MailBomb

THE SNACK MACHINE IS CALLING ME
This Mail Bomb is dedicated to the snack foods I eat every day in the cafeteria here at TransWorld. I always get hungry, and the snack machine helps me out all the time. Sometimes I have dreams the snack machine gets left unlocked and I get to eat all the candy in it. Once I reached in there and tried to grab a Cup-O-Noodles, but instead I jimmied loose a Snickers¿too bad I’m allergic to nougat.¿C.C.

CONSPIRACY THEORY
My name is Charles Baer. I would like to write an article for your magazine. It’d be about environmentalism and overpopulation. It would be political. It would depend on input from the tribe. It would shape a surf plan to save the planet. It would let us communicate with ourselves, and figure out what we want to do. This, ultimately, would lead to a world government on the Internet. The sooner, the better. I recently spoke to an editor of a surf magazine. He said surf mags are fantasy based, with no room for the grim reality of environmentalism. I respectfully disagree.
I think surfers can handle the truth. The truth is the planet may be past the point of no return. The planet may not be able to be saved. The truth is that maybe billions of people dying from starvation and disease would be good for the planet. The truth is that women should not be allowed to have kids. Surfers need to save the planet. Surfers need to save the planet on the Internet. The only way to do this is to confront these issues head on to solve them, all from within the tribe.
We must be united in our plan. Once that happens, then we can unite the world. The tools are there. We need the courage to use them. In November, the leader of the world will be an old, white, establishment, status-quo dude¿for the next four years. That gives us at least four years to pull this off. Easy! Every day the situation gets worse. As far as I can tell, the situation has been ridiculous for decades. I think surfers have a mission, a responsibility, and a duty to save the Earth. We need to save it. We need to unite as surfers. Then we can unite to save the planet!
It’s just common sense. This is the article I want to write. It would eventually become a Web site. The Web site would evolve into the first world government. Thank you!

Charles Baer
Portland, Oregon

Charles,
I have a conspiracy of my own. Have you ever put in your 55 cents and been completely sure you pushed the right button, but just as you await your tasty treat, you get some busted-ass Pecan Delights? That, my friends, is a conspiracy.

I LOVE MY SISTER, BUT NOT IN THAT WAY
While flipping through your “mag,” I came across your ad “Please, Take My Sister,” and I said, “Hell, I have a sister and she’s pretty damn cool.” Her name is Amy and she’s two years older than me. Being older than me, I always grew up being with all of her hottie friends. That was cool. But most of all she took me to her apartment when I had no place to go.
See, when I was going to school in Santa Barbara, California, I suddenly moved in with a girl. Well, the girl took a great big shit on me, so to speak, and Amy was right there to pick me up and keep my head on straight. Amy’s by far the best sister anyone could have, but sorry to say she’s mine! Anyway, here’s a picture of me and my sister. Keep on doing what you’re doing, ’cause your mag rules.

Adam Reinwasser
San Diego, California

Adam,
That’s a really nice story about your sister. You didn’t win, but I like the part of your letter where you say, “She took a big shit on me.” That was funny. Almost as funny as spilling a boiling hot beef-flavored Instant Lunch on your lap at breakfast time. Ever heard of third-degree burns on the privates?

¿INFORMAÇÕES SOBRE A MIMI?
Hi everyone. My name’s Marco Aurelio, and I’m from Brazil. I’m seventeen, turning eighteen in July. I’m a model at Elite models in Brazil, and I’m a student. I surf on weekends a holidays. Well, I entered in the site and saw the “Mimi the Intern” picture. She looks gorgeous. Wow, who is she? What’s her name? Please, any information about her is welcome, please. Tell me everything about her¿is she a model, too? Does she have any e-mail? Well, that’s all I want to know. Thanks!

Marco Aurelio
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

P.S. Congratulations on the site. The only problem is that the chat room is always empty!

Hola Marco!
When I get hungry at work, I usually just eat a packet of sugar or some of my coworkers’ leftovers from in the fridge. That is, until our vending machine got the New and Improved Bold Party Blend Chex Mix. This fills you up, but if you were to eat it at a party, nobody would talk to you ’cause it leaves your breath smelling like the underside of a pro wrestler’s nuts after an hour in the steel cage.

I HAVE A DREAM …
I can’t believe what I’m holding in my hand right now. In fact, I think it’s the amount of time I spent thinking about it that I don’t believe. Enough that I even kept it under my pillow the first night!
Yesterday in the mail came the accomplishment of a four-year period. I hold in my hand my beloved passport, and going through the pages, I can see a visa with a kangaroo. The key to my paradise¿Australia. No one can truly realize what all of this means in my life. I’m going to surf and work in the paradise of Oz¿people here think I’m a crazy 23-year-old girl who should work on a career choice, instead of improving the way of life she always wanted. After building her own surfing world in her head, now she’s going to live it fully, without even caring about what they have to say. Next step¿booking my plane ticket!

Marie Jose
The Mysterious Writer

Ms. Jose,
When Crispy M&M’s came out, I dreamed they’d save my life. I was so sick of the plain chocolate ones, and the nut ones gave me a headache, so I thought that the new Crispy ones would be my saviour. I thought wrong. After two or three of them, I got a dry tasteless sensation in my mouth. It felt like someone poured desert sand straight onto my tongue. I immediately protested these demon M&M’s and went straight back to the plain ones. By the way¿go to Australia, it’s all you say and more.

DUTCH FRENCH KISSER
It was nice to see the WCT Top 44 named Dutch girls (Volume One, Number Two) as good kissers in the Word section Love Report. Thanks guys! Keep up the good work.

Mahalo Marloes
The Netherlands

Mahalo,
That’s right, most all of the Top 44 dudes polled did mention the Dutch. Speaking of kissing, I ate Funyuns one day for brunch, and two days later I miraculously had the chance to kiss a girl. But when I opened my mouth, the Funyun smell attacked her and she gagged. I guess I should start brushing my teeth every few days, or at least after eating Funyuns.

THE CONTEST IS OVER, BUT SHE SOUNDS COOL
My sister is cool because she says, “Screw guys!” She used to go out with a different guy every week ’til she went through the alphabet. But now she’s like, “Screw it.” She’s cool because she never told on me. Usually, she was the one to be told on. She invited me to her house, and that was my first party. I drank wine coolers that night¿those are good. She took me to a hockey game once, and a guy got his teeth bashed out. That’s why I love my sister, and that’s why she’s cool. Justin Buxton
Palm Bay, Florida

Mr. Buxton,
First of all, you shouldn’t be drinking if you’re not 21, or eighteen if you live in one of those weird states. As far as your sister goes, where does she live? I’ve got some friends who want to party with her! We’ll bring over some ultra-dry Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Mini-cookies. They make your mouth so dry, it feels like your face is gonna implode on itself.

DOUG E. NOT SO FRESH
Hey dudes, what’s up? My name is Doug Nelson. I’m eighteen and I live in Dayton, Ohio (it sucks!). I moved here from Miami, Florida a couple of years ago because of family reasons, etc. I really dig your surf magazine and read it all in the first couple of days that I get it. All I think about is surfing, surfing, surfing, and then the occasional female, but most of my day is spent thinking about surfing.
Your magazine is one of my releases from living far from the water … that and a couple of surf videos I’ve watched over a million times. I’m like the only dude at my school who’s stoked about surfing¿my locker is covered with pictures from your magazines (from top to bottom). Everyone in school knows me as “the dumb surfer dude.”
Is there any way you guys could send me some free stuff to parade around¿some stickers to stick on my car, or a new surf video I can watch hundreds of times? I’d be so stoked if you did! If not, you guys are still cool and I’m into your mag. Hey, by the way, Mimi is a good idea and a great addition to the TransWorld crew. Well, I’ll catch you groms later.Doug E.
Dayton, Ohio

Doug,
You should be getting more girls than the jocks. I think you should just take the “only surfer at school” thing way overboard. Start wearing wetsuits to school and act all depressed like some tortured artist. A way to get the skinny-tortured-artist-look is to eat nothing but a Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bar once a week. You get all these oats and vitamins in every bite so you won’t feel weak, just artsy. Oh, yeah¿they taste good dipped in chocolate, covered in sugar, and sprayed with butter substitute.

THE WORLD’S TALLEST LEPRECHAUN
This stupid-ass photo was taken by Kelly Miller, and the model is Jay Miller. You asked for it and you got it. Thanks. Jay Thomas
Providence, Rhode Island

Jay,
What does the phrase, “Sweet and Salty Mix” mean to you? To me, it reminds me of a human male’s testicles after a heavy workout or a long day at the office. But that’s how Kar’s describes their trail mix. The M&M’s taste like salt-covered M&M’s. Also, I have no explanation for this picture.

MUSING YOOTH BACK ON TOP!
(scan card and insert here)

Well, well. If it isn’t my pals, The Musing Yooth. Thanks for the card and the catsup. I had these disgusting Raspberry Shortbread Swirls that are made by the people who brought you Camp Snoopy. After I scraped all the gross raspberry out of the cookies, I added the catsup in its place. Yummy! It tasted like a catsup-covered crouton.

CHRIS IS A MEANIE
Why was Chris Cote so mean in that one letters section where he said he wanted to fight everybody? Is he an ass in real life, or does he just play one on TV? Also, in your Taj Burrow interview, I just wanted to say that he’s such a hottie. Taj, if you ever come to Jacksonville, look me up and I’ll hook you up¿if you know what I mean!

Shelly Mesdage
Jacksonville, Florida

Shelly,
I’m sorry if you think I was mean. I’ll try to be a nicer person. It’s hard though when people send lame letters such as this one. Getting insulted by you makes me feel like the first time I tasted Whoppers. I thought someone played a joke on me and covered some mothballs with rotten chocolate. Also, I doubt Taj would ever call you, because you sound desperate.ved here from Miami, Florida a couple of years ago because of family reasons, etc. I really dig your surf magazine and read it all in the first couple of days that I get it. All I think about is surfing, surfing, surfing, and then the occasional female, but most of my day is spent thinking about surfing.
Your magazine is one of my releases from living far from the water … that and a couple of surf videos I’ve watched over a million times. I’m like the only dude at my school who’s stoked about surfing¿my locker is covered with pictures from your magazines (from top to bottom). Everyone in school knows me as “the dumb surfer dude.”
Is there any way you guys could send me some free stuff to parade around¿some stickers to stick on my car, or a new surf video I can watch hundreds of times? I’d be so stoked if you did! If not, you guys are still cool and I’m into your mag. Hey, by the way, Mimi is a good idea and a great addition to the TransWorld crew. Well, I’ll catch you groms later.Doug E.
Dayton, Ohio

Doug,
You should be getting more girls than the jocks. I think you should just take the “only surfer at school” thing way overboard. Start wearing wetsuits to school and act all depressed like some tortured artist. A way to get the skinny-tortured-artist-look is to eat nothing but a Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bar once a week. You get all these oats and vitamins in every bite so you won’t feel weak, just artsy. Oh, yeah¿they taste good dipped in chocolate, covered in sugar, and sprayed with butter substitute.

THE WORLD’S TALLEST LEPRECHAUN
This stupid-ass photo was taken by Kelly Miller, and the model is Jay Miller. You asked for it and you got it. Thanks. Jay Thomas
Providence, Rhode Island

Jay,
What does the phrase, “Sweet and Salty Mix” mean to you? To me, it reminds me of a human male’s testicles after a heavy workout or a long day at the office. But that’s how Kar’s describes their trail mix. The M&M’s taste like salt-covered M&M’s. Also, I have no explanation for this picture.

MUSING YOOTH BACK ON TOP!
(scan card and insert here)

Well, well. If it isn’t my pals, The Musing Yooth. Thanks for the card and the catsup. I had these disgusting Raspberry Shortbread Swirls that are made by the people who brought you Camp Snoopy. After I scraped all the gross raspberry out of the cookies, I added the catsup in its place. Yummy! It tasted like a catsup-covered crouton.

CHRIS IS A MEANIE
Why was Chris Cote so mean in that one letters section where he said he wanted to fight everybody? Is he an ass in real life, or does he just play one on TV? Also, in your Taj Burrow interview, I just wanted to say that he’s such a hottie. Taj, if you ever come to Jacksonville, look me up and I’ll hook you up¿if you know what I mean!

Shelly Mesdage
Jacksonville, Florida

Shelly,
I’m sorry if you think I was mean. I’ll try to be a nicer person. It’s hard though when people send lame letters such as this one. Getting insulted by you makes me feel like the first time I tasted Whoppers. I thought someone played a joke on me and covered some mothballs with rotten chocolate. Also, I doubt Taj would ever call you, because you sound desperate.