Mail Bomb with Dick Hertz

This month’s Mail Bomb is answered by Dick Hertz, the all-time winningest quarterback to ever play arena football. Dick played his entire career for the Milwaukee Donkeypunchers, scored over 30 touchdowns, and received over 50 concussions in his five-year career. Dick invented many genius plays including the “Flying Squirrel,” the “Limp Wrist Two-Hand Toucher,” the “Grab-Bag Triple Swirl,” and the devastating “Sack Tap Helmet-Pelt.” Dick is a big-time legend¿here he breaks his media silence to answer your letters …

SHIT OUTTA LUCK

First off, TransWorld SURF is the best surf magazine I’ve ever subscribed to. I read each one from cover to cover and I love it. So far my summer has been pretty shitty. It all started when I got the latest issue of TransWorld SURF in the mail. The next day I had to get dropped off at work an hour before my shift, so I took along my new mag to read. About an hour and a half into my shift I took a break, and some dirty hippie ganked my new mag. I was so pissed! Then for the next week we had some really shitty surf. The week before, I sprained my wrist and the doctor said no surfing for three weeks! I said, “Screw that!” but my dad locked up my surfboard. So last Saturday my best friend and I drove to Cardiff reef (my friend had an extra board). So I get home and my dad says, “You’re in trouble.” Then I ask, “Why?”He says, “Your report card came … you failed U.S. History.” So now I can’t surf for two more weeks, because I got my license taken away ’til I pass the class in the end of July. My new issue got jacked, and I have to get up every morning at 6:00 a.m. to do yard work!So if you could please send me another copy of the Arch Angel issue (I think that’s what it was), I would greatly appreciate it.

Adam “Dome” PontslerKookville, California

Adam,I’ll never forget my first game in the Professional Arena Football League¿I’d just been drafted to the Tennessee Wildcocks. I was so nervous until Coach Ghassole came up from behind me and slapped my butt. He whispered in my ear, “You’re a champ, and I believe in you!” I got a burst of energy I’ve never felt before. His strong hand slapped my buttocks again, and he screamed at me, “Go get ’em, cowboy!”I threw for 35 yards that game, and afterward I cried on my coach’s shoulder¿”I love you, Coach Hugh Ghassole! You’re the greatest coach ever!”

VELVET WALLS OF PRISON

My bro recently received the July 2000 issue, and next to Reef chick Malissa, Occhilupo, Mimi, and “Pimpology” taught by Jason Collins, you featured a Reef sandal (velvet) on page 71 next to P.T. and Dean’s conversation on the Three To The Beach page. Due to my incarceration, I’m denied a computer to contact the triple-w dotcoms. I’m glad to see the authorities fear, and I realized “Water Creates Wisdom.” I’m asking for the address to receive a catalog that would carry these particular shoes. For those who are blind, these are an essential part of life. Thanks for your time, and I hope you can help. One love!P.S. Mos Def is the hottest thing going.

David Barger #257442Des Moines, Iowa Iowa Correctional Facility

Hey Dave,In the 1997 championship game against the Mississippi Mudballs, I severely tore my Achilles tendon in the first quarter. I was squaring off against a defensive lineman by the name of Jebedia Papsmear¿he smashed me all over the Astroturf. After receiving two mild concussions, I sat out of the game for a few minutes. While I was on the bench, my tightend Tommy Schitt turned to me and said, “Dick, do it! Do it, Dick!” I got back into the game and squared off with Jebedia again. “You’re mine, Dick Hertz! I’m gonna call you my Dick Hertz!” he snarled as I saddled up over the ball. I screamed, “Hike!” and dropped back into the zone. I saw Jebedia coming through the center, so I raised my arm and “bam!” My third coma in two weeks.

AN ANGRY LEPRECHAUN LAYS THE SMACK DOWNYou guys n’t the smartest fruitcakes in North County … are you? The World’s Tallest Leprechaun picture was for the “Dumb T-shirt” contest, and it was not sent in by some hodad from Rhode Island (Jay Thomas). Why the hell would a guy from Rhode Island send in a picture of a guy from Hermosa Beach, California wearing a Leprechaun shirt? People in Rhode Island don’t even know where Hermosa Beach is! And besides that, the T-shirt picture you guys chose for the contest sucked ass! Clearly, the World’s Tallest Leprechaun photo should have won.The photo was sent by Jay Miller from Hermosa Beach. The envelope was addressed to the “Dumb T-shirt” contest, and worst of all, some butterknuckle from Rhode Island thinks he did something cool. Hopefully, the next time I drive south, I’ll hear a popping sound … the sound of you guys pulling your heads out of your asses! Jay Miller a.k.a. The World’s Tallest LeprechaunHermosa Beach, California

Mr. Leprechaun,After receiving fifteen concussions, I led the league in brain damage. Doctors said I should never play again, and you know what I said to them? “If I can’t play, I can’t live. Arena football is my life!” After that, I marched my team to victory in the Ohio Western Regional Championships. It was a hard-fought battle against the Delaware Destroyers.Their quarterback, Richard Spitts, was a cocky sucker¿after we turned his team into canned ham, he tried to start some trouble with me in the parking lot. He pushed me and told me he was “gonna put my head up my ass.” So I fell down on the ground and played dead. He’ll never mess with me again!

IMPORTANT SURF TIP #33Cool surf trips to Third World countries can be great. So fun! But never ignore the fact that there may be a shortage of food. So here’s something valuable to keep in mind: When you eat that luscious corn on the cob that boat-chef Gustavo has just fed you, don’t brush your teeth or floss afterward. That way, if you get hungry again later, you still have some stuck on your teeth for a late-night snack. Musing YoothRiverside, California

To the boys at Musing Yooth,In my 1998 game against the Los Angeles Foreskins, I threw for over 46 yards¿my best game ever! I was rewarded with a locker room full of my fellow teammates. They thought I was so good that I deserved to have “The” put in front of my name. By the end of the season everyone was calling me “The Dick Hertz.” I loved my new nickname so much that I got a shirt custom-made that said, “The Dick.”

QUEST FOR BALL SWEATI was reading the Mail Bomb in the August 2000 issue when I came across some comparisons that I was wondering how you knew about. I’m aware that the Internet is full of weird Web sites full of gore and bondage. I was wondering if there is a Web site that has bottles of ball sweat.In the letter Marco wrote, you said that Chex Mix leaves your breath smelling like a pro wrestler’s nuts after an hour in the steel cage. Also I was wondering about the taste of a human male’s testicles after a long day at work, as mentioned in the sweet ‘n’ salty mix letter. I was wondering if you found what they taste like yourself, or if you have a test crew you send out to taste ball sweat. My friends and I are very interested in finding a Web site that features this. I’ll probably be able to sell this to my friends because I’m the only one in my neighborhood with a computer. I have looked for links from the TransWorld SURF Web site, as well as searching for it on Altavista, but I have yet to find the site. If my friends taste ball sweat they may think I’m cool. Please help me be cool. Colt LewisJacksonville, Florida

Colt,In my last game with the Missouri Pink Bellies, I got tackled from behind by a 350-pound lineman named “Meat Chomper.” No one knows his real name, so everyone just calls him “Meat Chomper.” He hit me so hard my spine was thrown out of my chest and my bowels exploded. After a messy cleanup and two years of reconstructive surgery, I can now walk without a limp and use the toilet without pain. I’m back in the league, and my next game is in December against the Arizona Bullshits. They’re really good, but I feel very confident, and my throwing arm is as strong as ever.

PATRICK THE BUTCHERI want to say how stoked I am that TransWorld Media has come out with such a kick-ass surf magazine. You have a talented staff the young readers can relate to, and do.Well, to get to the point, I don’t get to surf often anymore because my brother broke my board during a session a couple of winters ago. Plus, I’m working 40 hours a week in the meat department of Albertson’s. So every month I check the magazine rack for your badass mag. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane during this hellish dry spell I’m in. Thanks for publishing such an awesome work of art. I don’t even remember the names of any other surf magazines out there. They are obsolete now that TransWorld SURF is here to bring in the new millennium. You’re the shit!Patrick KittelsonVista, California

Pat,In all my years in the Arena Football League, I’d have to say that 1988 was the best. It was my third season, and my team, the Milwaukee Donkeypunchers had just clinched the cheeks of the ’88 State Championships. In the last seconds of the game, our kicker, Jack MeHoff, was lining up for the game-winning field goal. On his approach to the ball, Jack MeHoff was tackled by three rabid female fans. Everybody was screaming, “Get off of him!”When the dust cleared, the question on everyone’s mind was, “Can Jack Mehoff get up?” Well, he did, and after he kicked the winning field goal, throngs of fans chanted, “Jack MeHoff! Jack MeHoff!”

PROS AND CONSI just got back from a boat trip to the Mentawai’s and I’ve got to say it’s turned into a bunch of bullshit. I worked my ass off and saved for two years to pay to fly there. I spent two weeks on a hot, small boat with no air conditioning¿and no mosquito nets. I was willing to rough it to get the best waves of my life, and I did, only every spot we pulled up to, there was ten Joe Pro surfer guys out there getting all aggressive¿surfing like they were in Huntington or something. It was the same scenario at every spot. One spot we pulled up and there was only five guys out. Little did we know that these guys were shooting photos. They vibed us and jockeyed us for two hours until they went in. We got to surf for twenty more minutes until dark. My trip was plagued with pro surfers flailing trying airs and battleing for waves in the most amazing conditions on Earth. My response to all the pros in the Mentawai’s in July: F¿k you, I hate pro surfers! And I hate surf magazines! Thanks to all you f¿kers!Rich SampsonRedondo, California

Back in my first season with the Tampa Bay RumpBumpers, I had a similar problem with the showers in the locker room. It seemed like every time I wanted to just chill and take a long shower, the seasoned vetrerans would just pile in and try to have a sponge-off party with me. All I wanted to do was get clean and enjoy my shower, but no, they’d try to pack like twenty guys in a shower stall made for four. I joined in, but I didn’t like it.

BACK IN BLACKI really like the music section in your magazine. Although I have never really gone out and bought a CD you guys review, I do feel the same about those shit-ass MTV bands that all sound the same and suck. This rap-metal phase has got to stop. I’m not saying that rock and roll shouldn’t rule the world, but Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, and Godsmack? Please, those bands suck! Give me Fugazi, Modest Mouse, or Sunny Day Real Estate any day and I’m a happy guy. Thanks for trying to open the eyes of surfers everywere.Jacob BentonJacksonville, Florida

I love to listen to AC/DC before every game. My favorite song is Thunderstruck. The part that pumps me up to kick ass i cleanup and two years of reconstructive surgery, I can now walk without a limp and use the toilet without pain. I’m back in the league, and my next game is in December against the Arizona Bullshits. They’re really good, but I feel very confident, and my throwing arm is as strong as ever.

PATRICK THE BUTCHERI want to say how stoked I am that TransWorld Media has come out with such a kick-ass surf magazine. You have a talented staff the young readers can relate to, and do.Well, to get to the point, I don’t get to surf often anymore because my brother broke my board during a session a couple of winters ago. Plus, I’m working 40 hours a week in the meat department of Albertson’s. So every month I check the magazine rack for your badass mag. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane during this hellish dry spell I’m in. Thanks for publishing such an awesome work of art. I don’t even remember the names of any other surf magazines out there. They are obsolete now that TransWorld SURF is here to bring in the new millennium. You’re the shit!Patrick KittelsonVista, California

Pat,In all my years in the Arena Football League, I’d have to say that 1988 was the best. It was my third season, and my team, the Milwaukee Donkeypunchers had just clinched the cheeks of the ’88 State Championships. In the last seconds of the game, our kicker, Jack MeHoff, was lining up for the game-winning field goal. On his approach to the ball, Jack MeHoff was tackled by three rabid female fans. Everybody was screaming, “Get off of him!”When the dust cleared, the question on everyone’s mind was, “Can Jack Mehoff get up?” Well, he did, and after he kicked the winning field goal, throngs of fans chanted, “Jack MeHoff! Jack MeHoff!”

PROS AND CONSI just got back from a boat trip to the Mentawai’s and I’ve got to say it’s turned into a bunch of bullshit. I worked my ass off and saved for two years to pay to fly there. I spent two weeks on a hot, small boat with no air conditioning¿and no mosquito nets. I was willing to rough it to get the best waves of my life, and I did, only every spot we pulled up to, there was ten Joe Pro surfer guys out there getting all aggressive¿surfing like they were in Huntington or something. It was the same scenario at every spot. One spot we pulled up and there was only five guys out. Little did we know that these guys were shooting photos. They vibed us and jockeyed us for two hours until they went in. We got to surf for twenty more minutes until dark. My trip was plagued with pro surfers flailing trying airs and battleing for waves in the most amazing conditions on Earth. My response to all the pros in the Mentawai’s in July: F¿k you, I hate pro surfers! And I hate surf magazines! Thanks to all you f¿kers!Rich SampsonRedondo, California

Back in my first season with the Tampa Bay RumpBumpers, I had a similar problem with the showers in the locker room. It seemed like every time I wanted to just chill and take a long shower, the seasoned vetrerans would just pile in and try to have a sponge-off party with me. All I wanted to do was get clean and enjoy my shower, but no, they’d try to pack like twenty guys in a shower stall made for four. I joined in, but I didn’t like it.

BACK IN BLACKI really like the music section in your magazine. Although I have never really gone out and bought a CD you guys review, I do feel the same about those shit-ass MTV bands that all sound the same and suck. This rap-metal phase has got to stop. I’m not saying that rock and roll shouldn’t rule the world, but Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, and Godsmack? Please, those bands suck! Give me Fugazi, Modest Mouse, or Sunny Day Real Estate any day and I’m a happy guy. Thanks for trying to open the eyes of surfers everywere.Jacob BentonJacksonville, Florida

I love to listen to AC/DC before every game. My favorite song is Thunderstruck. The part that pumps me up to kick ass is in the beginning when Angus Young is doing that solo and the chant comes on “Thunder, ah-huh-huh-yeah-huh-yeah, Thunder, ah-huh-huh-yeah-huh-yeah!” Every time I hear that I just want to kick some ass. I listened to that song before I won the South Carolina Division Championships against the Kentuky Shvelbies. I threw for 120 yards that game, you little bitch.

DOGGA BALZACI love the trunk review with the dogs. That was so funny and those dogs were so cute. My older brother gets the magazine and I read it sometimes. Thanks for making me laugh.Deanna JamisonHuntington Beach, California

One time in a game against the Charleston Ballhounds, their mascot, a 95-pound Pitbull, charged out onto the field and bit me in the nuts. I wasn’t wearing a cup and my ballsack got punctured¿my left nut rolled out onto the Astroturf. I kicked the living shit out of the dog and duct-taped my nut back into place. I ran a quarterback sneak to score the winning touchdown in the final seconds of the game. I’m a badass, a real badass.ss is in the beginning when Angus Young is doing that solo and the chant comes on “Thunder, ah-huh-huh-yeah-huh-yeah, Thunder, ah-huh-huh-yeah-huh-yeah!” Every time I hear that I just want to kick some ass. I listened to that song before I won the South Carolina Division Championships against the Kentuky Shvelbies. I threw for 120 yards that game, you little bitch.

DOGGA BALZACI love the trunk review with the dogs. That was so funny and those dogs were so cute. My older brother gets the magazine and I read it sometimes. Thanks for making me laugh.Deanna JamisonHuntington Beach, California

One time in a game against the Charleston Ballhounds, their mascot, a 95-pound Pitbull, charged out onto the field and bit me in the nuts. I wasn’t wearing a cup and my ballsack got punctured¿my left nut rolled out onto the Astroturf. I kicked the living shit out of the dog and duct-taped my nut back into place. I ran a quarterback sneak to score the winning touchdown in the final seconds of the game. I’m a badass, a real badass.