MAILBOMB

Mailbomb (With Our Guy From The Future, Kelvin Rectocon)

Hello. My name is Kelvin Rectocon, and I come from the future¿the year 2037 to be exact. I invented a time machine and have come back to tell you all about the future¿what a great place! Human asses are made of plastic, and the ocean is made of gelatin. Let me tell you more … In the future, the beaches of the former state known as California are vast wastelands of rocks, tidepools, quicksand, and scrap metal. If you want to surf, you’re gonna have to walk about twelve miles from any civilization. As you approach the gelatin-like sea, you’ll notice the slime sliding across the reef as the tide surges and falls. The ever-glowing oceans are inviting, yet deadly. If you’re not wearing your latex protective armor suit, you’re screwed.

ADDICTED TO CRACK
I had almost convinced myself not to pose nude to make money for a surfboard when I picked up my latest issue of TransWorld SURF and was inspired. I was profoundly moved by the number of ass-cracks waving in the breeze, and now I’m determined to do whatever it takes to buy a new board. It was indeed a pleasure thumbing through the pages¿the photography is breathtaking and the butt-cracks brought a horizontal smile to my lips.

In your letters page, a woman wrote to gripe about the lack of women in the magazine. Yes, women are not represented other than in a few ads, but the Reef girl is an impressive figure, isn’t she? She probably can’t surf, but her ass-cheeks are getting a lot of air. I can’t see her crack, but the cheeks sure do defy gravity. Good for her!

You don’t see a lot of women in Playgirl either, but I don’t hear anyone complaining. Those guys’ asses aren’t nearly as cut as the young surf-bucks in TransWorld SURF. Thank you.

Kiki Nusbaumer
Midlothian, Virginia

Kiki Nusbaumer unit,
In the future, most human waste is fed to robotic goats. The goats run on treadmills to power the cities of the future. After three years of treadmill service, the goats are sent to Mars to mine for diamonds.

THANKS FOR THE WALLPAPER
I have purchased many of your magazines. They’re really great. They show me a lot of famous surfers around the world and great pictures to put all over my walls. I have only gone surfing once¿but I know it’s meant for me. I have surfing stickers everywhere. Especially on my car and in my room. Your magazine gives me another outlook on other surfers and their style. Like Kelly Slater, he’s my friend’s favorite. Thank you so much for making such a great surfing magazine.

Jennifer Christian
Thousand Oaks, California

Jennifer Christian unit,
In the school of the future, knowledge is directly implanted into the brain using technology passed down from aliens called Dikfors. The Dikfors landed in 2021 and quickly blended into our society. At first, humans asked the question, “What’s a Dikfor?”

The Dikfors answered, “We are here to service the human race, because we love humans.”

Mankind replied, “Fair enough.”

Then the Dikfors screwed us by introducing humans to the addictive game called Cup and Sniff.

MY DAD IS ANTI-LONGBOARD
Here’s a picture I took of my dad, whose friends call him Lizard! He grew up in Hawai’i, mid-60s to early 70s, and has not ridden a longboard since he was a grom. He just turned 50 and I guess I just wanted to give props to Pops. I hope I’ll be shredding at his age. Old shortboarders rule!Nathan Walter
Carlsbad, California

Nathan Walter unit,
In the future, parents are replaced with two separate robots. One looks like a giant octopus with eight arms that cleans the house with four of them and spanks the children with the other four. This robot has a built-in speaker that nags 24 hours a day. The other robot is a stronger, meaner robot that yells and sometimes gives out money, but also throws a fit every time the children wet their beds.

A LETTER FROM SCHOOLKID #235A
I’m not really into surfingbut I was reading one of your magazines, and the article “The Last Summer” tells the best things of summer¿the girls and not having school. I enjoyed a different viewpoint of summer. Thanks.Brian Burris
Yucaipa, California

Brian Burris unit,
In 2024, a large earthquake will hit the Western Seaboard, causing a giant ripple effect that will whip up the Eastern Seaboard, sending all occupants flying into the ocean. Thirty-five-million people will be flung like water balloons 398 miles out into the Atlantic. Giant sperm whales are going to be saddled to aid in the rescue (with the help of whale jockeys). Among the people, 254,786 will be rescued, and the rest will be eaten.

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE, SOMETIMES
In your September 1999 issue of TransWorld SURF, the Textbook article was great. I believe it really showed the surfer out there how to do a backside murder. You had great use of pictures and an interesting way to describe the moves. If I ever get a chance to go surf, I could try it.

Maybe you could do an article on beginning surfing for people like me who are really scared to surf because we don’t know how. Thank you for your time and concern. I look forward to your next magazine.

Adena Bartlett
Yucaipa, California

Adena Bartlett unit,
In the year 2029, California will change its name to Extremea. Everyone residing in California will be forced by lawmakers to be “extreme.” All children will be fitted with Rollerblade implants at age eleven, and at age fourteen, all children will be forced to drink two gallons of Mountain Dew a day. Soon after, every child under sixteen will turn green and mutate into eight-foot-tall, half-human, half-crab subspecies.

WWW.WIERDO.COM
Hello. My name is Charles. I would like to help you create a Web page. It would be a Web page for a world government. It would weave IMF policy with UN policy. It would combine this policy with the interests of all governments. It would deal with the issue of overpopulation. I feel that this Web page is inevitable, and the sooner the better. I feel that, as a magazine, it’s in your best interest to try to dominate the Internet. I feel that my .com is your best shot. Someone will do my site¿this is your chance to be that someone. The main issue is overpopulation.

In the future, that will be the main issue for the IMF and the UN. In order to form a world government on the Internet, all these issues need to be brought together in a simple way for everyone to understand. As you can see, my site is in the developmental stages. Some may see faults. My answer would be one of the following:

This is a media experiment. This is for entertainment purposes only. This is about making sure that every government provides all women the right to choose not to be pregnant. I think this Web site would be the easiest way, and the most lucrative way, to save the planet. I think we can work together on this and have fun. I am open to any proposal you may have. I believe this is a “no brainier.” Charles Baer
Portland, Oregon

Charles Baer unit,
Web sites in the future will be totally interactive. When you go to a surf Web site, water sprays out of the computer and lets you get barreled at your desk. Sometimes knives swing out of the computer and simulate fin and reef cuts. In the Pipeline simulation, you can drop in on surfers, then a fist comes out of the screen and punches you out¿it’s really fun.

BOB BOON FROM DICK-IN-SON
First, I want to say the mag is rad. Okay, here’s the deal: three days ago in my third-period class, me and some of my surf bros are chillin’ in class, jammin’ to some Hendrix, and the teacher asked how I felt about poseurs and false identity and shit like that¿so I took it upon myself to point out the dick in the Rip Curl shirt who had never been to the beach in his life. The bastard started talking mad poop, so I said, “Bitch, you got beef?”

And the teach said, “Leave!”

So I said “Make me!”

The teach said, “Leave, or I’ll get Officer Cromie!”

So I grabbed my tunes and walked toward the door. But the highlight¿I bitch-slapped the poseur on the way out and he pissed and whined and said he was the f¿ker who keyed my piece of shit beach buggy. So then I was on my way when I saw his 2000 Mustang convertible in the parking lot all by itself. I’ll put it like this¿he won’t be driving anywhere anytime soon! Oops, my bad. I just wanted you guys to know about my fight for true surfers worldwide. Bobby Ulloon
Dickinson, Texas

Bobby Ulloon unit,
Wow! In the future, you’d be called a T.B.A.J.S.B., which stands for “Totally Bad-Assed Jock Surfer Bro.” You’d be forced to wear a shirt that said “Poseur Patrol,” and would be in charge of making sure that only real surfers got to wear all the cool surfer clothes. You’d have to carry around a “surfer card” in order to wear cool surfer clothes. It’s a hard job, but it pays well. And people are super stoked to hang out with you. DON’T BE STUPID ALL YOUR LIFE
I got your new issue with Ratboy pulling a sick air on the cover. I see Ratboy’s got a big hand drawn on the bottom of his board, flipping the finger. I get it. That’s really funny¿heh, heh, heh. He’s flipping off his sponsors … wait a minute … that doesn’t make sense, he wouldn’t flip off his sponsors. Oh, now I get it¿he’s giving the old F.U. to the photographer. That’s hilarious. Hey, wait a minute that doesn’t make sense¿he needs photos. I’m confused, is he flipping the wave off? His board? The world? Hey! Maybe TransWorld’s flipping me off! Listen here, you muthaf¿kas, I’ll cap your ass! You sorry sons of bitches! I know where you live! That does it! Cancel my prescription¿I mean subscription, you jackasses.

W. CallahanSolana Beach, California

W. Callahan unit,
People in the future get their asses capped, but I think it’s a different thing than what you’re talking about. The ass-capping procedure entails a fake plastic ass being fitted directly onto a human ass. It’s usually done on saggy or mutilated asses, but is becoming quite popular with men in their thirties.

ADD ANOTHER LOST SOUL TO THE ARMED FORCES
I used to live in Carlsbad, California on Tamarack next to the Vons shopping center, and then I joined the Navy. Now I live in Chicago where it’s still cold. They don’t even sell surf mags up here. So I need your magazine to feed my hunger for surf. All I have, as far as the waves go, are the six-inch barrels on Lake Michigan (shitty). They don’t have any surf stores around here, and I don’t wear that shitty Nautica or Tommy Hilfiger crap. So if you guys could send catalogs of some shit¿I’d really appreciate it, thanks. Anyway, my shirt size is medium or large. You guys might know my cousin, Mike Broker, he’s a rep for some San Clemente companies, but he’s from Carlsbad.

Christopher J. Hausimk
Chicago, Illinois

Christopher J. Hausimk unit,
The best part of the future is the games humans play. One game is called Grab-Ass. It’s when eight players enter a small twenty- by twenty-foot gamespace. All contestants are armed with electro-gloves, and the point is to grab as much ass as possible. Teams consist of four male players under sixteen, and four male players over 50. It’s becoming quite popular in the Midwest.aid, “Leave!”

So I said “Make me!”

The teach said, “Leave, or I’ll get Officer Cromie!”

So I grabbed my tunes and walked toward the door. But the highlight¿I bitch-slapped the poseur on the way out and he pissed and whined and said he was the f¿ker who keyed my piece of shit beach buggy. So then I was on my way when I saw his 2000 Mustang convertible in the parking lot all by itself. I’ll put it like this¿he won’t be driving anywhere anytime soon! Oops, my bad. I just wanted you guys to know about my fight for true surfers worldwide. Bobby Ulloon
Dickinson, Texas

Bobby Ulloon unit,
Wow! In the future, you’d be called a T.B.A.J.S.B., which stands for “Totally Bad-Assed Jock Surfer Bro.” You’d be forced to wear a shirt that said “Poseur Patrol,” and would be in charge of making sure that only real surfers got to wear all the cool surfer clothes. You’d have to carry around a “surfer card” in order to wear cool surfer clothes. It’s a hard job, but it pays well. And people are super stoked to hang out with you. DON’T BE STUPID ALL YOUR LIFE
I got your new issue with Ratboy pulling a sick air on the cover. I see Ratboy’s got a big hand drawn on the bottom of his board, flipping the finger. I get it. That’s really funny¿heh, heh, heh. He’s flipping off his sponsors … wait a minute … that doesn’t make sense, he wouldn’t flip off his sponsors. Oh, now I get it¿he’s giving the old F.U. to the photographer. That’s hilarious. Hey, wait a minute that doesn’t make sense¿he needs photos. I’m confused, is he flipping the wave off? His board? The world? Hey! Maybe TransWorld’s flipping me off! Listen here, you muthaf¿kas, I’ll cap your ass! You sorry sons of bitches! I know where you live! That does it! Cancel my prescription¿I mean subscription, you jackasses.

W. CallahanSolana Beach, California

W. Callahan unit,
People in the future get their asses capped, but I think it’s a different thing than what you’re talking about. The ass-capping procedure entails a fake plastic ass being fitted directly onto a human ass. It’s usually done on saggy or mutilated asses, but is becoming quite popular with men in their thirties.

ADD ANOTHER LOST SOUL TO THE ARMED FORCES
I used to live in Carlsbad, California on Tamarack next to the Vons shopping center, and then I joined the Navy. Now I live in Chicago where it’s still cold. They don’t even sell surf mags up here. So I need your magazine to feed my hunger for surf. All I have, as far as the waves go, are the six-inch barrels on Lake Michigan (shitty). They don’t have any surf stores around here, and I don’t wear that shitty Nautica or Tommy Hilfiger crap. So if you guys could send catalogs of some shit¿I’d really appreciate it, thanks. Anyway, my shirt size is medium or large. You guys might know my cousin, Mike Broker, he’s a rep for some San Clemente companies, but he’s from Carlsbad.

Christopher J. Hausimk
Chicago, Illinois

Christopher J. Hausimk unit,
The best part of the future is the games humans play. One game is called Grab-Ass. It’s when eight players enter a small twenty- by twenty-foot gamespace. All contestants are armed with electro-gloves, and the point is to grab as much ass as possible. Teams consist of four male players under sixteen, and four male players over 50. It’s becoming quite popular in the Midwest.