Word

Blow These Up When You Blow Up

The whip-ass air gloves are perfect for both couples and siblings. If you and your lady are at each other’s throats¿slide your fists into these and bash the hell out of each other. All that can happen are a few laughs and some cool make-up make-out sessions. Parents: Need a way to end a fight between your kids? Use the air gloves¿no blood and no fat lips, just pure aggressive fun.

Surf Slang

Felchy: When something is kind of shitty.
Example: “Dude, I was out at Steep And Hollow’s and the waves were so felchy.”

The Peaking Gopher: When you’re surfing and you think you’re just farting, but a small nub starts to escape.
Example: “Checkwood thought he had to fart, but he actually had a severe peaking gopher.”

Baby Photo: Another term for male organ shrinkage after a cold water sesh.
Example: “Dude! Check me out! Full-on baby photo.”

All Timer’s Disease: When someone says it’s “all time” all the time.
Example: “You must have All Timer’s disease, because Shitpeak was wack yesterday.”

Wetsuit Envy: When someone else’s wetsuit fits and looks better than yours.
Example: “Brendan’s suit is so tight, I get full on wetsuit envy every time I see him in it.”

Throwing Heat: Another term for ripping.
Example: “You shoulda watched me surf yesterday, I was throwing heat, bro.”

Depth Charge: Dropping a poop in the water.
Example: “Watch out, little fishies. I just dropped a stinky-ass depth charge.”

Broken-Arm Style: When someone surfs with their arm all broken looking.
Example: “Yeah. Billy’s good, but he’s got a broken-arm style.”

Bitter Boarder: A tough-guy body boarder who hates surfers.
Example: “Off The Wall was full of bitter boarders all winter.”

Tail Shred: When someone tries an air, but the tail stays in the water.
Example: “Dude, that was a weak attempt at an air. Looked like a full tail shred to me, bro.”

Summer Plans

When your local beach is infested with Speedo-wearing tourists, and your shoes are extra stinky, you know it’s everyone’s favorite time of the year. Summer means no school, backyard barbeques, and less clothing for everyone. All day binge-drinking is perfectly normal, and getting a tan is a legitimate summer job. Read on to find out what Mimi The Intern and some surfers will be up to over the next few months.

Jamie O’Brien (Jamie’s dad, Mick, gave us the goods on what he’s up to this summer.)
“You’ll find Jamie shooting footage at Point Mugu before and after contests he’s doing on the mainland. He’ll be in Cali for the U.S. Open and on the East Coast this year rather than his usual schedule of warm-water excursions. He’s also going on a Search trip with the Rip Curl crew. Word has it that Jamie almost broke his other leg at the NSSA regionals at Turtle Bay. If you don’t see this hellion in the lineup, look again¿he’s dyed his hair black and isn’t getting recognized much lately.”

Bruce Irons
“I’m going to Tahiti, then Indo for the Op contest. I’m going to try to win that¿first place is 65,000 dollars! After that, I’m home for a while before I go to Huntington Beach for the U.S. Open. Then I’m going to France, the East Coast, and back to Europe. By that time, it should be September¿lots of traveling. In between, I’ll be relaxing and surfing every day at home so I don’t get too burnt.”

Ben Brough
“I’m doing art shows up and down the California coast and in Europe. I’m going to wear Volcom surf trunks all day long every day. I’ll also be going home to Hawai’i to see my family and be real lazy.”

Tyler Smith
“I’m going to Chile in May, then Indo in June. Hopefully, I’ll close it off with another warm-water destination¿that’d be great.”

Sean Briley
“I’ll be doing tailslides at Trestles all summer. Don’t trip¿please take my photo.”

Donovan Frankenreiter
“I’m touring with Sunchild this summer and working on the new Realm video, Curren for President. I’ll bgoing on a lot of surf trips with Tom. He’s recording a solo CD that should be out this summer. I heard it in Australia, it’s really good.”

Kyle Garson
“I want to be the first surfer ever to win the world title with zero qualification points.”

Brad Gerlach
“I’m looking forward to throwing some day parties with live music at my new place¿generally just enjoying life. Lately I’ve been into gardening¿it’s so zen. I love feeling the plants. I organized my house with feng shui recently, too. The only problem is now I never want to leave my house.”

Mimi The Intern
“I’m heading to Milan for a photo shoot, then I’ll be off to New York. In the meantime, I’ll be catching up on my fan mail at TransWorld SURF.”

Mike Todd
“I’ll be on tour after the U.S. Open in Huntington Beach. I’m going to South Africa and Europe. Other than that, I don’t have many cool things to do.”

Peter Labrador
“I’m going to go nuts on a lot of trips this summer and hopefully get barreled. I’m also going to my sister’s graduation party, and getting crazy on the Fourth of July in Newport.”

Sean Slater
“I’ve been wondering what it would be like to grow a real nice unibrow this summer to protect me from the hot Florida sun. Seriously though, there’s a huge swamp-cabbage convention in the Everglades I’ll be attending between surf excursions.”

Jason “Ratboy” Collins
“I’m going to be fishing all summer¿I just got a new boat. The highlight of my summer will probably be the Nias contest in Indo.”

Phillip Watters
“I’ll be hanging out in Newport Beach at 54th Street, working on my tan.”

Bron Huessenstam
“I’m going to be surfing a lot and looking for girls on the beach. That’s the best summer activity I can think of! But I say that every year, so maybe this’ll be my lucky year. As far as trips go, I’m pretty open after Huntington Beach. I’m planing on doing some WQS contests in Europe.”

Todd Holland
“I’m going to build an addition to my house. I’m also going to learn how to do aerials.”

How To Pick Up On Babes This Summer
By Josh McClure

1. Carry a surfboard down to the beach, preferably anything under six-five.

2. Find a babe, and then plant your board in the sand tail first¿facing the both of you. Never put your board nose first, because the logos will be upside down.

3. Check the waves with your right or left hand, depending on which side of you she’s sitting on. If she’s sitting to your left, check with your right hand so she can see your face, and then slightly flex your right bicep. This will let her know you’re serious and that you work out.

4. Turn to her and say, “How’s it goin’?” or “What up?” usually the latter is more effective. After you’ve greeted one another (if she’s responsive, and if you’ve followed the earlier steps there’s no going wrong), tell her about your recent surfing contest results. If none, lie.

5. Ask her to rub some sunscreen on your back. As she does this, comment on her smile. Finally, as she pulls away, look at your watch and say, “Oh, gotta go. But maybe I could call you sometime.”

6. When she gives you her phone number, write it in the wax on top of your board and say something like “Catch you later” or “Rad.” As you walk away, throw a shaka and go down the beach to do it all over again. By the end of the day (with this procedure), you’ll have tons of hot babes’ phone numbers. Guaranteed.

A Warning Advisory For Summer
Be all you can be in the summertime.

Summer’s coming, so go get your coolest pair of sunglasses and your favorite tank top, because it’s gonna be a season full of thrills, wild parties, half-naked people, radical surf moves, and wait, no, not really. Sorry, most of us here in California know that summer waves are not that great, your favorite tank top is ripped, and the most radical surfing moves you’ll see most often are “butt barrels” and “Huntington hops.”
Yes, there’ll be parties, but not wild ones, unless you think bored drunk guys trying desperately to make it with everything with boobs is a “wild” party. There’ll be half-naked people all over the beaches, so be prepared. You should make sure that when you enter the beach zone you look “bitchen.” I advise you to be fashion conscious¿don’t just schlep down to the ocean with your sandals and T-shirt. There are all sorts of people looking, so make a statement and be different. You’ll need tight clothes, especially shorts and tank tops. Who’s going to check you out if you’re not sporting the “look”? The “look” requires the right ear pierced with a dangling crucifix¿if not an earring, then get a big necklace and a 10/90 haircut¿short on top, long in back.
Just in case, carry fireworks. Light them if no one is paying attention to you. Get tapes, CDs¿anything by Billy Ocean and early Rod Stewart. Torque it with your ghetto blaster and you’ll have admirers all over the beach. Be careful, because you might have to sign autographs when you’re mistaken for a movie star. And girls¿wear whatever. Just make sure that you’re seen with characters like these. It’ll boost your reputation. Guys, if you can’t pull this off, then don’t even go to the beach this summer, because you’ll be wasting your time. Everyone who’s somebody will be pulling this shit off, and the nobodies will be at home bummin’ out.¿J.M.

Dear Mimi Letters

I CAN’T GET MY HAIR TO LOOK LIKE I RIP
Dear Mimi,
I had an afro for about three years total, and I went surfing in Kaua’i in the Hawai’ian chain. My hair got really clean and turned into dreads when I didn’t wash it after that, or comb it, either. Then I shaved it off a month ago. I want dreads again, what do I do?

Evan Mertens
Costa Mesa, California

Dear Evan,
Do me a favor, grow real dreads, not those wussy-ass white-boy dreads like Tommy Lee has. He used to be so cool when he was in Mötley Crüe, what happened?

JOCK THIS
Dear Mimi,
I’m so stoked that TransWorld SURF has found a woman as beautiful as you for their staff. Anyway, I’d like to let you know why I’m writing. Now, I’m not one of those guys who has problems talking to or getting girls¿but this situation is an exception. There’s this girl at my school, and she’s gorgeous, the finest girl I’ve seen who still goes to school. Normally I’d just do what I usually do, but it’s not like that. You see, I’m a freshman, and she’s a junior. And her boyfriend is the big senior varsity football star. I tried to talk to her once, but he saw me and went haywire. Any tips on wining her over from this jerk, I mean jock?Needy Grom
Cypress, California

Dear Needy Grom,
You have two choices: The first is to challenge this big jerk-off to a fight. You’ll most likely get your ass handed to you, but then maybe you’ll get the sympathy vote. Your other choice is to be a romantic-artsy type. Send her love letters and flowers. Do all the things for her that he doesn’t.

BREAKIN’ UP IS HARD TO DO
Dear Mimi,
My name is Michael, and I’m from Tennessee but originally from Chicago, Illinois. I am a SWM, 21 years old, working, and trying to make the best of life. You know how people say “live and learn”? Well, when I was eighteen, I met a girl over the Internet, of all places. We talked for a long time and visited each other. Next thing I know we had a child together. Things didn’t work out, and she moved out with another guy. After that I met the only true love of my life¿I mean total devotion, loyalty, just pure love. Her parents were super overprotective and she was a mommy’s girl, so she eventually left me with total pain and pure heartbreak. It’s been over a year, and I still feel hurt. I just want to meet a girl who’ll treat me the same way as I would treat her: respect, trust, love, etc. Is it me? I’m a great guy with big goals in life. Tell me where I’ve gone wrong.

Michael Zafron
Nashville, Tennessee unless you think bored drunk guys trying desperately to make it with everything with boobs is a “wild” party. There’ll be half-naked people all over the beaches, so be prepared. You should make sure that when you enter the beach zone you look “bitchen.” I advise you to be fashion conscious¿don’t just schlep down to the ocean with your sandals and T-shirt. There are all sorts of people looking, so make a statement and be different. You’ll need tight clothes, especially shorts and tank tops. Who’s going to check you out if you’re not sporting the “look”? The “look” requires the right ear pierced with a dangling crucifix¿if not an earring, then get a big necklace and a 10/90 haircut¿short on top, long in back.
Just in case, carry fireworks. Light them if no one is paying attention to you. Get tapes, CDs¿anything by Billy Ocean and early Rod Stewart. Torque it with your ghetto blaster and you’ll have admirers all over the beach. Be careful, because you might have to sign autographs when you’re mistaken for a movie star. And girls¿wear whatever. Just make sure that you’re seen with characters like these. It’ll boost your reputation. Guys, if you can’t pull this off, then don’t even go to the beach this summer, because you’ll be wasting your time. Everyone who’s somebody will be pulling this shit off, and the nobodies will be at home bummin’ out.¿J.M.

Dear Mimi Letters

I CAN’T GET MY HAIR TO LOOK LIKE I RIP
Dear Mimi,
I had an afro for about three years total, and I went surfing in Kaua’i in the Hawai’ian chain. My hair got really clean and turned into dreads when I didn’t wash it after that, or comb it, either. Then I shaved it off a month ago. I want dreads again, what do I do?

Evan Mertens
Costa Mesa, California

Dear Evan,
Do me a favor, grow real dreads, not those wussy-ass white-boy dreads like Tommy Lee has. He used to be so cool when he was in Mötley Crüe, what happened?

JOCK THIS
Dear Mimi,
I’m so stoked that TransWorld SURF has found a woman as beautiful as you for their staff. Anyway, I’d like to let you know why I’m writing. Now, I’m not one of those guys who has problems talking to or getting girls¿but this situation is an exception. There’s this girl at my school, and she’s gorgeous, the finest girl I’ve seen who still goes to school. Normally I’d just do what I usually do, but it’s not like that. You see, I’m a freshman, and she’s a junior. And her boyfriend is the big senior varsity football star. I tried to talk to her once, but he saw me and went haywire. Any tips on wining her over from this jerk, I mean jock?Needy Grom
Cypress, California

Dear Needy Grom,
You have two choices: The first is to challenge this big jerk-off to a fight. You’ll most likely get your ass handed to you, but then maybe you’ll get the sympathy vote. Your other choice is to be a romantic-artsy type. Send her love letters and flowers. Do all the things for her that he doesn’t.

BREAKIN’ UP IS HARD TO DO
Dear Mimi,
My name is Michael, and I’m from Tennessee but originally from Chicago, Illinois. I am a SWM, 21 years old, working, and trying to make the best of life. You know how people say “live and learn”? Well, when I was eighteen, I met a girl over the Internet, of all places. We talked for a long time and visited each other. Next thing I know we had a child together. Things didn’t work out, and she moved out with another guy. After that I met the only true love of my life¿I mean total devotion, loyalty, just pure love. Her parents were super overprotective and she was a mommy’s girl, so she eventually left me with total pain and pure heartbreak. It’s been over a year, and I still feel hurt. I just want to meet a girl who’ll treat me the same way as I would treat her: respect, trust, love, etc. Is it me? I’m a great guy with big goals in life. Tell me where I’ve gone wrong.

Michael Zafron
Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Michael,
It’s not you! You actually sound like a cool guy. Maybe you haven’t met that one special person to share your life with. Trust me, you can’t live in the past, so you have to look forward. Contrary to popular belief, most girls like nice guys. Be yourself, and the ladies will follow.

PROM KING
Dearest Mimi,
I have my school prom coming up, and I have no date. I would ask you, but you’re way out of my league. Do you have any ideas on a good way to ask a girl to prom?

James Lynch
Cambria, California

James,
Good question. One thing that always works is to publicly humiliate the girl you want to ask. Maybe paint the proposal on your chest and streak through your school. Or you could spell it out in chalk on the football field. Better yet, walk up and ask her, you dork.

The Voice Changer
Disguise your voice, amaze your friends. I hate genetics. Twelve year olds have deeper voices than I do. It’s not uncommon for me to pick up the phone and have a salesperson say, “May I speak with the man of the house, please?” Thanks to the Voice Changer, I no longer have to deepen my words when I answer the phone¿a real boost for my confidence. I could lift weights and take steroids and all that crap, but the Voice Changer gives me immediate results. It also allows me to put it in robot mode and say, “Intergalactic Planetary, Planetary Intergalactic,” over and over.¿A.C.

Five Reasons Why Surfers Are Cool

1. Because while every other man in a tight full-body suit is considered fruity, surfers in their wetsuits are somehow free from scorn.

2. Outsiders and Hollywood producers still think surfers have some kind of intimate relationship with nature and that surfers’ biorhythms and instincts are magicly coordinated with the ocean.

3. Surfing’s one of the only sports where the participant is not considered a jock or a meathead.

4. There are magazines, clothes, and movies created for people who ride pieces of water.

5. Because those thought to be the best professionals in surfing are actually nice people and not the cocky media whores most sports produce.

The Exploders Video Giveaway

The Exploders is the newest video from the world-famous Colonel Klopf. This video is great¿read the review and you’ll see. In this portion of the magazine, however, we’d like to give away five copies of The Exploders. All you have to do is send a short paragraph about why you deserve this video for free. You could deserve it because you’re short, you smell, or you’re better at surfing than all your friends¿anything. Keep it short and send it fast, because the deadline is July 25, 2000.

Send entries to:

“The Exploders”
c/o TransWorld SURF
353 Airport Road
Oceanside, CA 92054

Mainstream Alternatives
The TransWorld SURF ‘Zine Review

How cool is it being able to walk into a surf shop and walk out with a free surf magazine? That’s why this planet is lucky to have a little thing called the ‘zine¿a newsprint magazine that’s free. There’re some cool ones out there, and from now on TransWorld SURF will be spotlighting some of the best and worst ‘zines on the streets today. Our first three ‘zines are from California and New Jersey. They’re all pretty damn funny.¿C.C.

Happy Mag
Happy Mag is an Orange County “insider” ‘zine. I say insider because Happy mostly pokes fun at this totally cool industry we belong to. There’re lots of funny stories and call-outs. The latest issue reads like a tabloid, and there’s definitely some controversial material inside. To get this ‘zine, move to Huntington Beach, California or call (949) 366-1811.

North East Surf News
North East Surf News is a little ‘zine that has a full-color glossy cover and many photos of Dean Randazzo. Mostly featuring the frozen shores of Jersey and the other Northeastern states, some of the photos are sketchy, but it’s cool to see what’s going on in a different part of the country. The stories are good, and I’ll bet everyone in the Northeast loves this ‘zine. To get North East Surf News call (609) 484-0988.

Surf News
Surf News is, according to its cover,