Transmissions 3-7


Because this issue’s dedicated to the Top 44 greatest things about surfing, we’ve decided to rate the Top Ten letters we received this month. We love and treasure each and every one we get, so judging them was really hard.We painstakingly read every piece of mail over and over, and revised our list time and time again. Our final choices may shock you, so the explanations are directly below the letters. If you, as a reader, disagree with the ratings, write us a letter of your own.Plus, starting next month, the worst transmission of the month will receive an awesome TransWorld SURF gift pack, so keep those crappy letters coming!

10. ®YO SABE MI BURRO?
Pobres gringos pendejos que no tienen ni su puta madre de cultura. Yo era estaba su cliente y con su nueva revista reflejan lo pendejos que son y serÝn por siempre pinches historias de putos pocos huevos que vienen a nuestro pais. Se nota que son pendejos y puuutos como casi todos los gringos, historias de terror las que podemos contar nosotros con sus pinches cazadores de indocumentados, y se perfectamente ingles pero quiero ver si algun pendejo de su lado puede traducir esto. Luis Cachito
Tijuana, Mexico

Se§or Cachito,
This is the last letter on this list because I only speak peque§o espa§ol. So I let my friend Steve, who’s fluent in Spanish, read it. He said this letter’s mostly full of cuss words and insults. If I could’ve read this letter, it would’ve done mucho better on our list. I understand words like pendejos (I think it means pubic hair) and putos (I think it means male whore), and I figured out that pocos huevos means we don’t have any balls. This letter grew on me, but it’s still number ten on our “Top Ten Letters Of The Month” list.

9. PALM SPRINGS ATTITUDES
I’m writing this letter after a rather disheartening session. I’m speaking not of the waves, but of the “locals.” In Central California, it seems that spots are fiercely guarded by less-than-fierce surfers. This brings me to my general point: As a “local” you have certain rights and privileges-unless, of course, you suck. I’m not saying I rip or even have the right to bring this up, but the “locals” I speak of must find out somehow. If it weren’t for the “fake compliments” you receive from your buddies, your level of incompetence would become frighteningly apparent to you. I understand that surfing’s difficult and some people never get it, so I accept it and have fun.The people who don’t get it fall into the crowd that thinks they get it. They soon become ignorant of substandard performances in the water. I suggest walking around the beach and asking everybody “Hey, you! Was I substandard out there? Hey! Tell me!”You’ll most certainly receive a reply of “Yes, you were substandard out there.” It’s okay, it’s time you found out for yourself how much your attitude and your stink-eyes are not only unwelcome but undeserved. Please stick to things you know, such as wife-beater T-shirts and hard-working, low-paying jobs. These two things no doubt bring you great pleasure, so leave surfing to those of us who enjoy it. Leave your senseless attitudes where they belong-in Palm Springs.Mason Helen Killer
Central California

Helen,
This letter’s kinda shitty. It’s got big words with no real direct insults. I think you were beat up or hassled by some Central Cal dudes, so you wrote us a letter hoping that someday one of those guys who vibed you would read it and know it was about them. They’d feel stupid and vow never to bother anyone ever again.The truth is, those dudes who harassed you in the water most likely either can’t read or hate this magazine, so you’re shit outta luck (as they say in Cleveland). This letter is pointless, but thanks for writing anyway.

8. OH MY GOSH! HE’S SO HOT!
I just saw the newest issue with the Cody Steele Crank Call. I had to write letter to say that he is sooo hot! I’d never heard of him before, but when I saw him in that Crank Call section, I was like freaking out! I’m a big fan of Shane Dorian and Benji Weatherley, but I have to put Cody up on my list now. I thought it was kind of mean that you guys tricked him into sending those photos, but thank god he did because now they’re up on my wall in my room. Your mag rocks, and I can’t wait to see the next one. Hopefully there’ll be some more shots of Cody, or any other hot guy! Kay Heston
Seal Beach, California

P.S. If you ever want me to interview Cody, I will.

Ms. Heston,
This was a pretty good letter. When Cody first saw his Crank Call layout, he was a little upset with us. I told him to just relax, because all kinds of chicks are gonna for sure write letters and become Cody fans. He didn’t believe me, but here’s proof. Kay is the first of many to fall under the spell of the shirtless Cody. I’m sure there’ll be many girls to follow, so stay tuned-or if you’re gonna take your shirt off, stay toned.

7. ALIEN ABDUCTIONI’m writing to let you know I’ve been following your mag since last year when my mom bought me a subscription for Christmas. I think it’s really good. I like your mag and Surfer. This is how I stay in touch with surfing, and I think you guys do a great job covering the exciting things about it. That interview with Gavin Beschen was one of the best interviews ever. I thought it was cool how you guys asked questions like he was really an alien from outer space. Well, that’s all I had to say. Keep rocking. Brett Morgan
Ventura, California

Brett,
You sound like a very innocent kid, so we’ll take it easy on you. I liked your letter, even though it’s kind of weak. You’re right about us being really good, but you didn’t have to say that Surfer was also good. If you’re gonna say that shit, send them a letter.Thank you for the compliments about the Gavin thing. Next time, put a little more thought and effort into your letter so it’ll be better than just mediocre. Use big words like “synergy” and “cross-hooked.” We’ll be stoked on you, bro.

6. DUH, DID I WIN ANYTHING?
Hi! My name is Dave Edmunds. I was wondering if I won anything from the giveaway you guys did last month. If I did, will you contact me at ——- Solomon Road, Jacksonville, Florida? Dave Edmunds
Jacksonville, Florida

Mister Edmunds,
I think you might’ve won something for our “World’s Most Impatient Contest-Entrant Giveaway.” You should’ve written something like, “Hey, dudes! Give me something!” You should learn how to be a little more patient, Dave. Try this exercise: Put some water in an ice tray, and then put it in the freezer. Force yourself to wait four hours before you open the freezer and retrieve the tray. Now pour yourself a tall glass of lemonade and put those fresh ice cubes in there. Doesn’t it taste good now that you’ve waited?

5. BOOT-CAMP SURVIVOR
What’s happening! I’m seventeen and in boot camp in the middle of Montana. I was dragged up here to make a choice. I’m originally from Santa Barbara, California, and I have no intentions of staying up here. I get every one of your mags from my bro in S.B. If it wasn’t for him and TransWorld SURF, how the hell would I survive this? Some good things about boot camp are that I’m getting my shit together, getting in shape, and graduating in June. I’ve been here for four months, and I’ve only got one month to go. Keep up the badass magazine, and I’ll catch you on the next wave.Ryan Dafoe
Bozeman, Montana

Private Dafoe,
Great letter, brother. I feel for you. I love letters from different places, and I’m also a sucker for sad stories. I only wish I knew what you did to your poor parents. What vile deed did you participate in to deserve boot camp? Did you smoke a cigarette? Did you have a party and pass out drunk on the nieghbor’s lawn, only to wake up with the ‘rents all up in your face? Did you film your parents having sex and distribute it on the Internet? Next time, tell us more and your letter will be all the better. Thanks to your S.B. bro for sending you the mags, and thank you, Ryan, for writing. By the way, that TV show Boot Camp sucks royal ass.

4. MODEST MOUSE IS GREAT
I read your recent article about Modest Mouse. The first time I heard them was about that time, and I fell in love. My boyfriend at the time heard them on the college station down here, and he got all excited and told me about them. We usually never agree on music, and he and I had no idea what “indie” or “emo” was. So we went to Sound Revolution and picked up the new Modest Mouse album The Moon & Antartica. I thought the boy was nuts until I heard the first song I ever heard by them-“3rd Planet” (first song on The Moon, duh!) I was like, “Wow! This sounds interesting-different.”I only had to hear the song “Paper Thin Walls” once, and it was forever stuck in my head. “Gravity Rides” gave me chills, and the rest is history. I think I know almost every Modest Mouse song that’s been put out. When Justin introduced them to me, he said, “Welcome to your new favorite band.” He was so right. “Night On The Sun” has become my most favorite song of all time. Anyway, you’re right about them … so right. Lindsay
San Diego, California

Lindsay,
Thanks, we love being right. Modest Mouse is a great rock band. The more people who hear about the group, the better. We liked this letter because it proves someone’s actually reading the magazine and listening to some of the shit we review. Now we can keep getting all the new albums and brag about getting them before everyone else.

3. YOU GUYS ARE SHIT
Wow, you guys are just brilliant. Your use of the word shit has reached an all-time high, and man, do you use it well. I love to surf, and I love to read surf magazines, but what the hell do aliens or race cars have to do with surfing? You guys have some So Cal attitude that reeks of shit (that’s how you use the word).This is especially directed at C.C.-you’re an immature, arrogant jerk. I’ve read how you respond to people’s letters-you disguise yourself like a wizard or some robot. Hey, idiot! WE ALL KNOW IT’S YOU. You’re not fooling anyone with your crap. Anyway, you guys may think you’re cool down in So Cal, but if you tried to pull that shit up here in Oxnard, you’d get your stupid asses kicked right out of here. Steve L.
Oxnard, California

Steve L.,
First of all, tough guy, the robot wants to challenge you to a mind-wave duel, and the wizard has already cast a spell on your genitals-soon they’ll be swollen and blue.As you use your harsh words and written insults to attack me, I can only say this: You are a literary brain surgeon with shit for brains. That’s the best thing I could say to you, because it not only mocks you, but it insults you at the same time.

2. CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION
I would like to cancel my son’s subscription to TransWorld SURF magazine. I feel that it’s inappropriate and disgusting. The subscription’s under my son’s name, Mike Frisce. Please do not send any more issues. Thank you.JoAnn Frisce
San Clemente, California

Dearest Frisce family,
This letter is a gem! Dude, Mike-your mom’s a tripper. I’ll bet she still spanks you and grounds you from watching television. Hey, JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, “Who gives a f-k what you think?”Hmm. Maybe that was a little too harsh. Oh, great-now I’m the bad guy. Mike, I can tell your mom’s really good at the ol’ guilt trip. She did it to me while I was reading her letter. Anyway, her handwriting is cile deed did you participate in to deserve boot camp? Did you smoke a cigarette? Did you have a party and pass out drunk on the nieghbor’s lawn, only to wake up with the ‘rents all up in your face? Did you film your parents having sex and distribute it on the Internet? Next time, tell us more and your letter will be all the better. Thanks to your S.B. bro for sending you the mags, and thank you, Ryan, for writing. By the way, that TV show Boot Camp sucks royal ass.

4. MODEST MOUSE IS GREAT
I read your recent article about Modest Mouse. The first time I heard them was about that time, and I fell in love. My boyfriend at the time heard them on the college station down here, and he got all excited and told me about them. We usually never agree on music, and he and I had no idea what “indie” or “emo” was. So we went to Sound Revolution and picked up the new Modest Mouse album The Moon & Antartica. I thought the boy was nuts until I heard the first song I ever heard by them-“3rd Planet” (first song on The Moon, duh!) I was like, “Wow! This sounds interesting-different.”I only had to hear the song “Paper Thin Walls” once, and it was forever stuck in my head. “Gravity Rides” gave me chills, and the rest is history. I think I know almost every Modest Mouse song that’s been put out. When Justin introduced them to me, he said, “Welcome to your new favorite band.” He was so right. “Night On The Sun” has become my most favorite song of all time. Anyway, you’re right about them … so right. Lindsay
San Diego, California

Lindsay,
Thanks, we love being right. Modest Mouse is a great rock band. The more people who hear about the group, the better. We liked this letter because it proves someone’s actually reading the magazine and listening to some of the shit we review. Now we can keep getting all the new albums and brag about getting them before everyone else.

3. YOU GUYS ARE SHIT
Wow, you guys are just brilliant. Your use of the word shit has reached an all-time high, and man, do you use it well. I love to surf, and I love to read surf magazines, but what the hell do aliens or race cars have to do with surfing? You guys have some So Cal attitude that reeks of shit (that’s how you use the word).This is especially directed at C.C.-you’re an immature, arrogant jerk. I’ve read how you respond to people’s letters-you disguise yourself like a wizard or some robot. Hey, idiot! WE ALL KNOW IT’S YOU. You’re not fooling anyone with your crap. Anyway, you guys may think you’re cool down in So Cal, but if you tried to pull that shit up here in Oxnard, you’d get your stupid asses kicked right out of here. Steve L.
Oxnard, California

Steve L.,
First of all, tough guy, the robot wants to challenge you to a mind-wave duel, and the wizard has already cast a spell on your genitals-soon they’ll be swollen and blue.As you use your harsh words and written insults to attack me, I can only say this: You are a literary brain surgeon with shit for brains. That’s the best thing I could say to you, because it not only mocks you, but it insults you at the same time.

2. CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION
I would like to cancel my son’s subscription to TransWorld SURF magazine. I feel that it’s inappropriate and disgusting. The subscription’s under my son’s name, Mike Frisce. Please do not send any more issues. Thank you.JoAnn Frisce
San Clemente, California

Dearest Frisce family,
This letter is a gem! Dude, Mike-your mom’s a tripper. I’ll bet she still spanks you and grounds you from watching television. Hey, JoAnn! Ever heard the phrase, “Who gives a f-k what you think?”Hmm. Maybe that was a little too harsh. Oh, great-now I’m the bad guy. Mike, I can tell your mom’s really good at the ol’ guilt trip. She did it to me while I was reading her letter. Anyway, her handwriting is cold and perfect. She’s a psycho, I can tell.

1. MY SUMMER DAY
When summer is here
The ocean is warm.
I wake up early and go to the beach.
I’m not alone.
Everyone who feels like me
They are there
Sitting like birds in the distance.
I run to the water.
I work my arms and legs hard.
I want to join them.
Finally, I get there.
We all sit there and wait.
And wait.
Here it comes.
I get ready, this one is mine!
I’m up, I’m an airplane waiting to land.
I don’t want it to end
But it always does.
So I pick up my surfboard
And do it again and again.
I’d stay all day if I had my way.
Chelsea Wells
Age 10
Cocoa Beach, Florida

Chelsea,
This is the best letter of the month. There was some rotten potty-mouth from me earlier, so I apologize. Chelsea, you’ve painted a beautiful picture with words. The line “sitting like birds in the distance” really touched me. Honestly, this is what letters to a magazine should be all about-not letters with complaints and insults, begging for free products, or hurting people’s feelings.Chelsea, I’m sorry you have to see all those bad words on this page. Sometimes grown-ups talk like turkeys and don’t know that there’re little ears listening. Anyway, thanks for making sense of this crazy world with your poetry. Chelsea, you are an angel.

CALLOUTS
“I understand words like pendejos (I think it means pubic hair) and putos (I think it means male whore), and I figured out that pocos huevos means we don’t have any balls.”

“As you use your harsh words and written insults to attack me, I can only say this: You are a literary brain surgeon with shit for brains.”

“First of all, tough guy, the robot wants to challenge you to a mind-wave duel, and the wizard has already cast a spell on your genitals-soon they’ll be swollen and blue.”

“Did you film your parents having sex and distribute it on the Internet?”

is cold and perfect. She’s a psycho, I can tell.

1. MY SUMMER DAY
When summer is here
The ocean is warm.
I wake up early and go to the beach.
I’m not alone.
Everyone who feels like me
They are there
Sitting like birds in the distance.
I run to the water.
I work my arms and legs hard.
I want to join them.
Finally, I get there.
We all sit there and wait.
And wait.
Here it comes.
I get ready, this one is mine!
I’m up, I’m an airplane waiting to land.
I don’t want it to end
But it always does.
So I pick up my surfboard
And do it again and again.
I’d stay all day if I had my way.
Chelsea Wells
Age 10
Cocoa Beach, Florida

Chelsea,
This is the best letter of the month. There was some rotten potty-mouth from me earlier, so I apologize. Chelsea, you’ve painted a beautiful picture with words. The line “sitting like birds in the distance” really touched me. Honestly, this is what letters to a magazine should be all about-not letters with complaints and insults, begging for free products, or hurting people’s feelings.Chelsea, I’m sorry you have to see all those bad words on this page. Sometimes grown-ups talk like turkeys and don’t know that there’re little ears listening. Anyway, thanks for making sense of this crazy world with your poetry. Chelsea, you are an angel.

CALLOUTS
“I understand words like pendejos (I think it means pubic hair) and putos (I think it means male whore), and I figured out that pocos huevos means we don’t have any balls.”

“As you use your harsh words and written insults to attack me, I can only say this: You are a literary brain surgeon with shit for brains.”

“First of all, tough guy, the robot wants to challenge you to a mind-wave duel, and the wizard has already cast a spell on your genitals-soon they’ll be swollen and blue.”

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“Did you film your parents having sex and distribute it on the Internet?”