Word 3-5

Behind The Cover: Kalani Robb

In our May 2001 issue of TransWorld SURF Volume Three, Number Three, we featured Kalani Robb inside a gaping froth-monster of a wave at Pipe this past winter. He was as far back as you could be in the barrel before being overtaken by a huge thunderball of foam. More than likely, he was shot out of the wave like a cannonball. When asked about the shot, Kalani could only reply, “I’m so deep, it’s your eyes that are blurry.”

The Billabong Ultimate Summer Giveaway

Yes, you heard it right. We’re giving away some summertime necessities courtesy of Billabong, and we want to give you, the reader, a chance to win it! All you have to do is dress up as your favorite dwarf, use peanut butter to make a fake beard, get someone to take a photo of you, and then send it to us. The funniest photo wins the gear and the admiration of our nation. Send us your photo of a peanut-butter-bearded dwarf by June 26, 2001 to:

“Peanut-Butter Beard”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

Book And Magazine Reviews

Pressures:
Avoiding Wipeout
Serendipity House
As America returns to its “core values” like anti-Semitism, money worship, and isolationist Darwinism, books like Pressures: Avoiding Wipeout are becoming must-reads. As part of the Youth Identity Series, Pressures: Avoiding Wipeout helps teens steer clear of evil by offering biblical interpretations of crises faced by young people today, which is about the equivalent of NASA using Cro-Magnon cave paintings as reference documents to building booster rockets for the space shuttle.For example, in chapter five, Pressures: Avoiding Wipeout addresses the problem of sexual desire by suggesting teens pair up and ask each other the following questions: “What was your favorite TV show as a kid?
” “Where do you go when you want to be alone?
” “If you could live anyplace in the world, where would it be?
” After the interview, the book suggests reading a Bible passage that also has nothing to do with issues of sexual desire and then suggests readers take a quiz about Jesus.Pressures: Avoiding Wipeout is a travesty. I suggest it be renamed How To Fix Mid-70s Volvo Transmissions With A Hard-Boiled Egg.-Joel

Sports Illustrated
Summer Swimsuit Issue
Uh, we just look at it to see all the latest swimsuit fashions. I swear the only reason it’s in our bathrooms is for the article about Seigfried and Roy. Points of interest include Elsa Benitez, Molly Sims, Amy Wesson, and the queen of my bathroom-Heidi Klum. Thank you, Sports Illustrated. My Victoria’s Secret magazine was getting worn out.-C.C.

Surfer Dies At Black’s Beach
… and lives to tell about it.

On February 13, 2001 Justin Smith, a hard-charging ripper from Encinitas, California, was struck in the head while surfing Black’s Beach in La Jolla. His ear connected with the flat of his board right on the stringer, knocking him out cold. Matt Coleman spotted Smith floating lifelessly near the shorebreak and rescued him.When they reached the shore, Smith had no pulse and wasn’t breathing-dead by anyone’s definition. Anyone’s except a nurse who was on vacation from the East Coast (what she was doing at Black’s, we don’t know). The angelic caretaker revived Smith via CPR. He was then taken to Scripps Memorial Hospital in critical condition.Two days later, he awoke from a coma-like state and began his second life. He doesn’t remember any white light or anything from the accident itself, but that may come in the future.-Justin Cote

TWS: So what’s it like to die?
Justin Smith: I’ve got some short-term-memory loss and a couple numb fingertips.

Are you going to wear a helmet now?
Yeah, I think I just got my freebie on life, so …

How’s this experience going to affect your life?
Well, I was already pretty stoked on life, but now I’m even more stoked. I’m gonnary to get some more barrels!

Do you think there was any reason for what happened?
Nah, my number just came up, but I told the grim reaper to go f-k himself!

Who’d you like to thank?
Matt Coleman, the nurse who gave me CPR, the lifeguards at Black’s, and my friends and family who visited me at the hospital.

Surf Slang

Joe-Pro Shred Guy-A guy who’s an average pro but thinks he’s something special.
Example: “James is pretty good, but he’s still just some Joe-pro shred guy.

Poo Bag-When a girl’s bathing-suit bottom is a little baggy and it looks like she pooped in it.
Example: “Damn. Henrietta looks hot, but she’s got a full-on poo-bag bathing suit.

The Lookie-Lookie Loogie-When you’re walking with a friend and you say, “Hey, look over there!” When your friend turns their head, you spit in their ear.
Example: “Rick f-ked me up with a crazy lookie-lookie loogie at the barbeque yesterday.

Sneat-A word meaning super neat. If you’re tired of saying cool or rad, say sneat.
Example: “Look at that pink guitar. Sneat!”

Whip Shit-A word meaning to really kick ass or tear things apart.
Example: “Man, that guy Matt knows how to whip shit on that dance pad.”

Geebs-Someone who’s a real dim-witted dumbass.
Example: “Check out Geebs. He’s trying to put tinfoil in the money machine.”

Rankenstein-Any person at a party who comes clad in expensive designer clothing.
Example: “Dude, who’s the Rankenstein in the Armani suit?

Arfart-When two people fart simultaneously.
Example: “Oh, my god. Did you hear that?
We both farted at the same time! That was such an awesome arfart.”

Synthetic Ambulator-A person who’s extremely wasted and trying to actually walk.
Example: “Whoa! Look at Chris right now. Every Friday night, he turns into such a synthetic ambulator.”

San Diego Honors Two Of Its Own
Machado and Johnson go to the Hall Of Champions.

“It’s been a long time coming, but we’re stoked it’s finally arrived,” was the overall attitude at the San Diego Hall Of Champions Wednesday evening, February 21, 2001. The Hall honored local San Diego-area heroes Rob Machado and Dane Johnson, as well as athlete standouts in other sports before kicking off its Ground Zero exhibition the following day.The exhibition runs through June 29 at the Hall and the featured surfer is Cardiff, California’s Machado. His proven consistency as a tried and true vet on the pro tour for years, topped off by his clinching the PipeMasters title in December, finally grabbed the attention of the Hall Of Champions nominating panel. They also tossed Rob an Athlete Of The Month award along with one for Carlsbad’s Dane Johnson, who’s ranked number one in NSSA Southwest Open Men’s and Explorer Junior divisions. Dane received his nomination for Athlete Of The Month the previous year after leading the Carlsbad High School men’s shortboard team to victory in the CISF State Championship.The Hall Of Champions had not recognized an area surfer since 1965 when Mike Doyle was nominated. A spokesman for the Hall stated that Rob and Dane mark an end to this dry period. Hall Of Champs icons were impressed at the earlier awards banquet backstage where Machado was the most sought-after figure by athletes who were nominated in other sports. Rob was humble and gracious-his parents supremely stoked. His mom was overheard saying, “We just love Kelly, but for once, it’s not all about Kelly!”-Amber Bliss

Amazing Moments In Surfboard Riding

The images seen here can only be explained as “amazing moments in surfboard riding.” They’re milliseconds of time caught with the power of a lens and a camera. Gaze in wonder as the cosmos come together and trip you out, man.-C.C.

Shot One:Here, Austin Ware is observed making the journey from imagination to reality by attempting a “through the looking glass shred-out.” He strolls out of Club Trip-Out right into the womb of your mind, you little trippers. Photo: ?

Shot Two:As if possessed by the ghost of the inventor of the best dance move ever, Joey Hutson throws away all “slash-pectations” and takes his mamma by the hand to do the twist. That’s right, Chubby Checker entered this young man’s body and wreaked havoc on his inhibitions, causing a total twist-out. Photo: ?

Shot Three:Kick the bird, you angel with broken wings. With his wings made of wax, Randy Bonds gets a pep talk from a friendly seabird consultant: “Hey, Randy. You fly like a feather flung from the highest tree in the land. And yes, it is beautiful.” Then the friendly bird asks Randy to please stop kicking him. Photo: ?

What To Do When Summertime Boredom HitsSave yourself from misery.

Every year it’s the same thing. We wait until winter hits so we can get waves. But then it gets too cold, there’re too many of your bros out, and there’re sharks. So we wait ’til summer again.When summer finally hits, the water’s still cold, too many people are out, and all the babes are taken. You need something to make you happy before you let loose and hurt someone or yourself. I’ve listed some things you can do that’ll make you happy while you wait for winter:

1. Since everyone’s wearing less clothing, get some binoculars and take a gander or two.

2. Put tacks in the sand at beach-volleyball courts. Sit back and enjoy the fun.

3. Instead of your trunks, wear Speedos and speak with a foreign accent. You’ll get more attention-people will be drawn to you.

4. Have a slumber party and invite only girls. (If you’re a girl, invite only boys.)

5. Take a dump on the floor at your school. Since school’s out right now, they’ll find your poo next year.

6. Stalk pro surfers and video them, then release a surf movie.

7. Go to an open-mic poetry reading. Read some verses from a really early published poet who no one knows about-everyone will like you.

8. Hang out at the mall, or any public place for that matter. It can be real fun, even if you have no money.

9. Go bowling, but please be careful. As you may already know, bowling alleys attract incompetant ill-natured folk. It’s almost as if there’s a big sign somewhere on the building that reads, “Assholes And Shitheads Alike, Welcome.”

10. Do the “Oops, I pooped my pants” trick. All you have to do is put a big sack of mud in your pants and walk around. All the attention will be fun, and you may even make friends. You’d be surprised how many people shit their pants.

See, there’re tons of fun things you can do this summer to save yourself from boredom. Help me help you. Don’t be afraid to engage in a little danger. Sometimes there needs to be a little personal danger to make it happen, okay?
-J.M.

Billy Bob Teeth
Look good and stupid at the same time.

Do you have perfect teeth?
Do you want teeth that’ll be a little more realistic looking?
Wear these babies-they’ll make you look like a real jerk. Everyone will know they’re fake, and you’ll think you’re so funny-“Look! I’m wearing these super funny messed-up teeth! Everyone thinks it’s so funny!” I wouldn’t put my faith in such gag items to make people laugh. Just forget about it. Don’t try to be funny with these, just buy them for their real purpose-to ward off the people who are trying to be your friends. No one likes to hang out with someone who has ugly-ass brown teeth. As soon as they see you, they’ll hate you and your stupid teeth.-J.M.

Nike Watch
Bad corporate timing.

Big corporate companies such as Nike sell thousands of products daily all over the world. That makes you think they wouldn’t be capable of making something gaudy, unnecessary, dumb, or ugly, right?
But then you see something like this. This watch is so damn ugly, you couldn’t make a baboon’s ass wear it. I tried it on for size and immediately took it off. How can people awomb of your mind, you little trippers. Photo: ?

Shot Two:As if possessed by the ghost of the inventor of the best dance move ever, Joey Hutson throws away all “slash-pectations” and takes his mamma by the hand to do the twist. That’s right, Chubby Checker entered this young man’s body and wreaked havoc on his inhibitions, causing a total twist-out. Photo: ?

Shot Three:Kick the bird, you angel with broken wings. With his wings made of wax, Randy Bonds gets a pep talk from a friendly seabird consultant: “Hey, Randy. You fly like a feather flung from the highest tree in the land. And yes, it is beautiful.” Then the friendly bird asks Randy to please stop kicking him. Photo: ?

What To Do When Summertime Boredom HitsSave yourself from misery.

Every year it’s the same thing. We wait until winter hits so we can get waves. But then it gets too cold, there’re too many of your bros out, and there’re sharks. So we wait ’til summer again.When summer finally hits, the water’s still cold, too many people are out, and all the babes are taken. You need something to make you happy before you let loose and hurt someone or yourself. I’ve listed some things you can do that’ll make you happy while you wait for winter:

1. Since everyone’s wearing less clothing, get some binoculars and take a gander or two.

2. Put tacks in the sand at beach-volleyball courts. Sit back and enjoy the fun.

3. Instead of your trunks, wear Speedos and speak with a foreign accent. You’ll get more attention-people will be drawn to you.

4. Have a slumber party and invite only girls. (If you’re a girl, invite only boys.)

5. Take a dump on the floor at your school. Since school’s out right now, they’ll find your poo next year.

6. Stalk pro surfers and video them, then release a surf movie.

7. Go to an open-mic poetry reading. Read some verses from a really early published poet who no one knows about-everyone will like you.

8. Hang out at the mall, or any public place for that matter. It can be real fun, even if you have no money.

9. Go bowling, but please be careful. As you may already know, bowling alleys attract incompetant ill-natured folk. It’s almost as if there’s a big sign somewhere on the building that reads, “Assholes And Shitheads Alike, Welcome.”

10. Do the “Oops, I pooped my pants” trick. All you have to do is put a big sack of mud in your pants and walk around. All the attention will be fun, and you may even make friends. You’d be surprised how many people shit their pants.

See, there’re tons of fun things you can do this summer to save yourself from boredom. Help me help you. Don’t be afraid to engage in a little danger. Sometimes there needs to be a little personal danger to make it happen, okay?
-J.M.

Billy Bob Teeth
Look good and stupid at the same time.

Do you have perfect teeth?
Do you want teeth that’ll be a little more realistic looking?
Wear these babies-they’ll make you look like a real jerk. Everyone will know they’re fake, and you’ll think you’re so funny-“Look! I’m wearing these super funny messed-up teeth! Everyone thinks it’s so funny!” I wouldn’t put my faith in such gag items to make people laugh. Just forget about it. Don’t try to be funny with these, just buy them for their real purpose-to ward off the people who are trying to be your friends. No one likes to hang out with someone who has ugly-ass brown teeth. As soon as they see you, they’ll hate you and your stupid teeth.-J.M.

Nike Watch
Bad corporate timing.

Big corporate companies such as Nike sell thousands of products daily all over the world. That makes you think they wouldn’t be capable of making something gaudy, unnecessary, dumb, or ugly, right?
But then you see something like this. This watch is so damn ugly, you couldn’t make a baboon’s ass wear it. I tried it on for size and immediately took it off. How can people actually like this?
I just can’t find the attraction. I tell you, we should stop thinking about these puzzling questions and get mad! Take these types of widgets and smash them on the front door of Niketown. Niketown, can you believe that?
A town devoted to consumer products?
What an abomination. Well, I guess I’d wear this watch if one of the kids in the Make-A-Wish Foundation asked me to. -J.M.

Subversive Poo Tactics
How to poo in the water and get away with it.

If you have to go, you have to go. So when it comes to pooing in the water, I learned a hard lesson at a young age about the need for subversive poo tactics (or SPT). It all started when I was around nine or ten years old and my parents forced my brothers and I to relocate to Northern California from Encinitas. Having never been in really cold water, my brother took me to Half Moon Bay for my first session in a fullsuit. Not only was I shocked at the sheer coldness of the water, but I was put in a strange dilemma I’d never been in before-how do I poo with a fullsuit on?
Starting to “peek a gopher,” I soon asked my brother-a wetsuit veteran-if I could go to the bathroom in my new suit. Assuming I meant pee pee, he said, “Go ahead,” so I unloaded in my suit. After the session was over and we were getting into his truck, my brother smelled the foulness that was me, so I was relinquished to a very cold drive home in the back. As a result of my embarrassment, I now pride myself on SPT and would like to share them with you.The first thing you have to consider is tactical wetsuit or trunk placement. Trunks are easy because they’re probably hanging off your ass already. With wetsuits, you have to play the macho-man game that involves pulling your suit down to your waist and tying it behind your back, giving you a long-legged, Spandex/biker look. The first rule about pooing in the water is you have to act as though nothing’s going on-pretend you’re in la-la land. I like to call this the “I’m Bored” poo. It’s fairly simple: make sure there aren’t any sets coming, lay on you board sideways as if nothing’s going on, and unload. If a set does come, you’ll be up shit creek without a paddle.A personal favorite of mine is the “Upstream Log Method.” It was perfected in the south-swell currents of the summertime. It’s really fun to outpaddle everyone upstream, unleash your logs, and watch them flow downstream. It’s especially fun if it’s crowded and you’re not getting any waves.The sure-shot method that’s the safest is the “I’m Stuck On The Inside” poo. By sitting on the inside, the whitewash covers up your mess, you look like you’re too tired to paddle out, and all your poo gets crumbled.Hopefully, my experience in the matter has helped, and the next time you poo in the water you’ll think of SPTs and TransWorld SURF.-A.C.

The Tech Deck Dirtboard
Dirty backyard fun.
Here’s yet another way to skate without actually skateboarding. The twist this time is it’s on dirt. Dirtboarding is like a gypsy sport people do when there’s no snow or waves. Playing with the dirt board is easy-put on some dirty clothes, go into your backyard, and start screwing around in the dirt. Build little jumps, pretend you’re some extreme Mountain Dew dirtboarder, and rip up some dirt. This toy is like the Tonka truck of Tech Decks, but stupid.-C.C.

Why Europeans Wear Speedos

As you might know, every culture has distinct features that separate them from other cultures. For instance, the people of mid Africa carry spears and kill large mammals, while the British drink tea and speak proper English. The Hawai’ians wear flower trunks and surf a lot, and U.S. Midwesterners rope cattle, tip them over at night, and appear on numerous daytime American talk shows.

Since this is a surf magazine, we evaluate the surf culture repeatedly. So we have to wonder, “Why do Americans wear trunks and most Europeans wear Speedos?
” Well, that’s wh