Transmissions 3-4

In medieval times, a dark force emerged from the brown caves of Fecalmore. He had a dark, evil-looking face with a beard as white as the whitest baby bunny rabbit in all the land. He held in his bony hand a scepter that bore great mystical powers.After turning the entire town of Crapneck into a festering bile-swamp, he toppled the tower of Rod Whittle and turned it into dust. His name was Bonch, the mystical wizard of Fecalmore. He was the greatest evil wizard to ever walk the face of this Earth.We at TransWorld SURF have reached into his dark-brown cave to wake this 4,000-year-old wizard from his eternal slumber to see if he’ll answer your burning, bubbling, stinking questions.

TWS: Mr. Bonch, hi! This is George from TransWorld SURF. I’m reaching into your brown cave to ask you if you’d like to answer some letters for our magazine?
Bonch: Do you not fear me?

We do not fear you, we marvel at you. Are you interested?
Yes, let me get my cape with all the stars and moons on it. Oh, and also my evil scepter of Bonchelonia.

MONICA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

First off, I think you guys have the best mag in the surf
industry. STANCE also rocks. The only problem I have seems to be the same with all of the mags: Almost every East Coast shot’s from Florida. Granted, the level of surfing’s very good there, but the waves suck! I can understand running lots of Outer Banks shots, but Florida gets good maybe a half-dozen times a year. Think of all of the Kelly Slater shots you’ve seen, and then count how many were taken in Florida. Not a lot. So just at least consider it the next time you see a good shot that comes from north of the Sunshine State. I’d also like to ask my girlfriend Monica to marry me. So if you could run this, it’d be great. Thanks for the great mag. Keep up the good work. Ian
East Coast
Ian,
If we were face-to-face, I’d unleash my evil-wizard scepter and implode your guts. If you’re talking about the Sunshine Coast of Herpesia, that place is a dump and should’ve been destroyed in the battle of Gonorrhea.By the way, Monica’s gonna say no to your marriage proposal-I saw your future in my magical evil-swirl bowl. You should’ve asked her to marry you in the first sentence, dipshit.

WHAT’S BETTER THAN ROSES ON YOUR PIANO?

What’s up! Your mag kicks ass. It’s way better than those other two-Surfer and Surfing, or something, I forget. Nah, but I was wondering if you could send me some stickers, a shirt, or something. That’d be cool. What’s better than roses on your piano?
Two lips on your organ. Show this one to Chris Cote, and then publish it in the next issue. Daniel
treanor16@aol.com

Daniel,
Speaking of kicking ass, when I was shooting gut rays off the tip of my scepter during the battle of Shet, I must’ve turned 1,000 men into mud. You, Daniel, should be turned into mud. I wish I was at your house right now spraying you with magical acid juice from the murkey bottom of the Goop River in Ghassole. It’s near the bordertown of GÅÅdge.

WE’RE KIND OF LAME SOMETIMES
As a surfer and a hairstylist, I have to resent your commentsabout Ross Williams in the article entitled “Hairstyles Of The Rich And Sponsored.” First of all, Ross Williams is a supergood surfer who rips on any of you dumb editors any day. How dare you make fun of his hair! As a Supercuts employee, I was furious to see you making fun of a guy whose hair limits his hairstyle methods. What you call a Swept-Forward Caesar is really one of the coolest hairstyles in Hollywood. Shame on you! Ross, if you’re reading this-I think your hair’s rad. Anytime you’re in the Bay Area, come by Supercuts and we’ll hook you up! As for TransWorld SURF, you guys are lame. Grow up!

Lance Barton
Pacifica, California
Sir Lance-a-lot,
I am known throughout the land as Bonch, the mystil bearded wizard of Fecalmore. People say my beard’s whiter than the whitest baby bunny rabbit in all the world. I’d never cut it, for if I did I’d look identical to that half-assed donkey healer, Merlin The Magician. What a jackass he was! He thinks he was the first to wear a “moons and stars” cape. I’ve been wearing my “moon star” cape since before the fall of the Bunwhip Empire.

WHAT’S IN PETER’S NOSE?

My friends and I are having an argument that we need you to solve. We can’t come to a conclusion on what exactly is in Peter Labrador’s nose in last issue’s Brahbados article. My friend Jake says it’s an noseplug that prevents nosebleeds from getting infected. My other friend Ben says it’s a seashell he put in his nose for fun and a necklace got wrapped around it. My other friend Jason says he thinks his board popped him in the face and Peter stuffed something up there to stop the bleeding. I say it’s a medallion that leaped up his nose when he leaped in the air. Please solve this so I don’t have to give those guys a date with my sister for losing the bet.

Chris Jones
Murrietta, California

Chris,
I once pulled a magical bean from my anus. Upon placing the magic bean in a small windowsill planter in the town of Dumponia, a great beanstalk grew and destroyed the whole town, leaving nothing but a rotten pile of wretched dung. I visit this pile often for its healing powers-the scent of the massive pile of butt mudge cures all and gives everlasting life. Many say it’s due to a high-potency Hemorroidian Sludgeroot that grows sporadically near the pile.

WALLS OF CONFINEMENT
Good lookin’ out on all the kick-ass surf shots. My cell (ouch) is plastered with them-it kinda takes me out of this shithole! I have one small request for the brothers who can’t get to the beach anytime soon: Can you run a full-page picture of some thonged-out beach betty of the month?
That’d be a nice addition to my wall of flicks. Anyway, keep up the good work. Your mag shreds!

David D.
Solana State Prison

David,
I’ve been encased in this brown cave since the dawn of time. Four-thousand years in a stank, brown, runny cavern is torture on the brain. I dread waking up to a dripping ceiling full of giant bats who feed on the rectums of cows and sheep. The towering piles of bat dung are good for carving thrones and statues, but I’d love nothing more than to breath fresh Earth air again.

THE VIRGIN SURFER COMETH, AGAIN!
Hey, bros! It’s the “virgin surfer” again. I was stoked when I read my letter in the November issue of TransWorld SURF. I showed all my bros. You guys are the best! I’m still reading my mags as they come. I was pissed a few months ago because my September issue came in the mail and the postal service f-ked it all up! All the pages were ripped apart. They’re losers! Lately, I’ve been checking out the competitions in Huntington Beach-good shit! I met a few of the competitors and got a lot of motivation. So are you guys involved with the surf camp in San Clemente this year?
Because I’m going to be there. Think I might pick up a sponsor?
Nah, maybe not. I’m not that good yet. So bros, think I could get a tour of your headquarters?
That’d be so cool to see you guys in action-hell yeah! Well, I’m gonna kill this letter for now. Hope to hear back from you guys soon.

Lawrence Wright
Riverside, California

Larry,
Here’s a spell you can cast on your friends to make their faces turn purple and their asses swell to the size of two giant watermelons: Simply point your fingers at them and say, “Syphlisalic syphilisilly, ooga-booga, zam!” In a matter of minutes, their asses will start to swell and make grotesque noises. Run away and laugh, this spell lasts for about a week.

BRUTALLY HONEST BRO-BRAH
I think your mag sucks. There, I said it. Your silly little editor can write a reply to me if he wants to, but I don’t think you guys have the balls to print this letter. It makes your glorious “progressive” surf magazine look bad. Oh, no! We can’t do that!Take my letter and rip it up-I don’t give a f-k! Your magazine is immature and pompous … do you know what that means?
Probably not, because your staff has nothing more than an eighth-grade education and mentality. Look the word up in the dictionary and take a shit while you’re at it. I don’t even know why I took the time to write you pricks. What a waste! Do yourselves a favor and find a new avenue to explore. Here’s one: Why don’t you try actually running a decent surf photo?
Wait … surfers barely make anything when it comes to catching air. I’m sorry! Your whole sport stinks, bro-brahs.

Stuart Drake
San Mateo, California
Stew-fart,
I don’t like that you attack the magazine that’s brought me so much pleasure. I want to give you a “D-Brown Wrap Around.” It consists of me coming up behind you and grabbing your nuts from between your legs. After I have a firm grip, I’ll use magical powers that’ll enable me to pull your sack all the way up your back to tie them around your neck. For I am the evil wizard Bonch! Pray I never escape this cavern. For if I do, this world is doomed! Doomed, I say!

rite a reply to me if he wants to, but I don’t think you guys have the balls to print this letter. It makes your glorious “progressive” surf magazine look bad. Oh, no! We can’t do that!Take my letter and rip it up-I don’t give a f-k! Your magazine is immature and pompous … do you know what that means?
Probably not, because your staff has nothing more than an eighth-grade education and mentality. Look the word up in the dictionary and take a shit while you’re at it. I don’t even know why I took the time to write you pricks. What a waste! Do yourselves a favor and find a new avenue to explore. Here’s one: Why don’t you try actually running a decent surf photo?
Wait … surfers barely make anything when it comes to catching air. I’m sorry! Your whole sport stinks, bro-brahs.

Stuart Drake
San Mateo, California
Stew-fart,
I don’t like that you attack the magazine that’s brought me so much pleasure. I want to give you a “D-Brown Wrap Around.” It consists of me coming up behind you and grabbing your nuts from between your legs. After I have a firm grip, I’ll use magical powers that’ll enable me to pull your sack all the way up your back to tie them around your neck. For I am the evil wizard Bonch! Pray I never escape this cavern. For if I do, this world is doomed! Doomed, I say!