Chris Cote’s Montly Rant

There’s a never-ending math equation that’s been going on for the last few months. When the waves are flat, I get fat, and when I get fat, I can’t surf flat waves. So I just keep getting fatter as the waves stay flatter. When the waves finally do get good, I’m a fat piece of shit that can hardly paddle past the inside. Then, let’s just say that the waves have been good for a while. I start to loose weight and surf better so I might decide I need a smaller, thinner board. Big mistake—Now I’m fat, it’s flat, and I have a tiny board that can’t even hold my fat-ass. What can be done? Should I go to the gym? Are you kidding? The last thing I want to do is spend hundreds of dollars so some upscale gym dude can call me a fatty under his breath while walking into his spin class. Surfing is the only exercise that I like. I tried to jog and that just plain sucked. I rode a bike and all that was, was a literal pain in the ass. The chaffing wasn’t the bad part. It was the teenagers driving by throwing shit at me and yelling, “you dropped your water bottle fatty!” So here I am, gaining weight by the second praying hard that a swell will come soon. Anyone want to meet me at the beach at midnight tonight for a surf sacrifice? I have a new 5’8 that just became too thin for my newly found twenty pounds.—Chris Cote