What Surfing Will Be Like in 2002
Surfing is progressing at an alarming rate. You’d think that a few more months away would’t make much of a difference in the surfing world, but I tell you-it really does. Just like when Jesus appeared to Saul while riding on his horse, it was such a shocker that Saul had to change his name to Paul. Well, that’s what it’s going to be like in 2002. It’s going to rack everyone’s brains so much that they won’t know who they are anymore, people will be rioting in the streets, and people might even have to change their names. The following lists are going to inform you of what you’ll be seeing and what you’ll not be seeing in the near future.-J.M.
What you’ll be seeing in 2002:
1. The ever-awaited “kickflip” will finally be completed on a surfboard. You’ve probably seen this move in skateboarding numerous times and probably have heard rumors of crazy folks actually pulling them off, but in 2002, the trick will be done right and documented.
2. The “Blow-out.” This phenomena’s very explicit and radical. I can’t really tell you exactly what it is, but I can tell you that it involves a change in the Earth’s atmospheric pressure and Calibar beans-it’s not a pretty picture.
3. You’ve all seen frontside alley-oops, but in 2002, you’ll now see the backside version being thrown down. This will be radical.
4. In 2002, a backside carving 360 cutback to body varial to switch tube will be part of a combo on a wave.
5. The first-ever floater on a twenty-foot-plus wave will be documented in 2002.
What you’ll not be seeing in 2002:
1. Actual proficient switch-stance surfing in waves of all sizes.2. Floaters to kickflip in.3. Surfers turning into superheroes (This one we definitely do not want to see.)4. Another Kelly Slater.5. Webbed hands and feet.6. Wetsuits made with built-in waste departments.7. Giant vagina sea-monsters. (Wanting to see this one is debatable.)8. A music group assembled with professional surfers. (Most would prefer this not to happen again.)9. Surfing in the Olympics.10. The underwater city of Atlantis re-surfacing.
1. Poetry that’s written by surfers. Their poems are not worthy because they’re usually about water, surfboards, and riding waves. There’re also people in the surf industry who try to bring surfing to this level. For example: The horizon melted into visions of total glass. The six a.m. cylindrical experience was like a dream-a dream of perfect hollow waves. All my bros were there.
2. People who start rumors that the surf’s going to pick-up in a couple of days to overhead-at least! This is not worthy because it’s cruel to us.
Not Worthy VocabularySubstitutes to use when re-modifying your vocabulary.
1. eggy-use the word stale instead.2. killer-use the word super instead.3. hella-rad (or hella anything)-use the word neat instead.4. sack up-use the words get ready instead.5. lame-use the words f-ked up instead.6. barred-use the words not available instead.7. clipped-use the words shut off instead.