The Gentle Cowboy Doesn’t Smoke Weed
In an ad featured in Snowboarder magazine, the best surfer in the world is shown wearing a cowboy hat and lots of makeup. The caption below it says, “Kelly Slater doesn’t smoke weed.” He’s telling the public that he thinks drugs are bad. Which they are, right?
Think of something good, win some shoes!
All right readers, have we got the reader participation contest for you! It’s quite simple¿all you have to do is write down on a piece of paper what you think DVS stands for. For example, Dave’s Vertical Snake, Dead Vermin Suck, or whatever¿you get the picture. The funniest, most original one wins some shoes and other items (if it’s too dirty to print we’ll still laugh at it and send you something). Send your entry in before April 25, 2000 via snail mail to:
“Dumb Value Scenario”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054
Surf Clowns: Seven Mental Missions
Illustrated by Charlie Lyon,
Written by Leslie Connell Lyon and Charlie Lyon
We know surfers can be clowns, and this comic book/novel illustrates what would happen if the red noses and makeup were permanent. Flame, Posing Dude, Lippy, My Wave, and Boo (the clown head on a stick) were surfing Maui, minding their own business on Metamorphic Monday, when all of a sudden, they transformed into clowns and became freedom fighters of the world.
The clowns battle the SPANKS (Silent Professional Assassin Ninja Kommando Society) with a backup crew¿including a scientist supermodel, and characters based on Gerry Lopez, Peter Mel, Dave Kalama, Peter Cabrina, and Archie Kalepa. The clowns are down with environmentalism and water safety (rescue scenes included)¿plus they’re ripping snowboarders.
Bright cartoonish drawings capture the high jinks of the clowns, and the story has an anti-corruption theme that’ll surely please the kiddies. Sequels are in the works, so don’t be surprised if the Surf Clowns become the next Pokémon.¿Lisa Minardi
How many times have you tried to look like you’re hard at work but couldn’t pull off the illusion because the stupid Internet’s too damn boring? What about the times you were looking at naughty stuff and got caught at work, or even worse, by your mommy? Thanks to the people at Bleem, these situations are no longer a problem. Bleem is a new software program that plays hundreds of PlayStation games on your PC. All you have to do is run the program, then insert your choice of the more than 300 PlayStation games that work with it. If you’re a real nerd, you can insert an advanced 3-D graphics card and play them with a much higher resolution. Bleem sells for $29.95 at most major retailers. For more information, check the Web site at bleem.com.¿A.C.
Aloha Surfboard Winner
Last issue we got our hands on a genuine Aloha Surfboard, and of course we had to give it away. So we had you fine people write us a story about surfing in Hawai’i. We received hundreds of tales of woe, bro, and hero. The best story, however, was a tale of female body parts and gross details. The winner of the custom Aloha boardis Penny Dinn from Hanalei, Hawai’i. Read on and you’ll see why.
Aloha TransWorld SURF,
Here’s my story: It was late November 1997 on the north shore of Kaua’i, and it’d been stormy and crappy for a couple of weeks, but I was determined to get some waves. The beachbreak was three to four feet, windy, and cold. “So what? ‘Chu goin out, sistah?” I heard from the truck of bruddahs who just pulled in.
“Yeah, I’m out there.” I was definitely out there, no matter what.
So I’m paddling out to the left down the beach from Pine Trees, and it was freezing. My magic six-four Steve Rex had never felt so unmagical before. A wave came, and I was on it. Okay, Ias almost in it. I looked down the line and it was gonna close out, so I was over it. I sat up, trying to back off the wave, but I was too late … I was going down. My board came out from under me, flipping forward, and the three fins were straight up, waiting for me to come plunging down on the top of them.
Then all I felt was excruciating pain throbbing between my legs¿it’s all a blur. I was getting thrown around, the board was whipping around, and it whipped me in the thigh and in the calf. I finally made it to shore, my magic board was buckled, and blood was running down both legs. I could barely walk, and I was in tears.
The doctor said I was lucky because all that happened was I scrapped a little bit off my vaginal wall and made a big purple hemmorroidial vein pop out of my butthole, as well as a few cuts here and there. I was laid out for a week or two (all parts out of order).
I’m better now¿private parts, confidence, and all. I learned to never hesitate. If you like go, then go. The magic board stay broke, I need a new one. Aloha nuiloa.
The TransWorld SURF Ocean & Earth Contest
Who the hell is Shane Werner?
Who hell is Shane Wehner? Do your homework and you just may be the lucky winner of a complete O&E package including a coffin with a day bag, two board socks, some new O&E traction, three leashes, a backpack, T-shirts, and a bunch of other widgets. Simply do some research, and send us a short paragraph on the life and accomplishments of Shane Wehner (hint: he’s an Aussie). The deadline is April 25, 2000, so hurry your ass up!
Send your entries via regular mail to:
“Who The Hell Is Shane Wehner?”
c/o TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054
Sing Yourself Silly!
Stand out in a crowd with your own personal karaoke system.
The great people at Radio Shack have released yet another amazing product for self-pleasure. The Karaoke Sing-Along is the smallest, lightest, most-colorful personal karaoke system ever invented. The sound quality is great and you can make your voice sound all echoey. Find some rad tapes, memorize them, hit the streets with your new toy, and sing with all your heart. Who knows? Maybe you could really annoy someone big and get punched in the face. The price for the Karaoke Sing-Along is around twenty bucks, and it sucks batteries like Rollerbladers suck¿a lot.¿C.C.
Musing Yooth Finally Come Through!
Since the beginning of our magazine, they’ve been sending in letters. Most are kinda shitty, but this one is awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce you to the comedy stylings of Musing Yooth. They didn’t win the contest, but they made me laugh.¿C.C.
More Fun With An Old Picture Taylor Took
This was too easy.
1. Sebastian, you know, the good-looking Oompa Loompa.
2. Rog from that hit black 80s sitcom, What’s Happening.
3. “Peace out, man!” It’s Jeffery Dahmer.
4. Cameron Diaz.
5. Rabbit Kekai.
6. Pat Morita.
8. Josh something, or maybe Luke. Yeah, he looks like a Luke.
10. It’s obviously Sean Penn. Check the evil sneer.
11. Malcom In The Middle.
12. Fred Savage.
Mimi The Intern Wants You!
My name is Mimi, and I’m going to be your favorite intern. I love helping people with problems, and, in general, I just love to talk. Being an intern is really hard work, but I’m here for you, the readers. I want to be someone you can talk to, and I can help with special answers to those special questions. Having trouble talking to girls? Boys confuse you? Can’t get your hair to make you look like you rip? I’ll be here for you. Just write to me with your question, and I’ll pour my heart into answering every one. Send me a picture of yourself, too¿I love pictures. Talk to you soon.
Photo caption: “I love wearing my bikini to work!”n, and I’ll pour my heart into answering every one. Send me a picture of yourself, too¿I love pictures. Talk to you soon.
Photo caption: “I love wearing my bikini to work!”