WORD 3-6

Word – Behind The Cover Barney

Behind The Cover: Barney
Santa Cruz, California TransWorld SURF photographer Dave “Nelly” Nelson is on a bit of a roll these days. After shooting Jeremy Scribner’s cover on our June 2001 issue, he followed it up in the July 2001 issue with Shawn “Barney” Barron’s air shot cover from The Lane.

Besides being a super-consistent cameraman who works his ass off, Nelly’s also an incredible surfer and skateboarder. Ask any Santa Cruz professional about him, and they’ll tell you Nelly’s on it-your ass better be prepared. The following’s a quick interview with Barney about a week after the cover came out.-A.C.

When did you see the cover?
Actually, the guys at NHS/Santa Cruz Surfboards showed me and I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “What?

Do you remember when and where you took that shot?
I had no idea. I had to backtrack the shot through Nelly. He said it was from The Lane in the midday or something. There was a kayak contest going on and Vince Collier was the water patrol. He was like “Oh, yeah. You can just surf the point,” and there was like four guys out-it was pretty cool.

The question on everybody’s mind is did you pull it?
I pulled that so quick, so fast, and so clean laughs. I don’t know if I pulled it.

I’m just gonna say you did.Okay, yeah, I pulled it I guess. I’m like a leprechaun, I’m not sure. Sometimes you fall and sometimes you make it.

What’d you think about the colors around you?
I was getting flashbacks from the late eighties.

Are we gonna see more covers from you in the future?
If you guys want to run ’em, sure-do lunch.

Keep working with Nelly.I know, how’s the coverguy?
He’s just, bam, bam! It’s such a shocker, cause’ you guys ran a Santa Cruz guy last issue-then you go back to back and run another Santa Cruz guy.

What’s Nelly’s formula for success?
Umm, I think he’s a surfer and he’s shot skateboarding. He knows where to shoot and where to be. He can visualize what’s gonna happen and that’s the key-if you don’t know, you just don’t know. I think that’s why he’s done so well in surf photography.

Behind The Cover:
Jeremy Scribner

In case you didn’t notice, the last two covers of TransWorld SURF were two Santa Cruz dudes shot by our main Santa Cruz photographer, Dave Nelson. Nelly kills it, and if you’re any one of the many Santa Cruz guys he calls to shoot with, you’re gonna get things like a cover. Jeremy Scribner’s our youngest cover boy yet. On planet Santa Cruz, there’re tons of talented air guys, and Scribby’s the newest, youngest version. Get ready, ’cause here he comes.-A.C.

How’d you find out you were on the cover?
Nelly told me, actually.

When and where was that photo taken?
At Little Windansea. He snuck up on me one night. I don’t really know the date, but he snuck up on me probably two months ago.

Did you know you’re the youngest guy on our cover so far?
I know, I’m psyched. It’s a dream come true. I’d like to thank everybody there at TransWorld SURF, too.

No worries, just keep working hard. So have you gotten any money off the cover or anything like that?
I got a little bonus from Santa Cruz surfboards. That’s about it.

Was this a jump start for your career?
For sure. It’s got me more amped, and people are calling me all the time. Things are finally starting to happen.

I Want Andy’s Board
The HIC surfboard giveaway.

Andy Irons is one of the best surfers on the planet. He rides for HIC surfboards, and the two have teamed up to make one lucky reader very, very happy. They’re giving out a custom, one-of-a-kind, ass-kicking Andy Irons Pro Model surfboard designed to your exact specifications.

All you need to do is write us a paragraph about why Andy Irons is the best surfer in the world. The best submission will be awarded the board. Here’s a hint:
Dazzle us, use cols, use paint, use goat blood-just make us laugh or want to cry. This board will make you surf like Andy, so put some effort into it, people. Send entries by July 31, 2001 to:
“Andy Irons Rules The World”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

The New Nike Watch

Nike’s a shoe company that also makes just about every other accessory for your body, such as shirts, socks, sunglasses, gloves, earmuffs, and kayaks. This new watch geared toward water-bound sports people is water-resistant and bright enough that if you fall off a boat in the middle of the ocean, a rescue plane will be able to pick you up in no time. Wear this watch if you plan on falling off a boat or kayak.-C.C.

SURF SLANG

bilge-The gunk that comes out of your booties.Example:
“Dude, I’ll give you twenty bucks if you drink this bilge.”

brainerd-A really smart but antisocial, phobic person.Example:
“Wow! I can’t believe Josh got his brother to come to the party. He’s such a brainerd.”

devas-Bro-phonics for devastating.Example:
“Dude, that lipper was so devas!”

egg beater-A dude who just sits there in the way when you’re trying to catch a wave.Example:
“Hey, egg beater! Get the hell out of the way!”

Gandolf-A very old and wise surfer bro.Example:
“Oh, wise and mystical Gandolf, tell us why the waves suck so bad around here.”

gerbering-A person who throws up on themselves in public.Example:
“Man! Who’s the guy at the end of the bar just gerbering everywhere?

mick jaggering-Southern Californian slang for masturbating.Example:
“Oh, gosh! I was busy in the bathroom this morning mick jaggering, and my mom barged in on me.”

oncoppiculated-Not acting like your normal self.Example” “Gee, George. You seem very oncoppiculated today. What’s wrong?

squid lid-A stupid-looking hat.Example:
“Dude, check out Asia in that squid lid. She’s so sketchy.”

suudge-The sound a very fast surf slash makes.Example:
“Oh, man. That guy Joel was just hauling ass down the line, and then all of a sudden-suudge, a huge frickin’ spray, bro.”

tearadactyl-An old neighborhood bro who’s really aggressive and still rips.Example:
“Damn! Eugene is such a tearadactyl. He’s 68, still paddles out, and gets any wave he wants at the harbor.

Special Bro-isms And Brah-isms

broletariat-Your “working class” friends.Example:
“Marc and the rest of the broletariat went to Taco Bell for dinner.”

broliferate-When after you come into some money, suddenly everyone’s your friend. Example:
“Ever since I won the lottery, my friends have broliferated.”

brahpaganda-Gossip amongst brahs. Example:
“Mike isn’t gay, that’s just brahpaganda.”

brahphet-The guy who thinks he knows everything. Example:
Jimmy was over last night telling everyone the Padres are going to win the World Series this year. He’s such a brahphet.”

Shocking Electric Giveaway
Win some cool shades, bro.
Your good bros at Electric Visual Evolution want to hook you up with some of their newest, coolest, most ripping shades yet! Bam Margera and Barney both told us that these are the best sunglasses. All you have to do is send in a story about your most “shocking” experience with an electrical device. Tell us about the time you put a fork in the wall socket and your head exploded, or the about the time you dropped a toaster into the bathtub when Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” song climaxed. Send your entries by July 31, 2001 to:
“Shock The Monkey”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

How To Avoid Sunburns This Summer
A magical compound called Gorf will save your skin.

These days, everyone naturally assumes that the thick, white, goopy crap called sunscreen is what helps you avoid sunburns. It is, but what really helps is a very abundant and available ingredient in the sunscreen itself. It’s called Gorf, and it can be found in many places. In its purest form (without additives that taste weird and are super greasy), it can really help you.

So let me tell you a little about Gorf and where to find this wonderful, magical ingredient, okay?
Have you ever cleaned behind your toilet and seen that dark-yellow crud caked on the porcelain?
Well, there you go-that’s one of the first places to find Gorf. Just scoop it up and rub it on.

Ever popped a zit and had creamy white stuff come out?
Well, that’s another place to find Gorf. If you get enough, you can sell it. You can recycle it, too. Just rub it on your body, and then pop more zits. Another place you can find Gorf is on roadkill or dead, washed-up sea life. It grows near their corroded genitals. Just remember to bring some rubber gloves when extracting the Gorf.

The summer rays are gonna be killer, but with a thick layer of Gorf, you can conquer the hot sun. You won’t find Gorf listed on the back of your sunscreen bottle because sunblock makers don’t want to release their secret weapon yet. But I tell you, it’s there. -J.M.

Dunce Of The MonthTaj Tucker:
“I didn’t do it, man.”

Some of us are good people whom bad things happen to for no reason. Others are real knuckleheads and get what’s coming to them. Take Taj Tucker, for instance. Not known for being quiet or humble, Taj’s recklessness always seems to get him in trouble, but he can never figure out why. “It’s the way he’s been all his life, and he won’t stop,” says his mom Teri Tucker.

Taj just recently went through a string of “bad luck” that started when he got two different trucks stuck in the mud off-roading-one was his mother’s cherry Cherokee. Soon after, he rear-ended a lady while driving in Solana Beach, California. Knowing Taj, he was f-king around and bam, smacked the lady for 9,000 dollars in damages to his truck. But it wasn’t that way according to him:
“This lady was riding her brakes. I went to get out from behind her into the left lane, and I just clipped her.”

Then, approximately seven days later, he held a “Pimp And Ho” party with 350 people at his house. As it finished, Taj decided to go pick up a friend at 3:
00 a.m. The house was approximately twenty minutes away-he was wearing his costume and had a keg sticking out the back with two bottles of hard alcohol in front. As fate would have it, he found himself getting a DUI about four blocks from his friend’s house. He had to call his mom from jail wearing a “pimp” suit. Plus, his girlfriend dumped him around the same time.About two weeks later, Taj and a friend were playing on jet skis at the Oceanside Harbor. Taj decided to “shred” near some surfers and then cruise through the pier, earning himself a 1,000- dollar ticket from the harbor patrol.

Can it get any worse?
That remains to be seen. “That’s Taj, and that’s the life he’s gonna go through,” says his mom. “It’s gonna be a very good learning year for him. Daddy had to drive him to the beach with his cell phone in his backpack today.”-A.C.

Pick-Up Lines For The Beach This Summer
Learn to say the right things to the right people.

Okay, boys and girls. Summer’s here now-it’s time to get crazy, lose control, get down to business, and bring all bystanders to a standing ovation. We all know that throughout the winter and spring, you’ve been practicing your pick-up lines to lay on the vast amount of beachgoers this summer. But I tell you, they’re not good enough. People are getting smarter. They’re gaining computer-like analysis skills and intuitional radar capabilities, so there must be a way to really get them to listen to your verbal advances.

Here’re some pick-up lines for you to try. These were carefully developed to get past the barriers and go straight to the object of your desire’s central mainframe.is a very abundant and available ingredient in the sunscreen itself. It’s called Gorf, and it can be found in many places. In its purest form (without additives that taste weird and are super greasy), it can really help you.

So let me tell you a little about Gorf and where to find this wonderful, magical ingredient, okay?
Have you ever cleaned behind your toilet and seen that dark-yellow crud caked on the porcelain?
Well, there you go-that’s one of the first places to find Gorf. Just scoop it up and rub it on.

Ever popped a zit and had creamy white stuff come out?
Well, that’s another place to find Gorf. If you get enough, you can sell it. You can recycle it, too. Just rub it on your body, and then pop more zits. Another place you can find Gorf is on roadkill or dead, washed-up sea life. It grows near their corroded genitals. Just remember to bring some rubber gloves when extracting the Gorf.

The summer rays are gonna be killer, but with a thick layer of Gorf, you can conquer the hot sun. You won’t find Gorf listed on the back of your sunscreen bottle because sunblock makers don’t want to release their secret weapon yet. But I tell you, it’s there. -J.M.

Dunce Of The MonthTaj Tucker:
“I didn’t do it, man.”

Some of us are good people whom bad things happen to for no reason. Others are real knuckleheads and get what’s coming to them. Take Taj Tucker, for instance. Not known for being quiet or humble, Taj’s recklessness always seems to get him in trouble, but he can never figure out why. “It’s the way he’s been all his life, and he won’t stop,” says his mom Teri Tucker.

Taj just recently went through a string of “bad luck” that started when he got two different trucks stuck in the mud off-roading-one was his mother’s cherry Cherokee. Soon after, he rear-ended a lady while driving in Solana Beach, California. Knowing Taj, he was f-king around and bam, smacked the lady for 9,000 dollars in damages to his truck. But it wasn’t that way according to him:
“This lady was riding her brakes. I went to get out from behind her into the left lane, and I just clipped her.”

Then, approximately seven days later, he held a “Pimp And Ho” party with 350 people at his house. As it finished, Taj decided to go pick up a friend at 3:
00 a.m. The house was approximately twenty minutes away-he was wearing his costume and had a keg sticking out the back with two bottles of hard alcohol in front. As fate would have it, he found himself getting a DUI about four blocks from his friend’s house. He had to call his mom from jail wearing a “pimp” suit. Plus, his girlfriend dumped him around the same time.About two weeks later, Taj and a friend were playing on jet skis at the Oceanside Harbor. Taj decided to “shred” near some surfers and then cruise through the pier, earning himself a 1,000- dollar ticket from the harbor patrol.

Can it get any worse?
That remains to be seen. “That’s Taj, and that’s the life he’s gonna go through,” says his mom. “It’s gonna be a very good learning year for him. Daddy had to drive him to the beach with his cell phone in his backpack today.”-A.C.

Pick-Up Lines For The Beach This Summer
Learn to say the right things to the right people.

Okay, boys and girls. Summer’s here now-it’s time to get crazy, lose control, get down to business, and bring all bystanders to a standing ovation. We all know that throughout the winter and spring, you’ve been practicing your pick-up lines to lay on the vast amount of beachgoers this summer. But I tell you, they’re not good enough. People are getting smarter. They’re gaining computer-like analysis skills and intuitional radar capabilities, so there must be a way to really get them to listen to your verbal advances.

Here’re some pick-up lines for you to try. These were carefully developed to get past the barriers and go straight to the object of your desire’s central mainframe. One last thing:
Always practice these lines in the mirror before you go out to try them-they must be perfected in order to work correctly.-J.M.

1. Oh, such wonderful Calapygia! I want to take you to my midnight Slip ‘n’ Slide where we can Freudian slip ’til dawn.

2. Wanna go bird huntin’?
You could be the decoy with those angel wings.

3. Pardon, did I fart?
Because it smells.

4. Are you happy to see me, or do you shop at Banana Republic?

5. Whaddaya say you and I get a bottle of Jack, a bucket fulla clams, some nine irons, a pair of Rollerblades, and get weird.

6. Hey, I’ve got the new Pointer Sisters album in my CD player. We could put it on and dance ’til morning comes.

7. They say God created the Earth in seven days, but I think it was eight, ’cause you took one more day.

8. I work in a butt factory, and you’re still the finest piece of ass I’ve seen yet.

9. My old girlfriend says I have a large penis.

10. Do you ever feel like everyone looks at you and thinks, “God, that person looks like a supermodel, movie star, or pro sports player”?
Yeah-me, too.

Merican Paint Pens
Screw airbrushing-do it yourself!

In the July 2000 issue last year, Ratboy and Tyler Smith explained how to use paint pens to create graphics on surfboards. In the story, they said to use Poska paint pens-pens that can only be found in Japan. After endless e-mails about the subject, we’re happy to say we’ve found something to please you. Merican Board Graphics is now selling complete graphics kits that include five pens in various colors and sizes, sandpaper, and spray enamel-everything to get artsy fartsy on your rip stick. The pens come in fourteen different colors and can be ordered in custom sets at your local surf shop. They also contain nontoxic, water-based acrylic paint, so you’re out of luck if you’re looking to sniff them. -A.C.Check out Merican’s Web site at merican-graphics.com for retailers and design examples.

The Jesus Night-Light
Let his light, light your way.
He’s fed the masses, cured lepers, parted the Red Sea, died on the cross for our sins, returned from the dead, and inspired countless horrible Christian-rock songs, and now, just when you thought he had nothing left to give, he’s back to light up our bathrooms. That’s right, our holy savior Jesus Christ of Nazareth is now embodied on a molded-plastic night-light designed to bring us comfort during the hours that God seems least interested in what’s going on in our lives.No longer must we feel as though Jesus has left us alone in the blackness of our bedrooms, pretending not to hear our shrieks of terror as fanged clown dolls plot against us from under our beds. The Jesus Night-Light cuts through all that we don’t understand, warding off everything from night monsters and impure thoughts to disbelievers and those freaks who believe in the separation of church and state.The Jesus Night-Light reminds you to “Let His Light, Light Your Way … ” Available everywhere night-lights and/or religious trinkets are sold.-Joel

Almost Famous
You Huge in Japan.
I’ve always wondered what it feels like to open a surf magazine and see a pullout poster of myself doing some crazy slash or getting the tube of the decade. I’d thought I’d never know the feeling of being a poster boy-until now. A company called You Huge will put any picture of you ripping on a full-size poster with some edgy slogan printed along the bottom. The picture I chose is of me and some friends having fun at this one girl’s quincea§era. She just turned fifteen, and my friends wrecked her party. It was all her fault-she shouldn’t have invited us losers to her party.-C.C.

The Beautiful People
Surfers are beautiful, just ask the editors of the highbrow fashion magazine Vogue. In their May 2001 issue, they dedicated sixteen priceless pages to a beach party with such notable guests as the Malloys, Danny Fu