Transmissions

Transmissions With Mitch Dickslimp

My name is Mitch Dickslimp. I’ve been coming to da Nort Chore for like tree seasons now, and lemme tell you¿I got it so wired, brah. I know where ta stay, where ta surf, how ta talk, and how ta get looks from all da photogs on da beach. I’m here at TransWorld SURF helping you readers make a safe and shaka trip to da Nort Chore of O’ahu, Hawai’i.

Callouts

“Da only “half-steppin'” you’ll be doin’ is half-steppin’ back to da airport when one of da boys come an give you cracks, haole.”

“One chop come in, and dere you go¿you tryin’ to grab onto da board wit dat kung-fu grip and you jus lookin’ like a kook.”

“If you gonna come an do airs, go to Rocky Point an try like flail wit all da other barns.”

“I trew him a shaka and he jus grabbed my face an pounded me like a coconut.””Underwater I loss all my air and blacked out. All I rememba is da lifegaurd telling me dat I burned Jamie Sterling. I was so scared.”

MILFORD

I love the magazine, but living on the East Coast you don’t hear about our surf. I know it’s not the greatest surf in the world, but there’re some really talented surfers. You should put a section in for us. I know you’re probably laughing yourself as you read this, but just listen to what we’re saying. But even if you don’t, I’ll keep up my subscription to the greatest surfing magazine in the world. We all put our money into making your magazine great. I know this is going to be answered with a funny-ass response, so just please make it part of your magazine. Greg Weiss West Milford, New Jersey

Greg, Da Nort Chore is like da Wild West. You go dere wit “show us surf” attitude, you gonna get “beef.” “Beef” is whot da mokes call it when dey pound you. You gotta fit in when you go to da Nort Chore¿leave da silva sunglasses wit mirror lenses at home¿da Nort Chore boys will slap dem right offa yo fat face.

SANTA CRUZER

I know I don’t live near the coast, but I go there every weekend and rip. What up with the weak-ass issue on the shredders of Santa Cruz. It figures, a surf mag finally shows Santa Cruz some love and they drop the ball by half-steppin’ on the representative tip. Yeah, I agree. It very well may be the shredder capital of the world. And yeah, all the cats mentioned are serious badasses. I mean, Peter and Flea are two of the dopest big-wave riders on the whole damn planet.I see all of these guys around town (in and out of the water), and it’s all good, but I also see some dope-ass girl surfers around town as well. Actually, I know some women surfers who would make most of the writers of this magazine look like the “barneys” they are. The only girls in the whole magazine are parading up and down the runway for that wack-ass wetsuit fashion show. What’s all that about? C’mon, I thought you were smarter than that! Don’t you realize Santa Cruz is the last place on Earth you want to come politically incorrect? I’m pissed off as a guy¿just think how the women of Santa Cruz feel. This jacked-up “Reef” mentality needs to cease. Isn’t it time we go from the “shallow” water to the “deep” water? Jason M. Tobosa Santa Cruz, California

Jason, Your “ghetto slang” is shit, brah. You chud come to da North Chore and trow some o’ dat “ghetto whack-off bullshit” at one of da Nort Chore heavies. Da only “half-steppin'” you’ll be doin’ is half-steppin’ back to da airport when one of da boys come an give you cracks, haole.

STRONG ISLAND, NY

I live in Long Island, New York, where the waves are usually knee to thigh high or even less. Although it has its good days, all and all it’s still not that great. The only thing you can do around here at the beach is think you were smaller, like an ant. I always wished I were an ant so the surf would be huge, but then my friend corrected me on this, insting that ants would be too light, and that they don’t stand up. That’s where the idea of G.I Joes came into play. They are the perfect size, perfect weight, and even had some weapons on them (you never know when you could get attacked by a wild animal in the ocean). On all knee-high days, I always wish I was a G.I Joe, but it never comes true. Can you make my other wish come true by hooking up a poor soul with a free board? Josh Wickman

Long Island, New York

Josh,Like see you try to be a G.I. Joe on da Nort Chore. One chop come in, and dere you go¿you tryin’ to grab onto da board wit dat kung-fu grip and you jus lookin’ like a kook. Da only way to get free boards on da Nort Chore is to rip like Brucey or poun’ some haole and take his stick.

TO AIR IS HUMAN

I love your magazine sooo much. I have like, six issues. I don’t like to subscribe to any magazine, but I might make an exception. Anyways, I surf, but I’m only eleven, so I’m not that good. Yeah, I can do snaps and cutbacks. My board’s a six-eight, so I can’t really do airs. Any suggestions? The one time I tried to do an air (and almost did), I ended up eating it. The other time, I did a weak floater. Jared Long Vero Beach, FloridaJared,Six-eight? If you gonna come to da Nort Chore, you betta get like a eight-six or like a seven-tree for da drop at Sunset. If you gonna come an do airs, go to Rocky Point an try like flail wit all da other barns. Seen so many barneys try air, and dey don’t even come close¿jus keep da rail in da water, kook.

HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU My name is Mark, and on December 21, 2000, I was surfing the south side of the Huntington Beach pier. As I was dropping in, my front foot slipped off and I literally dove directly into the nose of my board. With one eye gushing blood and the other not being able to focus, I yelled for someone to help. It seemed like forever when I came upon five guys who were paddling out. They all helped me by fetching the lifeguard, carrying in my board, and swimming me in. Everyone was very optimistic, telling me I was going to be okay. I want to send this letter to say thanks to everyone who helped me. The injury, in fact, was much worse than imagined¿I’ll never see out of my right eye again. I underwent plastic surgery and received over 100 stitches as well as a skin graft and lacro-nasal ducts. I find out from an ultrasound if I get to keep the eye or if I’ll have to go for a transplant. I received a call while I was in OR recovery from one of the guys who helped me out¿that showed how tight the brotherhood of surfers really is. I’m unaware of how he knew who I was or where I was, but it was really cool that he found out to check on my progress. By being laid up and not working, I’ve not been able to save up for a new board or winter suit, but I suppose if that’s my biggest worry, I have a pretty good situation. My board broke in my eye, so it’s done, but hopefully in time I’ll be able to get a new one and paddle back out. This is a shoutout to all the guys who helped me. Thanks, and I’ll look for you back in the lineup. If I don’t see you, well, it’s because I only have one eye now! I also want to thank Jerry and Lucas at Sakal surfboards.To all, if you love surfing for what it is, then don’t let anything keep you from charging¿not even dismemberment. Mark Froke mfroke@acosta.com

Mark,Dis remind me of da time I wen an dropped in on da heaviest local at Kammieland. His name was Malo Lokainaha, and he was da baddest Nort Chore local. He started yellin’ at me, and I was like, “Shoots, brah! I didn’t tink you goin’ make it, so I jus’ went. Sorry, brah.” I trew him a shaka and he jus grabbed my face an pounded me like a coconut. I left da beach an had to go get like tree or four stitches, bu.

YO, ARE YOU FO REAL WIT DIS?

In regard to the “surf slang” section in your January 2001 issue. Can I talk about “Bammerwee”? Now, I know your talking about buying some weed, no doubt. What else could the “stuff” be? But check it. It’s not “Bammerwee.” The phrase is “Bamma Weed,” as in shitty weed from poor-ass Alabama. You got “Cali Chronic” (the good shit) and “Bamma Weed” (crap). Rewind selecta! Correct the massive¿if you can slip it past the good white folks over at Times Mirror. Shock out! Peace to the gods and the earths.E-Nock-Your-Block-Off New York City, New York

E-whatevas,You like talk Bamma? How ’bout da time I wen down dis trail on da Nort Chore and smelled sumting funny. I got roun’ dis corna and dis guy, he was like puffin’ dis Marley joint, jumped up and bamma’d my head. I ran all da way down da beach screamin’ like a lil’ keiki. I jus den decided not to go for hikes in da hills, brah. Too dangerous.

WWW.WIERDO.COM, TAKE FOURIt seems that surfers have two choices:A. Accept G.I.G.B.Come up with a better idea.B is cool, but I just don’t see that happening. Surfer and Surfing are wussy. TransWorld SURF needs to lead the surf media, the American media, and publicly sort out the concept of G.I.G. That’s a necessary, exciting, lucrative, and noble mission.Frankly, the fact that it’s up to TransWorld SURF to save the planet is kind of odd, but hey¿whatever, let’s go. TransWorld SURF will always have all of my support. This is crunch time, and all of us need to come through. In closing, it’s all good. Peace.Charles Bear Portland, OregonCharles,On da Nort Chore, surfas only have two choices, too: Try to be one of da boys, or get pounded by one of da boys. You gotta go out an take a few sets on da head an jus laugh bout it. I rememba my firs time out at da Bay. It was only like twelve to tirteen feet, but da crowd was heavy. I got caught on da inside one time and I tought I was a gonna drown! Da wave rolled ova me, and I barely caught my bret. Underwater I loss all my air and blacked out. All I rememba is da lifegaurd telling me dat I burned Jamie Sterling. I was so scared.

Well, brahs, good luck on da Nort Chore. If you gonna come, bring da boys a sandwich. And if one of dem asks you if you like beef, run away¿or you gonna get pounded.¿Mitch Dickslimp

Special Bonus Mail!

Here’re a few letters from two guys who had a sleep-over. They fooled their parents by turning off the light and pretending to be asleep. When the parents were asleep, they woke up and wrote us these letters from under the sheets with a flashlight. They giggled and fooled around until the wee hours of the morning. When they woke up, they were tired and cranky. The parents realized what happened and gave them both a spanking.

RICHARD “DICK” DRAGGERWhoever this is going to, I don’t care. I’m a bodyboarder and I’m proud of being one. I get hassled all the time by surfers, but I don’t hate. I’ll keep a grudge going with the people who hassle me, but I’m cool with the rest. Anyone who hates for no reason should get out of the water. I was flipping through your mag a couple days ago, not because I like surfing mags, but I like seeing people rip, whether they’re surfers, bodyboarders, bodysurfers, or whatever.I’ve got respect for all, but like I said, not anyone who hates. Then I saw an ad that made me shove your piece of shit mag back on the rack. Never has bodyboarding had an ad that ragged on surfers like this. You know what I’m talking about. On one page, there’s a stereotypical “surfer” who is sooo cool, then on the other page is a bodyboarder who’s was labeled “wack.” Do you actually think all surfers buy into this shit? No, because I know many who are as cool with me as any other bodyboarder out there. Just because a few of you asses in the office disrespect me doesn’t mean you can push your beliefs on everyone else. So quit your stupid-ass propaganda anRE YOU FO REAL WIT DIS?

In regard to the “surf slang” section in your January 2001 issue. Can I talk about “Bammerwee”? Now, I know your talking about buying some weed, no doubt. What else could the “stuff” be? But check it. It’s not “Bammerwee.” The phrase is “Bamma Weed,” as in shitty weed from poor-ass Alabama. You got “Cali Chronic” (the good shit) and “Bamma Weed” (crap). Rewind selecta! Correct the massive¿if you can slip it past the good white folks over at Times Mirror. Shock out! Peace to the gods and the earths.E-Nock-Your-Block-Off New York City, New York

E-whatevas,You like talk Bamma? How ’bout da time I wen down dis trail on da Nort Chore and smelled sumting funny. I got roun’ dis corna and dis guy, he was like puffin’ dis Marley joint, jumped up and bamma’d my head. I ran all da way down da beach screamin’ like a lil’ keiki. I jus den decided not to go for hikes in da hills, brah. Too dangerous.

WWW.WIERDO.COM, TAKE FOURIt seems that surfers have two choices:A. Accept G.I.G.B.Come up with a better idea.B is cool, but I just don’t see that happening. Surfer and Surfing are wussy. TransWorld SURF needs to lead the surf media, the American media, and publicly sort out the concept of G.I.G. That’s a necessary, exciting, lucrative, and noble mission.Frankly, the fact that it’s up to TransWorld SURF to save the planet is kind of odd, but hey¿whatever, let’s go. TransWorld SURF will always have all of my support. This is crunch time, and all of us need to come through. In closing, it’s all good. Peace.Charles Bear Portland, OregonCharles,On da Nort Chore, surfas only have two choices, too: Try to be one of da boys, or get pounded by one of da boys. You gotta go out an take a few sets on da head an jus laugh bout it. I rememba my firs time out at da Bay. It was only like twelve to tirteen feet, but da crowd was heavy. I got caught on da inside one time and I tought I was a gonna drown! Da wave rolled ova me, and I barely caught my bret. Underwater I loss all my air and blacked out. All I rememba is da lifegaurd telling me dat I burned Jamie Sterling. I was so scared.

Well, brahs, good luck on da Nort Chore. If you gonna come, bring da boys a sandwich. And if one of dem asks you if you like beef, run away¿or you gonna get pounded.¿Mitch Dickslimp

Special Bonus Mail!

Here’re a few letters from two guys who had a sleep-over. They fooled their parents by turning off the light and pretending to be asleep. When the parents were asleep, they woke up and wrote us these letters from under the sheets with a flashlight. They giggled and fooled around until the wee hours of the morning. When they woke up, they were tired and cranky. The parents realized what happened and gave them both a spanking.

RICHARD “DICK” DRAGGERWhoever this is going to, I don’t care. I’m a bodyboarder and I’m proud of being one. I get hassled all the time by surfers, but I don’t hate. I’ll keep a grudge going with the people who hassle me, but I’m cool with the rest. Anyone who hates for no reason should get out of the water. I was flipping through your mag a couple days ago, not because I like surfing mags, but I like seeing people rip, whether they’re surfers, bodyboarders, bodysurfers, or whatever.I’ve got respect for all, but like I said, not anyone who hates. Then I saw an ad that made me shove your piece of shit mag back on the rack. Never has bodyboarding had an ad that ragged on surfers like this. You know what I’m talking about. On one page, there’s a stereotypical “surfer” who is sooo cool, then on the other page is a bodyboarder who’s was labeled “wack.” Do you actually think all surfers buy into this shit? No, because I know many who are as cool with me as any other bodyboarder out there. Just because a few of you asses in the office disrespect me doesn’t mean you can push your beliefs on everyone else. So quit your stupid-ass propaganda and learn how to respect me like I respect you. Wait, I don’t respect you guys anymore. I hope you get dropped in on, snaked, and everything else next time you’re out in the water.

Randy Duarte Encino, CaliforniaRandy,Most bodyboarders could care less about a little burn in our “shitty” surf magazine. You make bobyboarders and yourself sound like dorks. Good job! You ruined yourself¿we didn’t have to do anything.

RICHARD “DICK” DRAGGER III’m really disgusted with your mag. All you guys do is bag on bodyboarders. This makes me mad because we share the same ocean and you should learn to respect us. If you guys can’t deal with us, then maybe you should get out of the water and leave it to the real men, a.k.a. bodyboarders.Also, you say it takes skill to stand up and surf, and that we don’t have the skill, but it’s backward¿you don’t have the skills to lay down and pull in or land on your stomach after doing huge airs. I’d like to see any of you guys pull an el rollo on a huge ten-foot wave. That’s what I thought! Your mag sucks because all you do is bag on people. Thanks for listening to me ramble on about you idiots.Larry James Redondo Beach, CaliforniaLarry,You’re so right! Laying down is so much harder than standing up¿that’s why infants and people with broken legs can do it all day long. We respect bodyboarders, but we personally think you’re a dipshit.a and learn how to respect me like I respect you. Wait, I don’t respect you guys anymore. I hope you get dropped in on, snaked, and everything else next time you’re out in the water.

Randy Duarte Encino, CaliforniaRandy,Most bodyboarders could care less about a little burn in our “shitty” surf magazine. You make bobyboarders and yourself sound like dorks. Good job! You ruined yourself¿we didn’t have to do anything.

RICHARD “DICK” DRAGGER III’m really disgusted with your mag. All you guys do is bag on bodyboarders. This makes me mad because we share the same ocean and you should learn to respect us. If you guys can’t deal with us, then maybe you should get out of the water and leave it to the real men, a.k.a. bodyboarders.Also, you say it takes skill to stand up and surf, and that we don’t have the skill, but it’s backward¿you don’t have the skills to lay down and pull in or land on your stomach after doing huge airs. I’d like to see any of you guys pull an el rollo on a huge ten-foot wave. That’s what I thought! Your mag sucks because all you do is bag on people. Thanks for listening to me ramble on about you idiots.Larry James Redondo Beach, CaliforniaLarry,You’re so right! Laying down is so much harder than standing up¿that’s why infants and people with broken legs can do it all day long. We respect bodyboarders, but we personally think you’re a dipshit.