The Future Of Surf Photography
TransWorld SURF takes a look into the future and finds out what photography will be like in the year 2017.
Surf photography has been around since the early 1800s when a pirate tried to shoot a Polynesian wave rider with a cannon. The cannon backfired and made a huge explosion. When the smoke cleared, the shape of the wave rider was blasted into the side of the pirate ship-true story. That being the beginning, let’s see what lies in the future of surf photography.-Chris Cote
We all love those irie shots from inside the barrel. The problem is, today’s surfers have to strap heavy helmets onto their heads and struggle with a top-heavy tube style. In the future, scientists will graft tiny digital cameras directly into the eye of the tube rider. A microscopic cord will attach to the miniscule camera that leads from the eye, through the brain, down through the spine where the surfer will have to choose between two different types of ports for downloading the photo. The first choice has the wire leading into the penis; the photos are downloaded by putting the penis into a specially designed hard drive-downloading only takes a minute, sometimes even shorter for some men. The other type of download is done internally. The cord ends fairly deep in the anus, and downloading is done by the surfer sitting on what looks like a simple office chair with a clown hat on it.
Mechanical Fish Cam
Since the release of the film Jaws in 1975, the world has been enamored with mechanical fish. In the future, mechanized fish technology has come a long way. Scientists at Canon will invent a robotic fish called P.E.R.C.H. (Phototogaphically Enhanced Radio Controlled Helper) that is equipped with the latest digital camera and can swim alongside the surfer shooting 100 frames per second-not one bit of the action will be missed. P.E.R.C.H. is capable of swimming upward of 200 nautical miles per hour and has a voice chip that allows the fish to heckle the surfer in order to remind him or her what tricks the magazine is currently looking for. For example, in the summer of 2017, the fish would most likely be yelling to a 38-year-old Bruce Irons, “Do a flanger-flip*, Bruce, do a flanger-flip! The mag needs a flanger-flip cover.”
* A flanger-flip is a kickflip-backflip, with a body spasm in the middle.
Within the next twelve years, most of the major surf companies in the world will own their own satellites strictly for the purpose of following their teamriders around the globe. Billabong will have the satellite hovering 1,000 miles above Andy Irons as he pulls into a tube near the newly formed republic of Hawai’i while at the same time shooting racy photographs of Billabong models showing off the latest in swimsuit technology. These company-owned satellites will also have the capability to shoot lasers at members of opposing teams. Let’s say Andy’s in a heat against Kelly at Teahupo’o, the Billabong laser will try to shoot a beam at Kelly as he takes off, thankfully for Kelly, Quiksilver has a laser deflection shield, blocking the laser beam and sending it back into space. The ASP will then issue a warning to Billabong to stop trying to use lasers in heats.
The genius minds at Mac will have improved the Illustrator program so much that magazines don’t even really have to go out and shoot photos. Art directors at every major surf magazine can simply plug the machine into their brain-port and imagine what they would like to see the surfer do. The program will then print out with the whole story, written, designed, and everything. The only thing magazine editors will need to do is write captions. The problem with that is the new Illustrator program isn’t compatible with the immense wit of most editors, so captions will have to be force fed into vintage G4 machines.
The Sexually Enhanced Traveling Ultimate Photograapher is a going to be must-have for any long trip to a desolated locale. This droid unit is (as ordered by the owner) a fully operational sex droid that not only gives full-body massages, but also cooks, cleans, has a DVD player with a flat-screen TV on its stomach, and looks like a supermodel, but it also shoots amazing photos! Planning a boat trip to deepest Sumatra with ten dudes? Bring along a S.E.T.U.P. Choose the tall blonde model or the dark-haired raven model-she shoots great fish-eye shots. You and your girlfriends going down to Peru for a monthlong excursion? Bring the Brad Pitt S.E.T.U.P. and dress him up like a maid, slap him around, make him your slave-that’s why he was invented!
If you don’t have the money to actually buy one of these new advancements in surf photography, you can always rent your own human photographer. At this point, they’ll be so cheap that you’ll most likely be able to rent a capable photographer for about five bucks an hour (six for a water photographer). Of course you’ll have to coach the human and sometimes even scold him or her. If you’re patient and courteous to your rental photographer, he or she will no doubt pay you back with photos shot with care and heart-but sitting through the hours of verbal reasons why humans are so much better than robots may wear on you. In the end, helping out a human photographer is worth it-they will be endangered soon enough.