10 Guilty Pleasures

Ten things you love to do, but shouldn’t.

We all have them. Things we do behind closed doors, in the privacy of our cars, or inside zipped-up wetsuits. These are things we don’t tell people we do, but get simple enjoyment and happiness while we’re doing them-these things are the ten guilty pleasures of surfing.

1.Snaking-Yeah, it’s lame to snake people, but sometimes it’s so gratifying. Especially that loudmouth kid or crusty old demon who’s catching all the waves. Sometimes snaking feels good, but if you become too much of a snaker, you’re more than likely gonna get popped in the skull by an angry snakee.

Punching Your Board-Ever been dumped by the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me.”? Well, that’s what you should be saying to your board instead of hitting it. It’s usually not your board’s fault that you suck. You don’t hit your mom for making love to your dad and creating a human who can’t surf, do you? But no matter what people say, it feels really good to smash your board after a real bad session. Think of it as knuckle therapy. Oh yeah, everyone around will hate your guts when you do this.

Breaking A Board-Don’t act like you don’t like breaking boards. It makes you look so cool when you walk up the beach acting bummed when you’re really all stoked ’cause you snapped your stick. Sure, when you break a brand-new board it sucks, but what feels better than walking into a shop and saying, “What’s up, guys? I need a new board. I just broke mine getting a sick tube yesterday?”

Flyaway Airs-Pumping down the line as fast as you can, seeing a section, blasting a big flyaway out the back of wave with no hope of pulling it, and loving it-verybody loves flyaways; (except when you land wrong and your fin goes up your ass)-you should, too.

Spraying Friends-It’s cool when your friend is paddling out and sees you do a rad trick. It’s even better when your friend’s paddling out and ends up on the shoulder of your wave where you can just blast him in the face with sprayage. Careful who you tag with your fan, though-big, angry men hate to be doused with seawater and may retaliate with a little dome slappage.

Peeing In Your Wetsuit-Wiz, wiz, oh what a relief it is, and what a nice warming sensation it is, and what a great way to start a session, and, man, what a great liquid to kick at your friends when you’re walking to the water. Peeing in the suit is the greatest invention ever.

Wiping Your Undercarriage With Your Friend’s Towel-I love doing this when my friend won’t come in from the water. Make me wait in the parking lot, and you’ll enjoy my bat wing and undercarriage on your face when you use your towel. Don’t rub too deep when it’s your bro, but if it’s someone who just snaked you, rub deep and really get into the rear area of the underside.

Paddling Behind Girls-Sorry, it happens. Girls look so good paddling on surfboards that it’s nearly impossible not to slow your roll and let them pass you up just so you can enjoy the view as you make your way back to the lineup. Oh, watching girls sit up is a treat as well-something primal about girls straddling large objects(i.e. horses, motorcycles, surfboards, etc.). Again, sorry for being a Neanderthal.

Laughing At A Wipeout-Wipeouts are generally hilarious. I always laugh at people while they’re underwater. One time I laughed at a guy who ate shit real bad; he came up all bloody, and boy, did I feel like a jerk.

Undoing Your Friend’s Leash-Here’s a fun one. Quietly paddle up behind your friend while he or she is sitting in the lineup. Undue the Velcro on the tail of the board, watch your friend catch a wave and pull out, then catch a bunch more waves while your friend is swimming to the beach to grab their board. Ha ha!