Algae Sex On The Rise

Red tide is not irie. It tastes like poo, it smells like death, and it’s icky to surf in.

But horny phytoplankton don’t care, which is why in late May billions of them barged SoCal lineups and have since engaged in a massive orgy.

Can you imagine if humans could do that? Chafing and sunburn would be inevitable.

“Red tide is a misnomer, because it has nothing to do with tides, and it’s not really red–technically, it’s an “algal bloom of phytoplankton that discolors surf-zone water from a blissful bluey-green to a murky copper, caused by light reflecting off the phytoplankton’s cell pigments.

Lots of things cause red tide, including low water salinity, good light, warm currents, and an abundance of nutrients. Judging from May’s red tide longevity, SoCal’s water must be a frickin’ country-club smorgasbord for the sex-crazed phytoplankton.

No one knows when the gluttony will end, but my psychic tells me SoCal should be red tide-free by September 15.

At any rate, it looks irie at night.