What Would Anna Say?

Anna Kournakova is angel¿a walking, talking goddess who just so happens to swing one hell of a tennis racket. She was unavailable for comment, but if she did talk to us¿this is what she might have said …

1. “In my homeland of Russia, the boys would always say, ‘Hey, Anna! Would you like to go to a party down in Red Square?’ I’d always say, ‘No. My babushka would not be pleased by this.'” Ozzy Wright. Photo: Bosko

2. “When I came to this country, I was like a boy-crazy Russian snow fox. I met this boy named Late Night Jay and he tried to get behind my iron curtain, if you know what I’m meaning.” Jay Larson. Photo: Matty

3. “I like to party. I don’t mean like the Communist party, I mean party, like with music and boys. I like to get together with my girlfriends and my comrades and get crazy. Dan Malloy should come party with me, I’ll bet he’d have fun.” Dan Malloy. Photo: Bosko

4. “I have been criticized for my two-handed backhand shot, they say it’s not powerful enough. I say go suck a Fabergé egg, you capitalist pigs!” Matt Hoy. Photo: Bosko

5. “I was playing a tennis match in Germany, and someone yelled at me, ‘Socialist!’ I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m social. I like to meet new people, and I like to party.’ Why would I care if you call me a socialist?” Adam Repogle. Photo: Nelson

6. “I am the most downloaded sports figure on the Internet. I think it’s because of my amazing forehand shot. This man Taj Burrow also has an impressive forehand shot. Da, I think me and him could be together.” Taj Burrow. Photo: Bosko

7. “I get very sweaty and sticky while I play tennis, so I need a towel boy who can keep up, and keep me dry and comfortable. This boy here, Toby Ogden, does the opposite and gets me all wet from his surfboard spray.” Toby Ogden. Photo: Norby

8. “Hot dogs and Coca-Cola for lunch? I love America!” Joey Hudson. Photo: Nelson

9. “Boys always tell me, ‘Anna, you are so beautiful. Can I take you out sometime?’ I say, ‘Yes, when the snow melts in Siberia.’ That means never.” Ryan Turner. Photo: Klopf

10. “I hear that this man’s nickname is Noodles. Does that mean he looks like a noodle? I do not get these Western nicknames, they are very strange.” Nathan Webster. Photo: Bosko