I got a copy of your magazine in the mail, but I never subscribed to your mag. I don’t even surf. I live in Denver! How could I surf here? I do subscribe to TransWorld SKATEboarding, though, so maybe you guys made a mistake. If you did, please make sure I keep getting the skate mag instead of the surf.John RhodesDenver, Colorado

What John Wanted To Write:Just because I aggressive in-line skate doesn’t mean everyone can keep treating me like their bitch! Aggressive in-line is an important sport and a fulfilling lifestyle, and if espn2 can recognize that fact, why can’t everyone else? John RhodesDenver, Colorado

What Adam Wrote:I really liked your photo issue (June 2002), the cover was sick, but I have a bone to pick with you guys. Why did you guys run a photo of Joel Tudor? Isn’t he a longboarder? My dad longboards, and he gets longboarding magazines, and he says Joel Tudor is this famous longboarder guy. So are you guys becoming a longboarding magazine? Sorry to be lame like that, but you have me worried.Adam VernoitMission Viejo, California

What Adam Wanted To Write:I really hate my f-kin’ dad! Do you know what it’s like to have an old, crusty longboarder in your family? I don’t have a car yet, so every time I want to surf, my f-kin’ dad goes, “Well, I’ll go surfing with you,” and we have to ride down to the f-kin’ beach in his lame-ass restored Woody that I think he cares more about than mom. We always argue about where to go-he wants Doheny, I want Salt Creek. The whole way to the beach he talks about how longboarders are the true soul of surfing, and how airs are the most vile, degrading thing that’s ever happened to his beloved sport. Then he sits way outside and catches all my waves.Even though you guys ran a photo of Joel not riding a longboard, I’m worried you guys are going to start running tons of photos my dad will like. Surfer magazine runs all kinds of longboard photos now, so I had to stop reading it. Please don’t follow suit.Adam VernoitMission Viejo, California

What Daniel Wrote:I am Daniel Rios from Venezuela. I am in a small town in Mississippi learning English. I have been here since last May, and I miss surfing in Venezuela. I bought TransWorld SURF magazine two days ago, and I think it is a good magazine. Thank you.Daniel RiosThe real surfer.Hattiesburg, Mississippi

What Daniel Wanted To Write:When I get back to Venezuela, I’m gonna kick my guidance counselor’s ass. “Oh, Mississippi is very beautiful,” she told me. “It’s right on the coast, so a surfer like you will love it.” That lying slut tricked me into wasting a year of my life in this hellhole you call a state. I’m currently reading the charter of the United Nations War Crimes Tribunal to see if making me live in Mississippi somehow violates my rights as a human. By the way, your magazine isn’t very good, but I like the fact that I seem to know English better than your entire staff.Daniel RiosThe really pissed foreigner.Hell

What Judy Wrote:My son subscribes to your magazine, and he is really interested in knowing how to go about getting sponsored and one day possibly turning surfing into his career. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.Judy BlumVirginia Beach, Virginia

What Judy Wanted To Write:My son is 50 times as special as any of those talentless, ugly brats you run in your magazine every month. My son is twelve, and he really should already be earning a paychheck for his surfing. If this isn’t possible, his father and I need to hurry up and get him into acting.Judy BlumVirginia Beach, Virginia

What herbalenhancement.com Wrote:Are you as big as you’d like to be? Does the woman in your life deserve all you have to give? If you answered no to either of these, you may want to click on the link below to learn more about the safe and effective way to add inches to your penis.

What herbalenhancement.com Meant To Write:We understand that most people in the world are insecure about their physical attributes, and we’ve learned that if we scare them into thinking their shortcomings (pardon the pun) will cause them massive embarrassment and personal loss, they will be willing to send us money to stop from being stricken down by a society of men with foot-and-a-half-long penises and skinny women with giant breasts.