Mailbomb

with Chris “My Ass” Cote

In order to answer this month’s letters with the toughest, most testosterone-filled attitude, I decided to take three Super Macho High-Potency Formula Bovine Glandular Concentrate Pills (that’s cow sperm to the layman). After about twenty minutes, I felt more macho and much tougher. When the full effect of the Super Macho kicked in, I was straight-up pissed off! Here’s what I had to say:

 

OKAY, HERE’S A LETTER FROM AN ANGRY OLD GUY
I first went to Kaua‘i in 1968. Brewer took me there so I could ride his new boards. My best board was a five-eight tri-fin that I rode in eight- to ten-foot barrels at a place we called “Acid Drops.” It was “Acid Drops” because that’s what we did there that day. Myself and many others were doing what the kids are doing now and nobody knew because there were no cameras and fame was lame. We surfed for the love of it and we ripped small Brewer tri-fins on acid. Kaua‘i was beautiful back then–no people, just unridden barrels. There’s a lot more that I could tell you, but this is it, for now …
Dave Abbott
Big Island, Hawai‘i
P.S. No bullshit punks!

 

Dave,
First off, don’t make me fly to Hawai‘i to kick your ass. Second, when my dad was a kid, he used to do 360 airs on a kneeboard after walking ten miles in the snow with a pregnant wife in one hand and a five-seven twin-fin in the other. I think maybe you just hallucinated and thought you were in Kaua‘i with Brewer, but you were really in Texas with a guy named Butch.

 

ASHER NOLAN’S BIGGEST FAN
What’s going on? My name is Stephanie and I’ve been reading TransWorld for the last three months, and I have to admit you guys are pretty cool. Where else can girls read funny-ass mail and these great stories? The pictures kick ass, too–mad props to the photographers! I just wanted you guys to know that I’m a huge fan and remember my name when I open up my surf shop and become really famous and marry Asher Nolan! Okay? Sweet!
Stephanie Olivo
Tampa, Florida
P.S. Can you send much, much love to Asher Nolan? Tell him I’ve been in love with him ever since he visited Cocoa Beach.

 

Sweetest Stephanie,
I’ll kick ass over any photographers on our staff. Asher Nolan has fine taste in women, so you better get famous or rich to please him. Don’t just think a sweet letter and some memories will win his heart. It takes effort, courage, and luck. Go to every surf contest on the East Coast, and you may see him again. If you do see him, just tackle him–hard.

 

DUDE LOVES GAVIN, WHAT CAN WE SAY?
In that article when you guys interviewed Gavin Beschen at his house or something Volume One, Number Four, did you have a picture to go along with it or was that it? Another question, do you know what FAB means? Gavin’s my favorite surfer and he always has that on his board. I was just wondering if you knew. A response would be dope.
Kel
Silicon Valley, California

 

Kel,
I seriously hope you’re a girl, ’cause if you’re not, I’m gonna come over to your house and kick your ass for being a little wuss. Yes, dummy, there was a photo with the article. It was about one centimeter above the words you read about Gavin. I don’t know for sure, but I think FAB means “F–ked At Birth.” Good slogan, don’t you think?

 

CHICK LOVES BRUCE, WHAT CAN WE SAY?
I just wanted to say thanks for putting such a great mag on the market. I love your mag and I always run to the mailbox to get it. I really loved your interview with Bruce Irons, and I kept the mag for about a month, until my loser brother stole it from me, tore out the pages of your awesome mag, and plastered them to his walls. I was wondering, where can I get another copy of that mag?hanks for your time, and sorry to inconvenience you with this boring letter.

You probably don’t care, but I’m so fed up with people who claim to be surfers because they wear their little Hurley shirts or have a Rip Curl backpack. Yeah, it’s nice they support the surf companies, but it pisses the heck out of me. If they’re truely a surfer, they’d paddle their sorry ass out and actually surf, not just be a damn poseur and say they surf. Anyways, sorry to complain so much! Also, if it’s possible, do you have any posters or pics of Bruce Irons you could send me? I’m willing to pay money! Thanks for your time!
Kristy
littlsurfergirl@aol.com

 

Kristy,
If you want, I could come over and beat the hell out of your little brother. As for the poseurs at your school, one time this guy came up to me and said he was a surfer, so I just punched him. It was really cool. The cops arrested me, but that was fun–jail is rad! There’s free food and hot showers with tons of friends–you should try it.

 

DUDE LOVES GOD, WHAT CAN WE SAY?
Thank you for being so helpful to my short-term surf-movie career by reviewing my last video. Teardevils Three was all the more satisfying for me after it’s great review in this magazine. The reason I’m writing is to hopefully dispel a lot of the image of myself that my movies presented.

I recently made a firm decision to follow Jesus Christ for the rest of my life. I’ve been across the world seeking fulfillment, and practiced many beliefs, but nothing I’ve experienced compares to the authenticity and truth presented in The Bible.

This belief is sadly trivialized to the point of almost being forgotten by our “modern” society, and replaced with goals of power, social standing, and immoral sexual conquest. I wish to encourage everyone in this industry packed full of materialism, egoism, and transparent idols to please consider the welfare of your soul–rather than which new SUV to buy.

Hey kids, you want a truly alternative lifestyle? Try living for Christ. He asks for very little in return for eternal life. If you want proof, there’s plenty, and it will be the best decision of your life, I promise!
Jesse Schluntz
captaincarrot55@hotmail.com

 

Yo Jesse,
Speaking of The Bible, one time this guy threw one at me in court. I tore him a new ass, if you know what I mean. So yeah, I went back in the can. Who cares? I finally learned how to break a guy’s arm with a toothpick and a staple gun.

 

DUMBASS GIRL
I picked up your latest issue for the first time the other day. Guess what? There was a third of the surfing population (girls) not even mentioned! Not even an ad (Reef girls don’t count), and one article on your Web site isn’t going to cut it either! Good job representing women in your publications, you ignorant f–ks. Have you even been at the beach lately? We’re taking over, and your little weiners aren’t going to save you. I hope the next time you guys go out to the beach, every ride you try to get, you end up snaked by a woman. Oh, by the way–I want my $3.50 back.
Surf Cheetah
Huntington Beach, California

 

Dear Surf Cheetah,
You want your $3.50 back? You’ll have to come get it off of my cold, dead, rotten corpse, ’cause it’s never gonna happen. We love female surfers, but for some reason, we never see many shots of them. If you want a change so badly, where were you on the North Shore when Keala was busting airs? Where were you when Rochelle was charging Pipe? Get a camera, and help us out. Stop crying about it, and do something.

 

ROLLER SKATER
It was a warm August night and my friends and I had nothing to do. We haven’t surfed in a while because Huntington Beach, California was cursed with a terrible flat spell. We got the brilliant idea of going to a roller-skate rink and within an hour of our session, we decided we should just steal all the rollerskates we rented and go home to make a roller-skating video. So we did. We went to some local spots and filmed a bunch of footage. After the first review, we decided we needed more stuff, so we went down to the Block in Orange County on a Friday night when thousands of people are watching. We geared up in our best 80s clothing and got our skates fixed up. After scoping the park, we found one of the biggest jumps there and decided it would be our mission. We each went off one time, pulled it, and people cheered. Then I decided to try a 360 off the six-foot wall. I made the 360, but when I landed, I fell on my right leg–instant pain. The rollerskate was busted along with my right ankle. My parents had to come get me, and when I got to the doctor, he told me I was out of commision for three months. I probably should’t have gone roller-skating.
Jon Lofdahl
Newport Beach, California

P.S. I have enclosed a video, if you want to see the gruesome crash.

Jon,
I like to see pain on video. One time I filmed this guy getting run over by a pack of bikers with Jane Cosmetics jerseys on. All the bikers fell down and skinned their shaved legs. Most of the male bikers cried, but the girl ones were macho and just laughed with deep voices.
nk and within an hour of our session, we decided we should just steal all the rollerskates we rented and go home to make a roller-skating video. So we did. We went to some local spots and filmed a bunch of footage. After the first review, we decided we needed more stuff, so we went down to the Block in Orange County on a Friday night when thousands of people are watching. We geared up in our best 80s clothing and got our skates fixed up. After scoping the park, we found one of the biggest jumps there and decided it would be our mission. We each went off one time, pulled it, and people cheered. Then I decided to try a 360 off the six-foot wall. I made the 360, but when I landed, I fell on my right leg–instant pain. The rollerskate was busted along with my right ankle. My parents had to come get me, and when I got to the doctor, he told me I was out of commision for three months. I probably should’t have gone roller-skating.
Jon Lofdahl
Newport Beach, California

P.S. I have enclosed a video, if you want to see the gruesome crash.

Jon,
I like to see pain on video. One time I filmed this guy getting run over by a pack of bikers with Jane Cosmetics jerseys on. All the bikers fell down and skinned their shaved legs. Most of the male bikers cried, but the girl ones were macho and just laughed with deep voices.