Transmissions With The Tim O’Connor

For those of you who don’t know of him, Tim O’Connor is a pro skateboarder. Residing in Morristown, New Jersey, Tim’s a big part of the East Coast skateboard phenomenon that includes Bam Margera, Kerry Getz, Stevie Williams, Ryan Gee, Love Park, Phillyside, and all that.But Tim’s talents don’t stop at skateboarding¿he’s also a professional smartass. He’s never surfed before in his life, but he’s definitely answered his share of dumb-kid mail, so we thought he might want to take a shot at your drivel.Ladies and gents, enjoy your time with the man skateboarding calls simply The Tim.

Transmissions With The TimLetters answered by Tim O’Connor

For those of you who don’t know of him, Tim O’Connor is a pro skateboarder. Residing in Morristown, New Jersey, Tim’s a big part of the East Coast skateboard phenomenon that includes Bam Margera, Kerry Getz, Stevie Williams, Ryan Gee, Love Park, Phillyside, and all that.But Tim’s talents don’t stop at skateboarding¿he’s also a professional smartass. He’s never surfed before in his life, but he’s definitely answered his share of dumb-kid mail, so we thought he might want to take a shot at your drivel.Ladies and gents, enjoy your time with the man skateboarding calls simply The Tim.¿J.P.

WHY BEACH ABOUT IT?Why is it that people come to the beach to fry their pale skin in the blazing sun? Is it me, or do vast amounts of brainless cattle (humans) converge on the beaches of all U.S. coastal cities in the summer? I mean, I don’t want to be at the beach at all if I’m not surfing. The place is filled with riff raff, drifters, and speed freaks who only want to jack you for your stuff. I hate the beach! If there aren’t waves, I never go there.I’m not a head case, either¿I’ve never had any bad experiences at the beach. I have, however, witnessed many bad things at the place where the ocean meets land, and it’s not a pretty picture.This one time I saw two bums fight over a piece of fried chicken that someone had previously dropped. It had black sand all over it¿full puke material, for sure. It was disgusting! The two vagrants were so f¿ked up that they both swung at each other at the same time, missed, overrotated, and fell forward simultaneously into the seawall headfirst. Then some other shitbag ran up, took the chicken, and hauled ass before the other two bums knew what hit them. It was funny, but later on I realized what a scumhole the beach has become. Where can I ride one of those stationary wave machines? F¿k the beach trash!Brad ReillyLos Angeles, CaliforniaBrad,That stuff going on around the beach gives it extra flavor. Bums fighting over chicken is one of the purest forms of entertainment. These are the things you need to see to consider yourself to be truly living. There are derelicts all over the planet, and derelicts often make it to the beach, too. Who gives a hell! Seeing these things will thicken your skin and make you a more well-rounded human. Watching people live wrong and sin is a good time. Bums fighting = funny.

MUSIC TO OUR EARSI just wanted to write in to say how much I like your magazine. It’s not often that I take the time to write a letter to anyone¿let alone a surf mag. Anyway, I’m writing to say that I love the music section of your mag. The guys who do the reviews really know good music when they hear it. I’ve been turned onto a lot of great indie-rock thanks to your music reviewers, C.C. and A.S. I don’t know their names (or if they’re male or female), but thanks to them, I’ve been listening to bands like Modest Mouse, Built To Spill, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mogwai, High On Fire, Radiohead, The Melvins, Nebula, Tortoise, Trans Am¿the list goes on. Also, I’ve been checking out some music-only magazines lately and you guys are right in step with what they say is a cool album people should buy. I want to personally thank the editors for turning me onto some kick-ass music. Thanks, guys!Jeffrey Gilbert Jr.ightsville Beach, North Carolina

Jeffrey,You’re a real positive mammal. I’m happy that you’re happy with the music. One thing, though¿you shouldn’t use the term “kick-ass.” It’s not hip anymore.

RIGHT DIRECTIONI’m writing this letter to you guys because I’m not a lazy person and I really love your magazine. I just started surfing about three years ago, and I’m pretty bad, but I’m trying to get better. I also have been skating since I was fourteen¿I’m eighteen now¿and love to skate ledges and gaps every day. I wanted to know if you guys think I should stop skateboarding, because I want to get really good at surfing. Or do you think I should do both? Do you think surfing and skating help each other? I’m way better at skating than I am at surfing, so I need some help here. Please put me in the right direction. Any advice would be cool.Josh StantonPacific Heights, CaliforniaP.S. I like the fact that your mag is the only surf mag that doesn’t run stupid longboard skate ads. Zoo York rules! TWS rules!

Josh,Did you actually need to write a letter to figure this dilemma out for yourself? I think not. Do both if you like doing both, or just quit one if you don’t like doing the other. Problem solved. I rode for Zoo York once. Peace.

TANDEM THOUGHTSI think you guys are neglecting a big part of surfing¿tandem surfing! I’ve been tandem surfing at San Onofre for the past seven years, and let me tell you something¿if you want to talk progression and expression, there’s nothing that can beat the dance of two people on one board riding one wave. Tandem surfing is like ballet or figure skating. It’s more of an art form than just shredding down the line. I have written Surfer and Surfing both about this, and I’ve never gotten any responses. I think that maybe TransWorld SURF has the balls to show some young, up-and-coming tandem surfers. Maybe I’m wrong, so decide for yourself. All I know is that tandem surfing is here to stay, and it kicks butt over regular ripping any day!Cindy KeltcherSan Clemente, California

Cindy,Waaa ha ha ha ha ha! There’s a reason those other magazines didn’t respond to your other letters, ’cause that tandem shit is bananas. Keep your artsy boyfriend off your board, girlie, ’cause the whole point of surfing is to be doing something strictly for self¿I would think that’s where the art comes into it. Save the ballet for the stage. If I saw you doin’ that water dance in reality, I’d let out a cackle so loud you’d be reading about it in the paper the next day. Okay, thanks for writing. Please come again.

DIPSHITSDude, you guys are, like, soo cool! I always read your surf mag and it’s soo funny! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m being sarcastic. I think you guys are stupid and you’re not even funny at all. I read surf magazines to see photos of guys getting shacked at Pipe, or for sick turns at J-Bay, not to read some stupid attempt at comedy or sarcasm. Whenever I read your magazine, it sounds like you’re making fun of surfers and even surfing. I don’t get it. Aren’t you guys supposed to be a magazine for surfing? What good’s it doing anyone if all you do is make fun of people who actually surf? Do you guys even surf? If you do, have any real surfers out there ever threatened to kick your ass out in the lineup? James OstranderVirginia Beach, Virginia

James,Ha ha, you said the word “shacked”! James, you are what we call a pathetic American bottom-feeder. I love that you got annoyed by the way the letters were answered in this magazine. Annoying people is fun. Just ’cause someone surfs doesn’t mean they escape the wrath of getting dissed. There’re only a handful of people in every walk of life who have figured out how to live properly, and the rest of them are subject to daily dissings until they get it right. I must agree, though, I hate it when people are trying to be funny, but they can’t do it ’cause they just aren’t. That’s my biggest pet peeve of all. When people try that stunt around me, I immediately shoot my piss on them and pummel them with assorted rotten fruits. Hey, you know what? I know this girl named Alicia who lives in your town. Tell her I said “Hi.” I don’t surf, either. Bye.

SURFING HEMMINGWAYI’m a surf novelist who’s trying to get a book published aboutthe surfing lifestyle. It’s called “The Tube Of Life,” and it’s about a drug-free Christian kid who battles daily with the trials of being a teenager. Hopefully, you’ll publish this letter and give everyone the chance to feel what I’m feeling right now. Thanks and stay stoked.

My weakening shoulders tightened with every stroke as myinsignificant piece of Pacific Ocean energy swelled beneath my board.Was this the right decision? Too late, its momentum was overwhelming both my senses and my abilities. The lip, every surfer’s dream, became my vision as it drastically moved forward like a vulture circling its dead prey. I’m a vegetarian, so I prepared myself for battle against an evil nemesis whose kinetic strength was a collection of one storm’s wrath thousands of miles away.”No, I’m not gonna let this patch of water take me over,” I said to myself. “This is my domain.” With the confidence of a lemur, I pushed my body up, slid my knees beneath me, and posed my body into a fluid motion of a ballerina mid-dance. My stage felt no longer daunting, and my stance was composed for action as my glass house encircled me and now composed my world. Its raging, spitting boiler followed me to let me know this was pressure time and I had to burst out. Seconds flew until my world reacquainted me with my past.Glass became light, blur transcended into light, and I had escaped. With my arms in the air and my voice throttled to the fullest howl of a wolf, I was claiming nirvana¿”the tube of life.”Derek Todd KoshaOceanside, CaliforniaDerek,Whoa, buddy! Like a lemur? The tube of life? You sound like a real lunatic. I have nothing against vegetarians, but it seemed really random how you threw that one in there when little Billy was trying to catch a wave. Real irrelevant and shit. Whatever, I guess it’s cool. Later.

SURFPARKSI’m a surfer, but with all the skateparks they’ve been building around where I live, I can’t help but be a skater, too. I was thinking how if wave pools became a trend like skateparks have, maybe cities would start building them and surfing would one day be as popular as skateboarding has always been.Just a thought.Mark BuchanMiami, FloridaMark,Wave pools? Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? No way in hell are wave pools gonna start popping up everywhere. Haven’t you ever seen that stupid-ass movie North Shore where that dork learns how to surf in a wave pool? Basically, he learned nothing and got made fun of for being a nerd when he went to the real waves. You need to keep that wave-pool idea to yourself and at least pretend you know what’s going on. Hey, I’m a professional skater, so you can do that too if you want. It’s kosher.eople try that stunt around me, I immediately shoot my piss on them and pummel them with assorted rotten fruits. Hey, you know what? I know this girl named Alicia who lives in your town. Tell her I said “Hi.” I don’t surf, either. Bye.

SURFING HEMMINGWAYI’m a surf novelist who’s trying to get a book published aboutthe surfing lifestyle. It’s called “The Tube Of Life,” and it’s about a drug-free Christian kid who battles daily with the trials of being a teenager. Hopefully, you’ll publish this letter and give everyone the chance to feel what I’m feeling right now. Thanks and stay stoked.

My weakening shoulders tightened with every stroke as myinsignificant piece of Pacific Ocean energy swelled beneath my board.Was this the right decision? Too late, its momentum was overwhelming both my senses and my abilities. The lip, every surfer’s dream, became my vision as it drastically moved forward like a vulture circling its dead prey. I’m a vegetarian, so I prepared myself for battle against an evil nemesis whose kinetic strength was a collection of one storm’s wrath thousands of miles away.”No, I’m not gonna let this patch of water take me over,” I said to myself. “This is my domain.” With the confidence of a lemur, I pushed my body up, slid my knees beneath me, and posed my body into a fluid motion of a ballerina mid-dance. My stage felt no longer daunting, and my stance was composed for action as my glass house encircled me and now composed my world. Its raging, spitting boiler followed me to let me know this was pressure time and I had to burst out. Seconds flew until my world reacquainted me with my past.Glass became light, blur transcended into light, and I had escaped. With my arms in the air and my voice throttled to the fullest howl of a wolf, I was claiming nirvana¿”the tube of life.”Derek Todd KoshaOceanside, CaliforniaDerek,Whoa, buddy! Like a lemur? The tube of life? You sound like a real lunatic. I have nothing against vegetarians, but it seemed really random how you threw that one in there when little Billy was trying to catch a wave. Real irrelevant and shit. Whatever, I guess it’s cool. Later.

SURFPARKSI’m a surfer, but with all the skateparks they’ve been building around where I live, I can’t help but be a skater, too. I was thinking how if wave pools became a trend like skateparks have, maybe cities would start building them and surfing would one day be as popular as skateboarding has always been.Just a thought.Mark BuchanMiami, FloridaMark,Wave pools? Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? No way in hell are wave pools gonna start popping up everywhere. Haven’t you ever seen that stupid-ass movie North Shore where that dork learns how to surf in a wave pool? Basically, he learned nothing and got made fun of for being a nerd when he went to the real waves. You need to keep that wave-pool idea to yourself and at least pretend you know what’s going on. Hey, I’m a professional skater, so you can do that too if you want. It’s kosher.