Tuesday Tickle: Brendan Buckley tells us exactly how Round 3 at the Hurley Lowers Pro will unfold when competition resumes
Two rounds have jolted past us at the Hurley Lowers Pro. Passed us by like Michael Jackson’s childhood. We are left with a beautiful alien of an adult, complete with a fake nose and some titanic third round heats at surfing’s favorite skatepark. It’s simply too coincidental not to refer to Lowers as a skatepark. Think about it: People launch out of the concrete at skateparks and people launch out of the waves at Lowers. The similarities are overwhelming. Not likening the two would be like not referring to a bicycle as an airplane based on the fact that both are driven by people with hands. Here are some 3rd round skatepark predictions just for you, Tony Hawk.
Heat 1: Kelly Slater vs Matt Wilkinson
Slater will show up late and hung over just to psyche Wilko out. It will work. Try reading the Art of War, Matthew.
Heat 2: Julian Wilson vs Alejo Muniz
In this all Nike affair, rope will be jumped prior to the heat. Lots of it, and it will be jumped in very technologically sound shoes. Only the best. You will be able to smell the athleticism in this heat and it will smell like the gym at a Ritz Carlton. Julian will win. He has nice hair.
Heat 3: Taj Burrow vs Adam Melling
This one is sort of like a horse against a rabbit. Is Melling’s horsepower enough to torch Taj’s bunny-like flair? Although I’m going against my gut on this one, I am a gambling man so I must stick with what I know and bet on a horse. I don’t know of any bunny racing tracks out there, but let me know if anybody does because I’d really like to bet on Taj.
Heat 4: Jeremy Flores vs Kai Otton
Jeremy will surf like a regular footed Kai Otton and Kai will surfed like the goofy version of Jeremy Flores. Nobody will pick up on this, besides me and Dave Stansfield. Kai to win.
Heat 5: Heitor Alves vs Adrian Buchan
Heitor will show up and surf his heat dressed as Spiderman, because that is literally the only thing that he can do that is more surprising than pulling that rodeo in round 2. The shocking Brazilian will stun his was to the next round.
Heat 6: Mick Fanning vs Dusty Payne
One might say that Mick is currently in the driver seat for the title race. If you’re basing this one off current ratings alone, then the car is one of those 1990’s station wagons and Dusty is in that weird back rumble seat that looks out the rear window. However, Dusty now has a healthy ankle so there’s absolutely no ruling out a Chinese fire drill that puts Dusty behind the wheel. Cheers to a Chinese fire-drill and a spunk in the title race.
Heat 7: Joel Parkinson vs Taylor Knox
Parko will demand there be no announcing of this heat. Instead, he will plug his iPod into the PA system, put on a long and very smooth (sometimes sultry) jazz song, and surf the entirety of the heat with it playing. Afterwords, the whole beach will describe the experience as a delightful and classy affair, similar to puffing a Cuban.
Heat 8: Gabriel Medina vs Michel Bourez
Heat 9: Josh Kerr vs Bede Durbridge
This heat will induce a panic attack amongst the judging panel. Kerzy will do obscure airs while Bede links big old turns. The judges will sweat profusely as they struggle with deciding which deserves a better score. They will suddenly feel terribly claustrophobic in their little boxes. Hopeless and helpless while the entire surfing world demands scores. The Brazillian judge will faint, no winner will be chosen, and they will just decide to let them both go to next round. They will then give Dane a round 4 wildcard as a means to maintain an even number of surfers left in the event. Nobody will argue.
Heat 10: Adriano de Souza vs Travis Logie
This will be the first time Adriano incorporates claims into his pre-heat stretch and warmup, and it will pay off big-time. A little bit of passion while doing a leg swing goes a looong way.
Heat 11: Jordy Smith vs Bart Simpson
This one all depends on whether or not Simpo can find some rap music in his pre-heat warmup that is derogatory enough to take on Jordy. Factor in Gucci Mane and he’s got a shot. J Cole and he’s helpless.
Heat 12: John John Florence vs Yadin Nicol
Everybody ought to sit down and grab some popcorn, cause this smoker is gonna be like watching a LIVE surf video! Hoots and hollers! Just kidding, John John’s gonna win doing turns. —Brendan Buckley