ONE Distribution announced today that it has hired skate media icon Dave Carnie as senior director of marketing for KR3W and Supra. Carnie is best known for his work with Big Brother Skateboarding Magazine, and his stunning command of expletives as witnessed below:
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—After an extensive search, ONE Distribution is excited to announce that Dave Carnie will be appointed Senior Director of Marketing for both the KR3W and SUPRA brands. Carnie is best known for his role as writer and editor-in-chief of the now defunct, but infamous, Big Brother Skateboarding Magazine (from which the TV show Jackass was born). Carnie has stayed active in skateboarding as a writer and editor for both The Skateboard Mag and King Shit Magazine. In recent years Carnie has dabbled in marketing and advertising, most notably with the 72 and Sunny agency in Culver City.
"We're really fucking excited to have Dave Carnie on board," said Matt Fontana, the VP of Global Brands at ONE Distribution. "Dave's experience and history in skateboarding has been long and obviously very colorful. Not to mention, that motherfucker has authored some of the best fucking action sports press releases EVER."
Carnie will be overseeing the marketing teams at ONE Distribution, as well as bringing his unique voice and flair for exciting content to the brand's various media platforms. Carnie's hiring gives momentum to the brand's migration into growing strategic structures which enhance key brand assets as the brand expands its relevance into complimentary brand channels allowing the exploitation of brand assets and developing growth potential alongside forecasted brand investment portfolio opportunity equity liquidation branding.
"Fuck," said ONE founder, Angel Cabada, about the acquisition of Carnie. "Yeah."
"Fuck dude," Carnie said about the appointment, "I'm fucking really fucking, like, fuck. But, fuck—butt fuck?—it's kind of fucking funny because, seriously, I don't fucking know fucking shit about SUPRA. Aren't they those fucking moon boots that Justin Bieber kid fucking wears?1 What the fuck?"
Carnie's list of awards and achievements in the field of writing is long and distinguished. Carnie's superior writing ability, and hard hitting journalist style, particularly his press release writing skills, was one of the main reasons ONE Distribution sought his talents. Besides being the man that brought us the word "bromance"2 Carnie has long been regarded as a pioneer in the world of action sports press releases ever since he was the first to use the word "penis" in an announcement.
"It was a fucking game changer," said Scott Bailey, ONE Distribution's CEO, about the historical action sports press release. "No one had ever dared use that word in an action sports press release before. It was seriously fucking gnarly."
"Well, it was fucking nothing really," Carnie said modestly about the landmark moment. "I wasn't even thinking about it when I wrote the fucking thing, I just thought, 'This will look really fucking cool,' you know what I mean? PENIS! I mean, shit, fucking fuck it, who fucking cares?"
|said Bailey. He added,|
"You know, our brands have always been about fucking innovation and fucking progress," Fontana said. "We came out with the fucking SKYTOP and we were instantly a leader in the fucking footwear industry because of that fucking shit. Now we're coming out with penises in our press releases. This shit's fucked up, yo. And with Carnie onboard? Dude can seriously write the fuck out of a fucking press release. We're stoked to have him in here fucking all this fucking shit the fuck up."
1 Despite Carnie's apparent disdain for the young pop star here, he has in fact admitted that, while not a fan, he does respect Bieber. "I thought he was just, whatever, you know, some stupid kid until I saw him on SNL," Carnie said on the Morrissey message board morrissey-solo.com under his screen name oscillate_wildly666. "I don't know anything about his music—I'm sure it's better than Moz? LOL ;) but I appreciated the fat [sic] that he had a good sense of humor and was able to make fun of himself. He's cute, too. :)"
2 See "Etymology" in the Wikipedia entry for "Bromance." Whether Carnie invented the word is unclear because he has both apologized for it and insinuated he's never used it, yet he continues to claim he invented the word. He has denied any connection to "chillaxin'." "Cmon," he has said in regard to the latter, "that's just stupid."