The Pros And Cons Of Today’s Wetsuits

Today’s wetsuits are not only cool-looking, but they’re also very warm and fun to wear. Here are two top-ten lists of the pros and cons of today’s wetsuits. Read them, and then agree with me.¿J.M.

Ten Good Things About Wearing Wetsuits

1. You look good in them.

2. When the water’s cold, all you have to do is put one on, and then viola! you’re warm.

3. If you’re a “sponsored” surfer, then you can special-order a wetsuit with cool colors like lime green and orange so the photographer can easily spot you in the lineup.

4. If you get hit by your board or slam into the reef, a wetsuit will save your buttocks from being shredded up.

5. You can’t really tell when you have a boner in the water.

6. You never get wax in your chest and belly hair. It doesn’t really matter for girls, I guess¿unless they’re Sasquatchian women.

7. You can hide things in your wetsuit: balloons, a TransWorld SURF magazine, or trash.

8. Wetsuits accentuate the shape of your body, therefore making you an object of desire.

9. You’re especially buoyant in a wetsuit, so if you lose your board in big surf, you can float in the channel while waiting to be rescued.

10. Girls like to see boys in wetsuits, and boys like to see girls in wetsuits.

Ten Bad Things About Wearing Wetsuits

1. Wetsuits smell very bad when you pee in them.

2. You can be mistaken for a sea creature and get eaten by sharks.

3. Wetsuits that don’t have a pocket for your car key. (Wake up, wetsuit designers! Where in the hell are we supposed to put our keys when we’re surfing?)

4. Putting on a wet wetsuit during the winter. For those who don’t surf, it’s like rubbing your whole body with a cold, damp rag before jumping into a freezing swimming pool.

5. Trying to slip on the legs of a wetsuit when it’s too tight.

6. Wetsuits that are so warm you can’t even pee in them comfortably.

7. Wetsuits that are so tight you can’t even poop in them comfortably.

8. Rashes in the armpits are pretty bad, but rashes in your crotch are even worse.

9. Nut suction: When a wetsuit fits your body almost too perfectly, there’s no air circulating through it, therefore causing extreme suction in the mainframe. It feels like your nuts are being pulled away from where they should be. (It’s a different story with women¿I’m not sure what happens to them.)

10. Farting in a wetsuit may sound funny, but it’s not really that funny¿unless you enjoy the aroma of an oven-baked turd pie.