REMIX / REFLIX 3-3

Tortoise
Standards
Thrill Jockey Records
What can be said about the most amazing new style instrumental music to rub your eardrums since the great orchestras of the late 1920s? I’ve never heard the great orchestras of the late 1920s, but I’ll bet that Tortoise would wreck them in a jam-off.This group of genius Chicago residents have recreated instrumental music. They blend an intriguing mix of jazz, acid jazz, funk, electronica, trance, cowboy swing, eclectic rumba, rock, and a little bit of everything else to make the sound of Tortoise completely unique, and completely original.On their latest release, Standards, they bridge the gap from your brain to your soul with a flood of drums, vibes, guitars, bass, computers, and noises from beyond. Kind of like Herbie Hancock mixed with an instrumental Pink Floyd and a dash of Rush. You can’t compare Tortoise with anyone, so if you don’t own any Tortoise albums, that basically means you’re a Neanderthal. Go get the new Tortoise record.-C.C.

Blur
Greatest Hits
Food/EMI
Blur’s the Brit-pop band who gave the world that crowd-devastating anthem called “Song Two.” If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the song with the chorus that shouts, “Whoo-hoo.” If you don’t understand, sorry. Just go get this awesome Brit-pop bonanza and blast it in your car, bedroom, or living room. If you like Oasis or Supergrass, you’ll like Blur. If you don’t like Brit pop, you’re probably a stupid homophobe.-C.C.

Capone-N-Noreaga
The Reunion
Tommy Boy Records
The unstoppable duo of Capone-N-Noreaga are back on the grimy streets of hardass hip-hop. Their last record, The War Report, dropped in 1997, and was filled with street anthems and thugged-out livin’. They were on top of their shit when Capone got popped again by New York po-po.Two and a half years later, Capone gets out of the clink and the two get back together to record The Reunion. The guest roster includes Nas, Mobb Deep, Foxy Brown, and is followed through with tight production from DJ Premier, Havoc, L.E.S., The Alchemist, and Lord Finesse. While not as good as The War Report, The Reunion will lift any fan of C.N.N. spirit.-A.S.

Crom
The Cocaine Wars 1974-1989
Pessimiser Records
You’ve probably noticed that Crom’s logo is derived from the 1982 movie Conan The Barbarian-Conan prays to Crom, his deity. There’s also a leather-bikini-clad femme-fatale warrior riding a saddled polar bear on the cover. Any album with that shit on the cover is priceless, in my opinion.Crom’s music is basically all the best metal riffs from your favorite bands of the 80s-bands like early Van Halen, Black Sabbath, Slayer, Leeway, Celtic Frost, D.R.I., and a host of others. Crom takes their riffs and then adds its own barrage of grindcore-esque vocality and drummage. This CD is not to be taken seriously: the movie sound samples from Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke and Conan I and II will prove it. This is riff-poached 80s movie metal at its finest.-A.S.

Circle
Andexelt
Metamorphos
This instrumental indie rock from Finland is really cool. It’s just track after track of edgy riffs and driving bass and drums. Think Tortoise mixed with Don Caballero. This band may be hard to find, but when you do, you’ll be driving faster than you did before. This CD’s perfect for driving a fast car around in Germany, or better yet, Finland. I wonder if Arto likes these guys?-C.C.

Twiztid
Freek Show
Island Records
Hey, has anyone heard Twiztid? Well, I have. Once you put it into your CD player, you’re f-king doomed! The music is the Insane Clown Posse meets shit-if shit could make noise. They call themselves Serial Killaz, with an “az,” of course. When did it become cool to murder people? They rap, play metallic sounds, and sing about “bitches”-all the elements that compose bad taste. A very small amount of the population likes their music-they’ll die within the next year, because you can’t suive using negative-twenty percent of your brain.-J.M.

Xzibit
Restless
Loud Records
X to the muf-kin’ Z! The dopest rhyme sayer from Los Angeles is back with a big ol’ bang. This newest release is the hot shit, son. KRS-One is on this piece, as well as Dr. Dre and Erick Sermon (the green-eyed bandit), so you know this shit’s slammin’. Girls are into this album like Ethiopians are into food. Xzibit’s now blowin’ up on MTV, so you definitely have heard of him. It’s all about commercialism, baby!-A.S.

Megadeth
Capitol Punishment
Capitol Records
Megadeth kicks ass, we all know that. Why do we even have to tell you to go get this new album? You should already have it. Are you a wuss? Are you afraid of a little metal in your life? You should wake up, smell the guitar solos, pull your head out of your MTV ass, and listen to more Megadeth. If you’re already a fan, good for you. This new CD will be perfect for your next Dungeon and Dragons party.-C.C.

Blink-182
The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show
MCA Records
If you’ve never been to a Blink-182 show, you should really try to get out of your hole and make your way down to the local stadium to rock out. You will get sweaty, smelly, and horny while having the time of your life. Mark, Tom, and Travis will go to any measure to entertain you. All these elements are caught perfectly on this CD. Put it on at loud volume and play it for your parents-they’ll love all the jokes about farting, shitting, masturbating, and blowjobs. This is one of the best live CDs ever recorded. Go buy this now. If you don’t have it, your friends will hate you.-J.C.

Wu-Tang Clan
The W
Loud Records
There’s nothing funny I can say about these guys. They’re really serious dudes. This album sounds like all the rest of their previous stuff-lots of kung-fu-movie sound clips with some rappin’ and slangin’, as usual. The real question here is this: Do any of them really know any type of martial arts? They seem to be pretty keen on it, and that’s what they rap about.-J.M.

P’tahh
De’compressed
Ubiquity Records
This band has a weird name. I have a friend who has a weird name. His name is Dillion, not Dillon, but Dillion. He never calls me. Maybe it’s because he has mental problems. Anyway, I played this band for him and he put his wee-wee in the toaster. I think that means he likes this band. So yes, go buy this album. When you walk into the music store, dance around and say, “I’m looking for p’tahhhhhhhh, ppppppppp’tahhhhhh!” They’ll probably give it to you for free.-J.M.

fluf
I Know I’m Nobody
Cold Steel Facts
fluf has been a constant funnel of enjoyment for years. They play great rock and roll with good use of punk riffs and catchy breaks. Every fluf album gets better and better, and it’s evident on this new one. The single “Standing in Line” will make you want to tap your toes and clap your hands while holding a silly grin on your face. fluf is a smiley punk mainstay, so quit your rod whittling and go get this album, you sausage pie.-C.C.

J Mascis And The Fog
More Light
Ultimatum Music
J Mascis is the guitar legend and frontman to the awesome and groundbreaking rock-group Dinosaur Jr. His new band, J Mascis And The Fog, is kind of like Dinosaur, but prettier and happier. He sings the same way, but the background vocals blend better than before, and the songs have more hooks. Who knows? You might say it sounds exactly the same, but who cares? Dinosaur Jr. was rad, and so is J Mascis And The Fog.-C.C.

Reflix

O’Neill Presents Ratboy:
Quality Time With Jason Collins
O’Neill/Billygoat Productions
Jason Collins is Ratboy-he’s always been and he always will be. This new video follows the Rat from birth to adulthood, so the viewer gets an in-depth look at what makes the Rat squeak. Chock-full of the most stylish airs and some touching lifestyle, this video will make you strap up your booties and attempt to blast some Rat airs of your own. The coolest part of this video is the interviews with Ratmom and the guys from Santa Cruz. Rat’s a consistent air blaster with a super-mellow style that appears effortless. Another hit for the Billygoat crew.-C.C.

The Wrong Side:
An East Coast Project
Obscene Productions
The East Coast is valuable. It breeds young shreddendorfers who completely tear faces off unsuspecting tips of water columns. It’s interesting how intensely grandiose their styles fluctuate with practically no swell whatsoever. But when the air turns into crispy whiffs of static electricity and negative ions, these down-home “Cooters” (think Dukes Of Hazzard) really know how to turn on. I know this because I’ve lived it. I can’t even begin to explain it to you. It’s regional.-A.S.

Channel One: An Ocean & Earth Movie
Outerhand Productions
This is your stereotypical Aussie surf flick complete with crazy accents, typical Aussie behavior, barrels of barrels, and even an attempt at clowning the Crocodile Hunter from the Discovery Channel. Although touching on the corny side, I admit I got a few laughs watching the O&E guys give it their gusto on the transitional skits. From endless tube action, slashes, and the occasional ramp ups, this video’s worth seeking out. So there, Beau. Hope you liked the review about your damn video.-A.S.

Fluid Combustion 2K:
Pits In Paradise
A Larry Haynes Film
Larry Haynes has topped himself again with his latest release, Pits In Paradise. Larry’s unique angles and perspectives will trip you out, man. The “in the tube” footage of Manoa Drollet is amazing-the best use of a cameraboard ever. As the title says, most of this movie’s pits in paradise are at locations like Tahiti, Sumatra, and Hawai’i. The downside: The music is white-boy reggae meets bad punk, and the movie’s a bit Tahiti heavy. If you like barrels, you’ll love Pits In Paradise. This video has been out for a while, but the footage is timeless.-C.C.To order, call 1-800-2-INSANE or log on to www.fluidvision.com.

E2K:
5 Months In Europe
Chilli Video
Europe is a cool place. This new video is a great example of what you’ll see if you go there during the time of the ASP World Tour. There’s great footage of all your favorites, ranging from Kelly Slater, Ozzie Wright, and Sunny Garcia. The footage is clean and the editing is stylish. The music is a cool blend of Euro-pop and Euro-techno. Overall, this is a great video. The intros are handled by Elko and Carwyn Williams, who do a great job while playing a round of golf. Highlights include: Mundaka, Hossegor, Shane Beschen, and Cory Lopez.-C.C.Check out E2K at chillivideo.com.

Sticky Bumps
Team Files
TVG Productions
More than likely, you’ll see this video playing in the Sticky Bumps booth this year’s ASR tradeshow. Travis Mellem is my favorite little kid surfer. He did this one frontside slash where he whipped around super quick-it looked cool. Other reasons to stand in front of their booth and watch are: Tory Barron, Jun Jo, Matt Coleman, Tim Frisk, Layne Harrison, Sean Moody, Bron Huessenstamm, and Jason Shibata. The footage of Sunny in Hawai’i is awesome, but the “unseen” footage of him in two-foot slop is pointless. The soundtrack sent me into pop-punk hell, but hey, that’s what the mute button is for, right?-C.C.

Hit And Run
Poor Specimen DVD
DVDs are so much better than videos. In the new-and-improved version of Hit And Run, you get more interviews, unreleased footage, better voiceovers, and easy access to your favorite sections. Personally, I like to watch Donavon’s part with some Sabbath on my stereo. Get the DVD and a DVD player-you’ll impress your friends, and they’ll come over to your house more often and eat your food. Matt and Jeff are lovers.-C.C.

The Smiths
The Complete Picture
Warner Bros. DVD
The Smiths is the greatest band to listen to if you just got dumped oro blast some Rat airs of your own. The coolest part of this video is the interviews with Ratmom and the guys from Santa Cruz. Rat’s a consistent air blaster with a super-mellow style that appears effortless. Another hit for the Billygoat crew.-C.C.

The Wrong Side:
An East Coast Project
Obscene Productions
The East Coast is valuable. It breeds young shreddendorfers who completely tear faces off unsuspecting tips of water columns. It’s interesting how intensely grandiose their styles fluctuate with practically no swell whatsoever. But when the air turns into crispy whiffs of static electricity and negative ions, these down-home “Cooters” (think Dukes Of Hazzard) really know how to turn on. I know this because I’ve lived it. I can’t even begin to explain it to you. It’s regional.-A.S.

Channel One: An Ocean & Earth Movie
Outerhand Productions
This is your stereotypical Aussie surf flick complete with crazy accents, typical Aussie behavior, barrels of barrels, and even an attempt at clowning the Crocodile Hunter from the Discovery Channel. Although touching on the corny side, I admit I got a few laughs watching the O&E guys give it their gusto on the transitional skits. From endless tube action, slashes, and the occasional ramp ups, this video’s worth seeking out. So there, Beau. Hope you liked the review about your damn video.-A.S.

Fluid Combustion 2K:
Pits In Paradise
A Larry Haynes Film
Larry Haynes has topped himself again with his latest release, Pits In Paradise. Larry’s unique angles and perspectives will trip you out, man. The “in the tube” footage of Manoa Drollet is amazing-the best use of a cameraboard ever. As the title says, most of this movie’s pits in paradise are at locations like Tahiti, Sumatra, and Hawai’i. The downside: The music is white-boy reggae meets bad punk, and the movie’s a bit Tahiti heavy. If you like barrels, you’ll love Pits In Paradise. This video has been out for a while, but the footage is timeless.-C.C.To order, call 1-800-2-INSANE or log on to www.fluidvision.com.

E2K:
5 Months In Europe
Chilli Video
Europe is a cool place. This new video is a great example of what you’ll see if you go there during the time of the ASP World Tour. There’s great footage of all your favorites, ranging from Kelly Slater, Ozzie Wright, and Sunny Garcia. The footage is clean and the editing is stylish. The music is a cool blend of Euro-pop and Euro-techno. Overall, this is a great video. The intros are handled by Elko and Carwyn Williams, who do a great job while playing a round of golf. Highlights include: Mundaka, Hossegor, Shane Beschen, and Cory Lopez.-C.C.Check out E2K at chillivideo.com.

Sticky Bumps
Team Files
TVG Productions
More than likely, you’ll see this video playing in the Sticky Bumps booth this year’s ASR tradeshow. Travis Mellem is my favorite little kid surfer. He did this one frontside slash where he whipped around super quick-it looked cool. Other reasons to stand in front of their booth and watch are: Tory Barron, Jun Jo, Matt Coleman, Tim Frisk, Layne Harrison, Sean Moody, Bron Huessenstamm, and Jason Shibata. The footage of Sunny in Hawai’i is awesome, but the “unseen” footage of him in two-foot slop is pointless. The soundtrack sent me into pop-punk hell, but hey, that’s what the mute button is for, right?-C.C.

Hit And Run
Poor Specimen DVD
DVDs are so much better than videos. In the new-and-improved version of Hit And Run, you get more interviews, unreleased footage, better voiceovers, and easy access to your favorite sections. Personally, I like to watch Donavon’s part with some Sabbath on my stereo. Get the DVD and a DVD player-you’ll impress your friends, and they’ll come over to your house more often and eat your food. Matt and Jeff are lovers.-C.C.

The Smiths
The Complete Picture
Warner Bros. DVD
The Smiths is the greatest band to listen to if you just got dumped or your parents hate you. The only thing better than listening to The Smiths is watching them. This DVD contains all the greatest Smiths videos to songs like “Girlfriend In A Coma,” “This Charming Man,” “The Boy With The Thorn In His Side,” and all the other classics that’ll make you happy to be miserable. I like to try to make the face that Morrissey makes when he sings-you know, that pouty Euro face. He’s my favorite asexual guy.-C.C.

Beastie Boys
The Criterion Collection
Grand Royal DVD
Everybody loves the Beastie Boys. If you really, really love them, you should definitely go get a DVD player and buy this collection of Beastie Boys videos. There’s extra-special behind-the-scenes footage, three or four angles of all the videos, interviews-just all kinds of crazy Beastie stuff that’ll entertain you. You can even create your own videos for all your favorite songs. “Sabotage” is the greatest video ever. It’d be cool to be a Beastie Boy.-C.C.

d or your parents hate you. The only thing better than listening to The Smiths is watching them. This DVD contains all the greatest Smiths videos to songs like “Girlfriend In A Coma,” “This Charming Man,” “The Boy With The Thorn In His Side,” and all the other classics that’ll make you happy to be miserable. I like to try to make the face that Morrissey makes when he sings-you know, that pouty Euro face. He’s my favorite asexual guy.-C.C.

Beastie Boys
The Criterion Collection
Grand Royal DVD
Everybody loves the Beastie Boys. If you really, really love them, you should definitely go get a DVD player and buy this collection of Beastie Boys videos. There’s extra-special behind-the-scenes footage, three or four angles of all the videos, interviews-just all kinds of crazy Beastie stuff that’ll entertain you. You can even create your own videos for all your favorite songs. “Sabotage” is the greatest video ever. It’d be cool to be a Beastie Boy.-C.C.