Word

Behind the Cover with Taylor Knox

Taylor Knox is a jock. That’s probably why we chose to spotlight him for the Jock Issue (Volume Two, Number Nine). We asked him a few questions about his cover shot and how it was to hang with his friends, The San Diego Padres, in the dugout of Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, California.

Where and when was that session?

That was a little three-day trip I took to Cabo with Chris Miller, Donavon Frankenreiter, and Matt Coleman. It was just a quick trip down to Cabo where you just jump on the plane the night before. It was so cool, because usually you get down there and it’s half of the size forcasters say it’s going to be¿but this time turned out to be a little bit bigger. We got the swell of the summer. It was three sessions, a day and a half of surfing and we were out of there.

Was that up in the bay at one of those unknown points?

It’s a fun little wave down there where you can get barreled, do a floater, do a cutback, do an air¿whatever you want to do. It’s not really a secret spot, but we don’t want to say anything.

How was it going down to Qualcomm Stadium to shoot the portraits with the Padres?

That was insane. We went down there for game time. I was kind of nervous, but the guys were really cool. They wanted to talk about surfing and they were totally into it. They gave me a uniform, and I was going to walk out there with my Adio shoes on, but Trevor Hoffman said, “Hey, hey, hey! You’re not gonna do this if you’re not going to do it right!” He gave me some guy’s hat, shoes, and a belt. So we went down and shot a few shots in the dugout. I think they were pretty stoked.

You had Tony Gwynn down there on one of the few times he suited up for the year.

Yeah. He almost looked like he was going to play that day. I didn’t get to rap with him about batting, but I know my swing needs work.

XYZ Clothing Giveaway

Okay, people. Here’s another no-brainer contest for you. All you have to do is name this famous skateboarder in a timely fashion. Here’re a few hints: It’s not Tony Hawk. This skateboarder made the infamous “helicopter drop” into a gigantic vert ramp originally built by the border of Mexico, and did it again most recently at the last MTV Sports and Music Festival in Las Vegas, Nevada. He also owns XYZ Clothing.

Send in your response via regular mail by February 6, 2001 to:

“XYZ Clothing Rules” c/o TransWorld SURF 353 Airport Road Oceanside, CA 92054

Santa Don’t Surf

He’s really a big, red jerk.

Everyone in Southern California knows that Santa is a big, stingy jerk. He never sends us waves. Last I heard, he was setting up residence in Temecula or some shit. Lord knows he never gives Florida anything¿they’d be lucky to get a swell from the ripples of a fat drunk fisherman who just fell off his boat into the ocean. Yep, if you know what you want for Christmas¿great. But if you were thinking about asking for waves¿don’t. Santa don’t surf, kids. Not at all. You know why? He’s extremely overweight, and he has an acute thyroid problem he’s been trying to shake for the last 1,000 years.

You can rearrange the letters in his first name to spell Satan, and his last to spell Scalu. Put them together and you have Satan Scalu. Well, the first name makes sense. We all know who that is. That’s the secret. He was never nice, always bossing around elves. There’re no waves at the North Pole, either.

The youth population of surfers knows not to ask Santa for waves unless you live somewhere besides the United States. Instead, we ask the all-powerful Bunyip¿it’ll answer your needs for surf. All you need to do is offer a sacrifice like an old board or homework. Burn them at midnight, and then chant with a group of three people or more. No problem. You’ll get waves, and if you don’t, either you screwed up the chant or submitted the wrong kind of board. Burning a brand-new one will get you kild by Bunyip. Either way, you defy Santa, and you please his counterpart. They’re always at war, you know.¿Josh McClure

Here’re Some More Cool Web Sites That Are Still In Business

www.giddymachine.com/pink/pink.html¿This site lets you choose the dance moves and the music as the Pink Panther. This site will take up about ten minutes of your time.

www.amused.com¿More and more super-duper funny-ass stuff that’ll make you laugh and laugh and laugh. Games, cartoons, links, you name it. This site will take up about twenty minutes of your time.

www.killfrog.com¿Weird and fun, this is another crazy site that has games, cartoons, songs, and all sorts of whacked-out stuff to keep you online for about twenty minutes.

www.macster.com¿This site is Napster’s baby brother, and it only works on Macintosh computers. You can download all your favorite music from your favorite groups. There’re usually some rare recordings on there, so check it out. The only downside is it might take a long time to download music if your computer is slow.

www.dlxsf.com¿This is Deluxe Skateboard Distribution’s Web site. It has everything you could ever want skateboard-wise, but the main feature was the “Kill The Rollerblader” game. You can destroy them and not get in trouble for it! This site will keep you interested for about fifteen minutes.

Surf SlangYes, More Bro-isms

Hasbro¿A bro who used to be cool, but isn’t anymore.Example: “Aaron used to be such a bro, but now he’s just a hasbro.”

Marshmellbro¿A bro that’s fat, as in overweight.Example: “Johnny’s my one big friend, you know, the marshmellbro.”

Sterebro¿Two bros who always hang out and talk like each other at the same time.Example: “Ryan and Matt are always together, they’re full-on sterebros.”

Camelbro¿When a wetsuit pulls your nutsack into something that resembles a camel’s toe.Example: “Don’t look at my nuts, man. I got camelbro!”

Yeabro¿A dude who answers every question with “Yeah, bro!”Example: “Don’t ask Beau anything. He’s such a yeabro, you can’t get a straight answer out of him.

Extra Santa Cruz Surf Slang

Lip-dodger¿When you decide to go around a section instead of hitting it. If you lip-dodge three sections in a row, you’re a triple lip-dodger.

Example: “That lip-dodger missed the tube his whole session. He’s going down in the lip-dodgers hall of fame!”

Tube-dodger¿You guessed it, dodging the tube instead of pulling inside.

Example: “It’s a good thing you’re a tube-dodger, you might’ve gotten into the green room.”

Throwing pizzas¿When you do a snap and throw your arms in the air to add some pizazz to your turn. Some contest surfers do it to get a higher score.

Example: “Hey, does that pro-bro work at Round Table? ‘Cause he’s throwing pizzas like no tomorrow.”

Tranny¿When someone new moves to your town, trys to set up shop, and gets in the way. Trannies can be called a number of things, such as New Guy, Your Boy, Shit Face, and much, much more.

Example: “Hey, Kemp. I think I need to go to Aamco. I’m having major tranny problems.”

Sandbag¿When the tide’s too high and you need to wait around for it to get good. To post up, chill, or hold out.

Example: “I know it’s good at Four Mile, but I’m gonna sandbag it at the Lane.”

Hair farmer¿Someone who hasn’t had a haircut in a fewyears. You know¿hippies, trolls, and such.

Example: “Before his big harvest, Gerr used to be such the hair farmer.”

Airplane wings¿Big ugly longboards, logs, hodads, or wingnuts.

Example: “Oh, my god. That hair farmer almost killed me with his airplane wing.”

Gidgets¿Surfer girls, chicks with sticks, or babes on boards.

Example: “What’s with all the Gidgets taking over the Point?”

Heads¿Bros, friends, or buddies.

Example: “I’m going down to Trestles to go surf with the TransWorld heads.”

Santa Cruz Chill Factor 101

It’s cold here. It’s always cold here. Have you ever had an ice-cream headache? In the winter, the water temperature is real cold, somewhere in between the high 40s and low 50s, not counting the windchill factor. And in the summertime, there’s no chance for trunks with the upwelling from the winds, it’s still in the 50s. If you haven’t surfed here and plan to, get ready for a shocker. It’s so cold that your performance level drops a notch. It takes a couple days for you to acclimate to the conditions. If you plan to come up and charge the wild surf at Mavericks, try to get up here a couple days before the swell so you can get tuned in. If not, go to the nearest 7Eleven, pick up a Slurpee, grab your skateboard, find the biggest hill in town, gulp down your Slurpee as fast as you can, and fully bomb that f¿king bad boy. Did I mention it’s cold here?¿Skindog

Need List:

Two cups of strong coffee before each sessionTwo 4/3 wetsuits (you need a dry one for back-to-back sessions)Booties, hood, and glovesA car with a working heaterTwo to three hot-water bottles to rinse off after a session (empty gallon milk jugs work best)One friend to turn the key to open your carOne photo of what your weenie and nards used to look like (this is so you can help your self-esteem after your privates shrivel up into three tiny little peanuts and crawl into your guts)

Don’t Fight Over Small Waves This WinterThere’s plenty of water to go around.

Okay, we all know fighting is cool, but if you’re going to fight, don’t let it be about two- to three-foot waves. If you’re going to duke it out, it should be about waves over eight feet, dames, or because the latest 98° CD came out. I once heard about a fight down at the beach near my house where a guy pooped on the sand and threw it at his enemy, hitting him right in the ear. Now that’s a fight!

Waves are pieces of moving water. Surfers ride on them. Usually there’re fights because someone stole someone else’s piece of water. This is stupid. Usually it’s fun to see people beat each other up over this, but if we’re trying to maintain a peaceful world, it’s your duty to stop this nonsense. Say, “Hey, everyone. Don’t fight. Let’s forget about this and find sand crabs,” or “Look, you two. Christina Aguilera stole a lot of hearts, but do you ever see her getting beat up?” This will calm them down. The truth will set them free.

My friends who live in Santa Barbara, California once beat the shit out of this jock-type guy who picked a fight with both of them in a bar, and you know that must’ve been hard. Hope he’s okay. So fighting over who has the biggest biceps, the best car, or over little-ass waves in the ocean just ain’t worth it.

But if you’ve been waiting almost twenty minutes for that set and someone paddles around you, then settle the score, get even, and bust the sucka’s chops. Who’s gonna be the enforcer? You may have to take a bite and get some.¿J.M.

What Young Surfers Want For ChristmasAsk and ye shall receive.

Remember your first Christmas? Remember what you got, and what you wanted? Back in the day, it was Barbies and G.I. Joes. Now it’s computer components and rad surf gear. If you’re a parent of a surf kid and you’re reading this, listen close. No more video games and socks! Your surf kid needs a leash, a new stick, and a wetsuit. It’s not that much¿it may cost you about a grand, but who cares? Money grows on trees. We’ve all seen you pick up your little surf turds at the beach in your 4-Runners and big expensive “mommy vans.” Yep, Christmas isn’t just the time of year when the suicide rate is at it’s highest¿it’s also bigger than the birth of Christ for commerce.

Go buy a ton of useless crap. It’ll make you happy. Go to church in your new khakis and surf on your new bad gear. It’s so easy, dude. Just go into the local surf shop and ask a sales counselor. They’ll be glad to help. Tell them you have a grand to spend, and you’ll be set.

Moms, your little salways cold here. Have you ever had an ice-cream headache? In the winter, the water temperature is real cold, somewhere in between the high 40s and low 50s, not counting the windchill factor. And in the summertime, there’s no chance for trunks with the upwelling from the winds, it’s still in the 50s. If you haven’t surfed here and plan to, get ready for a shocker. It’s so cold that your performance level drops a notch. It takes a couple days for you to acclimate to the conditions. If you plan to come up and charge the wild surf at Mavericks, try to get up here a couple days before the swell so you can get tuned in. If not, go to the nearest 7Eleven, pick up a Slurpee, grab your skateboard, find the biggest hill in town, gulp down your Slurpee as fast as you can, and fully bomb that f¿king bad boy. Did I mention it’s cold here?¿Skindog

Need List:

Two cups of strong coffee before each sessionTwo 4/3 wetsuits (you need a dry one for back-to-back sessions)Booties, hood, and glovesA car with a working heaterTwo to three hot-water bottles to rinse off after a session (empty gallon milk jugs work best)One friend to turn the key to open your carOne photo of what your weenie and nards used to look like (this is so you can help your self-esteem after your privates shrivel up into three tiny little peanuts and crawl into your guts)

Don’t Fight Over Small Waves This WinterThere’s plenty of water to go around.

Okay, we all know fighting is cool, but if you’re going to fight, don’t let it be about two- to three-foot waves. If you’re going to duke it out, it should be about waves over eight feet, dames, or because the latest 98° CD came out. I once heard about a fight down at the beach near my house where a guy pooped on the sand and threw it at his enemy, hitting him right in the ear. Now that’s a fight!

Waves are pieces of moving water. Surfers ride on them. Usually there’re fights because someone stole someone else’s piece of water. This is stupid. Usually it’s fun to see people beat each other up over this, but if we’re trying to maintain a peaceful world, it’s your duty to stop this nonsense. Say, “Hey, everyone. Don’t fight. Let’s forget about this and find sand crabs,” or “Look, you two. Christina Aguilera stole a lot of hearts, but do you ever see her getting beat up?” This will calm them down. The truth will set them free.

My friends who live in Santa Barbara, California once beat the shit out of this jock-type guy who picked a fight with both of them in a bar, and you know that must’ve been hard. Hope he’s okay. So fighting over who has the biggest biceps, the best car, or over little-ass waves in the ocean just ain’t worth it.

But if you’ve been waiting almost twenty minutes for that set and someone paddles around you, then settle the score, get even, and bust the sucka’s chops. Who’s gonna be the enforcer? You may have to take a bite and get some.¿J.M.

What Young Surfers Want For ChristmasAsk and ye shall receive.

Remember your first Christmas? Remember what you got, and what you wanted? Back in the day, it was Barbies and G.I. Joes. Now it’s computer components and rad surf gear. If you’re a parent of a surf kid and you’re reading this, listen close. No more video games and socks! Your surf kid needs a leash, a new stick, and a wetsuit. It’s not that much¿it may cost you about a grand, but who cares? Money grows on trees. We’ve all seen you pick up your little surf turds at the beach in your 4-Runners and big expensive “mommy vans.” Yep, Christmas isn’t just the time of year when the suicide rate is at it’s highest¿it’s also bigger than the birth of Christ for commerce.

Go buy a ton of useless crap. It’ll make you happy. Go to church in your new khakis and surf on your new bad gear. It’s so easy, dude. Just go into the local surf shop and ask a sales counselor. They’ll be glad to help. Tell them you have a grand to spend, and you’ll be set.

Moms, your little surfin’ turd wants it all. Who cares about the actual waves themselves? They just need to look like they know what’s going on. I once saw this kid with an older-looking board with an old wax job, and I knew he wasn’t cool. So don’t let it happen. Get your kids what they need, put your foot down, and demand power. Go to the store and buy the flavor¿taste it, it’s so good.¿J.M.

How To Lessen The Chance Of A Shark Attack

You know, sharks don’t even like blood. They can’t smell it from far away. Gimme a break. You can’t smell things in the water, duh! Have you ever seen how small their noses are? So here’s how to avoid an attack. It’s so easy, you’ll be surprised.

First, don’t panic. When you see one, pretend you’re just minding your own business. They won’t care. They’re ugly creatures who need attention. To be completely safe, tie a dead cow head to your leash. This will totally throw them off. They’ll say to themselves, “What the hell is this guy doing with a dead cow head on his leg?” But I warn you, you can never be too sure.

To be on the safe side, hum a tune to yourself, specifically anything by Tesla or C And C Music Factory. Most creatures in the animal kingdom have good taste, so once they realize you’re a total dweeb, they’ll know you taste really bad. If you’re not famous or good looking, you might as well kiss your sweet ass goodbye. Have you ever seen reports of someone famous being eaten by a shark? No. Pictures of shark-attack victims show they’re always ugly. Sharks know better. There’d be a full-fledged shark hunt the second they tried to nibble on Brad Pitt’s pinkie toe. Sharks aren’t stupid¿they like to eat kids because they know their meat is more tender.

Sharks never get caught. Do you ever see them getting arrested? No. So be careful. Don’t be an idiot, put on a mask of someone famous or attractive, and then go surf. You’re going to be okay. It’s safe.¿J.M.

Recent Contest WinnersWe love to give stuff away!

The winner of the World Industries hookup is bowl-slasher, counselor, dad, bro, Larry Schmidt (a.k.a. Meatface). Good job, Meatface. You’d better represent this World gear with some serious grinds through the bowl corners. Here’s his letter and photo:

Dear TransWorld SURF,Enclosed is a photo of me skating last month at Woodward Skate Camp. I’m 31 and was there for a week as a Mini-Dad counselor with my seven-year-old son, who was skateboarding as well. While I had certain duties as a counselor, I was able to squeeze in four to five hours of riding each day.

Anyway, I figured there wouldn’t be too many old-school submissions for the World goods, and if you guys appreciate soul and are anti-longboard, this old-school frontside grind in the bowl might spark your interest. Skating for me is simply a way to surf when there aren’t any waves¿any kook can ollie or kickflip. With approximately 200 skaters in one place for the entire week, there wasn’t enough grinding going on.

Larry Schmidt (a.k.a. Meatface)Spring Lake, New Jersey

Tough Question?The winner of the Hawk shoes giveaway.

The winner of the hardest TWS contest ever is Zaki Bemaissa. We asked what move Tony Hawk did at the ’99 X-Games, or something like that. We forgot exactly what we asked, but the answer was definitely the 900 skateboard trick. Everybody got it right, but we’ve never given anything to anyone from Quebec, so here you go, Zaki. Do some 900s on a vert ramp, you wuss.

It’s True, Brendan Is A PileThe winner of the “Design A Spy Optics T-shirt” contest.

My friend Brendan ditched his job, came into our office, and picked a winner for the Spy contest. He hung out for a while, and we shot the shit. We found out he’s a really cool guy, which is weird because we used to think he was a dumbass. Anyway, the winner is Luciana Zermeno from Guadalajara, Mexico. Good for you, Luciana. Here’s her design for Spy:

The Psychogear.com T-shirtGet Psycho!

Okay, I’ll admit it¿I’m a puss. I’ve never been in a fight, I don’t charge, I have a high-pitched voice, and I’m definitely not aggressive. Thanks to this new Psychogear.com shirt, though, my life changed the instant I put it on. Take yesterday for example: After powdering my Coco Pufffs with steroids in the morning, I put aside my 5/3 fullsuit, opted for my Speedo, and tied the shirt up like a jersey. I was also pulling into every psycho tube I could, snaking everyone¿even Sherman, the local heavy. Then, after telling everyone at work what I really think of them, I went to the gym and made super deep groans on the bench press. As for that night, I tucked my new Psychogear.com shirt into my tight jeans, went to the local club, and proceeded to freak every female in the house¿the ladies were digging me (or was it my shirt?). Anyway, I kicked ass that day, and the new Psychogear.com shirt was the reason. F¿k yeah! ¿A.C.

Young Surfer Harassment Files

Recently, TransWorld SURF’s photog Eric Blackhurst went down to Puerto Escondido with Kalani Briley, Ezra Sitt, Taj Tucker, Jamie Sterling, Sean Taylor, and Josh Montgomery. Being that Josh is only five feet tall and 93 pounds, he became the target of abuse in a group of some pretty big abusers. Feel his pain.¿A.C.

What was it like getting abused down there?

It sucked, there were too many of them. They all beat me up.

Are you going to drink lots of milk, eat chicken, get all big, and beat them up later?

Yeah. I’m going to get really big in about five years and just pound all of them.

Who are you going to take all of your anger out on?

Mainly Taj Tucker.

Why? Because Taj was being a punk?

Yeah.

What did they do to you that night?

They taped me up and took me to the roof. I was taped to this chair. They carried me up a flight of stairs, and I couldn’t fit because the chair was too wide, so they dragged my head across the roof. We got up to the stairs and there was rain and lightning. They started hitting me, and they put yogurt all over me. They stuck yogurt in my nose and in my ear.

Did the tape hurt when you tore it off?

No, it wasn’t bad. It was that orange tape.

What are you going to do to Taj when you get a hold of him?

I’m still planning that. I’m going to make sure it’s real good, though.in’ turd wants it all. Who cares about the actual waves themselves? They just need to look like they know what’s going on. I once saw this kid with an older-looking board with an old wax job, and I knew he wasn’t cool. So don’t let it happen. Get your kids what they need, put your foot down, and demand power. Go to the store and buy the flavor¿taste it, it’s so good.¿J.M.

How To Lessen The Chance Of A Shark Attack

You know, sharks don’t even like blood. They can’t smell it from far away. Gimme a break. You can’t smell things in the water, duh! Have you ever seen how small their noses are? So here’s how to avoid an attack. It’s so easy, you’ll be surprised.

First, don’t panic. When you see one, pretend you’re just minding your own business. They won’t care. They’re ugly creatures who need attention. To be completely safe, tie a dead cow head to your leash. This will totally throw them off. They’ll say to themselves, “What the hell is this guy doing with a dead cow head on his leg?” But I warn you, you can never be too sure.

To be on the safe side, hum a tune to yourself, specifically anything by Tesla or C And C Music Factory. Most creatures in the animal kingdom have good taste, so once they realize you’re a total dweeb, they’ll know you taste really bad. If you’re not famous or good looking, you might as well kiss your sweet ass goodbye. Have you ever seen reports of someone famous being eaten by a shark? No. Pictures of shark-attack victims show they’re always ugly. Sharks know better. There’d be a full-fledged shark hunt the second they tried to nibble on Brad Pitt’s pinkie toe. Sharks aren’t stupid¿they like to eat kids because they know their meat is more tender.

Sharks never get caught. Do you ever see them getting arrested? No. So be careful. Don’t be an idiot, put on a mask of someone famous or attractive, and then go surf. You’re going to be okay. It’s safe.¿J.M.

Recent Contest WinnersWe love to give stuff away!

The winner of the World Industries hookup is bowl-slasher, counselor, dad, bro, Larry Schmidt (a.k.a. Meatface). Good job, Meatface. You’d better represent this World gear with some serious grinds through the bowl corners. Here’s his letter and photo:

Dear TransWorld SURF,Enclosed is a photo of me skating last month at Woodward Skate Camp. I’m 31 and was there for a week as a Mini-Dad counselor with my seven-year-old son, who was skateboarding as well. While I had certain duties as a counselor, I was able to squeeze in four to five hours of riding each day.

Anyway, I figured there wouldn’t be too many old-school submissions for the World goods, and if you guys appreciate soul and are anti-longboard, this old-school frontside grind in the bowl might spark your interest. Skating for me is simply a way to surf when there aren’t any waves¿any kook can ollie or kickflip. With approximately 200 skaters in one place for the entire week, there wasn’t enough grinding going on.

Larry Schmidt (a.k.a. Meatface)Spring Lake, New Jersey

Tough Question?The winner of the Hawk shoes giveaway.

The winner of the hardest TWS contest ever is Zaki Bemaissa. We asked what move Tony Hawk did at the ’99 X-Games, or something like that. We forgot exactly what we asked, but the answer was definitely the 900 skateboard trick. Everybody got it right, but we’ve never given anything to anyone from Quebec, so here you go, Zaki. Do some 900s on a vert ramp, you wuss.

It’s True, Brendan Is A PileThe winner of the “Design A Spy Optics T-shirt” contest.

My friend Brendan ditched his job, came into our office, and picked a winner for the Spy contest. He hung out for a while, and we shot the shit. We found out he’s a really cool guy, which is weird because we used to think he was a dumbass. Anyway, the winner is Luciana Zermeno from Guadalajara, Mexico. Good for you, Luciana. Here’s her design for Spy:

The Psychogear.com T-shirtGet Psycho!

Okay, I’ll admit it¿I’m a puss. I’ve never been in a fight, I don’t charge, I have a high-pitched voice, and I’m definitely not aggressive. Thanks to this new Psychogear.com shirt, though, my life changed the instant I put it on. Take yesterday for example: After powdering my Coco Puffs with steroids in the morning, I put aside my 5/3 fullsuit, opted for my Speedo, and tied the shirt up like a jersey. I was also pulling into every psycho tube I could, snaking everyone¿even Sherman, the local heavy. Then, after telling everyone at work what I really think of them, I went to the gym and made super deep groans on the bench press. As for that night, I tucked my new Psychogear.com shirt into my tight jeans, went to the local club, and proceeded to freak every female in the house¿the ladies were digging me (or was it my shirt?). Anyway, I kicked ass that day, and the new Psychogear.com shirt was the reason. F¿k yeah! ¿A.C.

Young Surfer Harassment Files

Recently, TransWorld SURF’s photog Eric Blackhurst went down to Puerto Escondido with Kalani Briley, Ezra Sitt, Taj Tucker, Jamie Sterling, Sean Taylor, and Josh Montgomery. Being that Josh is only five feet tall and 93 pounds, he became the target of abuse in a group of some pretty big abusers. Feel his pain.¿A.C.

What was it like getting abused down there?

It sucked, there were too many of them. They all beat me up.

Are you going to drink lots of milk, eat chicken, get all big, and beat them up later?

Yeah. I’m going to get really big in about five years and just pound all of them.

Who are you going to take all of your anger out on?

Mainly Taj Tucker.

Why? Because Taj was being a punk?

Yeah.

What did they do to you that night?

They taped me up and took me to the roof. I was taped to this chair. They carried me up a flight of stairs, and I couldn’t fit because the chair was too wide, so they dragged my head across the roof. We got up to the stairs and there was rain and lightning. They started hitting me, and they put yogurt all over me. They stuck yogurt in my nose and in my ear.

Did the tape hurt when you tore it off?

No, it wasn’t bad. It was that orange tape.

What are you going to do to Taj when you get a hold of him?

I’m still planning that. I’m going to make sure it’s real good, though. it¿I’m a puss. I’ve never been in a fight, I don’t charge, I have a high-pitched voice, and I’m definitely not aggressive. Thanks to this new Psychogear.com shirt, though, my life changed the instant I put it on. Take yesterday for example: After powdering my Coco Puffs with steroids in the morning, I put aside my 5/3 fullsuit, opted for my Speedo, and tied the shirt up like a jersey. I was also pulling into every psycho tube I could, snaking everyone¿even Sherman, the local heavy. Then, after telling everyone at work what I really think of them, I went to the gym and made super deep groans on the bench press. As for that night, I tucked my new Psychogear.com shirt into my tight jeans, went to the local club, and proceeded to freak every female in the house¿the ladies were digging me (or was it my shirt?). Anyway, I kicked ass that day, and the new Psychogear.com shirt was the reason. F¿k yeah! ¿A.C.

Young Surfer Harassment Files

Recently, TransWorld SURF’s photog Eric Blackhurst went down to Puerto Escondido with Kalani Briley, Ezra Sitt, Taj Tucker, Jamie Sterling, Sean Taylor, and Josh Montgomery. Being that Josh is only five feet tall and 93 pounds, he became the target of abuse in a group of some pretty big abusers. Feel his pain.¿A.C.

What was it like getting abused down there?

It sucked, there were too many of them. They all beat me up.

Are you going to drink lots of milk, eat chicken, get all big, and beat them up later?

Yeah. I’m going to get really big in about five years and just pound all of them.

Who are you going to take all of your anger out on?

Mainly Taj Tucker.

Why? Because Taj was being a punk?

Yeah.

What did they do to you that night?

They taped me up and took me to the roof. I was taped to this chair. They carried me up a flight of stairs, and I couldn’t fit because the chair was too wide, so they dragged my head across the roof. We got up to the stairs and there was rain and lightning. They started hitting me, and they put yogurt all over me. They stuck yogurt in my nose and in my ear.

Did the tape hurt when you tore it off?

No, it wasn’t bad. It was that orange tape.

What are you going to do to Taj when you get a hold of him?

I’m still planning that. I’m going to make sure it’s real good, though.