Transmissions 3-6

Transmissions With Marti The Intern

Helloooo! Ew! My name is Marti, Marti the intern! I just got this super new job at TransWorld SURF. I’m so nervous because the first assignment I was given was to answer the letters section! Oh, my gawd! That’s, like, so sweet!I’ll try my best to be nice, but I have been in, like, the wooorst mood lately. My terrier puppy just ran away, and my roomate Dennis was being a total jerk-I was all, “Why are you being a jerk?” and he’s all, “I’m just in a little miff with my boss Herschel down at the gas station. He can be such a little dipstick sometimes!” I was like, T.M.I. (too much information). So he just got all pissy on me. Anyway, it’s a long story. Let’s answer some of these letters, ‘kay?

CALLOUTS
“I seriously, like, hate it when I try to get all my baggage on the plane and the little bitch behind the counter charges me!”

“I sometimes dream that I have, like, three or four pet monkeys who live in my house. They’d do all these chores, and I’d give them little baths all day because my friend George says monkeys are super smelly-but I don’t mind the smell, I like nature.”

“Then my friend came up with a silly grin and goes, “Marti, you put the wetsuit on backward!” I was so embarassed! I wanted to just bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.”

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
Why are we charged 75 dollars one way on Continental for our surfboards? Golf clubs, skis, and snowboards don’t cost more. I pack my clothes in my board bag, so it’s usually the only luggage I have to check in. Can we do anything as a group to stop this discrimination? An extra 150 dollars for a round-trip ticket is a lot. Chris Boni
Pacific Beach, California

Chris Boni,
I love your last name. I seriously, like, hate it when I try to get all my baggage on the plane and the little bitch behind the counter charges me! I just get all, “Oh, my gawd! You evil woman!”One time I was going on a trip to Greece. I only had six suitcases, and the lady was like, “You are not taking all that stuff.” I just, like, looked at her and smiled.I said, “You need to just take these bags.”She’s all, “Well, we’re charging you!”I was all, “Whatever!”Anyway, I hate that.

LEAST COAST INFECTION
Hey, I recently bought your magazine, blind to the fact that you are prejudiced against women and East Coast surfers. I’m a girl, I surf on the East Coast, and I’m pissed you’ve got something against us! And I agree with that guy who said some girl surfers are better than ya’ll.Come on! Do you guys actually think you’re better than Layne Beachley? I thought not. And sorry if I got ya’ll all wrong, but it was hard to understand what you guys were sayin’ when you were talkin’ in that pidgin stuff, or whatever the heck you call it. Just for the record, why do ya’ll cuss all the time? So anyway, don’t hate us girl surfers, or East Coasters. Isn’t Kelly Slater from the East Coast (I’m not sure on that, but I think I read it somewhere)? So take that to the bathroom with you. Later, ya’ll. Jessica Weller
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Jessica,
My favorite town in Florida is West Palm Beach. The architecture, the sunshine, the pastel buildings, the toned bodies, the tanned skin, the Latin flair, and those Cubans. I just love those Cubans-they’re very attractive people.The ladies and gentlemen strut their stuff all over West Palm. It’s a model-watching haven! I’ve seen Cindy Crawford, Tyrese, Fabio, and so many stars like Antonio Sabato Jr., Elton John, Lance Bass from N’Sync, and one time I saw Corey Feldman! I almost just died, I tell you.

I DON’T WANT MY MTV
I just wanted to write you guys and tell you what a great job you’re doing on your mag. The music section is the best. I’ve stopped watching MTV and now look at super rad music mags (and TWS, of course) for all the newest indie rock, hip-hop, and metal. Thankou guys for opening my eyes and the eyes of the surf world. Keep it up. I look forward to every issue.Brian Stockton
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Brian,
I’m with you. I hate MTV, too. Every time I turn it on, there’s some spring-break special or some booty dance video. It’s so, like, jock, you know.One time my friend Glenn and I were watching TRL, and Carson Daly was seriously acting so stupid. I was yelling at the T.V., “What is with you today, Carson? You’re acting so, like, lame.”My friend Glenn was all, “Marti, he’s just a man. He’s not a machine thats just programmed to introduce pop videos. Jeez, just lay back down and relax.”I was just thinking in my head how much better of a host Joey McIntyre is.

VERY HAPPY BEING MEHi, TransWorld! I’m writing to inform you that I’m getting my subscription renewed for another two years. You guys are the best, and I think I’ll be a reader for a long time. One question, though, who answers the letters every month? It seems like they’re either super angry or super stupid. That last one was about some whale or something. It was funny, but I thought it was kind of pointless. Whatever, I love the mag, so who cares? I’m just wondering who’ll answer this letter-a madman, or a whale with a big wiener.

Becky Swenson
Carpenteria, California

Becky,
You are sooo right. I read that sperm-whale letter section and was all, “A talking sperm whale?” That’s sooo Nutty Professor. Have you seen that movie? That little monkey is sooo funny!I was watching that movie one night with my neighbors, Jake and Stephen, and they we’re, like, sooo over it, but I made them watch it. You know what? They were laughing sooo much harder than me! I swear that’s the funniest monkey I’ve ever seen in a movie. I sometimes dream that I have, like, three or four pet monkeys who live in my house. They’d do all these chores, and I’d give them little baths all day because my friend George says monkeys are super smelly-but I don’t mind the smell, I like nature.

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER
I’m writing to say that Bruce Irons is the man! His surfing at Pipeline in that HIC contest was just crazy! He should be world champ. He was just getting away with murder out there-no-handed backside tubes, crazy drops, and huge floaters. That kid’s amazing! That’s all. Did I win anything? Mark Davis
Honolulu, Hawai’I

Mark,
I have a friend named Bruce. He lives next door to a waterslide park called Slippy Slips Wet Willy World. It’s seriously, like, the funnest place ever! I went there with my cousin Francis, and he was having such a good time that he couldn’t stop screaming and running around in circles.I looked at him one time and he was all, “This is, like, the most fun place in the whole world! I looove Slippy Slips Wet Willy World!” It was so hilarious.

I’M NOT A PRO-HO!
Me and my friends have been going to San Clemente Pier every weekend for like the last ten weeks. We stay there all day and surf the little right off the north side of the pier. My question is: Where do all the local San Clemente pros surf? I’d think they’d surf the pier, but I’ve yet to see Wardo, Gavin, Dino, or Shane anywhere. Do they all surf at T-Street or something? I’m not a little pro-ho or anything, I just want to see those guys rip in real life. If any of you guys are reading this: Come surf the San Clemente pier. Let’s do some airs or something.Mike Fredrichs
San Clemente, California

Michael,
One time my brother Seth and I went to a club. We got to meet and eventually party with the Houston Astros! It was, like, so random. We just walked into this one crazy dance club in Vegas, and the whole starting roster for the Astros was all up in the mix. We were all dancing on the floor, the bar, and the tables. Some of those guys even had their cleats still on! I never really thought of the Houston Astros as party boys, but you should’ve seen these guys. All eyes were on them, and they were just eating it up!When The Baja Men’s hit song “Who Let The Dog’s Out?” came on, the scene turned into comptete mayhem! Those boys just went nuts! They were running around grabbing everybody and forcing them out onto the dancefloor until every person in the whole place was up and shaking their groove things. It was amazing!

FROZEN-WATER BURIAL
I saw her again last night. She seduced me in my sleep. Her perfect form and rolling eyes enticed me to take her and ride her home where she belongs in the pocket of my heart. Her freshwater tears whispered stories of horrific winter shipwrecks that only a Michigan man could ever understand. I can see the snow’s reflection in her smile. She knows who her daddy is, so I slid into my 5mm glove and slapped her into submission. There’s something sick about my lust for her. She’s always moody-never the same. I saw her again, but this time she got the pounding of her life. She’s been a very bad girl. Very bad. She likes to be in control, but soon submits to my authority. I am the driver of this vehicle, and my gas tank is never empty. She comes when I call her, but she’s got a cold, cold heart.Jerry DePoy
Muskegon, Michigan

Jerry,
This is a deep poem. You must really love to surf! I know this one guy who works next door to me who loves to surf, too. One time he took me surfing with him! We went to the beach, and he threw me a wetsuit. I didn’t know what to do with the thing, so I just tried to work it on.

As soon as I thought it was on right, I walked out and everybody started laughing at me! I was like, “What?”

Then my friend came up with a silly grin and goes, “Marti, you put the wetsuit on backward!” I was so embarassed! I wanted to just bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.Anyway, I never did get in the water. I’m less of a surfer and more of a sailor.

ix. We were all dancing on the floor, the bar, and the tables. Some of those guys even had their cleats still on! I never really thought of the Houston Astros as party boys, but you should’ve seen these guys. All eyes were on them, and they were just eating it up!When The Baja Men’s hit song “Who Let The Dog’s Out?” came on, the scene turned into comptete mayhem! Those boys just went nuts! They were running around grabbing everybody and forcing them out onto the dancefloor until every person in the whole place was up and shaking their groove things. It was amazing!

FROZEN-WATER BURIAL
I saw her again last night. She seduced me in my sleep. Her perfect form and rolling eyes enticed me to take her and ride her home where she belongs in the pocket of my heart. Her freshwater tears whispered stories of horrific winter shipwrecks that only a Michigan man could ever understand. I can see the snow’s reflection in her smile. She knows who her daddy is, so I slid into my 5mm glove and slapped her into submission. There’s something sick about my lust for her. She’s always moody-never the same. I saw her again, but this time she got the pounding of her life. She’s been a very bad girl. Very bad. She likes to be in control, but soon submits to my authority. I am the driver of this vehicle, and my gas tank is never empty. She comes when I call her, but she’s got a cold, cold heart.Jerry DePoy
Muskegon, Michigan

Jerry,
This is a deep poem. You must really love to surf! I know this one guy who works next door to me who loves to surf, too. One time he took me surfing with him! We went to the beach, and he threw me a wetsuit. I didn’t know what to do with the thing, so I just tried to work it on.

As soon as I thought it was on right, I walked out and everybody started laughing at me! I was like, “What?”

Then my friend came up with a silly grin and goes, “Marti, you put the wetsuit on backward!” I was so embarassed! I wanted to just bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.Anyway, I never did get in the water. I’m less of a surfer and more of a sailor.