The Ozzman Doll Cometh: An action figure from hell

“Aaalllll aabbooaardd! Haaa haa haa!” That’s all I kept screaming over and over as I drunkenly stumbled my Ozzy doll onto the crazy train. Well, it actually wasn’t a train, and by no means was it crazy. But my pitbull G.G. was the only thing in my house that even resembled a train.

I couldn’t believe I was playing with an Ozzy action figure! Where the hell were these things when I was a kid? Do you really think that I enjoyed getting frustrated over trying to transform my damn Transformers? Or even better, having your brand new G.I. Joe snapped in half at the torso because of their cheap ass rubber bands. I was crushed when I spent my only four dollars on a booty Snake Eyes that busted.

The Ozzy Doll is the best toy since the Slinky. Now you too can experience the madness and drug-induced mayhem that Ozzy did, but without the hangovers, Betty Ford enrollments, or even the nasty taste of bat blood in your fangs. An upside down cross, headless bats, and headless pigeons all come with Ozzy to insure that his fans get their money’s worth. He even comes with authentic tattoos such as the classic “O.Z.Z.Y.” across the left hand.

The only flaw is that he’s buff. I don’t mean cut, I mean buff! Billy Blanks buff! We all know Ozzy was a fat, sweaty drunk who never exercised a day in his life! But we’ll let him have this one, he’s earned it.

All in all, the Ozzy action figure is a damn good time. I missed the most fabulous hour on television, The Young and Restless and the News at Noon, playing with my new found friend. You need to go find yourself one now, or you’ll burn in hell.¿Tyson Montrucchio