WORD 3-7

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Sometimes surfers aren’t the easiest people to find-they’re incredibly hard to get a hold of. We tried to get Dustin Cuizon, the newest and youngest cover person ever, but he was honing his skills for the NSSA Nationals on Kaua’i. As a result, we ended up with the next best thing-Dave Riddle, the Volcom and Dragon Hawai’ian team manager (as well as Dustin’s coach). The following’s Dave’s account of what happened when Dustin finally saw himself on the cover.-A.C.

How’d Dustin find out about the cover?
From me or Pete, I think. Pete called me and then you called me-everyone kind of called me at once. Then I called Dustin and said, “Congratulations, you just got the cover.”

What’d he do?
He was in disbelief. He didn’t believe me until he actually saw it. You’d sent it ou to us that day, looked at it, was hesitant, and then when he just freaked. His mom was driving down the road somewhere and he called her on the cell phone and said, “Mom, you gotta come over and see this!” She was all, “What do you mean?
” He said, “You gotta come see this magazine.”So she turned her car around, drove back home, and walked in only to see Dustin just sitting there in the house looking at his cover. He was really stoked.

HSS Clothing Giveaway ExtravaganzaHere at TransWorld SURF, we pride ourselves on superior customer service and satisfaction. We treat our readers like royalty. To ensure our fine standard of leading the field of surf-stuff giveaways, we bring you the HSS Clothing Giveaway Extravaganza.If you remember a while back to the issue (Volume 2, Number 5) with the DVS giveaway, where we had you guys write to us and tell what DVS stood for, I think the funniest entry was Dingleberry Vapor Sniffer, or Dave’s Violated Sphincter. Anyhoo, hopefully you swift-minded readers out there get the picture and write what you think HSS stands for. I think it stands for Hermaphrodite Salad Shooter, but I’m not sure. So get creative and send us your entry by September 4, 2001 to:

“HSS Clothing Giveaway Extravaganza”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

The Top Ten Greatest Magazines
To Read On The Toilet

This is our list of the Top Ten greatest magazines to read while on the crapper. Each one was carefully tested in our own research facility here at TransWorld SURF. These magazines have withstood the putrid stench of human innards and have come out victoriously free of shit-stained pages.-C.C.

10. 101 Hairstyles
Celebrity Styles Inc.
This is an ideal toilet reader. While you sit and wait for nature to work its magic, you can decide how you want the ladies in your life to look. Simply go through this handy guide and pick out a few new looks for your lady. Grab her and say, “Do this!” She’ll slap your face and dump you, but at least your stomachache will be gone.

9. Muddle
Dave Brown/Ron Richards Publishing
Muddle is a big ‘zine filled to the gills with indie-scene hubbub. It has loads upon loads of interviews, CD reviews, and band photos. Any fan of The Flaming Lips, The Hot Snakes, or Modest Mouse will be happy to read this love letter to your indie brain.

8. Fate
Liewellyn Worldwide
Haunted lakes, the Green Children of Woolpit, and the Russian Roswell-just a few of the amazing and interesting stories you’ll read about in the world’s favorite conspiracy magazine. There’s proof of haunted lakes and ancient sorcery in Peru. This is an awesome magazine, but it may make you wonder what’s real and what’s imagined. Trip out, and trip out some more, you fruit bats.

7. The Fader
F Publications
Fader has hot Euro ladies, shoes you can’t get in America, Bjîrk, and some head-trippin’ fashion that’ll make you wonder what’s really going on. You can’t truly act like Euro trash if you don’t read Fader. In the most recent issue, there’s a Dogtown Skateboards feature, a basketball fashioshoot, and tons of other good shit.

6. Soaps And Candles
Primedia
First of all, chicks love all this soap and candle stuff. Second of all, if you’re anywhere near a lady and you’re bombing one of those after-school specials, you better have a candle and some soap nearby or she’ll be straight disgusted with the smell of your innards. You can also use this magazine to impress her by showing your feminine side.

5. Nylon
Hearst Communications
Very Euro (but it’s made in America), very chic, very well-designed, and rather unique. Nylon is a music, fashion, new gear, interview, and artsy magazine you may just fall in love with. It’s not as weird as Fader, and there’s some really good stuff to read. Most of the stories are one to two pages long, and most of the people featured are new and unusual. Be hip, read Nylon. It’s one of those things that’s like, you know, hip and stuff.

4. Spin
Vibe/Spin Ventures
This is a great American-music magazine. It’s a perfect toilet reader because of the short, concise, and entertaining stories. Human males tend to spend ten to twenty minutes per passage in the bathroom. That’s a perfect amount of time to read a few articles in Spin. One thing, though: we usually beat them to reviewing the new shit by two months, so look in TransWorld SURF’s Remix music section first. This particular issue has a fantastic Tool story and a good Weezer story. There’s also something on Mogwai. Will people finally listen?

3. Mad Magazine
E.C. Publications
Haven’t looked at Mad in a while?
You should. It’s still funny as hell and the perfect bathroom read. There’re lots of pictures and silly cartoons to help ease out those shipwrecks, if you know what I mean. All the best parts are still there: Spy vs. Spy, A Mad Look At … , The Lighter Side Of, Celebrity Cause Of Death, and the ever-popular Mad Fold-In back page. Go get Mad while taking a dump.

2. Q
EMAP Publications
A must for any music fan, Q is touted as one of the world’s best music magazines, and its reputation is well deserved. It’s always ahead of other U.S. music mags and dead-on with reviews and recommendations most of the time. Q is another Brit sensation that’s invaded our shores. Thank god for the Brits.

1. Cosmopolitan
Hearst Communications
Find out what girls are saying behind your back. Find out what she really thinks about your penis size. Find out what she thinks, you think, what she wants you to think, and why you’re not thinking it. Cosmo is a great way to visit your feminine side without wearing the panties. If you’re serious about macking ladies and getting deep into their twisted heads, read Cosmo and let your feelings, or feces, flow.

Top Five Greatest Magazines
To Throw In The Toilet

5. O
Hearst Communications
This magazine reeks of your grandma’s perfume-literally. There’re a bunch of ass-kissing starstruck interviews and woman crap. Maybe you’ll like it someday (if you get your balls cut off).

4. Ironman
Ironman Publishing
This is a gross magazine. The women in this magazine are mutants, and the men are horses. Just don’t tell them we said that.

3. Martha Stewart Living
Omnimedia
If you like collecting dish towels, glueing objects on other objects, or decorating with lattice, then this is your bag. Besides, we hear Martha can be a royal pain in the ass.

2. MH-18
Rodale Publications
This is the male equivalent to one of those teeny-bop girl magazines. It makes teenage boys worry about their weight and feel self-conscious about zits. If you’re a teenage boy who’s into dieting, sports camps, and “six-pack abs,” read MH-18. If you don’t like that kind of stuff, then make fun of the guys who are reading MH-18.

1. J-14
Teen Publishing
No wonder girls are so self-conscious and messed up sometimes these days. It’s because J-14 magazine is a brainwashing teen-pop regime with its sights set on complete and utter control of our impressionable female youth. All the bands you hate are included: *NSYNC, O Town, Backstreet Boys, and all the rest of the clones. Burn this shit if you see it.

Top 44 Bro-isms
Ever since we broke out with our first bro-isms, we never really took the time to define the actual word “bro.” There’re actually a few ways to use the word. For many people, the word “bro” means a close friend or acquaintance.

At TransWorld SURF, it’s a purposely overused term that makes fun of surfers who use the word a bit too much. The following’s a Top 44 list of the new and old bro-isms we like best. Are you a bro?
-A.C.

44. Lorenzbro Llamas-The bro who thinks he’s gonna be a famous actor.

43. Brometheus-A bro who likes to play with fire.

42. broduce-The veggies that bros eat.

41. brocedure-A bro who has the same system of getting ready to surf.

40. combro-A guy who’s a friend and an industry bro.

39. brogram-Plans made by a bro.

38. broficient-A bro who knows a lot about surfing and being a bro.

37. embrybro-A bro who looks super young.

36. brocrastinator-A bro who takes hours to pick you up to surf.

35. brotest-When bros take a stance.

34. brofessor-A bro who teaches other bros about surfing.

33. Eurobro-A bro from Europe.

32. brodent-A bro who looks like a rat.

31. Houston Astbro-A bro from Texas.

30. bropeller-A bro who throws his arms in circles when he surfs.

29. brofessional-A bro who’s a lawyer or doctor and still surfs.

28. Broshevik-A bro from Russia.

27. Edgar Allen Bro-A bro who thinks he’s a famous writer.

26. brotection-Your big bro who fights for you.

25. Santa Barbro-A bro from Santa Barbara.

24. bro’s nest-A place where a bunch of bros hang out.

23. marshmellbro-A bro who’s fat, as in overweight.

22. Vincent Van Bro-A bro who’s an artist.

21. bromoter-The bro who always pushes his club on you.

20. Brozac-Medication for guys who are too bro-ish.

19. broller coaster-A bro who just pumps down the line and never turns.

18. broducer-A bro who works in Hollywood.

17. brobation-A bro who never leaves his house because his parents or girlfriend won’t let him.

16. Brostin Howell The Third-A bro who’s super rich.

15. broem-The stupid poems about surfing that bros send us.

14. broactive-A bro who’s super hyper.

13. brototype-The older brother of a young, upcoming bro.

12. brotein-Anything bros eat after they surf.

11. broker-A bro who’s always trying to sell you something.

10. broser-A dude who thinks he’s a bro.

9. brofanity-Naughty words used by a bro.

8. John MacEnbro-The bro who always gets pissed when he loses heats.

7. broa constrictor-A bro who likes to hug other bros.

6. Julibro Iglesias-The bro who always sings in the water.

5. Broski and Hutch-A bro and his sidekick who’s always hanging with him.

4. bropane-Stinky bro gas.

3. police brotality-When cops abuse bros.

2. bromance-Romance between bros.

1. Marlbro-A bro who smokes way too many cigarettes.

G4 Titanium
This time around the revolution will be Mpegged.

Back in 1999, when Apple launched its revolutionary new G4 processor, the company’s Web site indicated with strong language that no G4s would be sold overseas for reasons of national security. You see, Apple was so thoroughly convinced that the computing power of their new processor could launch a missile, they weren’t going to risk selling one to a renegade government, terrorist group, or evil genius-unless, of course, they were located within the borders of the United States.

As it turns out, according to a PC World magazine poll, most rset on complete and utter control of our impressionable female youth. All the bands you hate are included: *NSYNC, O Town, Backstreet Boys, and all the rest of the clones. Burn this shit if you see it.

Top 44 Bro-isms
Ever since we broke out with our first bro-isms, we never really took the time to define the actual word “bro.” There’re actually a few ways to use the word. For many people, the word “bro” means a close friend or acquaintance.

At TransWorld SURF, it’s a purposely overused term that makes fun of surfers who use the word a bit too much. The following’s a Top 44 list of the new and old bro-isms we like best. Are you a bro?
-A.C.

44. Lorenzbro Llamas-The bro who thinks he’s gonna be a famous actor.

43. Brometheus-A bro who likes to play with fire.

42. broduce-The veggies that bros eat.

41. brocedure-A bro who has the same system of getting ready to surf.

40. combro-A guy who’s a friend and an industry bro.

39. brogram-Plans made by a bro.

38. broficient-A bro who knows a lot about surfing and being a bro.

37. embrybro-A bro who looks super young.

36. brocrastinator-A bro who takes hours to pick you up to surf.

35. brotest-When bros take a stance.

34. brofessor-A bro who teaches other bros about surfing.

33. Eurobro-A bro from Europe.

32. brodent-A bro who looks like a rat.

31. Houston Astbro-A bro from Texas.

30. bropeller-A bro who throws his arms in circles when he surfs.

29. brofessional-A bro who’s a lawyer or doctor and still surfs.

28. Broshevik-A bro from Russia.

27. Edgar Allen Bro-A bro who thinks he’s a famous writer.

26. brotection-Your big bro who fights for you.

25. Santa Barbro-A bro from Santa Barbara.

24. bro’s nest-A place where a bunch of bros hang out.

23. marshmellbro-A bro who’s fat, as in overweight.

22. Vincent Van Bro-A bro who’s an artist.

21. bromoter-The bro who always pushes his club on you.

20. Brozac-Medication for guys who are too bro-ish.

19. broller coaster-A bro who just pumps down the line and never turns.

18. broducer-A bro who works in Hollywood.

17. brobation-A bro who never leaves his house because his parents or girlfriend won’t let him.

16. Brostin Howell The Third-A bro who’s super rich.

15. broem-The stupid poems about surfing that bros send us.

14. broactive-A bro who’s super hyper.

13. brototype-The older brother of a young, upcoming bro.

12. brotein-Anything bros eat after they surf.

11. broker-A bro who’s always trying to sell you something.

10. broser-A dude who thinks he’s a bro.

9. brofanity-Naughty words used by a bro.

8. John MacEnbro-The bro who always gets pissed when he loses heats.

7. broa constrictor-A bro who likes to hug other bros.

6. Julibro Iglesias-The bro who always sings in the water.

5. Broski and Hutch-A bro and his sidekick who’s always hanging with him.

4. bropane-Stinky bro gas.

3. police brotality-When cops abuse bros.

2. bromance-Romance between bros.

1. Marlbro-A bro who smokes way too many cigarettes.

G4 Titanium
This time around the revolution will be Mpegged.

Back in 1999, when Apple launched its revolutionary new G4 processor, the company’s Web site indicated with strong language that no G4s would be sold overseas for reasons of national security. You see, Apple was so thoroughly convinced that the computing power of their new processor could launch a missile, they weren’t going to risk selling one to a renegade government, terrorist group, or evil genius-unless, of course, they were located within the borders of the United States.

As it turns out, according to a PC World magazine poll, most renegade Third World governments, terrorist groups, and evil geniuses prefer missile-launching computers more suited to the business environment, and we all know Apples are “art” computers. So, feeling reassured that the IRAs, Saddam Husseins, and Lex Luthers of the world wouldn’t be buying Windows-based computers with Pentium Processors to facilitate their Armageddon-style scenarios, Apple has decided to make its revolutionary G4 processor available in an ultra-slim, indestructible compact laptop with an “art computer” 15.1-inch screen.

The final product, named the G4 Titanium, is sleek, powerful, and infinitely smaller than the original G4 of two years ago. While in its current form it’s not the pinnacle of portable mass destruction Apple had hoped for, the Titanium’s definitely the fastest and best-looking way to check the surf from your bed on cold mornings.-J.P.

Top Ten Things To Do With Old Wetsuits

Wetsuits are like clothes. Initially, they were made to keep humans warm in bodies of water, but now they’re decorated and stylized-flashy things.When a wetsuit gets old, you don’t just put it in a box outside until the Salvation Army comes and picks it up. There’re things you can do to give life to your old suit. Here’re a few:

10. Stuff your old wetsuit with clothes and put a fake head on it. Put some shoes on it, and then place it on the passenger side of your car. Freeload in the carpool lane all the way to Nantucket, Rhode Island. If you get pulled over, tell the police your wetsuit’s your dead relative.

9. Cut a bunch of small six-inch slivers off the suit. Then take two of them and wrap ’em around each other. It’s like you’re braiding those cheap-looking bracelets you wore in sixth grade.

8. Cut the pants off your old wetsuit and use them in the summertime to keep you extra warm. You’ve heard of spring suits, full suits, long-arm springs, and long-john wetsuits, but have you ever heard of a pants suit?
Well, there you go.

7. Wear the wetsuit to the gym-it’ll make your workout better. You’ll burn tons of calories and get more attention-people will think you’re from the future.

6. Give the old wetsuit to your grandparents as a gift-they won’t know what it is. They’ll probably put it on and wear it out to dinner. Even if you don’t give it to them, it doesn’t matter-they wear weird, tacky-looking shit all the time anyway.

5. If you’re in a rock group, use the wetsuit to cover your band equipment.

4. Again, slice up an old wetsuit into small pieces. Then take the pieces and put them in the oven to bake for about an hour. Take ’em out and throw ’em in a deep fryer. Make a for-sale stand, go out on the corner, and sell them as exotic-island jerky.

3. Go to Death Valley this summer and wear your old wetsuit in a ditch all day. See if you can last, puss.

2. Take your old wetsuit and bury it in a canyon about 30 feet down. Years later, scientists will find it and know a lot more about our civilization.

1. If you have pets, make durable life jackets out of your old wetsuit. Then you can take your little buddies out surfing with you.

Top Ten Things To Do With Old Wetsuits

Wetsuits are like clothes. Initially, they were made to keep humans warm in bodies of water, but now they’re decorated and stylized-flashy things.When a wetsuit gets old, you don’t just put it in a box outside until the Salvation Army comes and picks it up. There’re things you can do to give life to your old suit. Here’re a few:

10. Stuff your old wetsuit with clothes and put a fake head on it. Put some shoes on it, and then place it on the passenger side of your car. Freeload in the carpool lane all the way to Nantucket, Rhode Island. If you get pulled over, tell the police your wetsuit’s your dead relative.

9. Cut a bunch of small six-inch slivers off the suit. Then take two of them and wrap them around each other. It’s like you’re braiding them to make tho