Transmissions With Friends Star Jennifer Aniston

Hi, everybody! My name is Jennifer Aniston. You may know me from such hit movies as Office Space and Leprechaun. I also have a little television show called Friends that you may have heard of.

First off, I’m a big fan of surfers and an even bigger fan of TransWorld SURF! Every month, I can’t wait for my subscription to come in the mail. I just wait by my mailbox, saving up a big ol’ poop, because when my new issue comes, I’m on the toilet, reading, dumping, and laughing my ass off-literally!

I called TransWorld last month and begged them to let me do something for their great magazine. They blew me off at first, but a month later they called back and asked if I’d like to answer some letters for them. I was so excited, I almost shit myself!

Well, here goes … hit me with your best letters, people.

RED HAWAI’IHey, butt pirates! The people who work at this TransWorld mag are a bunch of f-king donkeys, with the exception of Shibata because he rips, cuz. Why would you do a pidgin issue? So some kid will come over here and get his ass beat? You don’t even rip on people with style. Stop trying to be Big Brother. It’s not working for you. My father was pretty pissed, too. Our grocery store will no longer carry your shitty attempt at a surf mag. Nobody bought it, anyway. Hopefully, someone gon’ broke your face, you f-kas.P.B. North Shore, Hawai’iHey P.B.,How can you say that? I thought The Pidgin Issue was hilarious! Brad Pitt, my wonderful husband, and I sat by our fireplace and read that issue cover to cover-twice! You know who Brad Pitt is, right? He played the hunk role in a bunch of blockbuster films such as Thelma And Louise, Fight Club, and The Mexican. He also played a dead guy in Meet Joe Black. Anyway, we love to read TransWorld while we’re … uh, getting friendly, if you catch my drift.

WILL SLURP FOR FOODHi, my name is Julia “Gulia” Corral. I was reading your Mimi-contest article, and I decided I’m going to apply because the three things I love most in life are writing, partying, and surfers. So it was my destiny!I was raised to be an attentive, obedient worker. I’ll do whatever my internship calls for, whether it’s going to 7Eleven on Red Bull runs or proofreading. If worse comes to worst-if anyone on the TransWorld staff gets a rash from their new wetsuit, I’ll rub ointment on their ass! I can also give great advice on relationships because I’ve been around the block a couple of times.The truth is, I’m eighteen years old and graduating in two weeks! All my friends have lame summer jobs, and I want a cool one. I attempt to surf, and I do read your mag (I have the first issue to prove it), so I’m not completely lost in the surf “biz.” I’m a cheerleader, so I can bring spunk and high kicks to the Oceanside office! Rah rah! Well, whatever happens, happens. Julie CorralLa Habra, California

P.S. If I don’t even come close to getting the job, please give Bobby Martinez a big kiss for me because I think he’s sex on a stick.

Julie,I also had the dream of being the next Mimi, but when the guys at TransWorld told me I couldn’t be Mimi and also be married, I was crushed. I had a decision on my hands: divorce Brad Pitt, or lose my chance for a job at TransWorld SURF. I would’ve also had to quit my job at Friends, so I factored that in, too. When I told Brad there was a chance I was leaving him, he completely broke down and started crying. When I mentioned my dream to my Friends costar Matthew Perry, he immediately started taking painkillers and drinking heavily. In the end, I decided to make a sacrifice to save my marriage, so I stuck with my day job.

BAD SEED LIKES CORYI’m writing this letter to let you know who my favorite O’Neill rider is. I’m sorry if it’s late, but I just got out of juvenile hall. Anyway, it’s Cory Lopez because he rides big-ass waves and has a good style. I really hope I win this because I buy O’Neill stuff all the time-it’s reay comfortable. Payden Petrich Huntington Beach, California

Payden,When I first got my “bob” haircut, it was all the rage. Little did everybody know, it was an accident. I went to this one hairdresser, who was like, completely obsessed with Brad. She intentionally tried to sabotage me with a shitty haircut, but it totally backfired on her limp ass. Everybody was raving about my new ‘do-I’m still the talk of the town. One hint for you, though, Payden: stay in school, and stay out of juvenile hall.

WILL SLURP FOR FOOD, TAKE TWOFirst of all, I’d like to say that I like everything you’re doing with your magazine. The articles are extremely reflective, to the point, and violently funny at times-just an all-around great mag.But what I’d like is some info on how to get into the industry of extreme sports, the work that goes into putting together such a great magazine.I’m a die-hard surfer/skater/snowboarder who’d very much like to get into the business of working for the TransWorld organization. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I look forward to your response. Nathan Wright Hollywood, California

Nathan,Speaking of toilet-reading TransWorld SURF, I remember a few issues ago when I was locked in my bathroom for like three hours just examining every word and scanning the photos like I was an archaeologist and they were historic Egyptian documents. I’d finished my bowel excavation hours earlier, but I just couldn’t bring myself to wipe and move on with my day.

SURF TO SKATE, SKATE TO SURFI’m a skateboarder who has a lot of friends who surf. We’re always arguing over which is harder, surfing or skating. Of course, they say surfing is way harder, but what do they know? All the surfers at my school try to dress exactly like skaters, and when I look at surf mags, they’re full of photos of guys trying to bust skate tricks, like shove-its and stalefish grabs and shit. I think surfers are just ripping skaters off. Brandt Pasadena, CaliforniaBrandtly,It’s a little-known fact that my husband Brad Pitt skates and surfs. Yep, we have a four-foot mini ramp in the backyard of our Beverly Hills mansion. It’s a fun little bowl with a six-foot extension and cement pool coping along two of the corners.

Brad’s usually a tech-dog, but sometimes he’ll go out there and carve the corners-you know, pretend he’s surfing. A lot of times, though, he’ll just cruise in the driveway and slash the little curb we have next to where we park the Ferrari.

When he does surf, he surfs Lowers with Crimo or Justin Matteson. They’ll go out all day, throwing varials and one-motions-just trying crazy tricks. He dresses like a skater most of the time, but he usually rocks Versace or Prada.

LONG-ASS LETTERI’d say I woke up at about 5:45 (or at the latest, six) that morning. I was amped. I picked up this girl I met at school who looked good and said she enjoyed surfing. The ride down to the coast was good. All went smoothly as we pulled up to Beacons-it looked really fun.

We paddled out and enjoyed an almost empty beach … that is until this guy-who had to be at least 50 years old, we’ll call him Larry-cruised out with his balding, long-haired crew. The first thing I noticed about these guys is how they talked about how they “used to surf,” and how good it was “back in the day.” The second thing I noticed was that the original goon with the balding, stringy mullet and mustache was riding a super eggy little Nezzy.

These guys gave off some bad vibes, but regardless of that, it was fun. However, about 30 minutes after their arrival, my calf met with Larry’s board midway through a duck dive. Since I was underwater, I didn’t see the aftermath that sent Larry flying forward and made my leg super uncomfortable.

This suprised me because he had to have shot down the line super fast to have hit me. He started talking mad shit-calling me “kid,” “kook,” and a lot of stuff you can’t print in mags. So I told him I was sorry, but he insisted, as I paddled away, that he was going to kill me in the parking lot. I suppose Larry, mullet and all, had to prove something to his buddies, because when he came up to my truck, he got in my face.

Bad breath and spit fueled this hate game, and I said a few things back to Larry. The thought never crossed my mind that was I going to get in a scrap with a 50 year old. Larry continued to tell me how he would annihilate me and whatnot. After about ten minutes of him degrading me and looking like an idiot, he turned around and stomped on my board as it lay on my board bag. The fin boxes on my board were ripped out of the bottom. Later, I peeled off my traction pad-my board was so stressed, the fiberglass was peeling up and delaminating. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but about halfway home, the girl started laughing at me. I was all furious, and she called me a “little puss.” This letter’s for Larry and the girl to let you both know you are what’s wrong with this world. I haven’t surfed for two weeks because I can’t afford a new board. Thanks, Larry! I owe you one.James Finster via e-mailJimmy,I’m sorry, what were you saying? I fell asleep reading your long-ass letter. When I was on the set of Office Space, one of my costars (the nerd who played the role of Michael Bolton) asked me if I ever French-kissed someone with a mouthful of rotten milk.

I was like, “What the shit did you just say to me?”He was all, “Have you ever French-kissed on a bed full of cotton and silk with a mouthful of rotten milk?”

I slapped him across the face and stormed out of my trailer. I tried to get him fired, but he apologized, and life went on. Anyway, Office Space is my best role ever, so if you haven’t seen the movie, go see it.

PLEASE BE NICE TO MEI think you guys have a great magazine, but I have one complaint: Every time someone asks you a serious question in the letters section, you always answer them with some snotty smart-mouthed remark. It’s cool that you’re trying to be funny and all that, but why not just answer the person’s questions? If those people took the time to write in, then obviously they care about getting a valid response. Maybe every once in a while you could just be cool and help them out. I don’t know, maybe it could still be funny or something. Just a thought.James Kredwell Mendicino, California

Jimmy,For starters, I’d never ever say a smart-mouthed comment to a fan of TransWorld SURF! I mean, I’m the biggest fan of TransWorld SURF in the world! Tell you what, James, I’ll answer your letter like this:

“This letter sucks. It shows that you’re a whiner and a loser. Please do not write letters to TransWorld SURF unless you have something to say or a story to tell.”

There you go, James. How was that response?

JUST SHITTIN’ HERE IN SCHOOL

One time in my second-period English class, I farted and found myself in an “Oops, I crapped my pants” situation. The flatulation didn’t make a sound, so my class and teacher were unaware of my misfortune. The fart just kinda oozed out of my buttocks and into jelly form (which leaked into my underwear). It was very uncomfortable-I was sweating bricks, hoping no one could tell I had just released warm, runny, brown liquid into my pelvic region. To my horror, a stale, pungent smell caught up with me about 45 minutes later. The cute girl in front of me turned around, held her nose, and was like, “Eww! What’s that smell? Is it you, Chuck? Do you reek of shit?” Chuck Thompson Seal Beach, California

Hey stink-boy,Is this a joke, Chuck? Some people actually do have the “Oops, I crapped my pants” problem, one of them being my Friends costar Courtney Cox. I remember on one episode where we were planning her wedding, and right in the middle of delivering another perky joke, she delivered something a little bit extra of her own-something a little stuff you can’t print in mags. So I told him I was sorry, but he insisted, as I paddled away, that he was going to kill me in the parking lot. I suppose Larry, mullet and all, had to prove something to his buddies, because when he came up to my truck, he got in my face.

Bad breath and spit fueled this hate game, and I said a few things back to Larry. The thought never crossed my mind that was I going to get in a scrap with a 50 year old. Larry continued to tell me how he would annihilate me and whatnot. After about ten minutes of him degrading me and looking like an idiot, he turned around and stomped on my board as it lay on my board bag. The fin boxes on my board were ripped out of the bottom. Later, I peeled off my traction pad-my board was so stressed, the fiberglass was peeling up and delaminating. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but about halfway home, the girl started laughing at me. I was all furious, and she called me a “little puss.” This letter’s for Larry and the girl to let you both know you are what’s wrong with this world. I haven’t surfed for two weeks because I can’t afford a new board. Thanks, Larry! I owe you one.James Finster via e-mailJimmy,I’m sorry, what were you saying? I fell asleep reading your long-ass letter. When I was on the set of Office Space, one of my costars (the nerd who played the role of Michael Bolton) asked me if I ever French-kissed someone with a mouthful of rotten milk.

I was like, “What the shit did you just say to me?”He was all, “Have you ever French-kissed on a bed full of cotton and silk with a mouthful of rotten milk?”

I slapped him across the face and stormed out of my trailer. I tried to get him fired, but he apologized, and life went on. Anyway, Office Space is my best role ever, so if you haven’t seen the movie, go see it.

PLEASE BE NICE TO MEI think you guys have a great magazine, but I have one complaint: Every time someone asks you a serious question in the letters section, you always answer them with some snotty smart-mouthed remark. It’s cool that you’re trying to be funny and all that, but why not just answer the person’s questions? If those people took the time to write in, then obviously they care about getting a valid response. Maybe every once in a while you could just be cool and help them out. I don’t know, maybe it could still be funny or something. Just a thought.James Kredwell Mendicino, California

Jimmy,For starters, I’d never ever say a smart-mouthed comment to a fan of TransWorld SURF! I mean, I’m the biggest fan of TransWorld SURF in the world! Tell you what, James, I’ll answer your letter like this:

“This letter sucks. It shows that you’re a whiner and a loser. Please do not write letters to TransWorld SURF unless you have something to say or a story to tell.”

There you go, James. How was that response?

JUST SHITTIN’ HERE IN SCHOOL

One time in my second-period English class, I farted and found myself in an “Oops, I crapped my pants” situation. The flatulation didn’t make a sound, so my class and teacher were unaware of my misfortune. The fart just kinda oozed out of my buttocks and into jelly form (which leaked into my underwear). It was very uncomfortable-I was sweating bricks, hoping no one could tell I had just released warm, runny, brown liquid into my pelvic region. To my horror, a stale, pungent smell caught up with me about 45 minutes later. The cute girl in front of me turned around, held her nose, and was like, “Eww! What’s that smell? Is it you, Chuck? Do you reek of shit?” Chuck Thompson Seal Beach, California

Hey stink-boy,Is this a joke, Chuck? Some people actually do have the “Oops, I crapped my pants” problem, one of them being my Friends costar Courtney Cox. I remember on one episode where we were planning her wedding, and right in the middle of delivering another perky joke, she delivered something a little bit extra of her own-something a little bit stinky and a little bit runny.She was so embarrassed that she ran off the set and cried in her trailer for two hours. Haven’t you noticed that she hasn’t been wearing those skin-tight clothes lately? It’s ’cause she’s wearing Depends. You know, adult diapers.

I’d like to personally thank TransWorld SURF for letting me answer letters, and also a special thanks to the hordes of TransWorld SURF fans around the world! I’m one of you, and we are an army of many. Keep up the fight for dominance in this eggbeater industry.

This is a parody. Jennifer Aniston did not write this crap. We did.tle bit stinky and a little bit runny.She was so embarrassed that she ran off the set and cried in her trailer for two hours. Haven’t you noticed that she hasn’t been wearing those skin-tight clothes lately? It’s ’cause she’s wearing Depends. You know, adult diapers.

I’d like to personally thank TransWorld SURF for letting me answer letters, and also a special thanks to the hordes of TransWorld SURF fans around the world! I’m one of you, and we are an army of many. Keep up the fight for dominance in this eggbeater industry.

This is a parody. Jennifer Aniston did not write this crap. We did.