Word 3-8

Behind The Cover-Need text

Smith Giveaway-Need textSince the shade is called The Saint” Send us your most un-saintly adventure – Real Life or Fairy Tale we will decide”

The top 3 Stories win a Smith goodie bag.. Shades, shirts hat and Backpack..

Surf Slang

bit-Another way to say that someone’s bitter.Example: “Whoa. Cheer up, bro. You’re looking pretty bit.”

Fred Shred-An unknown dude who shreds super hard.Example: “Dude, I don’t know who that guy is, but he’s a full-on Fred Shred.”

goose egg-Getting a large boner in your surf trunks.Example: “Oh, no! I just saw Joan and now I’ve got the full goose egg.”

herky jerk-When someone surfs super jerky and spastic.Example: “Calm down, Josh! You’re surfing like a total herky jerk.”

Joe Jerkoff-An unknown dude who shows up at the beach and acts like a dick.Example: “Look at this guy! He’s just your average Joe Jerkoff.”

Random Randall-An unknown guy who shows up and acts just like a Joe Jerkoff, but he’s not a dick.Example: “Look at this guy. Is he just some kind of Random Randall?”

Scientologist-When someone has ripping down to a science.Example: “Joel rips so hard, he’s like a Scientologist.”

Special Industry Surf Slang

Billas-Another name for Billabong trunks.Example: “Whoa, Benji. Those Billas are sick! Can you get me a pair?”

Hurls-Another name for Hurley trunks.Example: “Dude, are you gonna wear the green Hurls or the red Hurls today?”

Quikies-Another name for Quiksilver trunks.Example: “Hey, bro! Can you hand me my Quikies?”

Veecos-Another name for Volcom trunks.Example: “Dude, don’t wear your Veecos today. I’m gonna wear mine.”

Zeeks-Another name for Ezekiel trunks.Example: “Yo, I just got the sickie new Zeeks. Check ’em out.”

Book Reviews

Breathing UnderwaterBy Alex FlinnHarperCollins PublishingThe first sentence in this book is, “I’ve never been in a courtroom before,” and the last line reads, “Tom takes off running, and I follow.” Go ahead and try to figure out what the book’s about. I’ve given you some clues-I’ve already tried myself, but I can’t figure it out. Reading’s always been hard for me. My eyes are crooked, but miraculously, my dad’s bedframe crushed me in the hallway when we were trying to move it out last year, and now I can see. Since then, I’ve gotten better at driving, and I got a job here at TransWorld SURF. Anyway, the book’s great. A girl named Alex wrote it. Isn’t that kinda funny? A girl named Alex?-J.M.

Play Better Baseball For GirlsBy Bob CluckYou know, I used to want to be a girl. They’re really nice, they’ve never initiated any wars, and they’re always hugging each other and watching each other change clothes.I still want to be a girl. They say it’s a “man’s world,” but you know it’d be nothing without a woman or a girl. Have you ever noticed the words “man” and “woman?” The word “woman” isbetter. Look at it-it already has “man” in it, and it’s a longer word. It sounds better, too-woo-man. Well, this book teaches girls how to play better baseball. It’s a really good book, and you can read it anywhere, anytime. There’re pictures of girls playing baseball in it. It’s nice. The author of the book is Bob Cluck-I think that may be a funny name, but I’m not sure.I’m not good at baseball. If I played a game against some of the girls pictured in this book, I’d probably lose real bad. That’s not saying much, though, considering my abilities. I wish I’d been good at baseball in high school, because I would’ve had more friends, would’ve been invited to parties, and would’ve been better looking. On page 56, paragraph two, it reads: “Whenever in doubt, you must always remember to charge the ball.” I think that’s really good advice for anyone.-J.M.

CorsairBy Chris BunchWarner BooksI’m an avid book reader who enjoys cuddling up to a vulgar, brassy novel before I go to bed. I’ve heard from various bookclubs, e-mail circles, and chat rooms that Corsair is killer, and that it’s actually an acronym. Yes, C.O.R.S.A.I.R. ands for Can Origami Really Start Anarchy In Russia?Interesting, huh? The book’s about pirates, though. Go figure. There’re wild parrots that play exceptional hands of poker, one-legged wenches who suck the primer right off the brigantine’s poop decks, and monster surf storms that’ll boogie woogie on yourbrain. Some of the characters have very curious names that I was able to translate on the World Wide Web. “Radnor,” for instance, translates in English to “ugly pirate with no mustache.” And then there’s “Gareth,” which means “Writes with left hand and behavesbadly with animals.”If you want to get upset, read this book-the old pirate life is just too attractive-sounding, and you know there’s no way to become one now. I mean, you just can’t pack up your bags and ditch your office-space computer wasteland and set sail off the coast of god knows where, right?-J.M.

A Surfer’s Guide For Flexibility And ConditioningBy Rick McAvoy I once read a quote in Surfer magazine that said, “If you didn’t stretch, you didn’t surf your best.” Stretching is important in any sport, and if you don’t stretch you’re gonna get hurt-that’s all there is to it. In this new book from personal-trainer Rick McAvoy, there’s some great information on stretching and strengthening the body. Even though the cover has some hokey drawing of a long-donger arching his back, this book is a good source of information about stretching. The book also comes with a length of surgical tubing for resistance exercises. I tried to make a water weenie out of the first one but it broke, so I had to ask for a new one. Make sure this tube is fastened well, or it may snap back at you and mess you up bad. -C.C.

The Taj Burrow Ultra Package Bro-Down!Win, win, win!Taj Burrow is one of our favorite surfers by far! He just f-king rips it, flat out. Taj also happens to be a total bro. He’s such a bro, in fact, he set us up with a package of his gear along with a personally autographed picture.Do you like Taj as much as we do? If you do, and you want to win the big, bad Taj package, simply send us a list of Taj Burrow’s sponsors. How easy is that shit! The winner takes all, and the rest get nothing but an invisible pat on the back for trying. Good luck, and send your fastest response by October 9, 2001 to: “I Wanna Be Like Taj”c/o TransWorld SURF353 Airport RoadOceanside, CA 92054

America’s Young Surf Heroes UnionizeYou can just call them The Union.A few years back, some Australian surfers were a tad bitter at all the success the Americans were having on the World Tour and the surfing world in general. As a result, they grouped together and created “LMB,” or “Lick My Balls” for short. Although nobody actually licked their balls, the newly found coalition of Australians helped each other along with the goal of being a competitive force-a goal they’re accomplishing now.Recently, Bron Heussenstamm came by to tell us about a group of fourteen Americans who have joined to do the same thing. Their name is “KMB” or “Kick My Balls.” No, just kidding. It’s called The Union, and it’s some of America’s top surfers between the nineteen- and 22-year-old age bracket. We sat Bron down to figure what the hell’s going on here.-A.C.

What’s The Union?Basically, it’s just the coming together of the next generation of surfers from the U.S.A.-a certain group of friends who were looking to say, “Hey, we’ve arrived. We’re here.” It’s a contest crew-everyone’s gonna make it, and we’re pretty much gonna do it together.

What ignited it?I was just looking at OAM On A Mission and the LMB, like what they did. We just wanted something of our own. I have this logo already patented and everything; we changed it a little bit, and it’s cool.

So you’re setting the foundation of the brand? You’re branding your group of guys as part of this so in the future people say, “Bron from The Union” or “Bobby from The Union.”I think so. That’s kind of our general point-we’re not really selling anything. You see the logo and think of the group and the individuals. It would be cool two or three years down the line to hear, “Yeah, The Union crew.”

Who’s involved with it?There’re fourteen of us. It’s not everyone who’s doing the contests, but it’s a core group of friends. Everyone in the group, if you see them on the road, will be with one of the other guys-guaranteed. It’s the Hobgoods, Ben Bourgeois, Phil Watters, Gabe Kling, Asher Nolan, Jason Shibata and Fred Patacchia from Hawai’i, Bobby Martinez, Mike Todd, Mike Losness, Dave Pinto, Ross Garrett, and I.

So will you guys pick what trips you’ll go on and what contests you’ll go to? We’d like to. It’s always hard to get a group of people motivated on anything. It’s more just like our group of friends. We’d like to do stuff where we’d all stick together on certain issues. We’re all equal; there’s no one person above anybody else.

Do you guys throw any Union gang signs with your hands, or is there a certain color scheme you wear?No.

You’re not gonna run down the beach with a flag and wearing some Speedos?No, I was thinking about getting some umbrellas made for contests, but that’s down the line.

Can we look forward to a Union versus LMB contest? I don’t know, maybe sometime in the future. It’s not really to go head-to-head with anybody. It’s not our thing to go against them, it’s just doing our thing.

Is it a hidden response to your sponsors or the media not really supporting you guys as much as you want when you’re out there?Nobody really cares about the contests overseas, and this is a group of surfers who are gonna be on the ‘CT in five or six years, or who are already on the tour. We’re doing it on our own, and we’re gonna make it. We’re motivated, and if people aren’t stoked on it-fine. We’re gonna bring it home to them.

How does somebody become a member?It’s basically the group of friends.

So if I was a young kid, would I have to buddy up to you to become part of The Union?It’s not like that.

Is there an initiation rite where you beat someone in?No, there should be. We all started it together. We’re all good friends and like to compete. We’re not a bunch of pussies. We’re not just saying contests are bullshit or anything-we like contests, and we’re gonna win contests.

Is there gonna be a union of groupies who follow you around called The Unionettes?I hope so.

You gonna have cheerleaders?That’s not a bad idea.

The Voodoo DollInauthentic hexing.This voodoo doll isn’t really an authentic tool used in black-magic ceremonies-it isn’t even real-looking. There’re probably about 100,000 of these manufactured voodoo dolls all over the U.S. I gave this little doll to my six-year-old nephew, and ever since, my balls have been getting these sharp, piercing jolts that send me into a world of pain.I now cry uncontrollably, my hands itch, and my asshole feels like it’s going to fall out, so I’m not really skeptical anymore. The same goes for those “magic” eight balls. About a year ago, I asked if I’d be six feet tall sometime in the near future. It replied, “You wish, dumbass.”-J.M.

SI-5 Speaker GiveawayHow’d you like to win a set of one of the most badass mini-speaker systems in the world? Sure you would! The contest is simple: Send us a list of your top five CDs of all time. If we like the list, you win! (Actually, all the lists will be thrown in a bucket and chosen randomly.) Get ready to rock with the SI-5 speaker system! Send your response by October 9, 2001 to: “Badass Speakers” c/o TransWorld SURF353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

Artist Network ProgramConsumerism minus Satan.Rvca Clothing has teamed up with four popular “action-sports-type” artists to release a limited-edition line of T-shirts that’ll benefit some worthwhile charities. The shirts will feature original art by members of the Artist Network Program, whose roster cur general point-we’re not really selling anything. You see the logo and think of the group and the individuals. It would be cool two or three years down the line to hear, “Yeah, The Union crew.”

Who’s involved with it?There’re fourteen of us. It’s not everyone who’s doing the contests, but it’s a core group of friends. Everyone in the group, if you see them on the road, will be with one of the other guys-guaranteed. It’s the Hobgoods, Ben Bourgeois, Phil Watters, Gabe Kling, Asher Nolan, Jason Shibata and Fred Patacchia from Hawai’i, Bobby Martinez, Mike Todd, Mike Losness, Dave Pinto, Ross Garrett, and I.

So will you guys pick what trips you’ll go on and what contests you’ll go to? We’d like to. It’s always hard to get a group of people motivated on anything. It’s more just like our group of friends. We’d like to do stuff where we’d all stick together on certain issues. We’re all equal; there’s no one person above anybody else.

Do you guys throw any Union gang signs with your hands, or is there a certain color scheme you wear?No.

You’re not gonna run down the beach with a flag and wearing some Speedos?No, I was thinking about getting some umbrellas made for contests, but that’s down the line.

Can we look forward to a Union versus LMB contest? I don’t know, maybe sometime in the future. It’s not really to go head-to-head with anybody. It’s not our thing to go against them, it’s just doing our thing.

Is it a hidden response to your sponsors or the media not really supporting you guys as much as you want when you’re out there?Nobody really cares about the contests overseas, and this is a group of surfers who are gonna be on the ‘CT in five or six years, or who are already on the tour. We’re doing it on our own, and we’re gonna make it. We’re motivated, and if people aren’t stoked on it-fine. We’re gonna bring it home to them.

How does somebody become a member?It’s basically the group of friends.

So if I was a young kid, would I have to buddy up to you to become part of The Union?It’s not like that.

Is there an initiation rite where you beat someone in?No, there should be. We all started it together. We’re all good friends and like to compete. We’re not a bunch of pussies. We’re not just saying contests are bullshit or anything-we like contests, and we’re gonna win contests.

Is there gonna be a union of groupies who follow you around called The Unionettes?I hope so.

You gonna have cheerleaders?That’s not a bad idea.

The Voodoo DollInauthentic hexing.This voodoo doll isn’t really an authentic tool used in black-magic ceremonies-it isn’t even real-looking. There’re probably about 100,000 of these manufactured voodoo dolls all over the U.S. I gave this little doll to my six-year-old nephew, and ever since, my balls have been getting these sharp, piercing jolts that send me into a world of pain.I now cry uncontrollably, my hands itch, and my asshole feels like it’s going to fall out, so I’m not really skeptical anymore. The same goes for those “magic” eight balls. About a year ago, I asked if I’d be six feet tall sometime in the near future. It replied, “You wish, dumbass.”-J.M.

SI-5 Speaker GiveawayHow’d you like to win a set of one of the most badass mini-speaker systems in the world? Sure you would! The contest is simple: Send us a list of your top five CDs of all time. If we like the list, you win! (Actually, all the lists will be thrown in a bucket and chosen randomly.) Get ready to rock with the SI-5 speaker system! Send your response by October 9, 2001 to: “Badass Speakers” c/o TransWorld SURF353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

Artist Network ProgramConsumerism minus Satan.Rvca Clothing has teamed up with four popular “action-sports-type” artists to release a limited-edition line of T-shirts that’ll benefit some worthwhile charities. The shirts will feature original art by members of the Artist Network Program, whose roster currently includes Toy Machine’s Ed Templeton, Brandon Boyd from the band Incubus, well-known graffiti-artist Eklips, and Rvca co-owner Conan Hayes, who added that “Proceeds from all sales of each different design will go to a charity chosen by the artist who created it. It gives the artist an opportunity to choose a charity or organization in which he can give back through art.” Ed’s choice was the 509 Cultural Center, Brandon picked the Surfrider Foundation, Eklips chose the Boys & Girls Club of Venice, and proceeds from Conan’s shirt will go to Greenpeace. Doesn’t Rvca know that helping people in need is un-American?The shirts should be available now at your local surf/skate shops.-J.P.

Sea Doo Alternative CollectablesFantasy becomes reality with Sicktrix.How annoying are these bright, cumbersome machines? They stink up the lineups and are usually driven by some drunken river-trash who crashes into a jetty, resulting in funny footage on Real TV. Now I’m certain we’re entering the apocalypse, because you can buy miniature versions of this abhorred method of aquatic transportation. Just think: you’ll be able to perform mini tow-ins in your toilet or bathtub with your newest “big-wave surfer” action dolls.-A.S.

Mustaches For Every Day Of The WeekGo incognito forever!Haven’t you heard? Powerful, influential men have mustaches. It takes time to grow a mustache. Most girls can’t grow them, so maybe that’s why some women have never had sufficient positions in society. Some girls do have mustaches, though, and they’re scary-looking. The rural country of Gambia actually forces its women to grow mustaches on their faces for sexual purposes.Anyway, folks, check out these fake mustaches-one for every day of the week. These things work best for unfortunate souls who can’t grow substantial facial hair of their own. Don’t wear fake mustaches on any part of your body other than your face, it just won’t look right.-J.M.

The Umbrella HatLook out surf world, here it comes.When it comes to sporting events on TV, I find myself more and more entertained by the stupid spectators than the actual game itself. Whether it’s those shirtless dudes spelling out their team’s name in the cold, or the guy with the rainbow afro and the John 3:16 sign, I enjoy seeing the stupid things people do to get noticed. So when I came across the Umbrella Hat while shopping at the mall the other day, I couldn’t help feeling like I had just broken into the ranks of being a dumb spectator.Thanks to the Umbrella Hat, I’ll bust open the door of the cool surf world this summer as I show up at all the big contests wearing my new lid. While everyone will be showcasing their latest buys in sunglasses and company logos, I’ll be rocking the Umbrella Hat and showing them you don’t have to be cool to join the surf-contest scene. -A.C.

Sacrifice.It’s what you must do to get waves.

For the past 1,500 years or so, pagan gods have been sitting bored up in the sky (or down in the sea) due to the rise in people’s alternative worshiping practices. There’s simply no more drama. Haven’t you noticed the decrease in worldwide natural calamities in the past millennium?Anyway, top theologians and meteorologists have been collaborating in discussions regarding why the waves are so flat most of the time here in the States. I mean, our money has God’s stamp of approval on it as well as depictions of Roman architecture and people, so why in the heck don’t we have any waves? Sacrifice. We lack the practice of sacrificing goods to the gods of old. What we’re talking about here is sacrificing surf objects for waves, so don’t destroy your CD player in some drastic religious craze-you’ll only get better prices on music in return.What you have to do is sacrifice surf-related items, preferably surfboards. King Neptune will eat that shit up. Once he sees a flaming surfboard floating atop the water, he’ll get up off hiswaterlogged ass and start dancing around, which, in turn, creeates waves. If you don’t have a surfboard in close proximity, then do some smaller surf-related sacrifices. Here’s a list of four things to sacrifice if you ain’t got a board:

1. WaxLight this on fire and flush it down the toilet. Or you can even sail it down the rain gutter near your house. This will please Helios, the sun god.

2. TrunksWhile you’re driving, throw them out the window. The wind god Aeolus will see that and get stoked.

3. LeashesWhile in an overflowing bathtub, tie a surf leash around your younger sibling, then wait ’til one of your parents gets home-this will please the sea-monster Leviathan.

4. Wax combsTake about three or four wax combs to school. Spit on them and then leave them on your teacher’s desk. This will please you.

If you do indeed have a surfboard, don’t settle for these petty acts, do the real thing. If you’re dumb enough to sacrifice your board, tie yourself to the railing of the nearest lifeguard tower at 1:30 a.m. upside down. Then recite any passage from the Necronomicon-don’t say it backward because the words are already that way. Next have a friend douse the surfboard with flammable liquid, and ignite it. Send it out to sea, and before you know it, the cops will show up. You’ll be f-ked, or you’ll get waves. Either way, something’s bound to happen.-J.M.ently includes Toy Machine’s Ed Templeton, Brandon Boyd from the band Incubus, well-known graffiti-artist Eklips, and Rvca co-owner Conan Hayes, who added that “Proceeds from all sales of each different design will go to a charity chosen by the artist who created it. It gives the artist an opportunity to choose a charity or organization in which he can give back through art.” Ed’s choice was the 509 Cultural Center, Brandon picked the Surfrider Foundation, Eklips chose the Boys & Girls Club of Venice, and proceeds from Conan’s shirt will go to Greenpeace. Doesn’t Rvca know that helping people in need is un-American?The shirts should be available now at your local surf/skate shops.-J.P.

Sea Doo Alternative CollectablesFantasy becomes reality with Sicktrix.How annoying are these bright, cumbersome machines? They stink up the lineups and are usually driven by some drunken river-trash who crashes into a jetty, resulting in funny footage on Real TV. Now I’m certain we’re entering the apocalypse, because you can buy miniature versions of this abhorred method of aquatic transportation. Just think: you’ll be able to perform mini tow-ins in your toilet or bathtub with your newest “big-wave surfer” action dolls.-A.S.

Mustaches For Every Day Of The WeekGo incognito forever!Haven’t you heard? Powerful, influential men have mustaches. It takes time to grow a mustache. Most girls can’t grow them, so maybe that’s why some women have never had sufficient positions in society. Some girls do have mustaches, though, and they’re scary-looking. The rural country of Gambia actually forces its women to grow mustaches on their faces for sexual purposes.Anyway, folks, check out these fake mustaches-one for every day of the week. These things work best for unfortunate souls who can’t grow substantial facial hair of their own. Don’t wear fake mustaches on any part of your body other than your face, it just won’t look right.-J.M.

The Umbrella HatLook out surf world, here it comes.When it comes to sporting events on TV, I find myself more and more entertained by the stupid spectators than the actual game itself. Whether it’s those shirtless dudes spelling out their team’s name in the cold, or the guy with the rainbow afro and the John 3:16 sign, I enjoy seeing the stupid things people do to get noticed. So when I came across the Umbrella Hat while shopping at the mall the other day, I couldn’t help feeling like I had just broken into the ranks of being a dumb spectator.Thanks to the Umbrella Hat, I’ll bust open the door of the cool surf world this summer as I show up at all the big contests wearing my new lid. While everyone will be showcasing their latest buys in sunglasses and company logos, I’ll be rocking the Umbrella Hat and showing them you don’t have to be cool to join the surf-contest scene. -A.C.

Sacrifice.It’s what you must do to get waves.

For the past 1,500 years or so, pagan gods have been sitting bored up in the sky (or down in the sea) due to the rise in people’s alternative worshiping practices. There’s simply no more drama. Haven’t you noticed the decrease in worldwide natural calamities in the past millennium?Anyway, top theologians and meteorologists have been collaborating in discussions regarding why the waves are so flat most of the time here in the States. I mean, our money has God’s stamp of approval on it as well as depictions of Roman architecture and people, so why in the heck don’t we have any waves? Sacrifice. We lack the practice of sacrificing goods to the gods of old. What we’re talking about here is sacrificing surf objects for waves, so don’t destroy your CD player in some drastic religious craze-you’ll only get better prices on music in return.What you have to do is sacrifice surf-related items, preferably surfboards. King Neptune will eat that shit up. Once he sees a flaming surfboard floating atop the water, he’ll get up off hiswaterlogged ass and start dancing around, which, in turn, creates waves. If you don’t have a surfboard in close proximity, then do some smaller surf-related sacrifices. Here’s a list of four things to sacrifice if you ain’t got a board:

1. WaxLight this on fire and flush it down the toilet. Or you can even sail it down the rain gutter near your house. This will please Helios, the sun god.

2. TrunksWhile you’re driving, throw them out the window. The wind god Aeolus will see that and get stoked.

3. LeashesWhile in an overflowing bathtub, tie a surf leash around your younger sibling, then wait ’til one of your parents gets home-this will please the sea-monster Leviathan.

4. Wax combsTake about three or four wax combs to school. Spit on them and then leave them on your teacher’s desk. This will please you.

If you do indeed have a surfboard, don’t settle for these petty acts, do the real thing. If you’re dumb enough to sacrifice your board, tie yourself to the railing of the nearest lifeguard tower at 1:30 a.m. upside down. Then recite any passage from the Necronomicon-don’t say it backward because the words are already that way. Next have a friend douse the surfboard with flammable liquid, and ignite it. Send it out to sea, and before you know it, the cops will show up. You’ll be f-ked, or you’ll get waves. Either way, something’s bound to happen.-J.M.in turn, creates waves. If you don’t have a surfboard in close proximity, then do some smaller surf-related sacrifices. Here’s a list of four things to sacrifice if you ain’t got a board:

1. WaxLight this on fire and flush it down the toilet. Or you can even sail it down the rain gutter near your house. This will please Helios, the sun god.

2. TrunksWhile you’re driving, throw them out the window. The wind god Aeolus will see that and get stoked.

3. LeashesWhile in an overflowing bathtub, tie a surf leash around your younger sibling, then wait ’til one of your parents gets home-this will please the sea-monster Leviathan.

4. Wax combsTake about three or four wax combs to school. Spit on them and then leave them on your teacher’s desk. This will please you.

If you do indeed have a surfboard, don’t settle for these petty acts, do the real thing. If you’re dumb enough to sacrifice your board, tie yourself to the railing of the nearest lifeguard tower at 1:30 a.m. upside down. Then recite any passage from the Necronomicon-don’t say it backward because the words are already that way. Next have a friend douse the surfboard with flammable liquid, and ignite it. Send it out to sea, and before you know it, the cops will show up. You’ll be f-ked, or you’ll get waves. Either way, something’s bound to happen.-J.M.