Eight Sea Beasts You Should Avoid Like The Plague
If an intruder comes into your home when you’re sleeping, do you wake up and make the intruder cookies? No, you jump up butt naked out of bed and start swinging lamps or chairs to kill the intruder or knock him out until the police come. It’s the same thing for sea creatures. Do you think they should just sit dormant and ignore you when you come in their homes and invade their privacy? Should they just let you eat them with wasabi and soy sauce without a fight? The answer is no, they have the right to fight back, and you could be the one who’s on a platter if you tangle with one of these beasts of the deep.-Chris Cotà‡
1. Box Jellyfish
These bastards can kill you by just rubbing up against you (kind of like when you rub up against Jessica Simpson with an erection and her bodyguard smashes your head against a curb). Also known as a sea wasp, the box jellyfish uses deadly stinging cells located on long tentacles (up to fifteen feet) covered with over 5,000 nematosis cells that act as the stingers. Imagine getting stung by a thousand wasps at one time. Other great aspects of this underwater day-ruiner are that they are almost invisible, they can grow to the size of basketballs (not including the tentacles), and they can kill you within three minutes. If you’d like, you can find box jellyfish waiting to kill you in the waters of Northern Australia and some parts of the Indian Ocean. Don’t worry about sharks anymore, these sons of bitches kill more people than sharks, crocodiles, and stonefish combined. If you get stung, you better hope it’d in a hospital parking lot, because you have little to no chance of living if you’re not helped within the first few minutes of the sting. The only defense is a silly one-wearing women’s panty hose can prevent the tentacles from touching your skin. It’s an old Aussie trick.
2. Blue-Ringed Octopus
Watch out for this small, beautiful, alien murderer with eight legs-it carries enough poison to kill 26 adults. About the size of a golf ball, these little pricks hide in little holes and shallow tide pools in Japan and Australia. These little reef dwellers are generally dark brown and yellow, but when they get pissed, they turn bright blue and yellow-if you see blue, you’re doomed. They use their powerful little beaks to bite you and inject deadly poison that basically paralyzes you; you go blind and into respiratory arrest within three minutes. You can survive a blue-ringed octopus bite with constant CPR-up to 24 hours of it. The only good thing about these kooks is their nickname, which is not fitting whatsoever-the BRO (blue-ringed octopus). Don’t stress too hard though, BROs only come out at night. So steer clear of bare-footed reef walking at midnight in Japan.
3. Great White Shark
Who can forget the scariest of all sea creatures? Ol’ whitey is the top of the food chain, and since its big breakthrough performance in Jaws part one through four (five was shit), humans have been terrified of these bullies of the deep in every way. Great white sharks can reach lengths of up to twenty feet and can weigh over 5,000 pounds. That’s bigger than a Volkswagen bus, but you won’t be smoking herb and listening to the Grateful Dead in the belly of this beast-you’ll be resting in many pieces. Whiteys are frequently sighted off the coast of California in the months of October through March. They’re usually pretty deep, but sometimes they come right up to shore to say hello. Great whites usually use the surprise attack method of coming up from underneath, but if you’re staring into the blank eyes of one of these terrors, simply hit it in the nose or on the gills-it’s so easy to fight these things.
No, this fish is not stoned, it’s just lazy, and if you step on it, you may die. Stonefish chill out in shallow water disguised as a rock or stone. They have a row of spines along their backs that when steppeed on, shoot venom deep into the wound. This fish is the most venomous fish out there and can stab through reef walkers or shoes. If you have the misfortune of stepping on one of these hidden gems, you’ll notice a horrible, excruciating pain shooting up through your foot and into your body. If you don’t go into shock or paralysis, you’re a tough motherf-ker. If not treated immediately, death can occur. Heard the phrase, “Watch that first step, it’s a doozy”?
5. Sea Snakes
Indiana Jones once said, “Snakes, I hate snakes.” Boy, was he right. There’re over 80 known species of deadly sea snakes, and without treatment, death is eminent. These snakes are generally about three feet long, and one of the most common breeds is black and white striped and found all over Indonesia and the South Pacific-you’ll definitely see one if you go to Tavarua. While its venom is deadly, most sea snakes have tiny mouths and could hardly fit it around your toe. These calm creatures are docile and slow, but if you screw with them too much, they’ll strike and insert twenty times the venom of a cobra right into your veins. After about 30 minutes, you’ll start to stiffen up and ache-get yourself to the doctor a.s.a.p.!
6. Colossal Squid
Giant squids are pretty sketchy, but shit, what about a colossal squid? These colossal animals are only found in the deepest water and only two complete specimens have ever been found. Nevertheless, their arms are up to sixteen feet long and have swiveling hooks on the end of two of them, their eyes are the size of Frisbees, and of the two squids found, one had pieces of sperm whale in it’s stomach-that right there shows you colossal squids are not to be messed with. Be careful if you happen to be deep deep sea diving off of Antarctica.
7. Cone Shells
Try explaining to your friends in heaven (or hell) that you died because you stepped on a snail-you’ll be laughed off your cloud and hit in the head with a harp on your way to hades. These small-shelled wonders sit and wait for a fish to swim over them, and then, bam, they shoot a barbed harpoon out and poison their prey. Let’s say your foot happens to be mistaken for a fish, you get barbed, you start to feel weak and uncoordinated, and you start talking gibberish-no, you have not become Donald Rumsfield. You’ve been nailed by a snail. In theory (whose I don’t know), one cone shell holds enough venom to kill 700 humans.
8. Deep-Sea Anglerfish
These things aren’t necessarily deadly, but they’re so weird that they have to be involved with this article. Deep-sea anglerfish have been described as “grotesque” and “devilish.” This fish has a small lure that extends off the top of its head that has a glowing tip, kind of like a lantern on a stick. The lantern lights up the fish’s demonic face and lets the deep-sea world see its jacked grill. Another cool thing about the deep-sea angler is its sex life. When a male finds a female, it will bite into her side and not let go. A few females have been found with six males attached to her, kind of like Paris Hilton, and the male drinks her blood while giving her sperm in an act of sexual vampirism-awesome!