Tuesday Tickle: Olympics vs. US Open of Surfing
Separate, Not Equal
This week, the US Open of Surfing is roaring proudly on the greasy sands of Huntington Beach. Roaring like a lion in a bikini with goofy retro shades and a nice tan. Meanwhile, across the pond, the 2012 Summer Olympics are roaring away in rainy London. Roaring like a self-absorbed elitist tiger who thinks that Tony, the Frosted Flakes tiger, is a scumbag. Suffice to say, surfing has yet to find a place amongst the fencing and judo of the Olympics. Let’s not even bother getting into whether or not surfing should be in the Olympics. I hate futility. For now, let’s just have a gander at what is currently going on in each event and see if our exclusion is really that bad…
The faces are solemn, almost grave, and everyone is attired in their respective country’s uniform. It almost seems like the president of the U.N.’s funeral until some asshole shoots an arrow at a target. Watching it on TV is hopeless, as it only leaves you frantically channel hopping to find the most interesting event of the hour. But then you miss it and you’re stuck hearing Tom Brokaw recount some insignificant act of pseudo heroism in the 1928 summer games. And you’ve got that sourpuss Queen of England popping up everywhere, each time somehow summoning up the pompous moral fibers to look crankier than the last. Next time God saves the Queen, he should tell her to stop scowling like she’s just been mushroom slapped by Mikey Phelps. There’s a hulking mess of events that have been grandfathered in, relics of a bygone era when people weren’t creative enough to come up with any cool shit to do. Up until the finals, the celebrations and applauses are dull. I’m pretty sure one year some chick ripped her shirt off after the USA won the gold in soccer, but that’s about it. Everything else is restrained and golf-like.
US Open of Surfing
Josh Kerr got a 9.5, girls are half naked, and everyone is partying. My point is that there’s a reason why the ancient Hawaiians were having a blast surfing while the dickhead Greeks were making statues of naked guys and having Olympic games. Surfing has clearly drawn the better hand here, so let’s be happy with what we got. I’ll spray paint a rock gold and give it to this year’s US Open winner if it makes anybody feel better.—Brendan Buckley