Transmissions 3-4

Transmissions With Hugh,
The Not-So-Friendly Sperm Whale

Hi. I’m Hugh, the not-so-friendly sperm whale. I like to hang out a few feet underwater and listen to you surfers have your lame conversations. I listen to you jack-off humans talk about your last off-the-lip, your pets, your girlfriends, and every other ridiculous topic you choose to entertain each other with while waiting for your next wave. If you surfers knew I was listening to you, I bet you’d think twice before striking up a conversation about the consistency of last night’s turd explosion.

CALLOUTS

“I know one thing: I’m a sperm whale, and I have a penis the size of a small lightpost. If I had sex with either one, they’d end up dead anyway.”

“He tasted like chicken covered in rubber.”

“For one thing, you can’t light anything underwater, weed’s ruined when it gets wet, and the amount of Visine I’d need to get the red out of my eye would be staggering.”

“Where I’m from, snaking someone means putting a long tube up their ass and making it come out their mouth.”

WAZ UPYour mag’s f-kin’ waz. I mean, it’s about time someone brought out a mag that isn’t totally up its own ass with sponsorships and who Kelly Slater’s wanking. A decent hardcore mag for hardcore, don’t-give-a-f-k surfers. Where in the UK can I get your mag? I got this one from the American PX in Kosovo. I’m in the Royal Marines, by the way-that’s why I’m in f-king Kosovo! This place doesn’t even have a coastline. Well, your mag’s cheered me up and depressed me at the same time, because I won’t be able to surf for another four months! At least I’ll be dreaming of the pictures in your mag.

Dave Corcoran
45th Command, Kosovo

Dave,
The other day I overheard these two surfers talking about what they’d rather do-have sex with a dead Carmen Electra or their own living, breathing grandpa. I know one thing: I’m a sperm whale, and I have a penis the size of a small lightpost. If I had sex with either one, they’d end up dead anyway. Humans are stupid, and I’d rather do it to a dead Carmen Electra, by the way.

DIDN’T KNOW IT POET,
I’m an eighth-grade student who’s written a poem of which I am very proud. I’m enclosing a copy of it in the hopes you might find it worth printing:

Carefully scoping the ride.,
The surfer gets his wetsuit on, getting ready for the cold journey ahead.Heart pounding at the speed of light.”Maybe the surf is a little too big today.”

Suddenly, he starts to paddle out into the raging mouth before him.He feels a chill and he’s gliding effortlessly out into the ocean, coral and fish below him.Then within an instant, he’s thrown back onto the powder-white beach.Right where he started.Full of fear for the great monster that had taunted him like always.

Christa Cassidy
Park City, Utah

Christa,I’m just a sperm whale, so I may not be hip to all the new forms of art and literature, but I like your poem. I especially like the part about “paddling into the raging mouth.” That reminds of the time this one surfer was spouting off about eating whale blubber or something. So I ate him. He tasted like chicken covered in rubber. I spit his bones out on the beach as a warning to the other despicable human surf scum. Save the whales!

WWW.WEIRDO.COM TAKE FOUR
Hey, buddy. Everybody’s gonna claim G.I.G.-Rolling Stone, all the surf, skate, and snowboard media, the mainstream media, you name it. I just want to reassure you that TW SURF was the first to publish the concept of G.I.G. in July 2000. TW SURF was the first to unite the surf media in December 2000. TW SURF was the first to do whatever it’s gonna do with G.I.G. This is going to translate into a shitload of power, money, and dotcom credibility. I just wanted to state for the record that TW SURF backed G.I.G. when no one else had the balls or brains to. Charles BearPortland, Oregon

Charles,
As you all know, sperm whales are the smartest of all ocean-going mammals. I overheard a conversation between three dudes about the hit TV show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? They were spouting off questions-I answered every one of ’em about a second before those meatheads did. I sometimes wish I could change into human form and blow Regis away with my vast knowledge. My brain’s about the size of a new Volkswagen Beetle-you know, one of those cool new neon-painted ones.

SMOKIN’ TREES
The other day, I was reading your Santa Cruz Volume Three, Number One issue and wondered why you’ve never covered the surfers up here on the real northern coast of California. I think everyone would really dig the irie vibe we have. Just like Santa Cruz has guys like Rockhold and Flea, we have guys like Joey “Green Room” Peterson, Jim “Doobie” Doblans, and “Marijuana” Mike Mathers. There’re trees everywhere up here, if you know what I’m sayin’. There’re also tons of spots nobody ever surfs where tubes spit and the smoke flies-four-twenty. If you guys ever want to party with the boys up north, give me a call and we’ll see what flies.

Andre “The Zepp” Zimmerman
Arcadia, California

Zepp,
I hear teenage surfers talking about this crap all the time. I’ve never tried marijuana, nor would I ever want to. For one thing, you can’t light anything underwater. Also, weed’s ruined when it gets wet, and the amount of Visine I’d need to get the red out of my eye would be staggering. Besides, that stuff will ruin your brain. I’ll bet if I smoked, I’d forget to come up for air. Then I’d drown.

MORE MAUS
I’m a big fan of Pat Maus and was wondering why I haven’t seen any shots of him lately. Pat’s display of tricks and power is extremely impressive-check his insane video parts and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Anyway, Pat Maus rips and needs to be profiled or some shit like that. Oh, yeah-he’s also a cool guy. One day I was out surfing Tamarack Beach in Carlsbad, and I was having trouble boosting my airs. Pat paddled over and gave me some tips-I was super stoked to learn from a pro who’s a bro. Anyway, we want more Pat. Luther Stevens Escondido, California

Luther,
When the break’s crowded, some seriously funny shit gets said and done. One time I heard these two guys arguing over a wave. The one guy said something about snaking the other guy. Where I’m from, snaking someone means putting a long tube up their ass and making it come out their mouth. I know it sounds disgusting, but it’s really funny. Maybe things are just different where I come from.

“A” FOR EFFORT, “D” FOR NICE TRY
I’m writing this letter from my seventh-grade English class for some extra credit. The other kids in my class are writing to magazines like Sports Illustrated and National Geographic. I’m not a jock, and I could care less about history. Since my teacher won’t let me write to Playboy, I decided to write to TransWorld SURF. I really like the stories and photos in your magazines.I used to have a subscription to Surfer, but it was kind of boring, so I always ended up bringing it to school and trading it for candy or food. I really have nothing interesting to say other than I like your magazine, and I think you guys are doing a really good job. The teacher says this letter has to be like 200 words, so I’ll just keep blabbing on until I reach that number. She’ll give me like a “D,” or something, but hey, that’s still passing. This next sentence should most likely take care of the last few words I need to fulfill my assignment. If you print this letter, I’ll get even more extra credit-so hook me up, I’ll be stoked. Well, that’s enough words, so thanks for the cool magazine. Mark Linholm
Miami, Florida

Mark,It’s just like you lazy humans to do the bare minimum. You’re lucky you’re not a sperm whale. I have to swim from Alaska to Mexico twice a year-that’s about 3,000 miles. If I was a human, I’d be happy to sit in a classroom and write some pointless letter to a surfing magazine. You actually get extra credit for wasting time in class?

STOP DRAGGIN’ MY HEART AROUND
F-k you for capping on bodyboarders! Are you lame-ass surfers so self-conscious that you have nothing better to do than make fun of other people trying to have a good time? You think just because you ride a surfboard that it makes you better than the people who choose to ride bodyboards? Did you happen to see the shots of the bodyboarders charging Teahupoo? They kick ass over any shot a surfer has ever gotten there. Laird’s wave looks wussy compared to the waves the bodyboarders were getting. Take your big heads out of your asses and give up the bullshit about bodyboarders. You may just get your surfing asses beat by one of us one day. Ted Sanchez
Oceanside, CaliforniaTed,
I may be just a sperm whale, and I may not know all the latest in watercraft technology, but I do know the only creatures in the sea that bodyboard are jellyfish and baby seahorses.You know, Ted, I got a chance to see those guys in Tahiti, and you’re right on that one-they did charge their asses off, but I couldn’t care less. I hate spongers and surfers equally-they both suck, if you ask me.For fun, I like to swim directly under big packs of spongers and then take a big sea-dump. It seeps up through the water and surrounds them in a puddle of goop. That’s how I get my kicks. Then again, what do I know? I’m just a sperm whale.

PROBING QUESTIONS
I have a question regarding a comment you guys made in your Santa Cruz issue. You said the Santa Cruz guys are “Hella hardasses.” Are you saying they’re badass, or that they have good asses? Mike Stetson
Pacific Beach, California

Mike,
Being a sperm whale is not all fun and games. One time this giant jack-off of a blue whale swam up to me and tried to sweat my program. If you’ve never seen a blue whale in the wild, then you wouldn’t know that they’re just big piles of blubbery crap. I’m faster, stronger, and smarter than any blue whale in the ocean. One quick uppercut with my dorsal fin and that fat-ass called it quits. He’ll never call me a sperm bucket again.

POSITIVE NEGATIVITY
I really like your music section. You seem to have a clue on what’s new and good in hip-hop and rock. I consider myself the only surfer in my school to even know what’s going on with hip-hop, even though all these poseur kooks think they’re like gangsters. Those guys think Eminem is the best thing to ever happen to hip-hop, and he isn’t. In my opinion, he sucks, and the people who worship him can suck it, too. I think real hip-hop guys are like Mos Def and De La Soul-those guys have something to say, and they have style. Eminem is just a gangsta wanabe. He could never even hold a candle to Tribe Called Quest. Peace and keep up the good work.

Matt Benson
Newark, New Jersey

Matt,
Some people think the song of the humpback whale is a beautiful siren song from the gentle giants of the deep. What they don’t know is that in whale talk, those sounds are actually cheesy pick-up lines from male humpbacks to female humpbacks. When you hear that weird whistling, it translates into phrases like, “Hey, humpback! Wanna hump?” Or even worse, “Wanna rub my blowhole?” Humpbacks are very perverted and lewd-those beasts are definitely animals.

Well, now that you know my sperm whale friends and I are listening to your stupid conversations, think twice about what you talk about. You may get blasted by a truckload of sperm power. Save the whales!-Hugh The Not-So-Friendly Sperm Whale

I have to swim from Alaska to Mexico twice a year-that’s about 3,000 miles. If I was a human, I’d be happy to sit in a classroom and write some pointless letter to a surfing magazine. You actually get extra credit for wasting time in class?

STOP DRAGGIN’ MY HEART AROUND
F-k you for capping on bodyboarders! Are you lame-ass surfers so self-conscious that you have nothing better to do than make fun of other people trying to have a good time? You think just because you ride a surfboard that it makes you better than the people who choose to ride bodyboards? Did you happen to see the shots of the bodyboarders charging Teahupoo? They kick ass over any shot a surfer has ever gotten there. Laird’s wave looks wussy compared to the waves the bodyboarders were getting. Take your big heads out of your asses and give up the bullshit about bodyboarders. You may just get your surfing asses beat by one of us one day. Ted Sanchez
Oceanside, CaliforniaTed,
I may be just a sperm whale, and I may not know all the latest in watercraft technology, but I do know the only creatures in the sea that bodyboard are jellyfish and baby seahorses.You know, Ted, I got a chance to see those guys in Tahiti, and you’re right on that one-they did charge their asses off, but I couldn’t care less. I hate spongers and surfers equally-they both suck, if you ask me.For fun, I like to swim directly under big packs of spongers and then take a big sea-dump. It seeps up through the water and surrounds them in a puddle of goop. That’s how I get my kicks. Then again, what do I know? I’m just a sperm whale.

PROBING QUESTIONS
I have a question regarding a comment you guys made in your Santa Cruz issue. You said the Santa Cruz guys are “Hella hardasses.” Are you saying they’re badass, or that they have good asses? Mike Stetson
Pacific Beach, California

Mike,
Being a sperm whale is not all fun and games. One time this giant jack-off of a blue whale swam up to me and tried to sweat my program. If you’ve never seen a blue whale in the wild, then you wouldn’t know that they’re just big piles of blubbery crap. I’m faster, stronger, and smarter than any blue whale in the ocean. One quick uppercut with my dorsal fin and that fat-ass called it quits. He’ll never call me a sperm bucket again.

POSITIVE NEGATIVITY
I really like your music section. You seem to have a clue on what’s new and good in hip-hop and rock. I consider myself the only surfer in my school to even know what’s going on with hip-hop, even though all these poseur kooks think they’re like gangsters. Those guys think Eminem is the best thing to ever happen to hip-hop, and he isn’t. In my opinion, he sucks, and the people who worship him can suck it, too. I think real hip-hop guys are like Mos Def and De La Soul-those guys have something to say, and they have style. Eminem is just a gangsta wanabe. He could never even hold a candle to Tribe Called Quest. Peace and keep up the good work.

Matt Benson
Newark, New Jersey

Matt,
Some people think the song of the humpback whale is a beautiful siren song from the gentle giants of the deep. What they don’t know is that in whale talk, those sounds are actually cheesy pick-up lines from male humpbacks to female humpbacks. When you hear that weird whistling, it translates into phrases like, “Hey, humpback! Wanna hump?” Or even worse, “Wanna rub my blowhole?” Humpbacks are very perverted and lewd-those beasts are definitely animals.

Well, now that you know my sperm whale friends and I are listening to your stupid conversations, think twice about what you talk about. You may get blasted by a truckload of sperm power. Save the whales!-Hugh The Not-So-Friendly Sperm Whale