Transmissions

As the editor of this surf magazine, I have, admittedly, made some pretty bad calls on our editorial content. That one story I wrote for the letters section in the June 2001 issue about the whale with the penis the size of a lightpost was a little too much. I mean, we all know that a whale’s penis is only about half the size of a telephone pole. I’m sorry for providing you with that misleading information.¿C.C.

CALLOUTSI’m sorry you had to go to military school, even though¿from what I hear from your parents¿you deserved it.

If you want to go to a surf camp, go camp by yourself in the wilds of Madagascar. The animals there will take you in and treat you as one of their own after a few days of nibbling and scratching.

She was kicking stuff, throwing things, and, not to mention, cursing like a sailor.

“My friends who are girls describe me as attractive, but ‘a little on the thin, sinewy side.’

WRONG MAGAZINE, RIGHT IDEAI’ve been skating since mid October of 2000, but I broke my ankle in mid June when I almost landed a heelflip. I had a cast on for three weeks, and when I got it off, I couldn’t do anything. Also, I live in Holliston, Massachusetts, so in the winter I can’t skate at all. So now all I can do is ollie. Sometimes 180 frontside, and backside to boardslide on parking blocks. The parking blocks I learned on have three-inch-high metal bars on them, so I can’t skate them any more, or land a heelflip one footed, spin a kickflip half wan, ollie up small curbs, ollie off things, or ollie up small things. Sometimes I can ollie to manual, fakie rock, and on small things, I can sometimes do a manual on to a corked grind. So do I suck really bad, or am I good for how long I’ve been skateboarding? I’m writing this on 8/30/01.

P.S. I also recently went to skate camp. I broke my ankle on my eighth time dropping in on an eight-foot mini ramp, so now I’m scared to drop in on anything. Cody LeGros Holliston, MassachusettsCody,I’m sorry that this letter got sent to TransWorld SURF instead of TransWorld SKATEboarding. I’m also sorry that you can’t pull a kickflip half wan. Kickflip half wans are like one of the hardest tricks to do in today’s skateboarding¿I don’t even know if Eric Koston can do them. So sorry, Eric Koston. Sorry for calling you out on the kickflip half wans. Another thing I’m sorry about is never learning ollie to manual to corked grind fakie rocks. Supposedly, they’re really hard. So don’t feel bad, Cody, you’re a good skateboarder. You just need some help on your letter-writing skills. Sorry.

I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING I’m writing to you just to say “Wazzup!” and to ask you guys for a favor. I’m not asking for any free clothes or anything (although, that’d be nice). I’m asking if you could teach me about surfing. This year I’m attending the Florida Air Academy in Melbourne Beach, Florida. Last year, I went to Lyman Ward¿a military school in Camp Hill, Alabama because my dad wanted me to get a little more disciplined and become more mature. I wasn’t an angel, but I hadn’t done anything seriously wrong. After having a hell of a freshmen year, I ended up pretty good. I was the Cadet Of The Month of October, had straight As almost the whole year, and was half a point away from winning Cadet Of The Year. Now my mom sent me to the Air Academy to “further my education.” She said the other school wasn’t up to her stats. I quickly said it was okay when I found out that I could surf there. My parents make me work hard for my money, and they make me pay for my clothes, so it’s really hard to save up for a board. I’ve just now saved up enough. I’ve been wanting to surf now for a little over six years. My grandfather and my dad’s two brothers are Hawai’ian, but I’m 100-percent haole-boy. I’ve also surfed a few times in Hawai’i when I was younger. Now my grandfather’s getting a piece of land on the Big Island from the Recmation Act. I’d like to learn the basics about surfing and then become more advanced from there. I want to become very serious about my surfing. I’ve been through a lot of tough times, and when I put myself up to it, I always end up on top. Even though I’m starting late, I know I could still be sponsored if I train the way I plan to. If you have any suggestions of movies, magazines, camps, or if you know anyone in Melbourne, Florida who might be able to help me, please contact me. Ben HendersonSgt. E-4, FFAMelbourne Beach, Florida

P.S. Could you also send me some posters so I can make my room a little homier? Your mag is straight-up the best there is.

Dear Ben,I’m sorry you had to go to military school, even though¿from what I hear from your parents¿you deserved it. If you want to be really serious about surfing, the best video to watch is probably Apocalypse Now. That’s a serious surf movie. If you want to go to a surf camp, go camp by yourself in the wilds of Madagascar. The animals there will take you in and treat you as one of their own after a few days of nibbling and scratching. A magazine you could read to become a serious surfer is Surfing magazine. They have this column called the Wave Girl¿she’ll tell you where to go surfing that month. Another magazine you could read is TransWorld SURF, even though they make fun of people’s passions by using humor and sarcasm.

A SHIRTLESS WOMAN WREAKS HAVOCThe craziest thing happened just now. I was writing you a letter to commend you on your Top 44 issue, then there was a huge crash in my brother’s room. (By the way, he’s a “bropeller.”) Which is pretty fudged up considering he and my mom left for military school¿the poor guy’s been getting in so much trouble. My mom thinks he needs a strong male influence. In my opinion, that’s too strong and too male. Anyway, I checked out the noise and discovered that there was a “hottie” destroying his room. She was kicking stuff, throwing things, and, not to mention, cursing like a sailor. It was kinda cool, she put good combos together. Once she saw me, she turned totally nice. She started playing all coy after just pulling a complete Mick Jagger on my brother’s room. Panicked, she broke out and said, “I’m sure we don’t need to involve the police and we can come to an agreement.”Now I have to say that I’m not super confident when it comes to dealing with the ladies. Mostly I just try to play it cool, and I usually fail. My friends who are girls describe me as attractive, but “a little on the thin, sinewy side.” I threw in the word sinewy to sex it up a little. So, I played it cool. Keep in mind that I’ve never seen this girl before. I said, “I’m sure we can work something out. How are you with tedious manual labor, if you get my drift?”In retrospect, it would’ve been way cooler without the “get my drift” part. She said “I always finish the job no matter how hard.” Then she took her shirt off. I’m not one to kiss and tell, but she was healthy. Then, out of nowhere, the door flew open and some ogre yelled out, “Come on, Marny! Let’s beat it!” She told me to hide, which, of course, I did. I mean, after all, I am on the sinewy side.I then quickly hopped into the closet, and the dude rolled in while her shirt was still off. He was like, “What’s the deal?” She told him she was hot (and man was she). The joker started getting frisky with her, so she pushed him out and forgot to finish the job. Needless to say, I spent the rest of my afternoon trying to strike up a Ouija-board session with the neighborhood girls. Which leads me to a few questions: Do you think girls’ fathers know what I’m up to when I show up at their houses with a Ouija board and a Rush CD? Should I ask my brother what’s up with this girl? Should I ask him for her number? What can I do to get girls like that to trash my room without having to go to military school? Lenny Maisters Los Angeles, California

Lenny,Sorry, but this letter rules! Your grasp on the English language is fantastic. Your usage of the word “sinewy” was dynamite! I especially loved the part when you said she pulled a “Mick Jagger” on your brother’s room. I like you, man. I like your style. I’m sorry you and the lady were interrupted in the midst of such passion. By the way, if I had a daughter and you showed up at my house with a Ouija board and a Rush CD, you could hang with me for the night. We could get really weird.

The following letters were taken from a chat room that my friend’s dad found. I find it really flattering that fans of TransWorld SURF take time out of their busy schedules to sing the praises of TransWorld SURF by spreading the word to their friends.¿C.C. The following responses are what I would’ve said had I been invited to this cool chat-room party:

Subject: Cote, check this out.Oly@aol.com (Oly) wrote in message:

Chris,This is so hilarious. My dad found it in a chat room.You should print this shit.OlyP.S. Send me porn.

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine not even good for low-grade toilet paper.Surfgun@hotmail.com (Surfgun) wrote in message:

My fourteen-year-old son wanted me to subscribe to another surf magazine called TransWorld SURF. It appeared to be directed at mostly kids, maybe ten to sixteen years old. I checked out the first issue when it came to our house. The editors seem to think it’s cool to be as vulgar and filthy mouthed as possible. I thought, “That’s one magazine that’s going to be canceled.” I read their letters to the editor, a section called “Top Ten Transmissions.” A mother wrote in to cancel her son’s subscription, calling the magazine “inappropriate and disgusting.” The editor wrote back belittling her kid for being controlled by his mommy. He then wrote back to the mother: “Hey, JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, ‘Who gives a f¿k what you think?”‘ and called her a “psycho.” So, people who care about their kids and don’t want them to read trash are “pyschos”? What kind of a hole did this guy crawl out of? He answered other letters with insults¿telling kids they have “shit for brains.”I suggest if anyone cares about what their kids read, cancel thismagazine as soon as possible. There’re too many good surfing magazines out there that emphasize the beauty of surfing as a great lifestyle that won’t suck your kids into the sewer.Surfgun

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine …Surfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

You’re so right! That magazine uses cuss words to control the minds of our children. I read in TransWorld SURF that if you take a dump in your wetsuit it’s called a “steamer!” Can you believe that? Why would anyone want to go to the bathroom in their wetsuit? If I’m sitting out there surfing on my fun-shape egg and I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll paddle in and change into my Dolfin shorts and Ugg boots and go to the bathroom like a normal person. I’m with you on disliking TransWorld SURF. Surfegg

Subject: Re: TransWorld SURF MagazineSizzlechest86@yahoo.com (Sizzlechest86) wrote in message:

The editor writes back belittling her kid for being controlled by mommy and writes to the mother, “Hey JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, ‘Who gives a f¿k what you think?”‘ and called her a “pyscho killer.” He answered letters by telling kids they have “shit for brains.” I’ll give you dollars to doughnuts the mag’s either published in Australia or San Diego County, California. Is the editor’s first name Kevin? Sizzlechest86

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine …Surfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

Dude, Sizzlechest? That’s a cool name. Yeah, bro. Anyway, I think that magazine is made in San Diego because all people who live in San Diego are stupid. I agree with Sizzlechest that Surfgun is right on the money. I also like to sizzle little eggs on my sizzlechest. I find a bird’s nest, steal the eggs, fry them for about a minute, aSorry, but this letter rules! Your grasp on the English language is fantastic. Your usage of the word “sinewy” was dynamite! I especially loved the part when you said she pulled a “Mick Jagger” on your brother’s room. I like you, man. I like your style. I’m sorry you and the lady were interrupted in the midst of such passion. By the way, if I had a daughter and you showed up at my house with a Ouija board and a Rush CD, you could hang with me for the night. We could get really weird.

The following letters were taken from a chat room that my friend’s dad found. I find it really flattering that fans of TransWorld SURF take time out of their busy schedules to sing the praises of TransWorld SURF by spreading the word to their friends.¿C.C. The following responses are what I would’ve said had I been invited to this cool chat-room party:

Subject: Cote, check this out.Oly@aol.com (Oly) wrote in message:

Chris,This is so hilarious. My dad found it in a chat room.You should print this shit.OlyP.S. Send me porn.

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine not even good for low-grade toilet paper.Surfgun@hotmail.com (Surfgun) wrote in message:

My fourteen-year-old son wanted me to subscribe to another surf magazine called TransWorld SURF. It appeared to be directed at mostly kids, maybe ten to sixteen years old. I checked out the first issue when it came to our house. The editors seem to think it’s cool to be as vulgar and filthy mouthed as possible. I thought, “That’s one magazine that’s going to be canceled.” I read their letters to the editor, a section called “Top Ten Transmissions.” A mother wrote in to cancel her son’s subscription, calling the magazine “inappropriate and disgusting.” The editor wrote back belittling her kid for being controlled by his mommy. He then wrote back to the mother: “Hey, JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, ‘Who gives a f¿k what you think?”‘ and called her a “psycho.” So, people who care about their kids and don’t want them to read trash are “pyschos”? What kind of a hole did this guy crawl out of? He answered other letters with insults¿telling kids they have “shit for brains.”I suggest if anyone cares about what their kids read, cancel thismagazine as soon as possible. There’re too many good surfing magazines out there that emphasize the beauty of surfing as a great lifestyle that won’t suck your kids into the sewer.Surfgun

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine …Surfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

You’re so right! That magazine uses cuss words to control the minds of our children. I read in TransWorld SURF that if you take a dump in your wetsuit it’s called a “steamer!” Can you believe that? Why would anyone want to go to the bathroom in their wetsuit? If I’m sitting out there surfing on my fun-shape egg and I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll paddle in and change into my Dolfin shorts and Ugg boots and go to the bathroom like a normal person. I’m with you on disliking TransWorld SURF. Surfegg

Subject: Re: TransWorld SURF MagazineSizzlechest86@yahoo.com (Sizzlechest86) wrote in message:

The editor writes back belittling her kid for being controlled by mommy and writes to the mother, “Hey JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, ‘Who gives a f¿k what you think?”‘ and called her a “pyscho killer.” He answered letters by telling kids they have “shit for brains.” I’ll give you dollars to doughnuts the mag’s either published in Australia or San Diego County, California. Is the editor’s first name Kevin? Sizzlechest86

Subject: TransWorld SURF magazine …Surfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

Dude, Sizzlechest? That’s a cool name. Yeah, bro. Anyway, I think that magazine is made in San Diego because all people who live in San Diego are stupid. I agree with Sizzlechest that Surfgun is right on the money. I also like to sizzle little eggs on my sizzlechest. I find a bird’s nest, steal the eggs, fry them for about a minute, and then pour the boiling egg batter onto my chest to sizzle. Hey, Sizzlechest! Meet me in the S&M chatroom and we’ll talk more about our passions. SurfeggSubject: Our Children Surfdadg@longboard.net (Surfdad) wrote in message:

It’s amazing how low some companies will go to find that niche market. As a father of two young children (two and four) I’m beginning to understand my parents’ point of view. I also have become very sensitive about who and what my kids come in contact with. I’m a subscriber to Surfing magazine, and just the other day, I asked myself why. The magazine’s directed toward the fifteen- to seventeen-year-old crowd. I decided not to renew my subscription due to the fact that the articles and advertising are not appealing. The magazine seems to pit people against each other. Longboards versus shortboards, East versus West, and so on. I applaud you for the effort it takes to stay on top of your kids and the outside influences that cloud their minds. I just hope I can do the same.The Surfer’s Journal seems to be the best publication I’ve found. It displays the beauty of the sport. It also does a good job of reminding us of surfing’s roots and surfing heroes our kids should learn about. Surfdad

Subject: Re: Our ChildrenSurfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

I totally agree with you. Surfing magazine is not appealing. They’re like, so super-dominant male-penis-envy antagonists. I canceled my son’s subscription years ago when I read a story about friends helping each other take off their wetsuits in the shower. I was so offended by this article that I called up and canceled my subscription immediately. I think the best magazine to let your kids read is Sesame Street magazine since they’re directed at two and four year olds¿that seems like a better bet than Surfer’s Journal. Surfer’s Journal is a great magazine for adults, but do you really think two and a four year olds should read about 1970s surfer artists’ acid trips in Santosha? I’d say save the acid-trip stories for when they are at least twelve or fourteen years old, they’d appreciate it much more then.Surfegge, and then pour the boiling egg batter onto my chest to sizzle. Hey, Sizzlechest! Meet me in the S&M chatroom and we’ll talk more about our passions. SurfeggSubject: Our Children Surfdadg@longboard.net (Surfdad) wrote in message:

It’s amazing how low some companies will go to find that niche market. As a father of two young children (two and four) I’m beginning to understand my parents’ point of view. I also have become very sensitive about who and what my kids come in contact with. I’m a subscriber to Surfing magazine, and just the other day, I asked myself why. The magazine’s directed toward the fifteen- to seventeen-year-old crowd. I decided not to renew my subscription due to the fact that the articles and advertising are not appealing. The magazine seems to pit people against each other. Longboards versus shortboards, East versus West, and so on. I applaud you for the effort it takes to stay on top of your kids and the outside influences that cloud their minds. I just hope I can do the same.The Surfer’s Journal seems to be the best publication I’ve found. It displays the beauty of the sport. It also does a good job of reminding us of surfing’s roots and surfing heroes our kids should learn about. Surfdad

Subject: Re: Our ChildrenSurfegg@aol.com (Surfegg) wrote in message:

I totally agree with you. Surfing magazine is not appealing. They’re like, so super-dominant male-penis-envy antagonists. I canceled my son’s subscription years ago when I read a story about friends helping each other take off their wetsuits in the shower. I was so offended by this article that I called up and canceled my subscription immediately. I think the best magazine to let your kids read is Sesame Street magazine since they’re directed at two and four year olds¿that seems like a better bet than Surfer’s Journal. Surfer’s Journal is a great magazine for adults, bbut do you really think two and a four year olds should read about 1970s surfer artists’ acid trips in Santosha? I’d say save the acid-trip stories for when they are at least twelve or fourteen years old, they’d appreciate it much more then.Surfegg