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The Bill Snatcher
Have fun with stupid humans.
If you’re evil and in need a good time¿the Bill Snatcher is here to save your day. Although dangerous at times, bums usually spend their time looking for cans they convert to cash and damage their livers beyond repair. There’s nothing more amusing than watching a bum crouch over and fall as he or she watches their can slide away¿thanks, Bill Snatcher.¿A.C.

Five CDs You Don’t Have But Should
Music is all about personal preference. No one can tell you what to like, and you can’t tell anyone else what to like. All you can do is make some suggestions. Below are five CDs you may or may not like. If any look interesting, go buy them, what’s ten bucks? Who knows¿ you may find your favorite CD ever.¿C.C.

1. KraftwerkoComputer WorldoWarner Brothers
The first electronic band in the world. Most early rap beats were directly lifted from the bleeps and bloops found on this CD. Every song is just four guys with one keyboard each; their genius has been flowing since the 70s. Don’t be scared of the future, it already happened on this disc. If you like Moby or Fatboy Slim, you’ll love Kraftwerk.

2. SlintoSpiderlandoTouch and Go
The indie band that started it all. Slint has been one of the most influential bands in the indie world. The band’s songs tell stories that get up under your skin, crawl into your brain, and infect you. One listen of the first song on this album and you’ll be a different human. Possibly one of the best CDs ever made. If you like Radiohead, Mogwai, or any other indie-rock band, you’ll love Slint.

3.WeenoThe MolluskoElektra
You’re not ready for this one. Eleven of the most warped yet masterful songs ever heard on one CD. All totally different and totally unique. Songs ranging from slow and heartbroken, to fast and comical. With titles like, “Mutilated Lips,” and “I’m Waving My Dick In The Wind,” how can you go wrong? If you like Pink Floyd or Captain Beefheart, you’ll love Ween.

4. TortoiseoTortoiseoThrill Jockey
If you don’t have this, please go get it. It’s beautiful music with layer upon layer of eccentric guitars, tight ripping drums, wavy basslines, and dreamy effects. There’re no vocals, but don’t let that scare you. Going on a long drive or chilling in your room, throw this CD on and you’ll soon feel like you’re in heaven. If you like acid jazz, or want something different, get Tortoise.

5. Jimmy CliffoThe Harder They ComeoIsland
This reggae classic is a must have. Your parents probably have this one on vinyl somewhere, so go find it and give it a listen. This disc is a soundtrack to a 70s movie about “Shanty Town” in Kingston, Jamaica. Every song is a bona fide gem. If you like reggae and you don’t have this album, you’d better ask Jah for guidance to the nearest record store to get it. If you like Bob Marley or Peter Tosh, Jimmy Cliff is next in line.

The Remote-Control Fart Machine
Pardon, did you poot?
When people think of inventions, they think of dumb things like the wheel, penicillin, and sliced bread. Who cares? If you love a good fart, the mother of all inventions has arrived¿the remote-control fart machine. Pungent professionals everywhere are shitting their pants. Why? Because the remote control allows any holder to blame it on the barking spider¿just the sound alone will keep you amused for hours.¿A.C.

Here’s My Book Report On Skullcrack, Teacher
I just finished a book called Skullcrack by Ben Bo. It’s about a guy who surfs in Ireland, wears tennis shoes in the water, and continuously talks, thinks, and daydreams about “killer surf.” I don’t know if the author surfs, but his surf lingo sure fits the territory.One time I had a dream about Ireland. I was in a boat with a dog and we saw a shark. So I went to the shore with what looked like a twelve-foot telephone and called the shark police. They came and killed the shark¿I dont like sharks. I member a part in the book when the guy’s father was in the alley, passed-out drunk in a garbage can. The boy had to pick him up and wipe the garbage off of his face, then I think he took him surfing or something. There were no shark attacks in Skullcrack, but there’s a lot of waves and talk about waves. The cover of the book has a picture of Kelly Slater on it, and I don’t understand why. Actually, there’re lots of things in life I don’t understand, like, “Why don’t I have a million dollars?” or “Why can’t I fly?” or “Why does everything that tastes so good have to be so bad for you?” or “Why am I so bad at school?” I don’t know. Who cares? I don’t like reading.¿J.M.

Surf Slang You Should Know
Bro-phonics Edition

Bro-phonics: The language bros speak.
Example: “Dude, you need to use more bro-phonics if you want to hang with us, guy.”

combro: A guy who’s a friend and also an industry bro.
Example: “Dude, I met Brendan at the trade show, but now were combros ’cause we chill on the weekends.”

instabro: Some dude who comes up and instantly thinks he’s your bro.
Example: “I didn’t even know that guy, and he just came up and tried to be an instabro.”

probro: A guy who thinks he knows all the pros.
Example: “Billy always drops names¿he’s such a probro.”

snowbro: A bro that you only go snowboarding with.
Example: “The waves suck. Let’s call my snowbro, he’s got free passes to Bear Mountain.”

brodeo: A barbecue that a bunch of bros are at.
Example: “Yeah. This party’s the best, a full brodeo.”

brodown: What you say when you want to get something for free.
Example: “Dude, I need a brodown this time. This wax is too expensive.”

broker: A bro who’s always trying to sell you something.
Example: “No, I don’t want that sack. Quit being such a broker.”

bro-ish: When someone is acting super-cool.
Example: “Liam was so bro-ish today, he fully helped me out.”

Surfco Giveaway: What’s Your Gory Story?
Tell us and win some life-saving accessories.

The staff at TransWorld SURF may look like doctors to you, but the fact is, we only play doctors in print. We believe in prevention. To prove it we’ve teamed up with the good people at Surfco to offer prize packs including Proteck fins, Diamond Tip nose guards, and Quick Fix ding-repair kits. All you have to do is send a photo (which you won’t get back) of your goriest moment, when you were so injured from your surfboard you started to cry. The rules are simple: no doctoring of photos, and your entry must be in by June 20, 2000. Send all entries to:

“Gory Story”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

He’s Smooth. He’s Suave. He’s Bob.
The other day a coworker at TransWorld gave me a present. It was a plastic dude named Surfer Bob, who according to the box, “surfs” your dashboard with “realistic rocking motion.” The box also says Bob’s “The first dude to eat a bean burrito while surfing” in addition to other lame claims. Bob wears a tight-ass suit that punks Tom Carroll, and his yellow mane of hair reminds me of one of the Las Vegas tiger trainers, Seigfried, of Seigfried and Roy.
Instead of another toy that makes surfing look stupid, the people at Accoutrements (Accoutrements.com) should’ve made a Seigfried and Roy one. They’d be feeding a tiger peanut butter and the tiger’s head would be bobbing around. The box would say something like, “Seigfried and Roy were the first animal lovers,” and their slogan would be, “One is giddy, the other likes kitties¿it’s Seigfried and Roy.”¿A.C.

Hair Patch
The surfer-dude wig solution.
Lately, this wig has come in real handy. I wore it once or twice on my head and people thought it was real! I said, “Wow! It really works,” but the real use for this fine product was for my neighbor downstairs. You see, I’ve been dating this elderly lady and she doesn’t find it too flattering when pubic hair is still in its adolescent color stage. So I just snipped off some wig hair and glued it to the pubic area. Man, I tell you, Ginger was into it¿she couldn’t keep her hands off me. She asked how it got that way, and I told her that I got electro-shocked by pissing on a lightbulb. She didnt care, she has like 5/20 vision, anyway. Overall, I’m very satisfied with this product. The only drawback is that when you shower it comes off. Well, good things can’t last forever, right?¿Josh McClure

Open Up A Can Of Whoop Ass:
An energy drink for beat-downs.
Thanks to the fine folks over at Jones Soda, the world now has a new energy drink guaranteed to make you go buck wild. Late one evening, I got jumped by four assholes on my way home from a party. Needless to say, I instantly grabbed a can of whoop-ass, drank it as fast as I could, and then got the living shit beat out of me. This stuff works great, and it doesn’t taste that bad, either.¿A.S.

Here’s A Watch For My Sweet Little Sister
We have a winner for the Nixon watch giveaway!Thanks to Nixon watches, the brothers of the world got a chance to tell the world how cool their sisters are. The winning sister and brother team are none other than Brandon and Kaylin Long from Vista, California. Brandon pointed out that his sweet little sister always saves her allowance to buy the family gifts. She always does her homework, and she’s always winning awards in school. Brandon also feels guilty for never getting her anything for her birthday. Well, you just won her a new watch, and one for you, too.
Some other cool sisters Chris Kubacki’s little sis and Doug Salizar’s cute sis Natalie.e for this fine product was for my neighbor downstairs. You see, I’ve been dating this elderly lady and she doesn’t find it too flattering when pubic hair is still in its adolescent color stage. So I just snipped off some wig hair and glued it to the pubic area. Man, I tell you, Ginger was into it¿she couldn’t keep her hands off me. She asked how it got that way, and I told her that I got electro-shocked by pissing on a lightbulb. She didnt care, she has like 5/20 vision, anyway. Overall, I’m very satisfied with this product. The only drawback is that when you shower it comes off. Well, good things can’t last forever, right?¿Josh McClure

Open Up A Can Of Whoop Ass:
An energy drink for beat-downs.
Thanks to the fine folks over at Jones Soda, the world now has a new energy drink guaranteed to make you go buck wild. Late one evening, I got jumped by four assholes on my way home from a party. Needless to say, I instantly grabbed a can of whoop-ass, drank it as fast as I could, and then got the living shit beat out of me. This stuff works great, and it doesn’t taste that bad, either.¿A.S.

Here’s A Watch For My Sweet Little Sister
We have a winner for the Nixon watch giveaway!Thanks to Nixon watches, the brothers of the world got a chance to tell the world how cool their sisters are. The winning sister and brother team are none other than Brandon and Kaylin Long from Vista, California. Brandon pointed out that his sweet little sister always saves her allowance to buy the family gifts. She always does her homework, and she’s always winning awards in school. Brandon also feels guilty for never getting her anything for her birthday. Well, you just won her a new watch, and one for you, too.
Some other cool sisters Chris Kubacki’s little sis and Doug Salizar’s cute sis Natalie.