Mailbomb 2-4

This month’s Mail Bomb is filled with letters from humans like you. All the replies to your letters were things I learned from reading the April/May 2000 issue of Stuff magazine. Stuff is a magazine for men that’s full of great stories and facts¿it basically kicks ass. It cusses a lot and shows nudity, all the things I wish we could do in this magazine.¿C.C.

BOVINE FECES?
I love your guys mag. I think TWS rocks. I live in Big Walnut Grove, Wisconsin, and in the winter when the hog crap freezes over, I take the floor mats out of the back of my Dad’s Oldsmobile and slide across it just like I was surfing the really big stuff I’ve seen when I’m on spring break in Texas. Bovine feces is gnarly, too! It’ll infect you way more than coral reef.
-Duane “The Crust King” Stuckey
Big Walnut Grove, Wisconsin

Duane,Did you know that in Florida it’s illegal to have sex with a porcupine. So if you, “The Crust King,” were to get caught the back of your dad’s Oldsmobile getting weird with a porcupine anywhere in the state of Florida, you’d breaking the law, buddy. Clean up your act. And stay out of Florida.

KELLY SLATER’S HERO
I just got my copy of the new TransWorld, and I even got to see my Kelly in it. I swear, if it weren’t for the mags, I’d see him a lot less often. Thanks, I know you do it for me. Also, Kalani¿why don’t you have a clothing sponsor? You should really get an agent.
To close, about the article, “Everyone Thinks They Got The New Shit,” and here I thought “shit” was solid bodily waste that I feel certain the composer of this piece has knowledge of how it is excreted. If I were the head of one of the companies that produced this apparel, it’d be difficult for me to accept it being presented in this way, but what the heck do I know¿I’m just a mother. Otherwise, your magazine looks good.
But I haven’t read it all yet …
-Judy Slater
Indialantic, Florida

Judy,
Thanks for writing. You brought up some good questions. Kalani just got hooked up with Fox clothing and he’s super excited. About the shit, I just like cussing and that’s the only cuss word I’m allowed to say. Oh, Judy, did you know that over 1,700 people died in the building of the intercontinental railroad in 1862. Now East Coasters can just take a plane or drive a car.

KELLY SLATER’S HERO, AGAIN
This is my second letter this month. Look at it this way¿I’ll just fill up some space, that’s all a lot of us do anyway. First of all, I must say Sean Slater is my favorite writer¿creative, intelligent, and always a good read. I’m not saying this because I’m his mother, well, maybe I am a little biased, but I try very hard to be objective about my kids. I’m saying this because I believe it’s true, and you can ask any of my kids. They’ll tell you that I’m their harshest critic, constructively critical of course, anything else would be defeating the purpose and not fair to them.
The interview with Tommy O’ Brien is why I’m writing. He’s talented, good-looking, clean-cut, is from a good home, presents himself well, and is intelligent¿meaning he actually speaks in complete sentences. In other words, he’s a very marketable commodity and a great example of the wave of the future in the industry. Take a good look at him, companies. He’s what will sell your product. His advice to humans: “Always do the best you can, there isn’t a time when you shouldn’t.” Life’s always easier to experience when you do what the right thing. I’ve said this many times, but remember when you used to color with crayons, and you tried to stay inside the lines? That is life¿always have your boundaries, keep your principles in place, and no matter what, life will be good to you. Life’s a lot easier that way¿less friction to deal with.
As for the guys who hassle you in the water: The best thing you can do for yourself is avoid them, hone your craft, and set an example. They used to do that to Kelly, ty don’t now. Those kind of people have something lacking in their personalities. Let them continue to be assholes, only they’ll pay for it. Don’t waste your time or energy on them.
Lastly, don’t ever forget: Be good to your mom and dad¿they’re truly the only ones who you can always count on to tell you the cold, hard truth. Keep up the good work, TransWorld, your magazine’s looking good. And be sure to keep in mind that I’ll let you know if it isn’t.
-Judy Slater
Indialantic, Florida

Judy knows about being a mom. This advice is good for any kid to know. She has wisdom, and it goes way beyond being Kelly’s, Sean’s, and Steven’s mommy. Oh, and did you know, the top speed of a cockroach is three miles per hour. Cockroaches are proportionately three times faster than a cheetah, which cruises at 60 miles per hour.

FROM THE HEART OF MOS DEF
This message is not a press release, an album party invite, or an invite to an open bar sponsored by Rawkus Records. This letter is an air-raid siren. It’s an alarm ringing. It’s a neighbor screamin’ in the hallways that the building is on fire while everyone’s asleep. This is real! This is not from the desk of a publicist paid to use attractive words to get your attention. This is from me … from my heart to paper.
Amadou Diallo was a West African immigrant with no prior criminal record who was shot and killed by the police in the dark of night for simply being black. He was unarmed and shot 41 times! No unarmed man should be shot at even once! One of the police officers involved in the Diallo shooting was involved in the killing of Patrick Bailey no more than a year and a half ago! Tyesha Miller was shot in her car in Los Angeles while she had a seizure! I could go on and on with the names of black people who’ve been killed at the hands of police just this year. But the list is so long that it would turn this letter into a statistic sheet.
Most of the people who got killed by police this year and in the past have probably been some of your fans, some of my fans, and fans of your favorite artists. They’re black people who love us, who defend us, who protect us, who put us in our comfortable homes and our luxury sports utility vehicles and our well-kept hotel suites and our oversized tour buses. They’re the people who buy our records, our T-shirts, our concert tickets, and so on and so forth. They’re the same people who are getting murdered, harassed, maimed, and beaten in streets all over the world every day!
The only people in our community who haven’t responded to this incident are us. Hip-hop made 100-billion dollars last year! A lot of these dollars came from the “Comptons,” the “Brooklyns,” the “Chicagos,” the “Detroit” ghettos, the “St. Louis” ghettos … the same ghettos where police run around literally hunting black folks to murder … then cruise the streets shortly thereafter with impunity and arrogance.
We are the Senators and the Congressmen of our communities. We come from communities that don’t have nobody to speak for them. That’s why they love us. Because we talk about what nobody else will talk about. We represent them. And they need to know that we really represent them. Not when it’s just a romantic notion or a paycheck attached to it. When something happens to them it matters to us, because when something happens to them¿it’s happening to us. I hope this is as important to you as it is to me, ’cause when I pass by the projects and when I pass by the hood, I don’t see nobody but me. I see everybody who looks like me. I see me many years ago, as I’m sure many of you do.
So it’s time for us to come together from the “jiggy” to the “hardcore,” from the “backpacker” to the man with the Lexus, and really unite and show the world that we got strength. Show the world who we are. Represent who we are. Who we really are and where we really come from. Let’s show people where our heart is … that we haven’t forgotten.
Now I’m askin’ you and anybody who looks on this letter to come forward and show your heart, to show your love, to love the people who love you back by speaking out against the injustices they suffer. Because believe me, if the clock was turned backwards we’d be those same people.
Please stay mindful of this. Please be considerate of this letter. Pass it around! Talk about this! Think about it! Keep it on your mind, because if you don’t … it’s going to keep it’s mind on you. I wanna thank everybody for taking the time out read this letter. I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time.
I want to wish each and everyone of y’all peace, prosperity, and love. Peace.
-Mos DefBrooklyn, New York

What can I say? People should listen to Mos¿all people. Also, people should learn (from Stuff magazine), that a man advertised, “One Night With My Wife” on the Internet auction site. For 15,000 dollars, “She’s willing to be a sex slave for one night to the highest bidder.” Now that is messed up.

HEY, NEW WORD
Buttlock: When you shit your pants and the shit sticks your butt cheeks together, you’ve got buttlock, baby! This is how I know: When I was ten, I used to crap my pants in my sleep and wake up with buttlock. We made up a song about it. It goes, “Buttlock, baby. I got the buttlock, baby.” Sing it to the tune of “Love Shack.”
-Eddie Tovar,
Torrance, California

Eddie,
Though I’ve never actually woken up with buttlock, my friend used to have a similar problem called “buttstuck.” Did you hear about the Three Minute Duck Embryo? The author of a book called Strange Foods endulged himself with a feast of a boiled sixteen-day-old duck embryo. He says, “It’s just like a hard-boiled egg, but it’s got a little baby duck embryo in there. You can see the beak and feet, and it crunches when you bite it.” Scary.

IDEAL DAY IN TASMANIA
Get up when the time is right. Feeling good, not quite awake, but ready. Raining hard. Cross the street, walk the dunes, swim, back for a shower, and still raining hard. Put on some good music¿droning, mellow. Breakfast in the beanbags, the fire sparks to life in the stove. First shaft of light hits the living room floor. Nine a.m. stretching on the carpet. Winds turned around, cross the street, surf, and stay out all day. Starts raining again about 4:00 p.m. Quits at six for sunset, and the last waves of the day. Final duck-dive through a six-foot backlit wall. Something between orange lava and grass green. At home, eating something out of a large wooden bowl. Mostly green stuff topped with balsamic vinegar, dill, mustard, and honey. Watching Raising Arizona, fall asleep in bed, while raining hard outside.
-Mike DaviesTasmania

Mike-O,
Sounds like a great day. Where’s the patchouli oil and incense? Just kidding, bro. Anyway, on page 68 of the new Stuff magazine, Professor Heinz Krankleshnit answers the question, what’s dirtier¿kissing a dog or a human? It’s true that the spaces between dog’s teeth have less bacteria than a human. But then again, dogs eat their own poop¿so choose between the two.

SAY IT AIN’T SO
There it was, something I’d never seen before. I mean, I’ve seen some shocking advertisements and articles in surf magazines before, but this was terrible¿this was sad. It probably started way back when the waves were flat or some shit, and they would pretend to surf on their skateboards. Now if you’ve ever seen this, and you probably have, then you most likely wanted to tell them to stop. Unless you are one of those dudes reading this, if so, I hope you crash into a tree while trying to get barreled by one.
Yes, I first saw it in one of the typical surf magazines with waves, surfers, and girls. I flipped the page and there it was, some guy standing on a skateboard with the logo of some company in the corner. Yes, standing there. Maybe he was moving, but who cares? What the f¿k was he doing? Was he in an ad for standing on hikin’ you and anybody who looks on this letter to come forward and show your heart, to show your love, to love the people who love you back by speaking out against the injustices they suffer. Because believe me, if the clock was turned backwards we’d be those same people.
Please stay mindful of this. Please be considerate of this letter. Pass it around! Talk about this! Think about it! Keep it on your mind, because if you don’t … it’s going to keep it’s mind on you. I wanna thank everybody for taking the time out read this letter. I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time.
I want to wish each and everyone of y’all peace, prosperity, and love. Peace.
-Mos DefBrooklyn, New York

What can I say? People should listen to Mos¿all people. Also, people should learn (from Stuff magazine), that a man advertised, “One Night With My Wife” on the Internet auction site. For 15,000 dollars, “She’s willing to be a sex slave for one night to the highest bidder.” Now that is messed up.

HEY, NEW WORD
Buttlock: When you shit your pants and the shit sticks your butt cheeks together, you’ve got buttlock, baby! This is how I know: When I was ten, I used to crap my pants in my sleep and wake up with buttlock. We made up a song about it. It goes, “Buttlock, baby. I got the buttlock, baby.” Sing it to the tune of “Love Shack.”
-Eddie Tovar,
Torrance, California

Eddie,
Though I’ve never actually woken up with buttlock, my friend used to have a similar problem called “buttstuck.” Did you hear about the Three Minute Duck Embryo? The author of a book called Strange Foods endulged himself with a feast of a boiled sixteen-day-old duck embryo. He says, “It’s just like a hard-boiled egg, but it’s got a little baby duck embryo in there. You can see the beak and feet, and it crunches when you bite it.” Scary.

IDEAL DAY IN TASMANIA
Get up when the time is right. Feeling good, not quite awake, but ready. Raining hard. Cross the street, walk the dunes, swim, back for a shower, and still raining hard. Put on some good music¿droning, mellow. Breakfast in the beanbags, the fire sparks to life in the stove. First shaft of light hits the living room floor. Nine a.m. stretching on the carpet. Winds turned around, cross the street, surf, and stay out all day. Starts raining again about 4:00 p.m. Quits at six for sunset, and the last waves of the day. Final duck-dive through a six-foot backlit wall. Something between orange lava and grass green. At home, eating something out of a large wooden bowl. Mostly green stuff topped with balsamic vinegar, dill, mustard, and honey. Watching Raising Arizona, fall asleep in bed, while raining hard outside.
-Mike DaviesTasmania

Mike-O,
Sounds like a great day. Where’s the patchouli oil and incense? Just kidding, bro. Anyway, on page 68 of the new Stuff magazine, Professor Heinz Krankleshnit answers the question, what’s dirtier¿kissing a dog or a human? It’s true that the spaces between dog’s teeth have less bacteria than a human. But then again, dogs eat their own poop¿so choose between the two.

SAY IT AIN’T SO
There it was, something I’d never seen before. I mean, I’ve seen some shocking advertisements and articles in surf magazines before, but this was terrible¿this was sad. It probably started way back when the waves were flat or some shit, and they would pretend to surf on their skateboards. Now if you’ve ever seen this, and you probably have, then you most likely wanted to tell them to stop. Unless you are one of those dudes reading this, if so, I hope you crash into a tree while trying to get barreled by one.
Yes, I first saw it in one of the typical surf magazines with waves, surfers, and girls. I flipped the page and there it was, some guy standing on a skateboard with the logo of some company in the corner. Yes, standing there. Maybe he was moving, but who cares? What the f¿k was he doing? Was he in an ad for standing on his skateboard? Why? Was it a joke?
Sure, that’s what it was¿end of story. The magazines came once a month as usual, and to my horror, more of those advertisements would pop up, getting even worse. With guys doing turns in the streets, or “carving” on driveways, this shit wasn’t stopping. No, it keeps on like a bad case of diarrhea.
Captions reading, “Jon slashes the pavement,” or whatever. Slash? That word alone sounds stupid enough, then to take it out of context is just horrendous. As the months would go by more of these advertisements would appear, and even top professionals succumbed to this handicapped display of skateboarding. I’ve seen companies sprout in dedication to this unbeleivable mess.
Is it that the makers of surfing mags are getting bored of the same old pictures? Are they trying to make us laugh? I can tell you this: If you ever see me doing such things on a skateboard, then you have the permission to call me a “jerk,” a “bum,” and/or an “A-S-S-H-O-L-E.” Because if I was ever doing such a thing, I’d have either been on a lot of drugs, was forced to do it, or was being paid a lot to look like a dummy.
-Ora GamiSouthern Caliphonia

Mr. Ora Gami,
You’ve brought up a good point. I once rode a longboard skateboard. It was great for travel, and getting home late night. I’ve also witnessed people trying to emulate surfing on said boards and it’s a sad sight, indeed. It’s like surfing, only squattier and more lame-looking. Speaking of longboards, if a man takes viagra and his penis never goes flacid¿he may get gangrene, and have his rocket amputated.n his skateboard? Why? Was it a joke?
Sure, that’s what it was¿end of story. The magazines came once a month as usual, and to my horror, more of those advertisements would pop up, getting even worse. With guys doing turns in the streets, or “carving” on driveways, this shit wasn’t stopping. No, it keeps on like a bad case of diarrhea.
Captions reading, “Jon slashes the pavement,” or whatever. Slash? That word alone sounds stupid enough, then to take it out of context is just horrendous. As the months would go by more of these advertisements would appear, and even top professionals succumbed to this handicapped display of skateboarding. I’ve seen companies sprout in dedication to this unbeleivable mess.
Is it that the makers of surfing mags are getting bored of the same old pictures? Are they trying to make us laugh? I can tell you this: If you ever see me doing such things on a skateboard, then you have the permission to call me a “jerk,” a “bum,” and/or an “A-S-S-H-O-L-E.” Because if I was ever doing such a thing, I’d have either been on a lot of drugs, was forced to do it, or was being paid a lot to look like a dummy.
-Ora GamiSouthern Caliphonia

Mr. Ora Gami,
You’ve brought up a good point. I once rode a longboard skateboard. It was great for travel, and getting home late night. I’ve also witnessed people trying to emulate surfing on said boards and it’s a sad sight, indeed. It’s like surfing, only squattier and more lame-looking. Speaking of longboards, if a man takes viagra and his penis never goes flacid¿he may get gangrene, and have his rocket amputated.