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How To Get To Hawai’i To Surf The Big Waves On The North Shore

Winter surf for us is coming pretty soon here now. Yeah, we’ll be getting waves any day now. Yep, they’re coming soon. If you can’t wait for the killer swells to hit, then you might just have to go to Hawai’i. That’s where it’s really jammin’ all the time. Everyone’s cool¿like island-style, and everyone will share with you.

So how do you get there you ask? It’s easy, just work the streets in your hometown. Start slumming and scrounge money from people pulling out of store parking lots. Do performance art on the sidewalks with face paint, store brand drugs, and roadkill¿use your imagination. I’ve seen a guy crawl 300 feet through broken glass in his underwear for five bucks to get to Santa Cruz¿ dumb hippie, he could have used plastic.

People will do almost anything to get what they want, just look at David Koresh. Just think … you want to get to the North Shore, where Rick Kane learned the ropes to surfing the Banzai Pipeline. I mean shit, that should cost at least some bodily abuse¿some pain. You could be riding the crests right now!

Once you get there, make friends. It’s no problem, just talk pidgin. It’s easy to do. Make noises, mumble, and throw shakas. When you don’t know what to say, they’ll know what you mean. Tell them that you’re friends with “the Hooey,” they’ll understand. Get a “Got Jesus?” sticker and put it on your board … that’s cool. When you’re there, just act natural and feel free to ask the locals for a place to stay. They’ll be nice. Don’t worry, it’s going to be a great trip.¿J.M.

Winter Surf Fashion

I don’t know about you, but I’m so excited for the winter surf clothing lines to hit the stores. What’s going to be cool are the shorts and shirts with surfing pictures, barrels, and surfboards on them. What to wear during the week is vital, so listen here: Monday through Thursday wear shirts with surfing on them, and shorts if it’s hot. Wear those sandals with the straps all over them with socks, so as to avoid burns. Make sure to wear your shades in and out of the house. On Friday wear some trunks and a surfshirt. On Saturday, wear a shirt with surfers on it or a board. Wear skate shoes with no socks¿this is also cool.

The clothes at surf shops are priced really fair. I feel good when I get a seventy dollar pair of pants made from one of the cool brands. How do you know if the brand is cool? Duh, check out the surfers in their ads. Shirts with surfing on them can range from twenty to thirty dollars, which is rad. At school, the students will think you’re rebellious and original, and the teachers will be scared of you. Face it, surfers rule! And they’ve got the clothes to prove it.¿J.M.

Winning Heats, Throwing Fits, and Bro-ing Down

There we were, at the edge of the television screen watching the Bud Surf Tour, circa ’90 or ’91. Christian Fletcher flipped off the judges¿it was so cool, and so defiant!

“That’s how you surf contest, man” my friend said. Shortly thereafter, he was losing heats and getting in trouble with his parents, because he’d use his middle finger too much for dumb things like a cutback or paddling out.

Yeah, contests are really fun. There’s so much happening on a contest weekend, like people who surf, stickers, parents (who don’t even know how to carry a surfboard) coaching their kid before a heat. You name it, the contest site’s got it.

Let me advise you on how to handle winning your heat. If it comes as a shock, play it cool¿act like you knew it all along. Say something like, “I got it bagged, bitch.” or “Slow down, announcer guy. I’ll get my check as soon as you hand it over.” Yes, winning is the easy part in contests. Losing is not.

If you lose, you have to make it look like it’s not your fault. Point at your board repeatedly during the heat if you’re really sucking. Always, always ask the other competitors, “Do y have any wax? Man, I keep slipping.” When you hit the beach and the results come up, tell everyone, “It’s a typo. I really did better! You should have seen me yesterday! Wow, what a day,” or “I saw that judge at the Maiden concert last night getting wasted. He doesn’t know shit.” They’ll know what you mean¿trust me. If all else fails, yell profanities at the judges, the contestants, or even your own mother for giving birth to your loser body. Because if you do lose, every one knows losing is for losers, dude.

At the end of the day, cheer up, bro down, have a beer or a soda, and talk it over with your therapist. We’ve all been through it, buddy. Once I even sexually forced myself on a parking lot curb. So get over it! You lost, or you won, big deal. At least you don’t have gravel stuck in your dode.¿J.M.

Product Review: Johnny Lighting SurfrodsUltimate shredmobiles.

I think most people understand the purpose of cars, houses, surfboards, and other things that are fit to correct size for use. But what about these little vehicles? What’s the point here? Do you roll them around your office desk while on the phone? Do you place them on your home mantle? Do you look at them in wishful thinking, and if so, why?

Woodys are made out of wood. They’ll either rot and smell, or harbor weevils, termites, or for god sakes, maggots! They’re not strong cars. You look like a weiner in them. These little models are for children. They’re for people who listen to Dick Dale and still believe surfing’s an activity for rebels and individuals. Just buy one and add it to your collection¿it’ll be a good reminder of all the other things you’ve bought in your life that serves no purpose and are weighing you down spiritually.¿J.M.

The Ultimate DC Shoes Giveaway Win a year’s worth of kick-ass DC shoes!

Simply send a short paragragh explaining why DC Shoes are your favorite shoes on earth. Tell us why you would sell your own mother for a year’s worth of DC Shoes. Hurry up and be creative!

Send your entries by December 15, 2000 to: “Can I Have Those DC Shoes, Bro?” c/o TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

Cool Web Sites That Are Still In Business

www.consumptionjunction.com¿This site is full of funny-ass cartoons and games. It also has every sick picture that anyone’s ever e-mailed you. There’s cussing and some nudity, but not that much. This site is funny if you have a dirty sense of humor.

www.icebox.com¿Oh yeah, a new favorite. This site has great cartoon movies that are like five episodes long and hilarious. There’s lots of cussing, but it’s silly cussing so it doesn’t hurt your ears. Check out Mr. Wong.

www.smashingpumpkins.com¿This ass-kicking band really works on their Web site. They have a new album coming out that you can preview on their well-managed, much updated site.

www.maximumedge.com¿Use this Web site to learn funny phrases in any language. Simply type in any phrase, press enter, and try to say it. This site is very useful for learning cusswords in other languages.

www.h73.com¿A design site that has endless amounts of crazy art, stories, and photos. My design friend Justin Heit showed me this site and I felt more artistic the second I looked at it.

www.stonerrock.com¿Here’s a great site to find info on all your favorite stoner rock bands like Nebula, The Mystick Krewe Of Clearlight, Sixty Watt Shaman, Internal Void, Electric Wizard, and every other stoner band you can think of.

The “Rip Curl Loves You” GiveawayWin a video and a wetsuit.

The bros at Rip Curl are so stoked on their new movie they want to give you a copy of it for free! If you’re one of the first fifty people to send in a postcard you’ll get a copy of their new video called Super Computer.

Bonus Contest! One lucky winner will be picked at random to win a super duper, stitchless, Rip Curl fullsuit! Send entries by December 15, 2000 to: “I Love Rip Curl Because They Love Me” c/o TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

The Ezekiel GivawayDo some research and win!

Here’s an easy contest for someone to win. The Ezekiel crew just got back from filming their new movie on location in Indonesia. To win yourself a gaggle of Ezekiel gear, simply send in a list of all the surf stars set to apear in the new Ezekiel Movie, “The Calling” (Hint: There was an ad for this movie in one of our magazines). Send entries by December 15, 2000 to:

“The New Ezekiel Movie Is Rad” TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054by December 15, 2000 to: “I Love Rip Curl Because They Love Me” c/o TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

The Ezekiel GivawayDo some research and win!

Here’s an easy contest for someone to win. The Ezekiel crew just got back from filming their new movie on location in Indonesia. To win yourself a gaggle of Ezekiel gear, simply send in a list of all the surf stars set to apear in the new Ezekiel Movie, “The Calling” (Hint: There was an ad for this movie in one of our magazines). Send entries by December 15, 2000 to:

“The New Ezekiel Movie Is Rad” TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054