Mail Bomb

For this episode of the Mail Bomb drama series, I made surprise phone calls to the people who sent letters in. It was fun, I just hope no one wants to pound me after this …¿Chris Cote

Special thanks to peoplefinder.com for helping me find all their phone numbers.

hosse add: send all letters to …

YOU GOT US!

Hey, all you people at TransWorld SURF! On your September 2000 issue, you said it was Bruce Irons on the cover. It’s not! It’s his brother Andy busting a frontside bone-out air in Tahiti.Andy’s an awesome surfer, but to us girls, Bruce is cuter! Just thought you’d like to know.Mindy BennerNags Head, North Carolina

Here’s a portion of the phone call I had with Mindy:

Hello, is Mindy there?

This is Mindy.

Yeah, this is Chris calling from TransWorld SURF.

Really? Hi! How are you?

Well, I’m calling to answer your letter that said Bruce wasn’t the surfer on our last cover.

Yeah. It’s actually Andy, right?

Actually, you’re totally wrong.

Oh, really?

Yes, and I think you owe us an apology.

Oh. Well, sorry!

Yeah, you really pissed off a couple of people down here.

Really? I’m sorry. I just …

Click.

She sounded so stupid I just had to hang up on her.

REFLECTIONS FROM PAUL

I’ve been reflecting over last issue’s letters and such, and have come to the conclusion that I owe you an apology on behalf of my generation.I don’t know, I was just reading some article on those few, big-nutted individuals who started this sport. They rode wooden directional boards, pants that would get wet and hang off their asses, and they were ridiculed by everyone who wasn’t doing it. I’m afraid if my generation had to endure that challenge, they would’ve said, “Screw it,” and our sport would have ended there.My boots may let a little water in and my board ain’t the nicest, but I’m going to stop whining and have a good time. I can’t make any generation have the same views as me, but I hope they do it anyway. I want our elders to have confidence in us, not embarrassment. Let’s get back to our roots and stop having a popularity contest. Let’s remember the real reason we started surfing … fun.Thanks TransWorld for putting up with the whiny-asses so far. Maybe this letter will make you have to put up with less shit. Peace.Paul RansySt. Johns, Arizona

Hello, is Paul there?

Woman’s voice No, Paul’s not here. Can I take a message?

Can you tell him that Chris from TransWorld SURF called?

Yes, can I get your phone number?

Yeah. Can you tell him thanks for the letter?

Sure, can I get your phone number?

Yeah. Can you tell him his letter was cool?

Can I get your number, please?

Dude, his letter was cool.

Can I …

Click.

Sorry Paul, the lady who answered the phone sounded annoying.

IT’S NOT JUST YOU

I want to give you guys props on your mag. Generally speaking, it’s a good mag with nice lifestyle photos and excellent surfing photos. The one thing that did stand out was the two-page spread on the introduction of your new Web site. What was it? We “whack” it? Oh, no. Wait, that’s right … “Wack” (spelled wrong) and “On track.” First off, why attack bodyboarders? They’re not your competition. It seems Surfer and Surfing are the competition. Basically, I’m not sure what the ad is trying to accomplish. I’m sure it feels really good to make fun of bodyboarders since you wouldn’t dare take a swing at Surfing or Surfer. It’s so easy to jump on the “Hey, guys. Let’s all take cheap shots at bodyboarders. After all, they don’t do what we do so they must suck.” Kinda like the racism thing, “Hey your skin isn’t white, so you must suck.” On any given day, the surfers outnumber the bodyboarders by five to one¿four of those surfers usually suck. But forget about that right? After all, they’re potential buyers for your mag and advertisers. If you were to have a contest that consisted of the world’s best surfers and the world’s bestpongers in a skate contest, I think you’d be surprised at the outcome. A lot of pro spongers are excellent skaters (and they don’t even have trendy-ass stickers on their boards or backward baseball caps). So keep up the good work. You can keep that silly-ass campaign and let Surfer and Surfing continue to make real mags about surfing and not about making fun of spongers. I mean, are we really worth all that effort? Ken BoyerLaguna Niguel, California

Is Ken there?

Yeah, this is Ken. Who’s this?

This is Chris from TransWorld SURF.

Oh … hi, you must’ve gotten my letter.

Yeah, it hurt my feelings.

Well, you hurt mine with your anti-bodyboarder ad.

Did you cry?

No, but you guys made your magazine look lame by trying to attack bodyboarders.

Do most pro bodyboarders dress like the bodyboarder we showed?

No.

Wow, you must be really sensitive.

Whatever.

Well, you have my permission to stop reading our magazine.

I never read it in the first place.

Then how did you see the ad?

I gotta go. Keep up the bad work.

You keep up the bad work.

Click.

MIKO’S MOMTwo years ago, I sent my son to Pomona College so he could study hard and fulfill his dream of becoming a bartender in Southern France. But no, instead he discovered surfing at Newport Beach, California. Do you know how much it costs to go to Pomona? I work three jobs all at once just to buy his lunch. Last month, he broke his board surfing at Venice Beach. Everybody said it wasn’t a good surf day, but he hadn’t surfed for eight weeks because he was in France checking out jobs.So I gave him the choice between a new board or three months of lunches¿he chose the board. My son said he could go without food easier than going without surfing. He said surfing is spiritual. So my question to you guys is if “s” is for “spiritual,” how come you never write about it? Miko Lim’s mom Pomona, California

Is Miko’s Mom there?

Excuse me?

Yeah, I’m looking for Miko’s mom, this is Chris calling from

TransWorld SURF.”

Oh, okay. Yes, this is Miko’s mom.

How much does it cost to go to school at Pamona?

A lot. I had to work three jobs to put Miko through that school.

Wow, that sounds really tough.

Well, it was.

Did you know that there’re tons of nude girls in Southern France?

Well, that’s fine.

I’ll bet Miko will look at them.

Well, thanks for calling.

Yeah, I’ll bet Miko thinks naked girls are spiritual.

Good bye. Click.

HE AIMS TO PLEASE AND PUMPS WITH EASEI was just sittin’ here wastin’ time and energy at my desk reading the latest issue of TransWorld SURF, when I stumbled across this little “How To Find Your Porn Name” gem. I thought to myself, “What the hell? Let’s see what I can come up with.”First off, my middle name is Thomas, and in my opinion, way too formal and boring for porno stars. Second, I live on a street called Raymond in Santa Monica, California. Now I don’t know about you, but it’s not looking good for the kid right now! Thomas Raymond? How the hell are you gonna get girls like Jenna Jamieson to fall to their knees and pay homage to your schlong with a name like that! Therefore, I propose Tommy Raybone as my official porn name! Ladies and gentlemen, be on the lookout for the debut of Tommy Raybone at your local video stores! He aims to please and pumps with ease!Other than that, I want to commend you all for producing a tight mag with great pics and bitchen articles. Please throw my name in the hat for any free shit you have layin’ around, ’cause who doesn’t love free shit! Eddie Felcyn Santa Monica, California

Is Tommy Raybone there?

You got the wrong number. Click.

Call back

Is Tommy Raybone there?

You just called and you have the wrong number. What number are you trying to call?

I’m calling for Tommy Raybone, the porno guy.

Click.

GIMME SOMETHIN’ TO WET MY WHISTLEI’m writing because I’m a parent of a thirteen-year-old surfer who loves your magazine. I started to read it and was shocked when I read about some pro surfer who just talks about partying and drinking alcohol. I think this was meant as a joke, but neither I nor my husband think it’s very funny. Children (especially teenagers) are faced with many tough decisions every day about drugs and alcohol. I feel that by glamorizing these things, you’re only leading these teenagers and children down the wrong path. Kids these days face enough peer pressure at school and with their friends, they shouldn’t have to read about this stuff in a surfing magazine of all places. Rebecca Whistle Flagler Beach, Florida

Is Rebecca there?

Speaking.

Yeah, what’s up? This is Rick Smith.

Excuse me? I don’t know any Rick Smith. You must have the wrong number.

Really? You sound hot. Do you party?

I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye.

Wait! Do you party? Partying’s rad.

Click.

Call back

Answering machine “Hello, you’ve reached the Whistle residence. We’re not able to take your call, so please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

Beeeeep.

Yeah. Hey, Rebecca this is Rick Smith. I just talked to you, but we must’ve got disconnected or some shit. Anyway, there’s a full-on industry rager this weekend and I was seeing if you would want to cruise and have a few drinks with me. Call me. Lates. a thirteen-year-old surfer who loves your magazine. I started to read it and was shocked when I read about some pro surfer who just talks about partying and drinking alcohol. I think this was meant as a joke, but neither I nor my husband think it’s very funny. Children (especially teenagers) are faced with many tough decisions every day about drugs and alcohol. I feel that by glamorizing these things, you’re only leading these teenagers and children down the wrong path. Kids these days face enough peer pressure at school and with their friends, they shouldn’t have to read about this stuff in a surfing magazine of all places. Rebecca Whistle Flagler Beach, Florida

Is Rebecca there?

Speaking.

Yeah, what’s up? This is Rick Smith.

Excuse me? I don’t know any Rick Smith. You must have the wrong number.

Really? You sound hot. Do you party?

I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye.

Wait! Do you party? Partying’s rad.

Click.

Call back

Answering machine “Hello, you’ve reached the Whistle residence. We’re not able to take your call, so please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

Beeeeep.

Yeah. Hey, Rebecca this is Rick Smith. I just talked to you, but we must’ve got disconnected or some shit. Anyway, there’s a full-on industry rager this weekend and I was seeing if you would want to cruise and have a few drinks with me. Call me. Lates.