WORD 3-3 Read it

If you read last issue Volume Three, Number One, you were probably wondering why Matt Rockhold was literally plastered all over it. Between his ads and pristine editorial real estate, homeboy cashed in. Why_s that, you ask? It_s because the guy_s a f_king workhorse, shoots with a great photographer (Dave Nelson), and rips like there_s no tomorrow. If there was ever a tribute issue to a good work ethic, that was it_the Santa Cruz Matt Rockhold issue._A.C.How happy were you when you realized you had the cover?I couldn_t even believe it. I was so stoked. Last Sunday, I just kinda stumbled into it. I went into the O_Neill house and Rat and Garth Tarlow were kinda heckling me. I_m all, _What? What are you talking about?_ Then they went in the house, and they only had one issue, I guess. I was psyched! I couldn_t even believe it. It was my ultimate goal, really.

What do you think about us calling it the Matt Rockhold issue?

It makes me feel a little bit weird.

Be honest and give us a round figure. After all is said and done, how much loot is this gonna put in your pocket from photo incentives?You don_t even know. This has helped me out so much.

Can you buy a new car with it?Yeah, I_m so stoked. It doesn_t seem like reality. I_m in Hawai_i right now, and I haven_t been home yet. I know all the issues in Santa Cruz are sold out already. My girlfriend was gonna get a couple copies for me, but she went into O_Neill Surf Shop and they were all gone_every single one.

N.K.O.T.B.

TransWorld SURF has a new editor.

In case you haven_t heard (and how could you have?), former TransWorld SKATEboarding Editor Joel Patterson is the new editor in chief for TransWorld SURF. Since taking the job, Joel_s been bombarded by questions typical of an industry easily threatened by the presence of outsiders. So we sat our new boss down, mad-dogged him a little, and fired some hard questions at him. Here_s what he had to say:

Why do you think you_re qualified to be the editor of a surf magazine?

I_m not qualified to be the editor of a surf magazine in the traditional sense of being a _surf editor._ I think that_s what makes me a good choice for TransWorld, and I think that_s why they chose me. This is a surf magazine with a skate-mag mentality_pushing progression instead of dwelling on who_s ranked what. I don_t know everyone in the surf industry, so I_m not buddies with everyone, and I don_t plan on being buddies with everyone. An editor_s job isn_t to be everyone_s friend, it_s to be objective, and I consider it my job to be part of a team that helps surfing perpetually change. So that_s what I_m gonna do.

Do you even know how to surf, kook?

Yeah. I grew up surfing in Newport Beach, California, but I was never a competitive surfer. It never really occurred to me to compete at surfing. For me, it was something fun I did with my friends. It_s not that I_m anti-competition_I think it_s cool, and I know how much skill and effort it takes to learn how to surf really consistently in whatever kind of surf, but competing isn_t that first thing that comes to mind when I think about surfing. Because I_ve been a part of skateboarding for so long, I prioritize progression and innovation over competition. I like change. And while I respect it, the competitive elements of surfing, skateboarding, and snowboarding seem bland and controlled.So in other words, I don_t surf great.

Newps!Was that a question?

Win Conan_s Surfboard!His personal shred stick is waiting for you.

Mr. Conan Hayes was kind enough to give us his favorite Cordell for a giveaway, so now all of you have a chance to win his trusty steed. It_s quite simple, actually. All you have to do is explain what Ruca stands for. Ruca is Conan_s new clothing sponsor, owned and operated by Conan himself.If you want to win the surfboard, and send your entry by April 17, 2001 to:

_Will Draw Logos For Shred Sticks_c/o TransWorld SURF353 Airport RoadOceanside, CA 92054

The Next Mimi Is Coming Soon

We know all you jailbirds and juveniles are probably freaking out at the blank space that occupies the spot where a goddess filled. She_s gone forever, and we_re moving on. So hold on to your lotions and soap, because next month is the premiere of our new intern! We scoured colleges and high schools for a perfect intern to help out around the office and learn a little something while doing it. She_s coming, so get ready.

Surf Slang

Luxury Yacht_A big, good wave.Example: _Micah just came in from Pipe, and he said he got a couple luxury yachts. We_re so out there, bro!_

The Tuck And Roll_When your little penis gets all tangled in your wetsuit.Example: _Hey, Brendan! Could you help me detangle my tuck and roll?_ Wonged_The act of being attacked at a bowling alley by an unusally aggressive male. Typically caused by the aggressor_s lack of intelligence and/or penis size.Example: _Dude, that guy came out of nowhere and wonged me in the back of the head!_

Special Brah-isms

Brah-mitzvah_When a young Hawai_ian becomes a man.Example: _Brah, little Chris-Chris got his first wave at Waimea, so we make him da kine luau_celebrate da brah-mitzvah._

Algebrah_Figuring out the Hawai_ian wave scale.Example: _Wot, dat wave was bigga den a house_must be two ta tree feet. Use sum algebrah, kook._

Abrah Cadabrah_Coming out of crazy barrels in the Islands.Example: _Ho, saw Sherman pull into da big one and come out down da beach like a magician_abrah cadabrah._

Cobrah_Getting snaked in the Islands.Example: _Brah! Wot, you paddle out and take off on me? Wot, you a cobrah?_

Abrah-ham Lincoln_A guy who_s surfed a certain spot the longest.Example: _Brah, neva take off on Big Stevie Puha. He been here foevah, like Abrah-ham Lincoln._

Zebrah_Guys who wear too much flourescent in the water.Example: _Wot, photographas mus be on da beach. Lookit all da zebrahs._

More Bro-isms For The Bros

John MacEnbro_The bro who_s always getting pissed off for losing heats in surf contests.Example: _Dude, Marc fell on every wave in that heat, and now he_s throwing rocks at the judges_he_s such a John MacEnbro._

Lorenzbro Llamas_The bro who thinks he_s gonna be a famous actor.Example: _Why does Pascal keep going to those casting calls? He thinks he_s Lorenzbro Llamas or something._

Police Brotality_When cops abuse bros. Example: _All I said was, _Yeah, guy!_ to that cop, and the next thing I knew, he was beating me_total police brotality._

Edgar Allen Bro_A bro who thinks he_s a famous author. Example: _Dude, Checky keeps writing those lame columns like he_s Edgar Allen Bro or something._

Computer Brogrammer_Bros who spread the bro word through computers.Example: _Tim created a virtual tube ride on his computer_he_s like a full-on computer brogrammer._

Super Extreme Action-Dorks Cards_Dude, I_ll trade you my Biker Sherlock for your Kevin Gillan Fishbrain card!_ Wow! Action-sports cards of my favorite Rollerbladers, street lugers, skiers, … oops, skaters, and snowboarders. If it weren_t for these ultracool cards, we_d never have known that not only does pro Rollerblader Jon Julio like basketball, but he also likes to deejay. His card_s a switch fishbrain! Cool!_C.C.

The Truth About The Easter Bunny And His Holiday

Just like most traditions, the actual meaning and origin of our celebrated holidays are quite hazy. For instance, Easter. Why paint chicken eggs, hide them from children, and tell them a giant bunny_s dispensing candy?

Well, let me tell you a few theories. First, Jesuit priests in 752 A.D. used eggs as their main food source. They had an oversupply of eggs, so when they were bored and tired of praying, they_d chuck

them at all of the passing children belonging to Roman parents.Second (which is the most historically accurate), when Jesus raised himself from the dead, people were scared shitless. In order to avoid frightning all the people and another crucifixtion, he had to go to the nearest store and purchase a friendly looking animal costume. He just so happened to buy a white, fuzzy bunny outfit (he didn_t have enough to get the lion suit). When he showed up in front of his disciples and other followers, they laughed, so naturally he went back to heaven.

Third, about 200 years ago in what_s known as the state of Texas, there was a farmer who raised rabbits. and he used to sell them at local farms. One day while displaying his nicest rabbits, one of them shit an egg on the platform. Then one of the citizens ran up in amazment and dropped it. The egg cracked and shit fell out. Naturally, the Mid-westerner picked it up thinking it was chocolate and ate it. That_s why there_s so much chocolate on Easter. The real truth is that the Easter Bunny is a Nazi lab experiment that went bad in 1943. Those sick f_kers did a lot of weird shit, but nothing as warped as crossbreeding a human with a rabbit. This creature was raised healthy, later resembling a white gorrilla that was very fond of eating eggs. That_s the truth._J.M.

The Locals Are Always Mad

You_ve got your gear on, waxed your board up, and you_re now headed down to the beach. Then you see them_the chosen few who always surf the local beachbreak. They_re now eying you like you_re either commiting a crime or you_re about to get beat up. The vibe is terrible, but you can_t back down_you have to fight! This is no time to consider Ghandi_s anti-violence movement, you must get f_king pissed.

These surfers are the ones who think surfing has historical correlations to football or Greek Olympics. They guard their main peak and laugh with all their buddies real loudly so you_ll feel totally uninvited. The funniest part is 90 percent of these people can_t really surf. It_s like the guy with the huge-car complex._big car, small penis. What is it with these dudes? They can_t surf, so they act tough. It_s time to get even, kids (it_s usually kids they_re trying to intimidate anyways). Take karate lessons, or simply call the police.There_s one guy who surfs the break where I live, and he_s always busy puttin_ out the vibe. One day, he was really busy puttin_ out the vibe, and this pack of novice bodyboarders paddled around him and got in his way. We all laughed out loud. So did he, but due to his lack of brain operation, he thought everyone was laughing at a joke he told twenty minutes ago. This shows that the dumb locals are easily manipulated and misdirected. Do these things to help stop this growing disease:

1. Tell the bullies there_s a new break no one else has surfed, and if they get their soon enough, they can claim it as their very own.

2. Tell them the Super Bowl is on television early this year with new really funny beer commercials. They will leave.

3. Just pick a fight. They don_t even know how to fight, so you_re sure to win! Their tough attitudes are just fronts to hide their wimpy-ass selves.

4. Be oblivious. Cut them off and then tell them you didn_t see them. Kill _em with kindness_tell them about your weekend.

Yes, this is a growing problem in our coastal areas across the nation. Because we can_t really get rid of them, just laugh at them. If you think about it, they_re pretty funny._J.M.

The World_s Worst Toy Ever!

As if full-sized scooters weren_t bad enough, here_s a new way for you to look stupid. It_s one thing to be doing fingerbangers on a cool little Birdhouse or Flip Tech Deck, but if you bust out a finger scooter at your lunch table, you_re gonna get tormented! It_s a law on playgrounds across the world: Anyone seen fingerscooting must be pantsed and dragged by his feet across the sandbox._C.C.

caption:

You don_t have to let your fingers do the walking anymore.

Book Reviews

RatsBy Paul ZindelHyperion Books

_Mutant sewage rats escape from a dump on Staten Island and wreak havoc on the towns citizens._ Yeah, sure. I could find a better way to wreak havoc on town citizens … how _e had to go to the nearest store and purchase a friendly looking animal costume. He just so happened to buy a white, fuzzy bunny outfit (he didn_t have enough to get the lion suit). When he showed up in front of his disciples and other followers, they laughed, so naturally he went back to heaven.

Third, about 200 years ago in what_s known as the state of Texas, there was a farmer who raised rabbits. and he used to sell them at local farms. One day while displaying his nicest rabbits, one of them shit an egg on the platform. Then one of the citizens ran up in amazment and dropped it. The egg cracked and shit fell out. Naturally, the Mid-westerner picked it up thinking it was chocolate and ate it. That_s why there_s so much chocolate on Easter. The real truth is that the Easter Bunny is a Nazi lab experiment that went bad in 1943. Those sick f_kers did a lot of weird shit, but nothing as warped as crossbreeding a human with a rabbit. This creature was raised healthy, later resembling a white gorrilla that was very fond of eating eggs. That_s the truth._J.M.

The Locals Are Always Mad

You_ve got your gear on, waxed your board up, and you_re now headed down to the beach. Then you see them_the chosen few who always surf the local beachbreak. They_re now eying you like you_re either commiting a crime or you_re about to get beat up. The vibe is terrible, but you can_t back down_you have to fight! This is no time to consider Ghandi_s anti-violence movement, you must get f_king pissed.

These surfers are the ones who think surfing has historical correlations to football or Greek Olympics. They guard their main peak and laugh with all their buddies real loudly so you_ll feel totally uninvited. The funniest part is 90 percent of these people can_t really surf. It_s like the guy with the huge-car complex._big car, small penis. What is it with these dudes? They can_t surf, so they act tough. It_s time to get even, kids (it_s usually kids they_re trying to intimidate anyways). Take karate lessons, or simply call the police.There_s one guy who surfs the break where I live, and he_s always busy puttin_ out the vibe. One day, he was really busy puttin_ out the vibe, and this pack of novice bodyboarders paddled around him and got in his way. We all laughed out loud. So did he, but due to his lack of brain operation, he thought everyone was laughing at a joke he told twenty minutes ago. This shows that the dumb locals are easily manipulated and misdirected. Do these things to help stop this growing disease:

1. Tell the bullies there_s a new break no one else has surfed, and if they get their soon enough, they can claim it as their very own.

2. Tell them the Super Bowl is on television early this year with new really funny beer commercials. They will leave.

3. Just pick a fight. They don_t even know how to fight, so you_re sure to win! Their tough attitudes are just fronts to hide their wimpy-ass selves.

4. Be oblivious. Cut them off and then tell them you didn_t see them. Kill _em with kindness_tell them about your weekend.

Yes, this is a growing problem in our coastal areas across the nation. Because we can_t really get rid of them, just laugh at them. If you think about it, they_re pretty funny._J.M.

The World_s Worst Toy Ever!

As if full-sized scooters weren_t bad enough, here_s a new way for you to look stupid. It_s one thing to be doing fingerbangers on a cool little Birdhouse or Flip Tech Deck, but if you bust out a finger scooter at your lunch table, you_re gonna get tormented! It_s a law on playgrounds across the world: Anyone seen fingerscooting must be pantsed and dragged by his feet across the sandbox._C.C.

caption:

You don_t have to let your fingers do the walking anymore.

Book Reviews

RatsBy Paul ZindelHyperion Books

_Mutant sewage rats escape from a dump on Staten Island and wreak havoc on the towns citizens._ Yeah, sure. I could find a better way to wreak havoc on town citizens … how _bout gonorrhea? Or syphilis? But rats?

Okay, the author_s aiming low. He has a tame vision of societal disruption. I mean, we already have lethal rats in high public office. The story_s about a bunch of deadly rats that are trying to destroy New York City. Oh, really? Deadly rats in New York City are like ticks on a whale, and rats make good pets, I hear. Mr. Zindel, maybe next month you should write about killer stinkbugs in Bombay, India.So you_re probably wondering why this book_s being reviewed in TransWorld SURF? Well, the lead character has a pet rat named _Surfer_ who apparently has better things to do then terrorize New York City. Did you know Paul Zindel won the 1971 Pulitzer prize? Notice the year_1971. The judges were probably on acid._J.M.

The Complete Guide To Paintball

Getfitnow.com Books

The other day I was walking by the free table (where employees put all the unwanted crap sent to them randomly) here at TransWorld when I noticed The Complete Guide To Paintball sitting on it. Although the book gives you tips on such things as tactics, rules, and maintenance, it doesn_t give you the harsh reality you feel when one of those f_kin_ paintballs hits you.

Paintballing is a painful sport. Last year I experienced my first game with some friends on a marine base of all places. Paintballers are scary people because the sport for them is like surfing for us. Geared out with cammies, special belts, semiautomatic guns, and names like Stew Smith, Pete _Robbo_ Robinson, and Rob _Tyger_ Rubin (the authors), they take the _sport_ seriously and in some cases, even sport _extreme_ team jerseys. Add a couple of jarheads (Marines) and you_ve recreated Lebanon in the 80s. My first hit came when I poked my head around the corner of a bunker and someone hit me directly between the eyes, forcing me to walk to the DMZ (demilitarized zone) and endure a couple more random shots in the process. That, plus the bruises on my ankle and torso, made me question how the hell anyone doesn_t get hit during TV gunfights_they always seemed so realistic.

Anyway, I eventually became comfortable with the sharp stinging pain after a couple of beers, and by the end of the day, we were crawling through the bushes having no clue as to who and where we were shooting. One of my _buddies_ even shot me in the neck while I was retreating. Anyway, if you love pain, are militaristic, and have nothing else to do, you should buy this book and shoot your friends in the neck._A.C.

Magazine Reviews

Here are critiqes of two magazines. We_re much better than these magazines. There, we said it_it_s true.

Surfer magazine, April 2001 Issue

Emap Publishing

The cover looks very _TransWorldish_ (that_s a marketing word). The content seemed good, but the only thing that actually seemed interesting to read was the _air_ story. It was a cool story_the best photos are of Ozzie_s judo, and Fletcher_s judos.If they were smart, they would_ve put the Ozzie judo on the cover because we just had a stalefish on ours. Also, we have a few corrections to point out: Troy Tecklenberg is not doing a lien, he_s doing a double grab, and there_s no point in calling a judo a backside judo because there_s no such thing. You guys should ask your coworkers over at Skateboarder for advice. Also, what are air shuffles and rocket grabs? Overall rating: _A_ for effort, and _D_ for nice try.

_TransWorld SURF Air Review Board

Cats magazine, February 2001 IssuePrimedia Publishing

I don_t know why I receive this magazine here at TransWorld SURF. A box of 50 of them come directly to the SURF department every month addressed to _Guy Saleme,_ and my name_s written on the box where it says _Attention._I_m not bummed at all, because Cats magazine is a great publication with informative facts about felines. I have a cat at home, and I_ve always wondered why he pukes all the time. With Cats magazine, I_ve found all the answers to everything I wan