The Cards Hold The ASP Future

TransWorld SURF consults Madame Violet and her tarot cards.

We’re gonna be straight with all you readers¿we don’t know shit. We especially don’t know shit about the ASP tour, nor will we pretend to. For as much as we follow it, post results, and interview the surfers, we have no idea who’s groin is hurting or who’s having problems with their girlfriends. We could try to put our spins on it, but the fact is, we’d probably pick another Australian to win¿a fast- driving, V.B.-swilling, damn Aussie.

To combat it, we consulted our local tarot-card reader, Madame Violet, for her predictions on how the Americans and the top five will do next season on the World Championship Tour. Madame Violet’s system was simple: shuffle cards a certain number of times, pull a card up, and translate it with the use of her knowledge and feelings.

The cards are translated differently depending on whether they’re right side up or inverted. The following are the results from lowest to highest seeds:

45. Keith Malloy¿Keith has an inverted chariot card. The keywords for this card are riot, quarrel, dispute, and defeat. The chariot is about contests and the journey involved. According to Madame Violet, Keith will have the jitters his first year on tour. As a result, he’ll go berserk with of all the women on the world tour. His newfound love for partying will fill out his belly and add power to his act.

41. Ben Bourgeois¿The inverted world card. The keywords are inertia, stagnation, and permanence. “Although it seems he won’t do very well, he can’t take it bad or he’ll go in a slump,” says Madame Violet. As she see’s it, Ben’s gonna take a lickin’ in his rookie year and take it out on Tim Curran. Ben will no doubt get into a slap fight with Timmy, and one of them may cry. The predicted finish: lower thirties.

38. Taylor Knox¿The inverted chariot card. The keywords are riot, quarrel, dispute, and defeat. Again, like Keith Malloy, the card means he’s gonna have a hard time with this journey. The Madame agrees, “Something’s gonna happen to throw him off. A fight or something will cause problems for his mindset and he won’t perform to par.” Taylor’s trials and tribulations of the last couple of years will come to a head when he breaks training in Australia, eats a bad meat pie, becomes delirious, and tries to fight Rabbit. Predicted finish: mid-thirties.

37. Damien Hobgood¿The fool card right side up. The keywords are folly, mania, extravagance, intoxication, delirium, and frenzy. “He’s not gonna do too well ’cause he’s too excited¿too happy,” explains Madame Violet. Damien’s sheer excitement of making the tour will catch up with him when he contracts a venereal disease in Tahiti and suffers the rest of the year. Predicted finish: lower thirties.

35. Shawn Sutton¿The death card right side up. This card’s not what it seems¿it doesn’t mean physical death, but throwing out the old and coming in with the new. “This is a transitional card. This could be the year to build up and turn a new leaf,” states Madame Violet. Shawn’ll decide that the only way he’s gonna make the top sixteen is by taking steroids. This will backfire when Tour Director Al Hunt sees Shawn spraying spectators on the Huntington pier and institutes the tour’s first-ever “random” drug testing. Predicted finish: forties.

25. Pat O’Connell¿The devil card right side up. The keywords are ravage, extraordinary effort, black magic, bondage, and forces of evil. “For Pat, it’s not a positive outlook either. There’s something hanging onto him not allowing him to do well,” says a suspicious Madame Violet. While filming in Africa for Endless Summer 3, Pat will snake a local chief who’ll curse him to surf with a stiff right leg. Predicted finish: lower thirties.

24. Shane Beschen¿The high priestess card right side up. The keywords are wisdom, spirituality, and bored with earthly things. “I can’t tell what the results will be, but he’ll be happy with his surfing,” says Madame Violet. Shane will learn to levitate in India and surprise the world by hovering his airs in his heats. Predicted finish: higher teens.

21. Cory Lopez¿The magician card right side up. The keywords are skill, diplomacy, self-confidence, and will. The magician card gives the illusion of positivity to begin with, however, according to Madame Violet, it doesn’t feel like a positive card. As competition grows between Cory and Shea, Cory’ll sneak into Shea’s bunk in G-Land and put a sleeping rat on his pillow. Shea will return, get bitten by the rat, and have to go home for a rabies shot. Predicted finish: higher twenties.

18. C.J. Hobgood¿The justice card right side up. The keywords are rightness, equity, justice, a warlike tendency, and having the world in your hands. Madame Violet’s reading is unclear: “There’s no question of where he’ll end up¿it can’t be positive or negative.” C.J.’s warlike tendency will go a little too far when he puts a Roofie in his brother’s cereal the morning of their first heat against each other. Predicted finish: higher twenties.

17. Kalani Robb¿The inverted temperance card. This is a religious card, or one having to do with things connected to churches, disunion, unfortunate combinations, and competing interests. Madame Violet warns, “Outside influences will pull him and affect his surfing.” Kalani’s million-dollar contract with Jordache will fall through making it hard for him to forget the designer jeans with a big “K” embossed on the pocket. Predicted finish: high teens.

15. Ross Williams¿The lover’s card right side up. The keywords are attraction, love, beauty, and trials overcome. This is the most positive card. It doesnt mean anything about lovers, it means more of a happiness¿whatever he’s most connected to will be happy. “He should be in a place where he can enjoy things and be happy¿he should surf very well,” says Madame Violet. While in France, Ross’ll decide to train with Ronald from Rock Food and turn out to be most improved party animal. Predicted finish: top ten.

14. Rob Machado¿The inverted wheel of fortune. The keywords are an increase in abundance and super fluidity. A rather optimistic Madame replies, “With the luck of waves on his side, he’ll finish in the top ten. I’m getting more of a positive feeling off this card.” In an effort to improve his surfing even more, Rob’ll lose enough weight to be aided by the wind, thus enabling him to get around more sections. Predicted finish: top five

13. Shea Lopez¿The inverted justice card. The keywords are bigotry, bias, and excessive severity. “I’m getting the feeling he’ll do something bad that’s not a big deal, but will keep him from doing well this year,” warns Madame Violet. Not realizing the results of his actions, Shea’ll confront a big Tahitian local and tell him to beat it. In return, Mr. Lopez’ll get beat about the breast, chest, neck, and head. Predicted finish: high teens.

11. Shane Dorian¿The Hierophant card right side up. The keywords are a marriage of alliance, captivity, servitude, mercy, goodness, and inspiration. Madame Violet’s words of wisdom: “Something will happen to bring him down a notch. He’ll step back to look at what he’s doing that’s causing him not to do well, learn from it, then do well with a personal education.” Shane will suddenly decide to be an air guy. Every heat, he’ll just go out and bust huge airs. He’ll then start hanging with Beschen and Cory, and pick up Lost as his board sponsor. Predicted finish: high teens.

6. Tim Curran¿The devil card right side up. Like O’Connell’s, it means bondage, black magic, and evil influences. “Something is holding him back, an outside influence like bad luck or bad arrangements¿something he’s not in control of,” warns Madame Violet. Trying to save money, Tim’ll change his image to the tour dirtbag, wear the same shirt and trunks combo for a year straight, grow a beard, and become a rastafarian. Predicted finish: lower top ten.

5. Mick Campbell¿The tower card right side up. Keywords are misery, distress, adversity, calamity, disgrace, and ruin. According to Madame Violet, the card means you built a beautiful tower, but you can’t get back down. Something so bad happens that it makes you jump from the tower¿it’s a super-negative card. Mick’ll shock the tour by protesting the Pipe Masters. He’ll sit on third reef with Briley, and his taking off on competitors means Pete Johnson will have to drag him in by his hair. Predicted finish: lower top ten.

4. Sunny Garcia¿The inverted high priestess card. The keywords are passion, moral or physical ardor (intense passion), and surface knowledge. Even though everything’s there, the card doesn’t feel positive for Madame Violet. “It’s all looking positive, but doesn’t feel right.” Sunny’s intensity will show when a shark tries to bite him in Japan and he bites it back. Predicted finish: top two.

3. Victor Ribas¿The inverted emperor card. The keywords are benevolence, compassion, credit, confusion to enemies, obstruction, and immaturity. According to Madame Violet, even though he should do well, it’s not the right year. Although his surfing’s good, Victor’ll get a late growth spurt that throws him off. Predicted finish: top five.

2. Taj Burrow¿The star card right side up. There are two readings for this card. Madame Violet said his should be the good one with keywords like hope and bright prospects. The star is a water card, which for a surfer is positive. It also has a naked woman on it, which for Taj is good in other ways. Need we say more? Predicted finish: top two.

1. Mark Occhilupo¿Hopefully Occy isn’t superstitious. The inverted fool card fell out of the deck twice and Madame Violet couldn’t avoid it. The keywords are negligence, absence, carelessness, apathy, and nullity. She said the keywords and ended it at that. Halfway through the tour, the Prime Minister of Australia will step down and the people’ll vote Occy in. Predicted finish: long live the king!rns Madame Violet. Trying to save money, Tim’ll change his image to the tour dirtbag, wear the same shirt and trunks combo for a year straight, grow a beard, and become a rastafarian. Predicted finish: lower top ten.

5. Mick Campbell¿The tower card right side up. Keywords are misery, distress, adversity, calamity, disgrace, and ruin. According to Madame Violet, the card means you built a beautiful tower, but you can’t get back down. Something so bad happens that it makes you jump from the tower¿it’s a super-negative card. Mick’ll shock the tour by protesting the Pipe Masters. He’ll sit on third reef with Briley, and his taking off on competitors means Pete Johnson will have to drag him in by his hair. Predicted finish: lower top ten.

4. Sunny Garcia¿The inverted high priestess card. The keywords are passion, moral or physical ardor (intense passion), and surface knowledge. Even though everything’s there, the card doesn’t feel positive for Madame Violet. “It’s all looking positive, but doesn’t feel right.” Sunny’s intensity will show when a shark tries to bite him in Japan and he bites it back. Predicted finish: top two.

3. Victor Ribas¿The inverted emperor card. The keywords are benevolence, compassion, credit, confusion to enemies, obstruction, and immaturity. According to Madame Violet, even though he should do well, it’s not the right year. Although his surfing’s good, Victor’ll get a late growth spurt that throws him off. Predicted finish: top five.

2. Taj Burrow¿The star card right side up. There are two readings for this card. Madame Violet said his should be the good one with keywords like hope and bright prospects. The star is a water card, which for a surfer is positive. It also has a naked woman on it, which for Taj is good in other ways. Need we say more? Predicted finish: top two.

1. Mark Occhilupo¿Hopefully Occy isn’t superstitious. The inverted fool card fell out of the deck twice and Madame Violet couldn’t avoid it. The keywords are negligence, absence, carelessness, apathy, and nullity. She said the keywords and ended it at that. Halfway through the tour, the Prime Minister of Australia will step down and the people’ll vote Occy in. Predicted finish: long live the king!